more drama...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ugh, here we go yet again... . I am under tremendous stress with the overall situation with my mom and UBPD sister.  My sister and I have been NC for 1 year now in just a few weeks.  My mother has been very limited contact and NC since November.  As I posted a few months back my 72 year old widowed mom made the big but couragous decision to purchase a condo and move out of the big farm house.  This was a huge decision and one I don't think she ever intended to make but due to my sister has made the decision which will be in her best interest. 

My mom has been leaning on me to help her with many decisions and my husband and I have made the 5 hour round trip and I did a day trip last week to be able to help her pack and clean and do some of the preperations. 

Mom struggles and has broke into tears twice now in the last few weeks as she is overwhelmed with the process.  I struggle so hard myself but know this is truly best and try so hard to be strong and supportive to her. 

I had a block on my phone from my sister which recently expired and today some usual crazy textes from her on how I don't respect her etc... . have heard the same things 100's of times. 

She ended up talking to my mom and mom told her about the move.  She was schocked and both my mom and I were surprized she had not heard from "the grapevine"  in the small community.   Today she and her family are going to my mom's to get some of her stuff that has been in the house for years.  She also told my mom she would like her lawnmower.  Total gold digging and I'm sure more has been added to the list.  I do NOT care what my mom gives her but of course she had the nerve to say that "she was sure I took "everything""  I did not take 1 single thing and do not intend to. 

I know this is all the same predictable behavior but I just can't handle this. 

I do not know what to do.  I first of all have always done everything and anything for my sister and her family.  As you all know it is never right, never enough, or I'm showing off, doing it to get praise... . you know what ever way the wind is blowing will be "what is wrong".  When things got out of hand and I tried to aproach it to find a solution like a responsible adult and by doing so she became even more difficult, lied more and was much more degrading.  I decided I now had to protect my family and could not expose them to all of this behavior.  Still I was hurt, in pain and just did not understand... . took the step to seek professional help as I could not hardly function... . The psychologist said NPD which made a lot of sense.  I know knew what I was dealing with and why... . tried limited contact and kept boundaries and my mother also understood this... . it worked about 2 years.  Then all the worse... . sought professional help again... . trying to heal but I am loosing hope.

My husband who has a wonderful family dosent' know what to do... . I truly think he is speechless by all this because has never experienced anything close to it.  He said to me the other night "you will never be over this will you?"  tears running down my eyes and sobbing I said "no"  the pain is just so horrible... . I can't believe it.  My husband said "I feel like I need to be miserable with you and feel guilty if I'm not"  this makes me feel so bad... .

[enough abuse]

Ugh, here we go yet again... . I am under tremendous stress with the overall situation with my mom and UBPD sister.  My sister and I have been NC for 1 year now in just a few weeks.  My mother has been very limited contact and NC since November.  As I posted a few months back my 72 year old widowed mom made the big but couragous decision to purchase a condo and move out of the big farm house.  This was a huge decision and one I don't think she ever intended to make but due to my sister has made the decision which will be in her best interest. 

My mom has been leaning on me to help her with many decisions and my husband and I have made the 5 hour round trip and I did a day trip last week to be able to help her pack and clean and do some of the preperations. 

Mom struggles and has broke into tears twice now in the last few weeks as she is overwhelmed with the process.  I struggle so hard myself but know this is truly best and try so hard to be strong and supportive to her. 

I had a block on my phone from my sister which recently expired and today some usual crazy textes from her on how I don't respect her etc... . have heard the same things 100's of times. 

She ended up talking to my mom and mom told her about the move.  She was schocked and both my mom and I were surprized she had not heard from "the grapevine"  in the small community.   Today she and her family are going to my mom's to get some of her stuff that has been in the house for years.  She also told my mom she would like her lawnmower.  Total gold digging and I'm sure more has been added to the list.  I do NOT care what my mom gives her but of course she had the nerve to say that "she was sure I took "everything""  I did not take 1 single thing and do not intend to. 

I know this is all the same predictable behavior but I just can't handle this. 

I do not know what to do.  I first of all have always done everything and anything for my sister and her family.  As you all know it is never right, never enough, or I'm showing off, doing it to get praise... . you know what ever way the wind is blowing will be "what is wrong".  When things got out of hand and I tried to aproach it to find a solution like a responsible adult and by doing so she became even more difficult, lied more and was much more degrading.  I decided I now had to protect my family and could not expose them to all of this behavior.  Still I was hurt, in pain and just did not understand... . took the step to seek professional help as I could not hardly function... . The psychologist said NPD which made a lot of sense.  I know knew what I was dealing with and why... . tried limited contact and kept boundaries and my mother also understood this... . it worked about 2 years.  Then all the worse... . sought professional help again... . trying to heal but I am loosing hope.

My husband who has a wonderful family dosent' know what to do... . I truly think he is speechless by all this because has never experienced anything close to it.  He said to me the other night "you will never be over this will you?"  tears running down my eyes and sobbing I said "no"  the pain is just so horrible... . I can't believe it.  My husband said "I feel like I need to be miserable with you and feel guilty if I'm not"  this makes me feel so bad... .

[Clearmind]

Enough, your sister is who she is and it sounds like to me you may need to accept her illness, accept you have no part in how she acts and relinquish your responsibility for how it affects Mom. You are carrying a heavy burden and BPDsis won't change.

You have a marriage and home to take care of and your life, relationship and esteem is taking a back seat due to obligation and fear for all that is beyond your control. You place yourself in the thick of it and there is triangulation between all three of you. The only way to make things better is to step out of your current role as care taker and rescuer. It's bringing you down.

It's drama and you are under stress because nothing is changing - how you cope with all this is not changing.

How can you detach with love?

How can you relinquish responsibility for BPDsis and Mom?

[P.F.Change]

I know this is all the same predictable behavior but I just can't handle this. 

Yes you can. You are not a helpless victim, enough abuse. We are survivors here.

Does it hurt when people say hurtful things? Of course. Nothing is wrong with feeling hurt. Your sister has made accusations against you, and it feels unfair. Most people get angry at that kind of behavior and feel defensive. With your sister, you know she has NPD and is therefore going to accuse others of taking things she feels entitled to. You know this is "predictable" behavior on her part. You do not have to let your own emotions get swept away every time she does something like this. You can feel secure about yourself even when she is making accusations toward you. What would it be like to say something like this to yourself: "Oh, well, there goes Sister accusing people of taking her things again. Ho hum. I understand this is part of her disorder and she needs to see things this way. I know I haven't done anything wrong and that's enough for me. It's really too bad she wants to be miserable, and there's really nothing I can do to change that. I guess I'll just use my energy to go on being happy instead."

It sounds to me like you may have a lot of your own identity wrapped up in your sister and what she says about you. Yes, you may have done "everything and anything" for her. It sounds like you are also resentful that she isn't grateful enough to have changed her behavior. This is a very common feeling for someone who is co-dependent. You don't have the power to change your sister. It doesn't matter how much you give. She is who she is. All you can change is yourself, your own thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes.

These two workshops were very helpful to me. Have you seen them yet?

Radical Acceptance for family members

Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence

  My husband said "I feel like I need to be miserable with you and feel guilty if I'm not"  this makes me feel so bad... .

Your husband can have his feelings and you can have yours. You are separate people. It is ok for you to feel what you are feeling, and he can empathize and acknowledge what you are feeling without having to take those feelings on himself, which wouldn't be healthy. Do you think it would help him if he heard from you that it is ok for him to have his own feelings?

Are you still in touch with your therapist? It never hurts to touch base once in a while, especially when things get hard.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[enough abuse]

Yes, everything you both have said to me is TRUE... . the problem is I understand it very well but I just can't accept it... . and it is destroying me.  No matter how much I clearly understand I can't change her, I do not feel responsibility for her illness, I clearly understand the pathology and psychology but no matter how hard I try... . it's just not OK to me... . In trying to cope and heal I have done everything possible and have tried all suggestions.  I am open to everything that may help but nothing is working.

Today was really, really bad... . I talked to my mom and my sister and her husband and 3 of the 4 kids came to my mom's house and "got what they wanted"  after not speaking to her for 4 months.  The got a lawn mower and tractor... . about $12,000 worth of stuff.  Not to mention a Christmas tree, a bunch of canning jars, and a bunch of afaghans and blankets.  In fact as I was at my mom's house last week helping her go throught things.  I gave up a afaghan handmade by my grandma and given to me so my mom had enough to give to her kids.  Mind you I have 2 kids and took none for my own.  My mom had a tiller she wanted and my mom said it was already taken.  My sister asked her "who" my mom replied that her significant other's son in law... . her response was " so they rate better than family"     WHAT?  they should they treat my mom better... . and after getting all the valuables they did... .

So now she called my mom and thanked her and my mom is all happy.  I said of course she did cuz she is looking to see what else she can get.  She is already wanting to trade a dryer and who knows what else... . then they can for the 100th plus time abuse my mom more.   

My mom said if they can use it I would rather give it to my daughter.  Yeah...   really... . Your daughter who said "mom is nothing but a spoiled bhit, who God is punishing with pain and she deserves it"  She has told my mother "you have been a horrible mother and grandmother"  So we reward this behavior with thousands of dollars of stuff.   I have cautioned my mother to "limit" what she gives them and not make it so easy.   This just reinforces her behavior to my mom is acceptable.    Yes... . I know she is ILL and this is her "condition" BUT where do you draw the line?   

My brother in law has been very verbally abusive to both my mom and I.  Yet, years ago when she had her first afair... . which knocked me off my feet I tried to encourage my brother in law and since I was in such schock and disbelief tried look at the positive and think it was really not happening... .

Yes... . I know I can't tell my mom what to do and I need to let her make her own decisions BUT when all goes bad again and again... . and my mom calls me scared of her and not sleeping and spending the night somewhere else because she is afraid my sister is going to "come do something" to her... . I am THE ONLY PERSON my mom truly has... . I am the only other child... . How do I tell my mom "well if you chose to get sucked back in, I don't want to hear about it when she has her next tantrum and is threatening you"   I CAN't do that to my mom... . she has NOBODY ELSE... . Her significant other will listen but he wants nothing to do with my sister and really does not say anything because I know he is can't believe the things they do.  SO IT IS all on me... .

So at what point does my mom need to have some respect for me... . and not allow this to happen because I have made a vow to my family I will not have contact and not make them have contact... . but there is my mom!

It is a triangle... . because I have commited to not go back because I know what will happen again... . I can't leave my mom with nothing... .

[Clearmind]

Sometimes we face the fact that nothing changes unless we make some changes. How we do things needs to change if it's not working.

Sis won't change.

What can you do to make some changes?

Rather than jumping in and fixing everything for Mum ask her what changes she can make too. Something needs to give otherwise you will be feeling the same.

Also resist the temptation to get wrapped up in tit for tat arguments about possessions etc. it's all drama that you are also allowing yourself to get entwined in.

[P.F.Change]

How do I tell my mom "well if you chose to get sucked back in, I don't want to hear about it when she has her next tantrum and is threatening you"   I CAN't do that to my mom... . she has NOBODY ELSE... .

You CAN have boundaries like that to take care of yourself. You're just choosing not to. Maybe you feel guilty about letting your mother be responsible for her decisions, which can be common in families like ours. A counselor would be a really great resource for your mother to talk to about the difficulties she is having in her relationships--you do not have to take on that job. She really is capable of finding someone else to talk to about her worries and fears, maybe even someone more qualified than you are to help. Who would you be if you decided to take care of yourself and let other adults find solutions to take care of themselves? Does that idea threaten your sense of identity as helper/rescuer?

Clearmind makes some really good points. What kinds of things do you want to change about yourself and how you feel?

[enough abuse]

well to answer the question what do I want... . I want to be able to accept this situation.   It is just the most devistating thing ever.

I tell people all the time this is way worse than the death of a loved one.  People look at me funny.  Death has peace, good memories, the love is there, support and I feel healing.  BPD is the opposite off all of those things. 

I have sought this site, I see a social worker... . I pray... . a lot... . nothing is helping... .  

I completely understand what people are saying about letting my mom make her decisions and separate myself.  YOU don't know my mom... . She has depended on me for so many things and can't make decisions on her own.  She is the worse person in the world to have been widowed at 42 years old. 

She had called me bawling over picking out paint for her condo because it is overwhelming to her.  You don't understand that when she brings home a bunch of paint samples she does not ever know what to do... . never has... . my grandmother did all the painting in our house for her and did so much.  She was probably enabled too much but at 72 years old and medical problems... . I am not going to change it now. 

I finally think I have her convinced she was abused and does not deserve it.  At times I think she still thinks just because it is her daughter she needs to endur the abuse.  She thinks because she has a "problem" my mom had to accept the abuse.  All this abuse has warped my mom's self esteem.  Again... . how much change can I expect at 72? 

I am not wrapped up in material things.  I have no desire to take 1 thing from my mom's house and my sister had literally came with a trailer and took about 12,000 dollars of stuff and I am FINE with that... . but now Mom needs to set boundaries. 

I am not threatened one bit by loosing the helper/rescuer role... . today mom texted me she and her friend went shopping and she got a new kitchen table and chairs... . THANK GOODNESS... . I did not have to see it and approve it before she made the decision... . I wish this was the case with much more... .

My mom has seen a social worker only because I set it up.  She is happy after talking to her but I have to identify when she is in need of another session.  She will never do that herself... . sometimes she doesnt want to but then is happy after she does... . but again all my prompting... . and sometimes prodding... .

[P.F.Change]

I have sought this site, I see a social worker... . I pray... . a lot... . nothing is helping... .  

Those are good steps. What specific changes in your own thoughts/behavior have you already tried?

Again... . how much change can I expect at 72?  

My parents are in their 70s, too. I see your point. However it's not about changing your mother. We can't help with that. We're only able to help you make changes you want to make in you.

I am not wrapped up in material things.  I have no desire to take 1 thing from my mom's house and my sister had literally came with a trailer and took about 12,000 dollars of stuff and I am FINE with that... . but now Mom needs to set boundaries.  

Are you being honest here? You don't sound like you're really fine with it. Someone who was "fine" with it wouldn't be keeping an itemized list and emphasizing the dollar value and calling people "gold digger." You make a point of how much you sacrifice to give things to your sister and her kids while keeping none for you and your own, and it sounds like you feel resentful. Did you read the workshop on codependency I shared with you above?

Like you said, your mother probably won't change much at this point. She can do what she wants with her stuff and her boundaries. They're hers. All you can change is how you take care of your boundaries.

My mom has seen a social worker only because I set it up.  She is happy after talking to her but I have to identify when she is in need of another session.  She will never do that herself... . sometimes she doesnt want to but then is happy after she does... . but again all my prompting... . and sometimes prodding... .

It's good that your mother is willing to talk to someone. What about scheduling a regular appointment rather than convincing her every time she needs one? You don't have to be your mother's emotional manager. Since your mother already has a relationship with the SW, when she calls you upset about something, you can use SET to let her know that you need her to call the SW for help with the problem instead.

What do you think?

[enough abuse]

Well to complicate matters our social worker recently moved 2.5 hours away from here which is 5 hours away from my mom but she has agreed to have phone consults with us.  My mom has NEVER called to make her own appt.  When I recognize she need it, I make it.  At first the response is always the same "what good is that going to do... . she can't make it better"  but she never refuses and then after she talks to her I can tell a difference and her comments are positive.  In fact the last time I even paid for it.  My mother financially is more than able to pay for it but will not spend any more money.  I paid for this for my mom because it makes me feel better when I can tell the sense of calm and a "boost" for her. 

The material things... . I am just so upset that she is taking advantage of my mom.  I have a some cousins who would like some stuff and in fact they are going to give up a day and travel over 2 hours 1 way to help us move her.  I know they will be greatful and thankful for whatever they are given. 

I keep stressing to my mom she needs to take care of herself and do what she wants to be happy and "treat herself to new things"  She also wants some new living room furniture but wants to watch how much she spends... . I said sell the lawn mover and tractor and take the money and spend it on YOU!  She gives them the stuff which is fine, after all the horrible things they do to her and will do again... . and she is not doing things for herself.  She even said to me, when I sell the house I am going to split the money between you right away.  I said NO mom... . you have no idea what life is going to hold for you... . KEEP the money for you... . she would like to spend a month in Fl in the winter... . and she should next year... . and how ever many years she wants... .

My greatest fear is my mom falling in the "crack" again and getting sucked in just until the next eruption.   They are happening much more often and much more violent.  This does affect me because my mom will be calling me all upset.  I can tell her I don't want to hear about it and set those boundaries... . but really?  When my mom calls crying and all upset and when I hear what horrible thing she did... . How do I say to my mom "sorry I don't want to hear about it"   I can't... . she has NOBODY else to vent to and lean on... . How can I not support her at times like this?

So these are the changes I have made... . I have gone NC so I am not involved anymore at all... . when my mom is NC it is good because we just both go about our lives.  I try to call her every day just to make sure she is OK.  We talk about other things.  It is sad at times and we both have our bad days.  Overall it is the best and most calm time.  Don't get me wrong... . I also wish it could be different... . but it's not and I feel I have stayed true to myself with NC. 

Tomorrow morning I have a phone session with the social worker so we will see what happens. 

[P.F.Change]

How was your chat with your SW?

[enough abuse]

P.F.  thanks for asking.

It was a good session.

She spent time talking about "secondary trauma"  Basically since I am the only other child and truly the only family my mom has, I am in a difficult situation and it is difficult to not listen to my mom and be concerned about her well being and safety.  I have briefly looked up secondary trauma and need to more.  She said the best treatment for secondary trauma is taking care of yourself.  Do things for myself.  I am trying but I get up at 4:45am and do not get home from work till anywhere from 5-7pm.  I have a 4 and 7 year old so it's a challenge to grocery shop, cook, clean and do laundry.  I wanted to exercize but it's just not going to work at this time in my life.   I have not even taken time to get a badly needed hair cut.  I will work on it.  I'm thinking of going shopping Sunday afternoon by myself.

She also discussed my mother is very dependent on me and somewhat co-dependent to my sister.  She talked to my about how to handle my mom in crisis and to stress to my mom we need to set rules about my sister in her new place.  She said my mother needs to have rules and my mom needs to know I need to know she will follow these rules for her own safety.  She also talked about involving adult protective services if at all necessary. 

She also talked about "borrowed functioning" and gave me some authors. 

It just amazes me how I can have so many positive people in my life and at work function well and know I am doing a good job and being a good role model.  I have a lot of great friends and am making new friends now through parents at my kids school.  My sisters horrible comments can bring me down more than 50 people can raise me up. 

My mom told me my sister told her she wants to talk to me.  Mom said you know she will only talk to you if you seek help (of course we know this will not happen).  Of course this just sets her off.  NO way will she do that... . no reason we can't sit down together and talk... . oh yes there is... . tried and failed countless times... . not doing it again.  I'm sticking to it and I think my mom want me to "try"  NO... . been there done that... .