3 years out NC not "real" ... should I ho back to trying to communicate ?

[nona]

It feels like My whole life is still about pleasing the UBPD, especially since if I dont he alienates d11 MORE.


10 year marriage of me in my codep[endent FOG, my UBPDx ended in a sudden extinction burst.

I got painted black , abandoned, our child taken to 50/50 shared custody and lied through court and lost.

I only learned of BPD AFTER the separation.

Ive been here 3 years and read the books and lessons .

I never got to try S.E.T or any of the communication tools to STOP THE BLEEDING, REDUCE CONFLICT ETC.ETC. while in the r/s.

CAuse I was already painted black was/AM  living through the SUCCESSFUL alienation of my child , family and community smear campaign and ostrasization., by the time I learned of BPD, I was in survival mode.

It has taken 3 years to settle the custody and divorce, calm my flight or fight.

I cannot get NC, as we are 2 blocks away, share custody EOW. D! is alienated and destabilized with great anxiety still.

So UBPDx basically still bullies etc.,  It feels like I am still IN IT.

I sometimes still get triggered and angry, REACTING TO our CHILD's ALIENATION AND REJECTING ME, his alienating and games with my other children and community members etc etc.

On one hand ,I can detatch, until the next abusive, threatening, controlling email.

LAtely, I see my anger and hurt affecting d11, if she hears or even senses it, I bargain with trying to appease him, send nice letters, fly the white flag, tell him, I forgive (but how do you forgive when the next day they are alienating my baby from me?) and she hurts? he hurts her, he gets the whole town involved.

behave in any way, to get him to be nice to d11, and leave me alone.

now I am black and white thinkig, victimized to the point of NO MORE.

I see him black.

whats happened?

I can only hold compassion until the next blow, or memory or realization of the sick abuse we have endured and am still enduring?

I ask myself, should I go back and study the how to live with and communicate with a BPD?

would SET help today?

These lessons are on the stayoing board. should I hang there for awhile?

It feels like My whole life is still about pleasing the UBPD, especially since if I dont he alienates d11 MORE.

I have spent so much time and energy  3 years trying to detatch and it does not reduce his conflict level with me.

thus, never really reducing my conflict level, in fact I am so tired of it.

I feel my conflict rising ,, and this bargaining seems like me attempts to control him again ?, even by being virtuous,

which never worked before, why do I think I can try the exercises in the BPD books, or IS it a good idea, since I am stuck dealing with, emailing and COMMUNICATING with a BPD brain?

[seeking balance]

Hi Nona,

Sounds like you have been through a lot the past several years!

Regarding your anger - are you in T to help you get a handle on your triggers and processing all the emotions you have?

Fundamentally, I believe the staying tools are essential when in a relationship with a high conflict person.  And the fact you co-parent, yes, you still have a relationship. 

By chance - have you read The High Conflict Couple?

He is who he is and all tools available to you will help - but you will have to take good are of your emotional needs too.

Peace,

SB

[nona]

No T

it is what it is, do the  best I can , when I can, where I am with what I have. blessed be.

I feel more love for me, d11, and UBpdx than the feeling of fear.

This is huge for me and frees up the energy to take this next step.


Im guessing this does not start with me apologizing to UBPDX in an email LOL?

Where do I start?

Ill try the staying lessons.

Thanks for your helping me steer through the fog.



I don't recall if I actually read the high conflict couple... . Im Willing, I will buy it. what is part from that book I need, SB?

[seeking balance]

Sometimes we forget the basics when we are super stressed.

Along with staying board, Have you tried the L5 coparenting board?  There are workshops and lessons that can help you.

I will buy it. what is part from that book I need, SB?

The entire book is a really good tool for both parties to reduce conflict.  It is dbt based without calling out PD's.