seeking validation

[corraline]

One thing I understand about myself is that i am always seeking validation outside of myself

I don't trust myself

I am also a big victim and a big time rescuer  oh and did i mention a persecutor too?

Yup

Not trying to beat myself up but its kinda true.

Yes I am reading about about victim consciousness and I can't deny my part in this.

When i found out he was cheating and on dating sites while confessing his undying love for me

I took it very personally

After all... . he appeared much more successful and together than me. So why on earth would he want me?

He was very educated and established in life on the outside and was intelligent and charming

I felt like he "must not be that into me" or he "felt sorry for me" Or I was being strung along while he searched out better possibilities for a more satisfying relationship

Even if he has BPD i am not certain , its only my experience of three years with him that leads me to this conclusion and this  site after all.

I felt like I just couldn't be enough

But if i take an honest look at things... . i can see this pattern from way back in my teens and probably even farther back

I never felt enough.

I even avoided boys that were good looking and popular that showed interest in me.  I thought they had ulterior motives or if they knew who i really was they would dump me

This past relationship has been a serious wake up call for that.

Whether he is mentally ill or not... . it tells me that i need to work on this core belief.

[Surnia]

Hi corraline

Great insight!

One thing I understand about myself is that i am always seeking validation outside of myself

I don't trust myself

I am very familiar with it too. 

It took my so long to realize this and that it has a huge hold on my close relationships.

Do you have ideas how to gain more self-trust or depending less on other's validation?

[corraline]

Surnia

Im looking at that with my Therapist presently

She brings it to my attention all of the time that as soon as I bring something up, i immediately go into doubting my feelings or thoughts.

I know as a young child i witnessed my father cheating on my mom.  I told on him and was told that what i saw was not real.

I challenged him later in my youth when he was cheating again.  I was physically assaulted for speaking up. Ministry of Children and families were called in and I was removed from him.  My mom was in hiding at the time as she was afraid, so my brother and I were there alone and he was feeling sorry for himself so I spoke up.

Maybe i learned it was not safe and learned to deny my reality.

My dad was also very distant physically because of a fight my mom had with him that landed my dad in jail for three days.

My grandfather was suspected of incest and my mom in a fight with my dad said my dad will probably do the same to me

So my dad stayed away from me . 

Not sure if this is the key to it all.

Working on that.

[corraline]

Recently my parents who are not together and have not been for a very long time have been sharing with me their story of our family life

Alot of things have been revealed

Both very opposite to eachother

They seem to be very invested in me seeing their side

I will not give them that , and i have been very careful not to let them know where i stand

I did tell my dad that i feel put in the middle and he was reactive, but it was ok

my mom just keeps saying "i know you believe your dads' story"  (passive aggressive) I do not respond to this.

Why am I engaging this at all?

Still looking for clarity?

I realize because of my family issues that i have been on a quest for truth all of my life.

Its caused me great angst cause I am not comfortable with my own truth.  I obviously made a decision to not trust it years ago

Guess my ex relationship and discussing what i have been going through brings this up for them

I need to have better boundaries with them

Family members are not always the best choice with these issues... . it triggers their stuff too and mine and so on... .

not sure if i am posting too much on here

mayb this is supposed to be stuff i work thru only with the T

[seeking balance]

I realize because of my family issues that i have been on a quest for truth all of my life.

Its caused me great angst cause I am not comfortable with my own truth.  I obviously made a decision to not trust it years ago

Guess my ex relationship and discussing what i have been going through brings this up for them

I need to have better boundaries with them

Family members are not always the best choice with these issues... . it triggers their stuff too and mine and so on... .

not sure if i am posting too much on here

mayb this is supposed to be stuff i work thru only with the T

T is a great place to work on this and most of the people on this site who do heal, end up exactly where you are - looking at the root causes and root emotions.

Radical Acceptance coupled with real boundaries based on ME and MY NEEDS have been key to having a more functional, healthy relationship with my parents.  Guilt, sadness and anger have all had to be worked through at deep levels to get to this point.

Without my ex BPD, I would not have gotten to the place I have with my parents - painful, absolutely - but I am much more of an emotionally healthy person from this.

Keep processing!

SB

[corraline]

thank you sb

i feel like crying for about a million years 

[seeking balance]

thank you sb

i feel like crying for about a million years 

That is not a bad thing - you have a lot to be sad about it sounds... . I have had many a gut-wrenching cry over the last several years and I always feel better once it is all out.

[corraline]

Today, Im finally getting what FOG is all about for me and how i have been operating there pretty much all of the time.