Any Explanations for this kind of reaction?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

  Hi, I'll tell ya a quick version of my story and then get to the question... .    

   I had been in a really bad & abusive r/s a few years ago and had completely removed my self from that situation however it left me with many scars. Finally after a long while several years Iwas introduced to a man that I came to love.

   This r/s started last August & was perfect... . he thought the world of me and treated me like gold... . I started to believe it was possible once again to feel good and enjoy life without the fear it would be ripped from me... . I felt like a human again... He told me he wanted to marry me, said I was "what he had always wanted"... . told me 1000 times at least that" CLEARLY I was the ONE... . NO DOUBT IN HIS MIND... " I ate it up an swallowed it whole... . I was in complete and blinding bliss... . UNTIL... . about 4 weeks ago maybe 5 now... . Everything was going great... . I had just got done with a big painting project in his house, just got done having a nice Valentines day together... . The day after V day, we were talking and all of the sudden he started criticizing me... . little things at first but then really started going off on me. Told me he wanted nice things in life and he didn't think I was working hard enough ( he had just got a HUGE job promotion and was starting it on MONday, this was SAT.) Long story short... . it went south quickly, I broke down sobbing like a baby and the more I cried the more angry & aggressive he got... . throwing a glass across the room  (I had previously never even him hardly raise his voice except once at his son) he was horribly cruel to me, actually pushing me out the door into the snow and ice, after midnight in my nightgown, and closed the door, watching me through the blinds, after a few minutes he opened the door and tossed my keys out at me. then closed the door again. I WAS in shock, I couldn't believe this was happening... . how did this perfect r/s that seemed so right and good  change in a matter of hours when there wasn't even an argument about anything! I tell you I cannot remember how I drove home... . Once I got there I got into the bed and didn't leave the bed for days... . I was crushed, the week went by and the weekend came, we were supposed to get together and talk and work things out... . or so I was led to believe... . Another long story short... . I caught him with an X of his ... . it was horribly painful, especially because apparently she has a job that pays quite a bit more money than I make, as well as her family has money.(I feel I could hold my own, if not outshine this women in EVERYWAY except with my bank account) They were cruel and mocking towards me when I confronted them. All my belongings were there at his house... . I had been living there for almost 6 months & as I was trying to get my stuff out , she sat there and talked Sh*t to me the whole time... . he just screamed at me to hurry up. GOD had to have been holding me back because I remember feeling strangely calm... . even as i sit here remembering it, I am in amazement that I didn't loose my cool & do something I would regret.  Now to this day... . I LOVE this man? but I also know what I know... . I am ANGRY and sad... . crying at the drop of a hat and at least once a day if not more. When I saw him last week, he looked at me like he never even knew me ( cold, distant, irritated)... . I tried to talk to him but the only words he would say were to place the blame on me. He absolutely would NOT have a 2 way conversation... . It crushed me all over again.

    I felt we had a great friendship as well as r/s and I went out of my way to do things his way... . adapt to his schedule, cook certain foods, clean his house, laundry, shampoo his carpets, paint and redo his bathroom(2 days before he dropped the bomb) This man told everyone he was going to marry me... . took me to look at rings... . I TOTALLY trusted and believed in this man, I LOVED him unconditionally. It made me question my worth when this happened because I gave to him without question. I had felt he would do the same for me.   I kept wondering what I did, now I truly feel it is all about the $$. (But the reason they broke up years ago was because of her personality,her Lying, cheating, the way she treats others and he told me and others that he didn't agree with her views on Money and how to spend it.)

I didn't see it coming and it has sent me for several loops... . but I'm doing better each day... .

HERE IS WHERE THE QUESTION  ... .

We finally talked on the phone the other night, he called me. He was back to the man I knew... . nice, kind tone of voice and said some really sweet,kind things about me and to me. We talked for about an hour, and although we didn't talk about getting back together he denied dating his X or anyone else presently. (I know this is a lie because she has been at his house every weekend since I caught them together.) The next night I texted him and he returned the call , Ahole man was back, cold, angry, annoyed. He was a jack ___ on the phone and I realized later that night she was at his house.

     A Few days go by we talk again... . nice man's back, He asked about a shirt that I had mistakenly mixed up in my things when I left... . I told him I would mail it to him. About halfway through the conversation I told him I missed him and really loved him, that i thought we were best friends... . what happened? He stopped for a second, I think he actually FELT something ( maybe sadness or guilt)  suddenly in a harsh angry way he proceeded to rip into me that it was all my fault, & on & on. That I "see myself as a VICTIM in all this, when actually I'm to blame"( remember he has NO IDEA how I see myself in all this, because he has never given me the chance to say!)   

   So yesterday, I sent him a package with the shirt & a few other little things I had. I also wrote a letter to him basically telling him what my view point was and how I saw the situation. Nicely and matter of factually.  It arrived today according to the delivery conformation.  I called and asked if he had received it. He said NO,(Very rude and aggressive,)   he said "This is the last time you ___ with me"  I don't understand what he meant or why he would say that unless the other woman was there in front of him.  I have never "___ed" with him,  haven't tried to convince him to change his mind, I haven't done anything crazy... . on the other hand he HAS acted crazy, throwing things, calling names, screaming, threatening.

My question is WHY would he say he wanted the shirt,  then When I call to see if he got the package he acts like I'm doing something crazy to him?  The only words I said were... " Hello, Did you get the package I sent you? It should have been delivered today?"  The way he acted you would have thought I was cussing him or something horrible! Then he tells me he is disconnecting his phone... . UMm ok? Ur the one who has to deal with that... . The man lives 5 miles from me... . If I wanted to  fu** with him why would I mail his stuff instead of tossing it out the window as I drove by? I guess he did cut off his phone or change his number... . funny I had just told him that I was getting a new phone & carrier and my number would be changed within the week. 

   Does anyone have any clues or opinions as to the reason behind this behavior?

[shatteredheart]

  Hi, I'll tell ya a quick version of my story and then get to the question... .    

   I had been in a really bad & abusive r/s a few years ago and had completely removed my self from that situation however it left me with many scars. Finally after a long while several years Iwas introduced to a man that I came to love.

   This r/s started last August & was perfect... . he thought the world of me and treated me like gold... . I started to believe it was possible once again to feel good and enjoy life without the fear it would be ripped from me... . I felt like a human again... He told me he wanted to marry me, said I was "what he had always wanted"... . told me 1000 times at least that" CLEARLY I was the ONE... . NO DOUBT IN HIS MIND... " I ate it up an swallowed it whole... . I was in complete and blinding bliss... . UNTIL... . about 4 weeks ago maybe 5 now... . Everything was going great... . I had just got done with a big painting project in his house, just got done having a nice Valentines day together... . The day after V day, we were talking and all of the sudden he started criticizing me... . little things at first but then really started going off on me. Told me he wanted nice things in life and he didn't think I was working hard enough ( he had just got a HUGE job promotion and was starting it on MONday, this was SAT.) Long story short... . it went south quickly, I broke down sobbing like a baby and the more I cried the more angry & aggressive he got... . throwing a glass across the room  (I had previously never even him hardly raise his voice except once at his son) he was horribly cruel to me, actually pushing me out the door into the snow and ice, after midnight in my nightgown, and closed the door, watching me through the blinds, after a few minutes he opened the door and tossed my keys out at me. then closed the door again. I WAS in shock, I couldn't believe this was happening... . how did this perfect r/s that seemed so right and good  change in a matter of hours when there wasn't even an argument about anything! I tell you I cannot remember how I drove home... . Once I got there I got into the bed and didn't leave the bed for days... . I was crushed, the week went by and the weekend came, we were supposed to get together and talk and work things out... . or so I was led to believe... . Another long story short... . I caught him with an X of his ... . it was horribly painful, especially because apparently she has a job that pays quite a bit more money than I make, as well as her family has money.(I feel I could hold my own, if not outshine this women in EVERYWAY except with my bank account) They were cruel and mocking towards me when I confronted them. All my belongings were there at his house... . I had been living there for almost 6 months & as I was trying to get my stuff out , she sat there and talked Sh*t to me the whole time... . he just screamed at me to hurry up. GOD had to have been holding me back because I remember feeling strangely calm... . even as i sit here remembering it, I am in amazement that I didn't loose my cool & do something I would regret.  Now to this day... . I LOVE this man? but I also know what I know... . I am ANGRY and sad... . crying at the drop of a hat and at least once a day if not more. When I saw him last week, he looked at me like he never even knew me ( cold, distant, irritated)... . I tried to talk to him but the only words he would say were to place the blame on me. He absolutely would NOT have a 2 way conversation... . It crushed me all over again.

    I felt we had a great friendship as well as r/s and I went out of my way to do things his way... . adapt to his schedule, cook certain foods, clean his house, laundry, shampoo his carpets, paint and redo his bathroom(2 days before he dropped the bomb) This man told everyone he was going to marry me... . took me to look at rings... . I TOTALLY trusted and believed in this man, I LOVED him unconditionally. It made me question my worth when this happened because I gave to him without question. I had felt he would do the same for me.   I kept wondering what I did, now I truly feel it is all about the $$. (But the reason they broke up years ago was because of her personality,her Lying, cheating, the way she treats others and he told me and others that he didn't agree with her views on Money and how to spend it.)

I didn't see it coming and it has sent me for several loops... . but I'm doing better each day... .

HERE IS WHERE THE QUESTION  ... .

We finally talked on the phone the other night, he called me. He was back to the man I knew... . nice, kind tone of voice and said some really sweet,kind things about me and to me. We talked for about an hour, and although we didn't talk about getting back together he denied dating his X or anyone else presently. (I know this is a lie because she has been at his house every weekend since I caught them together.) The next night I texted him and he returned the call , Ahole man was back, cold, angry, annoyed. He was a jack ___ on the phone and I realized later that night she was at his house.

     A Few days go by we talk again... . nice man's back, He asked about a shirt that I had mistakenly mixed up in my things when I left... . I told him I would mail it to him. About halfway through the conversation I told him I missed him and really loved him, that i thought we were best friends... . what happened? He stopped for a second, I think he actually FELT something ( maybe sadness or guilt)  suddenly in a harsh angry way he proceeded to rip into me that it was all my fault, & on & on. That I "see myself as a VICTIM in all this, when actually I'm to blame"( remember he has NO IDEA how I see myself in all this, because he has never given me the chance to say!)   

   So yesterday, I sent him a package with the shirt & a few other little things I had. I also wrote a letter to him basically telling him what my view point was and how I saw the situation. Nicely and matter of factually.  It arrived today according to the delivery conformation.  I called and asked if he had received it. He said NO,(Very rude and aggressive,)   he said "This is the last time you ___ with me"  I don't understand what he meant or why he would say that unless the other woman was there in front of him.  I have never "___ed" with him,  haven't tried to convince him to change his mind, I haven't done anything crazy... . on the other hand he HAS acted crazy, throwing things, calling names, screaming, threatening.

My question is WHY would he say he wanted the shirt,  then When I call to see if he got the package he acts like I'm doing something crazy to him?  The only words I said were... " Hello, Did you get the package I sent you? It should have been delivered today?"  The way he acted you would have thought I was cussing him or something horrible! Then he tells me he is disconnecting his phone... . UMm ok? Ur the one who has to deal with that... . The man lives 5 miles from me... . If I wanted to  fu** with him why would I mail his stuff instead of tossing it out the window as I drove by? I guess he did cut off his phone or change his number... . funny I had just told him that I was getting a new phone & carrier and my number would be changed within the week. 

   Does anyone have any clues or opinions as to the reason behind this behavior?

[nolisan]

Run as fast as you can. And read, read, read of others experience. Questions keep you trapped.

[Tolou]

Shattered... .

It is a complete mind -F--k... . It is hard to understand, and heart wrenching to go through.  But you can't expect to be have a rational conversation with someone, who isn't rational.  I don't whythis person would treat you like this, but that's the whole push/pull with them.  Then involving the X, is part of the trianugulation they use to puppeteer they're caos onto others.  It obvious from what your saying, that this is not a healthy person, not mentally, and not for you.  I would personally think your luck that this side didn't come out after marriage, children, etc... . you were lucky in a way.  It isn't easy to deal with or understand, and with time, you'll start to move towards your inner peace with it all.  Until now, read people post, vent but don't get sucked back in.  If you look back there may be red flags you overlooked or completely missed, but this isn't your fault.  If he is BPD?  They create their own abandonment, before someone else can.  It isn't fair to you but you can't balme yoursel for trying to be happy, sometimes it hard to see these type people for who they are, but they obviously have some issues and instability in their hearts and souls that has nothing to do with us/you. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Does anyone have any clues or opinions as to the reason behind this behavior?

I'm assuming you found us on this site because he exhibits traits in addition to the whackjob you just described, although that is certainly enough as it is.  Bottom line a borderline does not think the way you and I do, he has a very different reality, literally, and there were many things going on in his head the entire relationship that he didn't share with you, and probably would have shocked you if he did.  Once he's triggered, which is what happened with the outbursts, the filter is gone and the pathology spews out.  The niceguy/ashole cycling is the push/pull nature of the disorder, and it will drive you crazy if you stay enmeshed with it.

It hurts like hell, been there, and I'm sorry you're in it.  The very best things you can do are learn as much as you can about the disorder, there's lots on this site, and stop communicating with him in any way.  In time you will probably find, as we all did, that you are in love with a fantasy, someone who doesn't exist, a fabrication of the mixture of a borderline's life or death need to attach and the way your own hopes and dreams mesh with it.  You probably don't want to hear that, but it's the truth.  Take care of you!

[KE151]

Hugs to you shatteredheart. Unbelievable behavior from this guy. Sometimes I wonder if they are even the same species as us humans. 

You deserve better, so for your own good, try to minimize any contact or preferably cut all contact immediately, and gradually you'll start seeing things more clearly and then recovering. 

[HealingForMe]

Hi shatteredheart,

I'm so sorry that just when you were getting over a bad r/s & this one seemed to be going so well that this happened. I know you feel crushed  :'(

As you are on here, you obviously suspect BPD, although judging by his sudden & exaggerated swings I'm guessing something else is going on as well. BPD often exists with other mental illnesses, I think its called "comorbid"?

In time you will probably find, as we all did, that you are in love with a fantasy, someone who doesn't exist, a fabrication of the mixture of a borderline's life or death need to attach and the way your own hopes and dreams mesh with it.

This is whats so hard, that he seemed like such a fairytale, then that image gets ripped away from you & your heart with it. It makes us question everything about ourselves & others. Our fairytale castle comes crumbling down  :'(

I know its so very difficult but as nolisan said: "Run as fast as you can. And read, read, read of others experience." Be glad that he showed his true colours now, before you got married or worse had kids together. That is something I'm very grateful for myself.

Know that there are many others on here who feel the pain you are going through. You're not alone... .

[shatteredheart]

Thank you all for your responses. I do believe he is BPD / NPD, I will list the reasons why. Thinking back there were red flags that I overlooked, such as him telling me everything is black and white to him. All good or bad. That everything has to be all good or he can't do it. Of course I didn't think he meant he actually expected a person to be PERFECT & never make a mistake, especially when you can never know what another person would consider bad or good in some instances. However I was the one who was Mistaken in this situation, because that is EXACTLY what he expected.

His personality was like this...

~ Very spoiled,  things had to be the way he wanted them, where he wanted them & when he wanted them.Sometimes demanding.

~ extreme Sensitivity to criticism or  precieved criticism

~ could not tolerate aloneness, even for short periods of time.

~ had very odd notions about food,

~ drank everyday, but never seemed drunk,  on weekends drink 18+ beers per day, but never seemed really drunk

~Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours. ( i ATTRIBUTED THIS THE BEING TIRED OR IRRITATED ABOUT SOMETHING WITH WORK)

~ Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable ( he ABSOLUTELY will not have a reasonable discussion, it is his way and if you say anything he will get angrier repeat over and over whatever he thinks u did wrong) His son warned me that there are certain things you just dont say to DAD & if he gets started just don't say anything,otherwise it will get worse.

~ Extreme praise and putting  me on a pedestal up until the day it got kicked out from underneath me.

~ My crying & emotional response to his cruelty was "Unforgivable"

~Very impulsive

~ Had a strange habit of throwing things away, sometimes out of spite regardless of there value or sentimental value.

~ Cold, heartless rigidity (After being devalued)  absolutely  no conversation at all "his way or the highway"

~ Make a statement in a way as to define reality... . meaning just because he thinks it and says it , that it is true for everyone.

~ if i was ever sick he would get irritated

~ would not let me sleep

~ If i mentioned something more than once, no matter what it was even if not directed at him... . called it nagging... . when he got angry.

   These are just a few of the things I can think of right now.

"'Quote

In time you will probably find, as we all did, that you are in love with a fantasy, someone who doesn't exist, a fabrication of the mixture of a borderline's life or death need to attach and the way your own hopes and dreams mesh with it.

This is whats so hard, that he seemed like such a fairytale, then that image gets ripped away from you & your heart with it. It makes us question everything about ourselves & others. Our fairytale castle comes crumbling down  cry

I know its so very difficult but as nolisan said: "Run as fast as you can. And read, read, read of others experience." Be glad that he showed his true colours now, before you got married or worse had kids together. That is something I'm very grateful for myself.

Know that there are many others on here who feel the pain you are going through. You're not alone... . "


This is exactly what happened... . :'( I wish I could let go of the fantasy, because I know HE is a jerk, but the feeling of peace, love & safety,understanding, friendship I had is what I miss so much, The challenge is dealing with what my mind knows and what my heart feels.

This board has helped me more than u can imagine... . I was reading for days before I ever posted. Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

[shatteredheart]

ONE  more thing i forgot to add to his list of Characteristics... .

~ Extreme pridefullness! Extreme

[MammaMia]

Shattered

I am sorry for your pain.  It is so hard for nons to understand the cruelty of mental disorders, but they are what they are ... . and we CANNOT change them.

It is time to count your blessings.  Live and learn ... . remember you are worthy of so much more than your ex can give. Understand this is mental illness, and be grateful the r/s ended before it totally destroyed you.  Heal.  Forgive, and then move on.  This may take time but needs to be done.

Get some therapy to help you understand that there is nothing you could have done to salvage this toxic r/s.  You did everything right, but when you are dealing with mental illness, it does not matter.

The outcome is inevitable.

You have a future without your ex that will be so much better.  Work toward making that happen.

[shatteredheart]

MammaMia, thank u for responding, I have started therapy 1 group and a one on one with a T. ( feel very blessed because I have no insurance and I found a place that you can pay on a sliding scale according to income) I also found a CODA meeting locally(codependents anonymous).

   The sad thing, and embarrassing to admit... . is that this is the best relationship I have had in years. He was totally different or so it seemed. I was introduced through a family member that was friends with him. I  was very careful, or so i thought, at first. Watching to see how people interacted with him. He had friends he introduced that were friends  of 15+ years... . He seemed genuine, kept his word and I had no reason to distrust him. I did find out after the breakup, that the outrageous anger outburst were something that had happened before , to friends, xwife, son.etc. ( had been know to be violent when drinking liquor,* the good thing is that he refused to drink anything but beer, never anything else) Based on what i was told by ppl who knew him, that he was not always who he claimed to be,extremely self serving and self righteous. Wish they had warned me before... .  

  I am seeing now that I HAVE AN ISSUE that is keeping me from letting go... . I don't know how to accept that he is not the nice, kind man i spent 99% of our relationship with. Logically I see and know his actions now are hideous cold & hurtful, but the thought that it is just circumstantial keeps haunting me. Like I said, this was the best, most normal r/s I had had in years. So it is very very difficult for me to deal with letting go.

I remember him telling me one day, you are such a sweet and loving person, you have such a big & good heart... . Your to sweet for your own good. As I look back... . I see this has a whole different meaning than when it was first said to me. 

[nownotsure]

he was horribly cruel to me, actually pushing me out the door into the snow and ice, after midnight in my nightgown, and closed the door, watching me through the blinds

Reaching this part of your story was enough for me to conclude that your ex may have some serious mental health issues. Also, if you aren't aware of it, pushing and shoving is usually the starting point towards more serious domestic violence.

  I haven't done anything crazy... . on the other hand he HAS acted crazy, throwing things, calling names, screaming, threatening.

You've basically answered your own question here about his behavior. If you want someone else to validate your belief that he's crazy: well from the sounds of it, yes he most likely is.

I would take nolisan's advice and run as fast as you can.

[GreenMango]

It was really hard to read how cruel his behavior was.  It's definitely not how a person treats someone they care about.

You sound like you are trying to reconcile his words and actions looking for congruency - the mind aautomatically looks for this and when it isn't happening there's cognitive dissonance.  When a person is behaviorally volatile, both cruel and kind, it sends all kinds of mixed messages.  It comes down to what you value and need in your life.  Is this kind of behavior acceptable?

If you start to talk to a therapist about all this they are usually pretty good at helping people work their way towards accepting facts and doing a review on the relationship.  Support helps too and I agree with MammaMia that seeking that out is going to help.

If you look at the detachment steps is #2. Self Inquiry and it can help to find the facts in this confusing mess.  (The detachment steps are on the right margin at the top of this thread).

[MammaMia]

Shattered

Please do not be embarrassed by being sucked into BPDland.  We have all been in your position with a loved-one who was not who we thought they were.  Angel turned Devil.  Loving to cruel and heartless. 

"If something seems too good to be true, it probably is."  This should be the National BPD Slogan.   To many of us, it already is.

You are taking care of yourself which is great.  With time you will feel better and better.  There IS life beyond BPD!

[GreenMango]

Yep definitely been there too. Take good care of you Shattered

[letmeout]

Its too bad you can't fix that kind of mental sickness. Be grateful that you got away when you did, because in my experience they only get worse.

[HealingForMe]

Please do not be embarrassed by being sucked into BPDland.  We have all been in your position with a loved-one who was not who we thought they were.  Angel turned Devil.  Loving to cruel and heartless. 

"If something seems too good to be true, it probably is."  This should be the National BPD Slogan.   To many of us, it already is.

Yep, we've all experienced this. Not that it makes it any easier to detach. Thats the hard part. When we start experiencing the abuse, our minds may know its time to go, but its harder for our hearts to let go.

It doesnt have to be all negative either. I have learnt a lot about myself through my BPD r/s. I've learnt that I'm very patient & tolerant, kind & giving. I've also learnt a lot about better communication. This will all help in my next r/s, even though the way I feel atm that is still some time away.

Good luck, stay strong

[Sunny Side]

   I am seeing now that I HAVE AN ISSUE that is keeping me from letting go... . I don't know how to accept that he is not the nice, kind man i spent 99% of our relationship with. Logically I see and know his actions now are hideous cold & hurtful, but the thought that it is just circumstantial keeps haunting me. Like I said, this was the best, most normal r/s I had had in years. So it is very very difficult for me to deal with letting go.

I remember him telling me one day, you are such a sweet and loving person, you have such a big & good heart... . Your to sweet for your own good. As I look back... . I see this has a whole different meaning than when it was first said to me. 

I'm really sorry, shattered heart, that all of this happened to you.  I empathize and hope you find the strength to heal.  I particularly identify with this and the "shattered" feelings this brings up inside you.  I might add for you to ponder, look deeply into why you think/felt/feel this was the most "normal" r/s you've had in years, and based on what you know a healthy relationship to be, compare it to yours.  Once you assess all facts, like your list of you BPDex's behaviors which is nearly identical to mine, does it still seem "normal" to you?

Last, in my r/s there were many episodes of intimacy, unity, progress, conflict resolution, etc. but they nearly always and inevitably were triggered into some form of dysregulation.  And though my experience was slightly different than yours, towards the end of the 14 month run, the devaluation was becoming too much to emotionally bear and it was then that I accepted (and will be working on this in therapy) I had been pouring "love" and emotion into a sieve.

[day2day]

Shattered Heart, I am so sorry for what you went through. A truly harrowing experience. It was difficult to read.

All that sweetness is mirroring. It's amazing how well they do it. That's how they get us. My eyes popped when I read your list of red flags that you saw in retrospect. That's how good the mirroring is, to get you to overlook a list of highly dubious traits like that. I'm thinking that you must be a wonderful person, because they can only mirror a lot of good if that's what they see.

That other woman obviously changed his dynamic with you. It sounds like her entering the picture triggered so much turmoil in him that his only way of coping was to project all his horrible s--t onto you.

You described how it felt at the moment of reckoning when he dropped the bomb. It was painful to read but so well expressed. I can certainly relate. You say to yourself, "This just can't be happening." Your whole universe is turned upside down for no apparent reason. The person who was nearest and dearest to you not only as a partner and lover but as a FRIEND... . a FRIEND... . your CLOSEST FRIGGING FRIEND... . is now vanishing from view before your eyes and there's no logical reason why, because you really and truly treated HIM as your nearest and dearest.

And yes, there's often more mischief and mayhem in the weeks to follow as the chameleon puts on a world class show of color changes for you.

There are several pieces of good news I'd like to offer:

1. You are the luckiest person in the world to be free of this sicko.

2. You seem to have a good cognitive grip on the situation for the stage you're going through.

3. You'll probably never find anyone who will treat you to a bigger mindf--k that this ever again. This is as bad as it gets in a lot of ways.

4. Your feelings of sadness, anger, regret, self-questioning, loneliness are all very normal. Feel 'em, don't stuff 'em. Gradually the winds will begin to shift. But two things you shouldn't feel are guilt or shame. No indeed. Those of the exclusive province of your ex to deal with at this point.

5. You can use this "free time" in your life in many positive ways. I predict the loneliness and other troublesome feelings will subside and give way to an exhiliration, a feeling of self-affirmation that you're OK. Loving. Faithful. Classy. Caring. Feeling. Composed. Mindful. Yes indeed, you are OK and then some. He's the one who's not OK.

You took a beating but the referee is putting your hand in the air. You won. You so won it's not even debatable!

Before you hit the pillow tonight, tell yourself how great you are. This guy blew his chance with an angel.

[shatteredheart]

That other woman obviously changed his dynamic with you. It sounds like her entering the picture triggered so much turmoil in him that his only way of coping was to project all his horrible s--t onto you.

You described how it felt at the moment of reckoning when he dropped the bomb. It was painful to read but so well expressed. I can certainly relate. You say to yourself, "This just can't be happening." Your whole universe is turned upside down for no apparent reason. The person who was nearest and dearest to you not only as a partner and lover but as a FRIEND... . a FRIEND... . your CLOSEST FRIGGING FRIEND... . is now vanishing from view before your eyes and there's no logical reason why, because you really and truly treated HIM as your nearest and dearest.

  I believe u are correct, I think she was in his ear before the night he blew up on me, the following weekend she was there , and has been every weekend since, she's there right now. I don't believe that it will last between them. I think that one day he will be sorry for what he did and how he did it. I wouldn't be surprised if she does something  just as bad to him in the future. She is a vindictive B*tch and is a condescending, arrogant person who looks down her nose at everyone. I do not buy into that crap, I told her to save it, because she was her own biggest fan!  My X wasn't like that either. Maybe now he is mirroring her and that's why he is so UGLY acting!

When I read the Post you wrote day2day, it made me cry, because it was so dead on and also encouraging!  

I mentioned that I sent a package to him , it supposedly arrived yesterday, the last time i spoke to him he said he didn't receive it yet. Although that could be because he hadn't checked the mail yet... . Anyway I had written a letter and basically stated how I saw things from the night he blew up on me, the night I caught then together, How I had viewed our relationship and what I think a good relationship should be like. I told him what hurt me, basically didn't hold back anything I wanted to say. I said I loved him & that I missed him, But I did not ask to reconcile, or try to bargain. I just needed to state my feelings to him because he kept trying to tell me what my thoughts & feelings were and he had NO CLUE.  

   I know this probably seems silly, but I am worried over whether or not he read it , but mostly if he got it & lets her read it. ( flashback to her saying she read the texts I had sent to him & making comments about photos, basically mocking & being disrespectful of something that was none of her business in the first place)

   It really bothers me that he never had a second of sadness, or missing me, he never had to spend the night alone crying, wondering where I was or why this happened. He's not spent one weekend alone. He just filled the space. That really hurts bad. and it makes me angry! I try not to think about it, but it keeps creeping into my mind.

Everyone says I'm just stabbing myself with those thoughts, to forget about it and move on... . it's not that easy... . I don't want to be with anyone else and I don't really want to be with him either because I could never trust him. The goodness I saw in him has been tainted... . yet thoughts of him and us keep flashing through my mind.

I feel I'm rambling... thanks to everyone for your words , when I'm feeling sad, anxious or just need to gain some strength, I re-read your comments and it helps tremendously!  

[shatteredheart]

like your list of you BPDex's behaviors which is nearly identical to mine, does it still seem "normal" to you?

No you are right it doesn't. Compared to the r/s before this one, this one's like watching "Leave it to Beaver"  

But still not "normal".

I think I have conditioned myself to overlook and ignore things as a way to cope with the hurt & pain. Looking back I can see how I ignored certain things because they were seemingly less abusive than things I had encountered before. However now I see that it is still not right and is still abusive. This is something I have to work on!

  the devaluation was becoming too much to emotionally bear and it was then that I accepted (and will be working on this in therapy) I had been pouring "love" and emotion into a sieve.

This is a very good analogy... . pouring "love" and emotion into a sieve!

[Narellan]

This is EXACTLY my story. It made me cry reading what you're going through because it cements any doubts I had about my friend having this disorder. Someone posted on my post " it doesn't matter how good you are to him, he will still turn on you"

I am exactly in your mind frame. I still love this man and don't always feel I can resist his next attempt at starting up again. For now he is publicly embarrassing me on Facebook, openly offering himself to other women friends of his, I feel it's to get a reaction from me so I'm not reacting even though I'd love to delete him. The unanswered questions will always do my head in. I don't know which person is real. The one who has waited his whole life for me, or this man who now treats me as if I don't exist. It's only been a week for me and the physical pain is unbelievable, as I believed and he told me I was his soul mate.

It's hard to read people's stories, I still think I can help him with this disorder, like everyone states, we simply can't .

I hope we will all look back one day and say yes really dodged a bullet but for now, one minute at a time. Take care x

[shatteredheart]

I don't know which person is real. The one who has waited his whole life for me, or this man who now treats me as if I don't exist. It's only been a week for me and the physical pain is unbelievable, as I believed and he told me I was his soul mate.

It's hard to read people's stories, I still think I can help him with this disorder, like everyone states, we simply can't .

I hope we will all look back one day and say yes really dodged a bullet but for now, one minute at a time. Take care x

I'm so sorry you are also going through this... . I know your pain just like you know mine. With only one week out for you, I can totally understand your excruciating pain, disbelief and confusion.

  Something that I realized a few days ago regarding myself... . I believed the things he said and felt when he was loving and kind, when he was putting me on a pedestal., BUT I Don't want to believe the MEAN, CRUEL things.  They came from his mouth just like the good things so I asked myself why do I resist believing?

   He said them with just as much emotion, determination and in the same definite way. I thought about how I should hold him to his words, if he ever does decide to try and recycle. The words he used to break the r/s into pieces, my heart & soul into pieces. Those are the words I should believe because THAT IS WHAT HE IS CAPABLE of and could likely do again.

  It hurts to type this but it all honesty it is the truth.

  Narellan... . it will get a little better each day... . I didn't really believe that either but it does... . some days are better than other's, but they do get better. 

[letmeout]

We can't help them with this mental illness because their brains simply can not process things normally like most people. Sure, they can imitate our behaviors, but they can not feel it.  

Maybe these people came into our lives through divine order, to teach us something that we needed to learn.

* I learned not to try to fix another person's disorder that can not be fixed.

* I learned to stay out of the lives of raging lunatics.

* I learned that being a care taker means taking care of myself first.

* I learned that I don't have to have a significant other to find happiness.

* I learned that I went through hell but with time I am recovering just fine.

* I learned that life goes on after trauma, and life is good.

[day2day]

Shattered Heart, I may have an answer to your thought-provoking question about what should you believe, the good stuff he said or the bad stuff?

The good stuff he said was him mirroring. He was reflecting back good stuff that came from YOU.

The bad stuff was him projecting. He can't handle the thought of him being a rat, so he attaches it to you. That's projection. That's HIS bad stuff, not yours.

Thumbs up for you. Thumbs down for him.

Trust me, you will never have a moment of true peace if you let him back in your life again.

******************************************************

LetMeOut... . excellent post by you!

******************************************************

[shatteredheart]

The good stuff he said was him mirroring. He was reflecting back good stuff that came from YOU.

The bad stuff was him projecting. He can't handle the thought of him being a rat, so he attaches it to you. That's projection. That's HIS bad stuff, not yours.

Thumbs up for you. Thumbs down for him.

Trust me, you will never have a moment of true peace if you let him back in your life again.

That is very helpful, thank u. I am having a rough day today.

[MammaMia]

Shattered

We all have rough days periodically.  It is ok.  Tomorrow is a new day filled with opportunity.

Stay strong.

[HealingForMe]

I don't know which person is real. The one who has waited his whole life for me, or this man who now treats me as if I don't exist. It's only been a week for me and the physical pain is unbelievable, as I believed and he told me I was his soul mate.

Both people are real to them... . perception is reality. Its very confusing to us & as my BPDexgf has said to me many times, its very confusing for them too.

I believed she was my soulmate too, until her "other side" started to be displayed. I kept things going for a while, hoping they would improve, but they just got worse. Then she went off meds & completely self-destructed.

 

Narellan... . it will get a little better each day... . I didn't really believe that either but it does... . some days are better than other's, but they do get better. 

I'm sorry you, shatteredheart & others are experiencing soo much pain. It will ease with time & understanding... .

  Something that I realized a few days ago regarding myself... . I believed the things he said and felt when he was loving and kind, when he was putting me on a pedestal., BUT I Don't want to believe the MEAN, CRUEL things.  They came from his mouth just like the good things so I asked myself why do I resist believing?

Because you want to believe the good in him & reject the bad. Its normal to try to hold onto what could have been but eventually we have to accept what is

I thought about how I should hold him to his words, if he ever does decide to try and recycle. The words he used to break the r/s into pieces, my heart & soul into pieces. Those are the words I should believe because THAT IS WHAT HE IS CAPABLE of and could likely do again.

  It hurts to type this but it all honesty it is the truth.

Unfortunately, yes he will repeat these actions. He is capable of it. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Stay strong... .

The good stuff he said was him mirroring. He was reflecting back good stuff that came from YOU.

The bad stuff was him projecting. He can't handle the thought of him being a rat, so he attaches it to you. That's projection. That's HIS bad stuff, not yours.

Thumbs up for you. Thumbs down for him.

Well said 

That is very helpful, thank u. I am having a rough day today.

We all have rough days periodically.  It is ok.  Tomorrow is a new day filled with opportunity.

Stay strong.

Yes we sure do! You're allowed to have bad days, dont get down on yourself if you do. Tomorrow is a new day... .

[fuzz]

Narellan - in my opinion, and from my experience,  he wanted his shirt back - it was an excuse to see you so was not in his plans that you should post it.  I have not fully read any of your responses here but do feel he just wanted to see you.  I posted a few bits back to my xBPDbf after he asked me to meet me to give them to him, when i didn't meet him at the appointed place and time he didn't ask for them again. yes I did get a text fron him but not a further request for his belongings.  I posted them the very next day.  And received another text, that he could have picked them up etc. etc. and then to  only give him another excuse to see me. ie. to repay me the postage!  I know he was disappointed.  I ignored all contact. Probably the best thing I did.

He does not deserve to see you.  So maybe that is why he was 'off' about having received the parcel?   He has a disorder.  I don't want my ex back at all now, but he is still the first thing on my mind as soon as i awake, and last thing a night, but day by day  it does get easier.  Hope this makes sense. And hope it helps.

[fuzz]

Sorry - that last post was in response to Shatteredheart