Hi Turkish,
Is this a post where you want to change or where you want validation for doing what you did?
Since it is personal inventory, I am assuming you want to change - so my post is in challenging you. There is no doubt in your love and concern for your children.
I didn't even realize I had posted this to the PI board. But since we are here... .
I know they were right, but took my bag, thanked them for their hospitality and left.
1. what specific emotion did you feel?
Anxiety.
2. Based on that emotion, what is the worst case scenario and is it valid/realistic?
There was no immediate worst case I could have done anything about. My friends even said what did I hope to accomplish, to go there in the middle of the night and knock on her door? I said no, I wouldn't do that, and in any case, she lives in a secured community so that wasn't even possible, That wasn't the point. I needed to so
something. That something was going for a two hour night drive rather than staying two hours away and not sleeping. She did text me when I got 20 mins down the road, some excuse about getting home late and having to bathe the kids. I didn't buy it, but thanked her anyway. I think she got the message that I was not happy when I left the voice mail. I will always need to be The Parent and let her know, implicitly or tacitly, that there are boundaries that she shouldn't cross.
What do I fear, which is what I think you are asking? A change in the established pattern. I've gotten better at accepting what is going on over the past two months.
3. how could you help self soothe next time? :)BT Skills are very helpful here.
My soothing was driving home, then getting up early to start the day. I did sleep ok. She showed up at church with the kids, very friendly. The kids were very glad to see me. She hinted at inviting me out for lunch, but I declined and said I'd call the kids later to say good night, but thanked her for bringing them (in one sense, I know she is seeking peace for herself, and this is one way she is trying to do it).
Back to the PI: I've always been reactive like this, though not destructively so. I know what to do to soothe myself. Sometimes, like this, it isn't sitting there and controlling my thoughts and emotions, which I can do. It's taking a non harming action. Going for a drive. Taking a hike. Losing myself in a book for a few hours (just did that). My one friend has known me since I was 13 and he was 11. A brother, the one who knows me best out of any one in the world besides myself. Like dontknow2 said, unless you are going through this, even friends and family can't really understand it. So at the end of the day alone, I need to do what I need to do to deal with my emotion. They had it easy, as they were secure in their home, no conflict going on in their lives.
I've never felt secure attachments to where I lived until now (due to my mom's chaos making us nomads for years, periodically homeless, I grew to not take comfort or security from where I slept). My family is what has bound me here. So I sought security, even if it was in an empty house. Is that wrong? In writing this, the house is suddenly quiet. No kids screaming. No tv, radio turned down, the washer quietly churning through the wall. The sound of my fingers tapping the keyboard. The computer in the background humming. Now I really feel alone.
Time to go into the sunlight and mow the back grass. That is how I will deal with it.
