So I'm 29. I'll be thirty in a couple of months. I had all these plans and goals I wanted to achieve by 30 and they've all happened, except for the minor detail of my family collapsing (which had never even occurred to me as a possibility).
I've been separated for awhile. I never actually intended to go through with a divorce, just to make my husband realize that the way he had been acting was damaging to everyone in our home.
When I started dating my exBPD during the separation was the first time I really considered being divorced. It felt inevitable when I was with her.
All of this was out on the table. DH knew everything before we crossed the boundary into a relationship, he allowed her (welcomed is a little too generous) to come out with me and the kids (once even all of us) and in our house.
So... . after I expressed my fears to my BPD--as the impact of a divorce on my kids, financially, my friendship with my husband were becoming extremely real. It wasn't a breakup, but it was honest enough that she went to the hospital and forced me to choose RIGHT then. Hours, literally HOURS before that choice I found out she'd made plans to meet one of the girls she'd been talking to on a dating site. The convos were innocent and I'm sure nothing would have happened that day, but still. I said I couldn't trust her with my heart and that was that.
She completely cut me out, even when I tried to get her back repeatedly. I drove all night, literally, to see/check on her and she hid somewhere and refused to see me, which was the peak my personal tolerance level. I humiliated myself for her.
So, I came back home, and we've been in limbo since then (2 months).
My husband had never wavered in wanting to work things out.
On the one hand, I realize how important it is to be with someone trustworthy, who you can be honest with, who can face life's challenges beside you, who would never hurt you.
On the other hand, I completely don't deserve that kind of devotion. And he deserves better than what I've given him over the past year.
A lot of things have come out in that time that I'd been holding in. Namely, that I was never particularly physically attracted to him. I married him because he was such a good person, because he made me the person I wanted to be, I was completely myself around him from day 1, he had a heart of gold, he was beautifully uncomplicated and brought me so much clarity and peace. Especially at my young age when we got married, that meant so much. But there were never butterflies, never passion, never infatuation. Frequency wasn't the issue, and neither was a lack of instruction/communication, but I was never satisfied because he didn't arouse me in the first place. I was always fantasizing about something else if I was even engaged, and sometimes I got downright angry/resentful inside. That was the one thing I choked down because I had made my bed, and I was going to lie in it without projecting those issues onto him.
I told myself that all couples end up in the companionship stage, but secretly I have always really struggled with the fact that this didn't feel like a "great love." I say secretly because I wanted to be a grown woman who understood mature love and not a child who believed in soul mates and Twilight vampires. But it really hurt not to be attracted to him, to have no passion or lust at all as a (hot, I'm just gonna say it) young woman. I was never actually tempted to cheat or anywhere near cheating in 9 years, but I spent a lot of time imagining he'd do something horrible to me and we'd get divorced or even that he'd die and I'd grieve and then be able to meet the "love of my life." Yea I know. I'm a gem. However in none of those fantasies did I ever cheat on him. I couldn't even dream about it, I always felt guilty in my dream and stopped.
Even though you probably want to punch me in the face at this point, I hope it makes you feel better that it was at this juncture that I met my BPDex. You can find that story if you really want the gory details, but the point of that experience is that I'm wondering the following:
Can passion and comfort truly coexist in a relationship? Or is it always waaaaay more of one and less of the other? I think if I'd stayed with the BPDex (and I tried, believe me), ultimately I would have resented her for all I was giving up and because we have drastically different value systems and general world views. And she's very prickly at times (derrrr, she has BPD), as am I (derrrr, I'm a woman). So it would have been hard work to keep the communication and sacrifice up long term. And a relationship that intense is just generally painful and I wasn't functioning very well throughout.
But enjoying sex is important. Feeling desired is important. I don't enjoy the sex and he now knows that I don't desire him sexually. I have no idea why he wants to stay married (I'm sure you're thinking yea, me neither!) after watching me grieve, and I do mean *grieve*, for my ex. At some point I stopped asking myself if *I* would be happy and asked if HE could ever be happy. I know I couldn't if the situation were reversed.
nonetheless, he wants to stay. But he's not happy. Maybe if I could have bounced back when she went NC and been my "old self." But I can't, because I'm heartbroken. I also remember the passion we had and don't know if I can live without some level of lust in a romantic relationship now. He NEEDS me to fight for him and I just can't. It's a struggle for me to get through the day. Every day I'm not over it, even when I fake it to my best ability, he melts down. I just take it because I deserve it, but forever? No. Yesterday it was because I was going to a concert in her city with my cousins as a girls' weekend. I was 100% sure she would not be there. I would not see her. It's a huge city and she doesn't even live in the city proper. he flipped out and told me to file papers. I was at the clerk's office about to do it today when he texted me to wait another week. I'm trying to do everything he says he needs but he knows it's void of honest intent and so it's never enough.
Staying married.
I love the man. Even when my exBPD was in my life I told her I would really miss him, and after we went long-distance I told her he was my "person" and I was terrified to lose him. It's always been total openness and honesty with him, including the attraction issues and the gory details of my relationship with my ex. We have children together. We have provided our kids with a fun, loving home to this point. He has stood by me through wicked postpartum depression and heard all my worst secrets without blinking. I've stood by him through multiple unemployments, some of which were the result of his own actions. He typically does bring me peace. Our relationship is calm, steady, stable, and our friendship will always last.
Getting divorced.
Sex is important. I can't imagine him truly living with the knowledge that he is not sexually desired for the rest of his life. Now that it's in the open I can't imagine it either. I've been burned by passion, but still have thoughts that there may be someone out there who offers both passion and friendship/comfort. HOWEVER i wonder if my first relationship outside of him, with a borderline, set an unrealistic bar for passion and I'd be unimpressed with a non. Has anyone experienced that, difficulty getting excited with a nonBPD after being with a BPD?
Additionally, there are other more "practical" reasons to stay married. Finances, flexibility, the ability to work minimal hours and spent most of my time as a mom after I finish my clinical year. At the end of my life I feel like the time I spend with my kids will be the most important thing to me, and it's the biggest sacrifice if we get divorced however amicably. I stayed home for four years before I started grad school and wouldn't trade those years for anything. It was such a great time in my life.
There are benefits for him as well, practically speaking, in terms of food, emotional support, regular sex with someone he loves, back scratches, massages and all those other perks of being married. (I forgot having someone to stick my cold feet on in bed!)
I need advice. I'm young enough that if there is a better match I could probably find one, and so is he. I know he deserves someone who lusts after him and wants to jump his bones, and he's such a great person i know some girl would be thrilled to have him. However, I would be a single mom so I don't know that i'd realistically be able (or want to) see anyone. I'd probably be alone most of my life. There are so many issues dating with kids, it seems like a lot to take on when I already have something that I believe could be great again in every area except attraction... . I don't think that either of us would be any happier. I think that improving on this one domain would result in so much stress in other areas that we would be less happy overall. And we get along so well, are so in sync, that we might be less happy in other relationships too.
We're all a bunch of people who were pretty much destroyed by passion's ugly side. Has anyone been on both sides of the fence? Anyone leave a stable partner and wish they hadn't? Anyone stayed with a stable partner and wish they hadn't? Thoughts on the sex to happiness ratio over a lifetime? I need help. Most of my friends are also friends with my DH so obviously I would never talk about these kinds of issues to them for the sake of his feelings. My other friends gave me advice but it wasn't applicable since none of them had ever stuck around for the "good guy."
