He is leaving...

[CdnSunrise]

Landslide - re. your drowning analogy above, I just read this quote today and it really struck me:

Choose to Swim

"I think there is a moment when you’re in the deepest depths of despair where you have to make a choice of whether you’re going to save yourself and swim towards the surface, or just let yourself drown. I chose to swim, and from that moment on I started learning how to take care of myself."

–Susannah Conway

[Landslide2014]

Thank you, cdn and nevaeh. Day by day.  When I am able to trust, which is what I am learning and practicing, the path of my truth becomes more certain. If I allow myself to be humbled by the lessons and challenges, I am able to find the worth in the process. You have provided awesome support by sharing your insight

[nevaeh]

News flash... .

He wants to cancel the purchase of the town home and buy a different house in town.

I am so incredibly frustrated and have no words.

My best option is to move me and the kids to my sister's house, put our house up for sale and tell him to stay there until it's sold and then he can buy a house wherever he wants.  I also see that the only real outcome here is divorce so I need to file papers.  Rip the band aid off and be done with it.

I feel really deflated today. 

[Landslide2014]

Omg, nevaeh.  My heart just sunk when I read that. Have you breathed any fire into his words?  How did you react when you found out?  How did you find out ?  I will be praying for you.

[CdnSunrise]

I'm so sorry nevaeh. In my experience, you will be caught in the same hell and worse if you don't make the move yourself. Be strong, YOU CAN DO IT! It's SO SO worth it. The battles aren't over, but at least you have a peaceful home base from which to operate and regroup, and start to heal. Sending lots of positive energy your way. They are YOUR boundaries, and you have to set them. I know how hard it is, trust me, but it's worth it.

       

CdnSunrise

[nevaeh]

So, Wednesday night was when H told me he was thinking about backing out of the town home.  This was after he had shown signs of getting ready to rage/dysregulate.  I was getting anxious because I could see it in his body language and in his eyes.  It got very close a few times and we argued about all of this.  He then left for a few hours.

When he told me about the housing situation I was just so angry.  I really didn't even know what to say. 

Yesterday I spoke with H briefly at work and told him that I was done with the back and forth and that I'm moving to my sister's house in two weeks.  He said we've already discussed that and we can't afford it.  He wants to buy the other house in town and he wants to show me the numbers.

So, I get home and we sit down and look at the numbers.  The other house he is looking at would cost him about $1350/month.  My sister was going to charge me $1500 in rent.  I said I might as well just move to her house since it will cost almost as much.  I asked him how long it would take to close on the other house and he said probably at least 30 days... . another 30 days (or more, likely) that I would be living with him.  I just cried.  I can't do another month or month and a half of this!

The bottom line is that if I would just decide what to do then this would be easier because we would know what the end result might be.  I want divorce.  So why in the heck am I having such a hard time just saying that?  I know... . it's because I can't handle being with him in the same house after I've told him.  He has too much power over me.  His emotions take over mine.  But, the reality of the situation is that he has a strong feeling that I'm not really serious about reconciling (I'm not) and that this is going to end in divorce.  My mom and sister are putting their 2 cents in and they say it's time for me to take control of my life and just get this done.  They are right.

My sister's house will be ready to occupy in the next 2-3 weeks.

I know it will upset my boys terribly to move (but really, it's only a few blocks from our current house).  I know in my heart I just need to tell him I'm done, file the paperwork, and move.  It will be easier to sell the house with only one person living in it.  He won't have to physically move until the house is sold.  There are a few little repairs that need to happen and he is in a better place to do those if he is at the house. 

My sister also asked me if I would change the locks when he left.  She said she could see him getting lonely after he moves out and just deciding to come see me in the middle of the night.  The thought of that is actually a bit scary.  If I move to her house there is no chance of him getting in.

Last night he was back to being the caring, loving husband.  It drives me crazy how he can flip flop back and forth. 

My counselor said that she is concerned for me because when I am with her I sound strong and everything I say is logical and I say I can do it.  Then when I come back the following week and tell her what happened, she sees that right now I am simply unable/incapable of setting any boundaries whatsoever with him while we are living together.  That fact alone is what makes me realize that we will never be able to have a healthy relationship.  It is too risky for me to think otherwise.

I need lots of strength for the next few weeks!

[Landslide2014]

Keep writing nevaeh. Keep processing. God, I know it's not easy. Remember your own truth and take time to be alone so you can,perhaps find Guidence. I wish it wasn't so hard. You are stronger than you think but it's okay to feel weak. It's okay to feel everything your feeling. Be true to yourself. That is your only job. Prayers and blessings coming your way.

[Ready4change]

I probably never would have got the courage to leave my UBPDH Of 6 years... . If I hadn't found out his daughter ( 12 years old) had sexually abused my daughter ( 11 years old) and our granddaughter over the course of many years. CPS and everyone got involved and I left in the middle of the night to protect my daughter! I am just sick over the whole thing... .

HOWEVER, moving out so suddenly showed me just how awful our lives had been with him ( and his daughter, quite frankly) after getting out I could never go back into that world of chaos and misery. We have all had extensive counseling in large part due to the the sexual abuse between the kids. But... . I have filed for divorce and will never go back. I was " lucky" that I had such a pressing reason to move out I didn't even have time to think about it. And, being reminded just how wonderful a Peaceful life is was exactly what it took for me to finally leave him... . For good ... . And file for the divorce. He is fighting tooth and nail , but my mind is made up! Game OVER!

[CdnSunrise]

I just read this today on My Emotional Vampire FB page, and it really struck a chord for me - and I'm imagining that it will for you as well:

"Many victims of toxic people (TP) hold onto the hope therapy will magically fix everything. That if they can only get their partner into therapy all will be well. The "magic bullet" idea DBT will make their partner worthy of sainthood.

This is a lie the victim tells themselves. There is no magic cure or fix for this. Same as there is no magic cure or fix for diabetes, autism and many other disorders. Those disorders are only managed.

Therapy can help calm rages and get the TP to sort of understand life isn't black and white. It can allow the TP to deal with stress in more productive ways that don't involve self harm or rage. That's is the therapy is completed by early adulthood usually.

What therapy can't do is remove the ass behavior of the disorders. The lying, manipulating and belittling comments and circle conversations. It can't make a lazy person suddenly want to seek out a job and contribute to the family or relationship. Therapy can't teach compassion, empathy and basic human decency. Therapy can't make a lover suddenly give and understand intimacy. Robotic sex won't become an expression of love as it should be because of therapy.

A personality is a personality and it's always set in stone. Although therapy can teach the TP to play the role of a decent human being, but it can't make a legitimate decent human being.

Don't waste your life on the hope it can be better. Spend your time and energy seeking out better, healthier more fulfilling relationships. The TP is as doomed as a rock falling in the ocean. You will eventually drowned* trying to save it from sinking."

~Bo F

See drowning reference above!

Cdn Sunrise

[momtara]

wow, that is so well said.

however, not everyone is exactly the same.  some people may be helped by therapy more than others.  there's a comparison with autism - well, people are all over the autism spectrum.

some people with pd's are more hard to deal with than others, so you can't paint everyone with a broad brush.

but in general, that was well put.