She rang me

[Narellan]

yes ill check back in the morning. For some reason I think I'll lose sleep tonight. I've had a day off and spent most of it on here, so my situation is sitting heavily on my mind. I'm thinking about him coming to my door. I feel like I want him too now. Maybe he will declare that he's unwell. Then will I speak to him? Bottom line I can't have him in my life now, but if he needs help I also can't turn my back on him. I know he has this disorder. Maybe that's why I met him. I don't know why I can't be angry with him for very long. He's betrayed me in the worst way possible, why do I want to help him ? Maybe I like the drama? Maybe I'm the sick one. It's all I've known from living with bipolar ex hubby 23 years, I'm just so used to unpredictable, unstable highs and lows.

[bruised]

I've been reading back through this tread. So much good advice.

Right now, your feelings are not her concern - her feelings are... .

S-B,

I think that's been the case from Day 1.

I'm keen to hear you thoughts on the contents of my text.

Regards

[seeking balance]

Your text, well - I am going to be blunt (shocking, right) - you apologized on one hand then you blamed her on the other... . this is YOU being push/pull.

Right now, you are on edge with all of this (I understand, been there too) - but until you really can look in the mirror and learn how to deal with your own emotions - you are likely going to keep doing your part of the dance.

You are doing the best you can with the skills you know. So, if we look back and she calls - let it go to VM.  Then, text back "sure no problem" (because you want to be there too, right?  Otherwise you shouldn't go). 

At this point, you "picking" on her behaviors - is that really fair or helpful?  You are hurt and lashing out - even if it is true, do you really think you saying it is going to magically say change her?

BE the person you want by ACTING that way.  So, if you want to be able to be in social situations you have to ACT easy even if you don't FEEL like it... . this is a form of emotional maturity.  Your feelings cannot rule your behaviors around you or her friends.  If it does, your friends are going to likely keep the "easiest" one to be around... . it is not fair, but it happens sometimes.

Bruised - I am being truthful with what I see on this thread, it doesn't mean I am right or that I understand it all fully.  I hope your feelings are not hurt.  From what you have written and the fact you are here, I think you want to detach from her, but still be "friendly".  When emotions are high - they must be processed.  This is another form of emotional maturity.   

Look to the right - 5 stages of detachment... . step 1 acknowledge your feelings - can you do that?  What are you feeling?

I commend you on posting this and asking for feedback - that takes courage.

Peace,

SB

[bruised]

Thanks S-B,

Yes I can see that my comments to her during the call were "push", while my text was "pull". I should have given the wording of the text more thought.

As to picking on her behaviours. Well, I had reached a point where I needed to say something. Her response to my "triggering" comment was "You've made me feel like a f**king idiot". Classic defensive response designed to elicit a backdown from me. I didn't back down, and I'm glad i didn't. I've heard her say that exact phrase about someone else who had called her out for something she did at a function. I suspect it's a standard phrase for her.

You're absolutely right about me acting cool in public with her, even if I don't feel it.

Gotta get back to work. Will write more in response later.

For Narellan,

I slept well last night. Doesn't mean I'll sleep well tonight tho!

[Narellan]

  good for you! I didn't , awake and on here at 2 am

[bruised]

So she replied to my text.

She apologised for any hurt she had caused me. That's a breakthrough, because she's never apologised to me before. In the past she has said things like "I feel like an idiot for my behaviour last night" or mentioned how much she had to drink. This is the first time she has said "I apologise". It felt good to hear that.

She said she didn't like the feeling that it was all her fault and that I know she struggles with self-loathing. I don't know if this is true, or whether it's her way of shutting down criticism. I told her once that she had led me on and she replied that she would now be going into self-loathing. Do people who suffer self-loathing talk about it like that? Am I being too cynical?

She also said she wants to be friends, but respects the fact that I don't. I don't know what to make of that. Firstly, I'm not sure what her definition of 'friends' is. I think our friendship was causing her stress. Hence the push-pull. Secondly, I'm not convinced she really wants to be friends anyway. I suspect she's relieved I made the decision to end the friendship and she wants to make it look like it was all my doing. I may be wrong about that- time will tell.

I texted her back apologising for any hurt i have caused her and told her it wasn't all her fault. In the heat of the moment I said a friendship might work if we take it slowly (I know- I'm sending mixed messages. I couldn't help myself ). I followed up by saying I think I stress her out, and I wanted what's best for her. I probably could have worded that better.

Later that day we bumped into each other at a local store and we chatted briefly. She was very friendly and we had a laugh. That was nice.

So I'm going to continue as I have been. I won't contact her, but I will respond politely if she contacts me. That works for me and I think that's what she wants too.

[seeking balance]

Glad you had an easy exchange and feel better 

I followed up by saying I think I stress her out, and I wanted what's best for her. I probably could have worded that better.

For the record, if someone routinely told me what I was feeling - I would not want to be around that person often.  Why do you feel the need to tell her "her" feelings?  This is something you did in the first exchange too.  It isn't about wording better, it is about letting her have her feelings.  Validation is a skill that must be practiced and used in the appropriate situations.  Validating a feeling versus telling a feeling are very different - it took me a while to really learn this and takes practice.

So I'm going to continue as I have been. I won't contact her, but I will respond politely if she contacts me. That works for me and I think that's what she wants too. 

That can work easily as long as you do your part... . read up on the staying board so you have proper communication tools - honestly, it will help you so much. 

Cheers,

SB

[bruised]

Hi SB,

Thanks for the feedback.

Why do you feel the need to tell her "her" feelings?  This is something you did in the first exchange too.  It isn't about wording better, it is about letting her have her feelings.  Validation is a skill that must be practiced and used in the appropriate situations.  Validating a feeling versus telling a feeling are very different - it took me a while to really learn this and takes practice.

Because she is the one who says she still wants to be friends. IF we do remain friends, she needs to understand that I am not Teflon coated. She can't just go to a party and treat me like ___ because she is in a bad mood. My other friends don't do that. And from my observations, she doesn't treat our mutual friends badly either- just me.

So, it's not the "feelings" that are the issue, it's the resulting behaviour. We BOTH need to work on this. She needs to be more mindful of the way she acts towards me. I need to be a bit less sensitive to her actions. As you say, communication is the key. I think I am actually a good communicator. She's not so good. I can't validate a feeling if I don't know what it is.

It's also worth mentioning, that we are both in relationships now. Having a very attractive female friend may not go down well with my new partner. And I don't want to have a secret friendship with this person. That's another complicating factor in this already complicated friendship.

I will move over to the staying board and do some reading on communication tools.

Thanks again for your insight.

[Narellan]

I'm a bit confused why you're going to the staying board if you're both recoupled? You hit the nail on the head when u said about it all being complicated. The way she treats you is beyond her changing or improving because she's sick. You said you can't be friends with her if she treats u this way. This is her. She's going to treat you this way. The question is why do u let her? Why do u want her to play any role in your life? She's only going to cause you lots of grief as she had in the past. IMO best to put it all to rest, as you've done so well to recover and move on. It's a dead weight friendship that you and your new partner can do better without.

Just my interpretation, sorry if I sound blunt I'm a bit over this keeping us in their lives to rub more salt into the wounds and f#ck us up at any future opportunity.

[bruised]

IMO best to put it all to rest, as you've done so well to recover and move on. It's a dead weight friendship that you and your new partner can do better without.

Hi Narellan,

Sorry for the late reply- it's been crazy at work. I agree with you. I'm feeling really good at the moment and I have no desire to get entangled with her again. I should (and will) be putting all this wasted energy into my relationship.

Just my interpretation, sorry if I sound blunt I'm a bit over this keeping us in their lives to rub more salt into the wounds and f#ck us up at any future opportunity.

No need to apologise. Sometimes blunt is good!

[babyducks]

I know I am late to the party and that a lot of fine things have been said in this thread but I wanted to touch on one point you made bruised

Is it common for BPDs to pretend they have no idea why you are angry with them? Or are they so ___ed up they really don't know?

bruised (and now bleeding)

A lot of people much smarter than I am have concluded that part of the instability of BPD is thought instability which manifest like this:

- All-or-nothing thinking (ex. loving  you so intensely and then just as quickly reversing to hating you or thinking that they are a total failure, or conversely immensely superior)

- Intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary

- Their interpretation of events is the only truth

- Cannot be persuaded by fact or logic

- Do not see the impact of their own behavior on others

- Deny the perceptions of others

- Accuse others of saying or doing things they didn't say or do

- Deny (even forget) negative or positive events from the past that conflict with current feelings

Those aren't my words, they belong to Margalis Fjelstad but I found them to be so brilliant and so immediately helpful I wanted to include them here.

'ducks.