Could my uBPD mom have done this?

[clljhns]

I have a question that probably has no answer through this board, but it is an important question to me and one that I have wondered about for many years.

My middle sister has severe brain damage and as a result is paralyzed on the right side of her body. She is not ambulatory, and can only parrot what she hears, no real ability to express herself. So, the story relayed by my mother since I can remember is that my DS was a breech birth, and the doctor had to push her back inside my  mom and then reach in, with both hands and turn her. In doing so, according to mom, the doctor crushed her head and then pulled her out. Also, at some point, it was discovered that the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. As a small child, it sounded plausible as I knew nothing of childbirth. It did seem odd when she recounted how, when DS was 3 months of age, she took her to a doctor because her eyes were crossed, and it was then that she learned of the severe mental retardation. As I listened to the same stories over and over growing up, I began to ask questions. Probably wasn't a good idea for my mom to have told me anything, as I am a truth seeker and can smell the difference between the truth and a lie. I asked my mom what the delivering doctor said to her after DS was born. Did he explain the possible brain damage? No, she said, but they did call in a Priest as they assumed DS would die. Hmmm. When she didn't die, what did they say? Nothing, was her report. I asked why did it take three months before she noticed that something was wrong with DS? Of course I was yelled at for being so stupid to have asked such a question.

When I became pregnant, I read everything I could get my hands on about childbirth. The one thing that screamed at me was that the bones in the skull are not fused so as to allow the baby's head to conform to the birth canal. What? When I delivered my daughter, it was quite traumatic for us both. My daughter was so stressed from the 15 hours of labor that she had a bowel movement inside of me, then her heart stopped beating at 16 hours of labor. The doctor wanted to do an emergency C-section, and I refused as this man was condescending and had sent me home two hours before telling me I was not in labor. Yes, I know I should have put my anger aside and thought about what was best for my daughter. In that moment, I thought it would be best to not have a C-section. I did deliver her normally, but with the aide of forceps, which resulted in breaking her collar bone. Even though the delivery was very difficult, and the doctor did not use the forceps gently, she did not have damage to her head. My sister who is two years older than me, also had very difficult labors and delivery. Her sons are fine.

So, I began to wonder if perhaps my mother had, in one of her rages actually caused the injury to my DS. I say this because I remember my mother stomping and kicking my two year older sister when she was 9 or 10. It was such a brutal attack that I thought she had killed her. As my sister was be brutalized, she crawled across the floor and put her head under a dresser to protect her head. My mother kicked and stomped on my brother when he was 13. My uBPD mom seemed to have a penchant for kicking and stomping.

Is it possible that  a breech baby's head could be crushed to the point of causing brain damage? I have found nothing in my search of injury at birth that suggest a baby's head could actually be "crushed" during delivery. Furthermore, I have never heard of a doctor being able to place both hands into the birth canal and pulling a baby out. Given my family history, my thoughts go to my mother being responsible for this injury. I know that I will probably never know the truth, as my oldest sister who is totally enmeshed with parents, has had guardianship of DS for the past twenty years. Older sister never allowed me to be a part of anything that related to DS. The one time I was allowed to participate in a team meeting at the residential home where she lived, I asked questions about her health care and I was later told by older sister to never come back. So, to look at her birth records is not a possibility.

Any insight into this would be appreciated! I am so grateful to have this venue in which to pose my questions!

[Sitara]

Parts of your story were so strikingly similar I had to post. My mom to this day claims that my sister suffered from oxygen deprivation at birth causing her to develop mild cerebral palsy. She blamed this condition for my sister's colic as a baby, her supposed poor muscle tone and her emotional issues. My mom also said that they didn't find out about it until she was in third grade and by that point she said it was too late to put her in special classes to help with her learning disorder. I, like you, believed this for a very long time. It wasn't until a man who had cerebral palsy showed up at my door in a wheelchair that I questioned her story.

So much didn't make sense. I checked out the symptoms of that disease and she didn't fit any of them except for the emotional issues (which could be from so many other possible things). Why would a doctor diagnose her but not recommend any sort of treatment? Why would third grade be far too late to help her with learning disabilities? My mom also claims there's a conspiracy to cover up the "mistake" by the doctor because she looked at the birth record and 5 whole minutes are missing.

My sister is completely convinced of this, yet she's never been treated for it, never had a doctor confirm it. My personal opinion is that my mom needed to find an excuse for the things she didn't want to claim responsibility of for my sister. As she is my older sister, I can't confirm whether or not she had colic, but even if she did, it's not that uncommon of a thing. But I have to wonder if my mom saw this as a form of rejection and she couldn't handle it. Supposedly, my sister didn't like to be held tightly either. So, some babies don't like to be tightly held - my first son didn't like to be wrapped tightly. My sister did poorly in school - but maybe that had more to do with the fact that she was constantly screamed at and told she was stupid. She wasn't athletic, but that didn't mean she had a disorder. But my mom couldn't handle having a daughter who wasn't perfect, so instead she made an excuse that all her "problems" were due to this disorder, not her. It was the doctor's fault - not hers.

It could be possible your mom did the same type of thing. With BPD's seeing their children as an extension of themselves, it may have just been too much for her to handle to admit that she could give birth to a brain damaged child - like admitting she was damaged herself. So she blames the doctor.

[Levi78]

Wow. Your stories really resonated with me. I have a similar story, only it involves elder abuse.

I suspect that my uBPD mother played a role in my maternal grandmother's death. My grandmother died of a heart attack in her home -- my Mom was the last to see her alive. The reason my grandmother was discovered was because my mother contacted my uncle and said she wanted him to go with her and "check on grandma." This was an odd request, since we all saw grandma pretty often and there was no logical reason to believe something was wrong.

My uncle went with mom to the house and had to break in when grandma didn't answer the door. Upon discovering her dead on the floor, my uncle says that my mom started acting very strange, saying "what have I done! What have I done?" My poor uncle was in a state of shock, but commenced with calling 911 and dealing with the mortuary. No one discussed or openly considered foul play because of grandma's age. She officially died of a heart attack, case closed.

But I know that mom had been steadily harassing grandma about money in the days leading up to the death. Mom wanted to be paid for "taking care of grandma." She wanted a monthly salary. This was CRAZY because my grandma was completely self sufficient. She occasionally tagged along with my mother to the mall, but there was no daily care or nursing. It was just my mom's lifelong obsession with money, a pathetic attempt to cash-in early on her inheritance.

My poor grandma lived in constant fear of my mother. She would frequently ask us if my mother had legal power to take her estate before she died. My brother and I assured her time and again that mom had no legal rights -- the whole family knows her mental illness history. She was never in charge of anything important. However as my grandma aged, she became increasingly fearful and my mother would torture her with those fears.

The bottom line is that mom was the last to see grandma alive. She says she stopped by to "talk about bills." She claims she left grandma that day and she was fine. The next day she calls my uncle with the dramatic "check in" request. I don't buy any of it. I think my mom went over there and threatened my grandma. She then had a heart attack. Either mom was there when it happened or was the direct cause of the event because of her behavior. Either way, i suspect she killed my grandmother.