Being Truthful With Myself

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's taken me a long long time to get to a place where I feel safe even telling myself the truth about what has happened to me over the past twelve months.

Even as I type that line, I have to stop and think, Is this real?

There are some uncomfortable truths that I have to get off my chest in order to move forward.  I choose to do that here with you, in my safe space.

Uncomfortable Truth #1: I don't give myself enough credit for anything I do.

People constantly reinforce me and validate me, but I always believe they are wrong and must be trying to manipulate me.  Some element of this is based in fact.  All interpersonal communication is manipulative in its own right, but the degree and intention behind it differ from the common dark connnotation of manipulation.  This comes from my own childhood trauma.  I am well versed in it.

Where it comes in with my story here:

The hardest part for me of this relationship was not wanting to believe myself.  My ex was actually a particularly bad liar.  Her impulsivity and nervous tics were a dead giveaway from day 1. 

I like my own woe-is-me victim story.  It ___ing stung.  It stung poring my heart out to a girl.  It stung thinking she was going to be there with me through thick and thin.  It stung getting the type of attetnion I never received as a child, in the right way, from the right person, my mother.  Instead, I got a 19 year old confused young lady, who lost touch with reality when she was triggered, and couldn't tell the difference between me and her abusers.

Having to look at myself and admit that those times that I knew what was going on, I chose not to ignore the red flags, but rather to acknowledge them and keep moving forward.  And I'm glad I did or I wouldn't be where I am today.

This messes with my life story, because if I did that I would have to claim some power and accept that I am more intellectual and perceptive than I give myself credit for.  It's a hard and long chain of history to break.

Uncomfortable Truth #2.  While 1 in 5 boys (I think or is it 1 in 20, either way, not cool) is a victim of childhood sexual abuse, it is still taboo in this country.  I was one of the unfortunate minority in this. I act mostly normal in public.  I can interact well with women.  People tell me I'm charming, handsome, attractive, and intelligent.

What people don't know is that behind my bold face of bravado, I'm terrified every day walking around.  I am hypervigilant constantly, and that feeds my own low self esteem.  I look at women who fall all over themself for me and I can't possibly imagine why.  There is a deep dark place in me that has cut out any sense of pleasure in sexuality.

I have night terrors.  I avoid women because they intimidate me.  I lock the door to the shower, always, and turn my back to the wall.  I have plenty of opportunities to initiate relationships but I don't because I'm tired of them failing.  I go to therapy 2-3 times per week.  I am conscious of where my emotions come from constantly.  I constantly practice mindfulness. 

My issues are real, and they cause real stress in relationships.  It's not easy dealing with someone who has irrational paranoia around an otherwise very pleasurable circumstance.  It's certainly not easy looking in from outside and saying "yeah, that guy has got it rough".  People don't get it because they choose not to ask the tough questions.  Not to get close, or ask why, or understand.  They prefer living in their own reality, where I seem to live a charmed life.

They don't see the burly athletic guy who balls himself to sleep, or rocks himself back and forth clutching his own chest just to get him to stop crying.

I guess child sexual abuse just doesn't make for good dinnertable conversation.  Also had to learn that one the hard way.

Where that comes in here:  For one of the first few times in my life, I really let down my guard with my ex.  I really enjoyed the sense of connection I felt.  I laid down boundaries around sex for the first time in my life, and I said, I won't be physically intimate with you when we are in an emotionally uncomfortable place.  Unfortunately, that was probably invalidating unintentionally.  As a result, arguments seemed to get resolve more quickly, to end in sex, but then inevitably popped up later.

I fault myself for this.  I often also look at her behavior and get mad at her for lying.  But I knew she was lying.  I knew the argument wasnt' over.  I knew she was still upset.  I just decided not to be the emotional caretaker in those moments.  And I did it with full acknowledgment and verbalization.  I'd say, "Okay, its your decision.  If you're okay with it, and you don't want to talk about it any more, ok"

Uncomfortable Truth #3: I am much more loving than I give myself credit for.  Usually I think of myself as a terrible person who does nothing but going around hurting people.  I fail to see myself in a realistic sense.

In reality, out of all the girlfriends I've ever had, only 2 don't want to keep in contact with me.  One was my first girlfriend ever in highschool.  The other, my current ex.  Most people that meet me remember me long after I have forgotten them, and I have been told it was because I was so nice (read codependent).

At the same time, I'm okay with some degree of codependency.  Or perhaps thats my FOO.  Still more work to understand that part of myself.

When this relationship ended, I drug myself through the mud.  I raked myself over the coals.  I looked at every possible thing I did wrong, magnified it, and obsessed over it.

I made myself all black, and I believed it for a long time.  I didn't want to look at the truth.

That made ex had emotional walls up like Ft. Knox, and I patiently, lovingly peeled back the layers.  That I bore rages voluntarily because I did see the fleeting moments of innocenence and intimacy that were quickly covered back up.  That when she ultimately "discarded" me, I really in my head wanted her to do it.

I knew she was unhappy.  I knew she thought sleeping around would make her happy.  I knew she was feeling claustrophobic and panicking as she struggled to maintain her image to her friends and me.

This is another place where I don't give myself credit.  I saw my ex make such tremendous strides, and even in the limited interaction we've had since, I know she is getting better.  I can't get into details.  But I can tell.

I have to admit here that as terrible as I judge it is, I wanted this to happen.  I knew that the only way for me to really have a positive influence on her life, as I wanted it to be, was to be entirely truthful with her and demonstrate a good sense of boundaries.  Unfortunately these boundaries preclude a relationship with her at this time.

I knew she would hate me.  I knew she would rage.  I knew she  would blame, and slander, and sleep around, and curse, and come back and try and win me back.

I looked into her eyes, I gave her a kiss on the forehead, and I walked away.  It was the most painful thing I've done in a while.  After the roller coaster of drama, to look at her, and still feel love, and care, compassion and concern, and to have to self discipline to say, "this is her journey to take, not mine" and wish her well, that was hard.  I don't give myself credit for being strong in that moment.  I loved her enough to let her go.

It kills me to think that she's out there blaming me for all her current unhappiness.  And at the same time, it's a cross I'm willing to bear, because it is weightless.  She gets the opportunity to improve herself, to figure herself out, and if she wants to blame me, that's okay.  She's triangulating me with her entire support system.  But it takes the pressure off of her to make life improvements.

I'm terrified to admit this, especially in writing, in a place it can be found, but she is improving by my outside view.   I don't think she even knows it.  It's little things, subtle details.  And I judge that I did have a positive impact on her life.  It's not about getting credit for it.  I can't imagine her ever coming up to me and saying thank you.  It's about admitting it to myself. 

Uncomfortable Truth #4 - I am extremely emotionally in touch and accepting.

I've spent 5+ years learning to dissect my reactions, and feel the feelings associated with them, in a healthy way.  This can be overwhelming in many situations as I walk in and feel quite comfortable conversing on a wide variety of topics with a wide variety of people, because I empathize so strongly with them.  I learned how to identify projection, shield myself from it, and be ok.

Where this comes in:

I was attuned early to my ex's emotions.  Much more so than your average person.  I was a wondrful emotional caretaker since that is the relationship I was groomed for in my FOO.  It helped that I have a psychological background, and have been doing core  trauma work for years.

I consciously made a decision that my ex's life journey was hers to lead.  We talked of it.  Where she would seek guidance and I'd just support her and love her and tell her to follow her heart.  I was rarely hurt by most bumps in the road, as I knew from my own work that they were not about me.

This also may have seemed invalidating and incaring, as she would often come to me for guidance one way or another, and I put the ball back in her court.  I thought it was saving me as I couldn't be the controlling person if I did that.  Yet somehow that is exactly who she told me I was in the end.  And uncomfortably true as it might be, I did become controlling.  When my suspicions, anxiety, and paranoia became so bad that I asked to look at my ex's facebook, I did cross the line.  This sits uneasy with me, asI would like to self-righteously say, she cheated, she deserved no privacy.

The bottom line was sh was a human, she made a mistake, or a long series of them, or rather just a long series of choices I wouldnt agree with, and I shamed her at every turn.  I called her out.  Every time.

She didn't need that.  She was struggling.  I knew that the first day we met.  I was okay with it.

The bottom line is, I was unable to treat her as a human first, woman second, and trauma survivor third because that's not how I view myself.

In order to really love her in the way that I want to, I have to see her as a human, a flawed human just like the rest of us.  I have to see the reality of her situation, and more importantly the reality of my situation.

I have to accept some of the uncomfortable truths about myself in order to reclaim power over my own life and show the man in the mirror that he is the same man as the one in my head.

[PhoenixRising15]

It's taken me a long long time to get to a place where I feel safe even telling myself the truth about what has happened to me over the past twelve months.

Even as I type that line, I have to stop and think, Is this real?

There are some uncomfortable truths that I have to get off my chest in order to move forward.  I choose to do that here with you, in my safe space.

Uncomfortable Truth #1: I don't give myself enough credit for anything I do.

People constantly reinforce me and validate me, but I always believe they are wrong and must be trying to manipulate me.  Some element of this is based in fact.  All interpersonal communication is manipulative in its own right, but the degree and intention behind it differ from the common dark connnotation of manipulation.  This comes from my own childhood trauma.  I am well versed in it.

Where it comes in with my story here:

The hardest part for me of this relationship was not wanting to believe myself.  My ex was actually a particularly bad liar.  Her impulsivity and nervous tics were a dead giveaway from day 1. 

I like my own woe-is-me victim story.  It ___ing stung.  It stung poring my heart out to a girl.  It stung thinking she was going to be there with me through thick and thin.  It stung getting the type of attetnion I never received as a child, in the right way, from the right person, my mother.  Instead, I got a 19 year old confused young lady, who lost touch with reality when she was triggered, and couldn't tell the difference between me and her abusers.

Having to look at myself and admit that those times that I knew what was going on, I chose not to ignore the red flags, but rather to acknowledge them and keep moving forward.  And I'm glad I did or I wouldn't be where I am today.

This messes with my life story, because if I did that I would have to claim some power and accept that I am more intellectual and perceptive than I give myself credit for.  It's a hard and long chain of history to break.

Uncomfortable Truth #2.  While 1 in 5 boys (I think or is it 1 in 20, either way, not cool) is a victim of childhood sexual abuse, it is still taboo in this country.  I was one of the unfortunate minority in this. I act mostly normal in public.  I can interact well with women.  People tell me I'm charming, handsome, attractive, and intelligent.

What people don't know is that behind my bold face of bravado, I'm terrified every day walking around.  I am hypervigilant constantly, and that feeds my own low self esteem.  I look at women who fall all over themself for me and I can't possibly imagine why.  There is a deep dark place in me that has cut out any sense of pleasure in sexuality.

I have night terrors.  I avoid women because they intimidate me.  I lock the door to the shower, always, and turn my back to the wall.  I have plenty of opportunities to initiate relationships but I don't because I'm tired of them failing.  I go to therapy 2-3 times per week.  I am conscious of where my emotions come from constantly.  I constantly practice mindfulness. 

My issues are real, and they cause real stress in relationships.  It's not easy dealing with someone who has irrational paranoia around an otherwise very pleasurable circumstance.  It's certainly not easy looking in from outside and saying "yeah, that guy has got it rough".  People don't get it because they choose not to ask the tough questions.  Not to get close, or ask why, or understand.  They prefer living in their own reality, where I seem to live a charmed life.

They don't see the burly athletic guy who balls himself to sleep, or rocks himself back and forth clutching his own chest just to get him to stop crying.

I guess child sexual abuse just doesn't make for good dinnertable conversation.  Also had to learn that one the hard way.

Where that comes in here:  For one of the first few times in my life, I really let down my guard with my ex.  I really enjoyed the sense of connection I felt.  I laid down boundaries around sex for the first time in my life, and I said, I won't be physically intimate with you when we are in an emotionally uncomfortable place.  Unfortunately, that was probably invalidating unintentionally.  As a result, arguments seemed to get resolve more quickly, to end in sex, but then inevitably popped up later.

I fault myself for this.  I often also look at her behavior and get mad at her for lying.  But I knew she was lying.  I knew the argument wasnt' over.  I knew she was still upset.  I just decided not to be the emotional caretaker in those moments.  And I did it with full acknowledgment and verbalization.  I'd say, "Okay, its your decision.  If you're okay with it, and you don't want to talk about it any more, ok"

Uncomfortable Truth #3: I am much more loving than I give myself credit for.  Usually I think of myself as a terrible person who does nothing but going around hurting people.  I fail to see myself in a realistic sense.

In reality, out of all the girlfriends I've ever had, only 2 don't want to keep in contact with me.  One was my first girlfriend ever in highschool.  The other, my current ex.  Most people that meet me remember me long after I have forgotten them, and I have been told it was because I was so nice (read codependent).

At the same time, I'm okay with some degree of codependency.  Or perhaps thats my FOO.  Still more work to understand that part of myself.

When this relationship ended, I drug myself through the mud.  I raked myself over the coals.  I looked at every possible thing I did wrong, magnified it, and obsessed over it.

I made myself all black, and I believed it for a long time.  I didn't want to look at the truth.

That made ex had emotional walls up like Ft. Knox, and I patiently, lovingly peeled back the layers.  That I bore rages voluntarily because I did see the fleeting moments of innocenence and intimacy that were quickly covered back up.  That when she ultimately "discarded" me, I really in my head wanted her to do it.

I knew she was unhappy.  I knew she thought sleeping around would make her happy.  I knew she was feeling claustrophobic and panicking as she struggled to maintain her image to her friends and me.

This is another place where I don't give myself credit.  I saw my ex make such tremendous strides, and even in the limited interaction we've had since, I know she is getting better.  I can't get into details.  But I can tell.

I have to admit here that as terrible as I judge it is, I wanted this to happen.  I knew that the only way for me to really have a positive influence on her life, as I wanted it to be, was to be entirely truthful with her and demonstrate a good sense of boundaries.  Unfortunately these boundaries preclude a relationship with her at this time.

I knew she would hate me.  I knew she would rage.  I knew she  would blame, and slander, and sleep around, and curse, and come back and try and win me back.

I looked into her eyes, I gave her a kiss on the forehead, and I walked away.  It was the most painful thing I've done in a while.  After the roller coaster of drama, to look at her, and still feel love, and care, compassion and concern, and to have to self discipline to say, "this is her journey to take, not mine" and wish her well, that was hard.  I don't give myself credit for being strong in that moment.  I loved her enough to let her go.

It kills me to think that she's out there blaming me for all her current unhappiness.  And at the same time, it's a cross I'm willing to bear, because it is weightless.  She gets the opportunity to improve herself, to figure herself out, and if she wants to blame me, that's okay.  She's triangulating me with her entire support system.  But it takes the pressure off of her to make life improvements.

I'm terrified to admit this, especially in writing, in a place it can be found, but she is improving by my outside view.   I don't think she even knows it.  It's little things, subtle details.  And I judge that I did have a positive impact on her life.  It's not about getting credit for it.  I can't imagine her ever coming up to me and saying thank you.  It's about admitting it to myself. 

Uncomfortable Truth #4 - I am extremely emotionally in touch and accepting.

I've spent 5+ years learning to dissect my reactions, and feel the feelings associated with them, in a healthy way.  This can be overwhelming in many situations as I walk in and feel quite comfortable conversing on a wide variety of topics with a wide variety of people, because I empathize so strongly with them.  I learned how to identify projection, shield myself from it, and be ok.

Where this comes in:

I was attuned early to my ex's emotions.  Much more so than your average person.  I was a wondrful emotional caretaker since that is the relationship I was groomed for in my FOO.  It helped that I have a psychological background, and have been doing core  trauma work for years.

I consciously made a decision that my ex's life journey was hers to lead.  We talked of it.  Where she would seek guidance and I'd just support her and love her and tell her to follow her heart.  I was rarely hurt by most bumps in the road, as I knew from my own work that they were not about me.

This also may have seemed invalidating and incaring, as she would often come to me for guidance one way or another, and I put the ball back in her court.  I thought it was saving me as I couldn't be the controlling person if I did that.  Yet somehow that is exactly who she told me I was in the end.  And uncomfortably true as it might be, I did become controlling.  When my suspicions, anxiety, and paranoia became so bad that I asked to look at my ex's facebook, I did cross the line.  This sits uneasy with me, asI would like to self-righteously say, she cheated, she deserved no privacy.

The bottom line was sh was a human, she made a mistake, or a long series of them, or rather just a long series of choices I wouldnt agree with, and I shamed her at every turn.  I called her out.  Every time.

She didn't need that.  She was struggling.  I knew that the first day we met.  I was okay with it.

The bottom line is, I was unable to treat her as a human first, woman second, and trauma survivor third because that's not how I view myself.

In order to really love her in the way that I want to, I have to see her as a human, a flawed human just like the rest of us.  I have to see the reality of her situation, and more importantly the reality of my situation.

I have to accept some of the uncomfortable truths about myself in order to reclaim power over my own life and show the man in the mirror that he is the same man as the one in my head.

[Want2know]

This is a very brave post, Phoenix - kudos to you for sharing it with us.  That's a hard step to take. 

In order to really love her in the way that I want to, I have to see her as a human, a flawed human just like the rest of us.  I have to see the reality of her situation, and more importantly the reality of my situation.

I have to accept some of the uncomfortable truths about myself in order to reclaim power over my own life and show the man in the mirror that he is the same man as the one in my head.

In the direct aftermath of our relationships, with all the emotion and hurt, it's hard to have compassion for our pwBPD.  It's good you have come to this realization, as that will help you heal and move through fully detaching (see step one to the right of this page).

I had to accept that I was part of the dysfunction.  Not easy when you feel you are being abused, and are trying the best you can to keep things going.  I know there are things I could have done better, but more importantly, I know why I entered into my relationship in the first place.  I was not a fully functioning person, and made a poor decision.

Are you working with a therapist on the truths you have shared?  Personal Inventory is a great place to start exploring the concerns we have about ourselves.  There are a lot of members here going through similar situations as they start looking at their own lives, apart from their ex's.

[coolioqq]

Phoenix, your post is heart-breaking, but also a testament to your maturity, emotional soundness and the rare ability to introspect and recognize both strenth and weaknesses clearly, to the point of liberation. We are all on that journey here, and you gave us something very clear and valuable to look up to.

I can draw some parallels from your story to mine, but you underlined the most important thing that we often neglect the positive things about having been in a relationship with someone with BPD. We discover a whole lot about ourselves in the process, things that we did not want to face. It takes tremendous amount of courage to do a coherent, responsible and organized summary of your greatest depths.

I learned from you that we sometimes want to believe that what we want exists. People with BPD are people as well, just like the rest of us, and deep-down they most likely have the same strivings and cravings. We are motivated differently, but probably with the same goal: finding someone who you can pour your heart out and be accepted the way you are. On that road, those of us without BPD, even unconsciously, express our deepest needs to our partners. People with BPD, with different degree of success, identify those needs, adjust their malleable identities, and play them out. On that journey of discovery, we ignore the red flags and fill the gaps because we want to be loved. PwBPD act out their parts because they probably feel exactly the same towards us (though in moments and episodes). So, there's a whole lot of "eyes wide shut" involved on both sides that precludes any tangible possibility of success. Confession becomes an after-thought and a means to an end rather than the key to healing. And, when the inevitable comes, it is time to leave the relationship. It breaks our hearts but, as you said, you love them enough to get out of their way. Because the journey of finding self is, by its very nature, the solitary one.

With the realizations you made, I know you have found happiness. And all of us will too.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Super, super post Pheonix!

I too have had some pretty awesome, and yet ugly realizations about my self in this dysfunctional BPD dance.  I'm just now, upon ending the third real recycle, finally able to tell the whole entire truth AND be alright with the consequences, which of course is the closing of the door for good.  In the past, in order to preserve *read* control, manipulate the outcome, I only told the partial truth, both to myself and to my SO pwBPD.  It's hard to face denial, it's hard to face fear of being alone, it's also hard to truly come to grips with your inner core wounds and continue having those scabs ripped off with each reconnect.  I'm not a super hero no matter how much I love, care, empathize, it is not enough to fix her or help her see the light.

In this go around I truly saw saw the disorder, that nothing changes, and the reach backs have absolutely NOTHING to do with me, can we say a collective OUCH?   I am not "all that and a bag of chips".  What I was, was the hole filler, the gap filler, the soother, the doormat, the toxic dump.   Where I may have taken this down the wrong road for my XBPDGf this time? Is saying all of that in writing along with all of her good qualities, my intent wasn't to harm, but to tell my truth, the truth that I could not in fact be friends because I did want more, the more I know she cannot do, the more that anything less will leave me unhappy, doubting myself, catering to, and to digress into doormat mode to hang onto to something I never had to begin with. My truth involves letting go of hope, letting go of my dream that she will miss me and the good that I know I am deep down.  The truth that the good I am is her horrible trigger that keeps her off balance and feeling "less than".  How can I knowingly want to keep someone I love deeply in "that" place? 

I love, myself, I love her deeply, and set us both free with the real, unabashed truth.

CiF

[PhoenixRising15]

So, there's a whole lot of "eyes wide shut" involved on both sides that precludes any tangible possibility of success.

This statement just hits me in the gut somehow.

I can't articulate it right now.

[doubleAries]

Hi Phoenix,

I relate a lot to much of what you are saying.

My FOO was a real mess. My mother was a sadistic physical and psychological abuser, and every other weekend I got to "escape" over to my narcissist alcoholic fathers house for visitation, where I would be sexually molested. "Adulthood" couldn't come fast enough for me.

I like lots of blankets on the bed, even when it's hot, so I can feel if they get moved by anyone. Hyper-vigilant even when I'm asleep.

I see something else that looks kind of familiar here... .

I am absolutely determined to own up, take responsibility, and change my life. I understand I was victimized, but I have no desire to be a victim. I want to get to the honest truth, no matter how painful it is. And I tend to go overboard with it. No one has to paint me black--I'm quite capable of doing it to myself. I look around me and see how few people bother with any kind of introspection, and determine I am not going to be like that. So I obsess in introspection. I find every flaw and magnify it. I castigate myself for having flaws, and for being so STUPID I didn't even see them. I cut off contact with my mother many years ago (and my father is dead) so I could get away from that constantly berating voice, but now I have become that voice to myself. I wouldn't dream of speaking to others the way I speak to myself.

Someone this messed up only deserves to be with someone else also really messed up, right?

Like you, I didn't neglect to see red flags--I saw them. I proceeded anyway. Because who am I to think I deserve better? I'm screwed up, so I have to be tolerant of others who are screwed up, because I'd like to experience that tolerance of/for myself. This quickly transforms from "tolerance" to martyrdom. Codependent martyrdom. I am utterly tolerant of others dysfunction, and absolutely intolerant of my own. I will put up with any amount of abusiveness from someone else, but whip myself into my hair shirt over even simple honest mistakes I may make myself.

I've spent a lot of time trying to integrate my emotions and quit trying to evade them. But it has taken me even longer (and more difficulty) being tolerant and understanding of the fact that automatic patterns (AKA subconscious behaviors) play a big role here, and that it takes time to change those. When I FAIL, I castigate myself endlessly.

I have gone to the other extreme from people who don't practice any introspection. ALL interpersonal problems with others can be traced back to me. And while that has to be true to some degree (uh, I'm involved in that interpersonal interaction!) I take it further. Forget solutions--I zero in on self fault/blame. Why? Because that's how I was raised. I knew my mom was full of it when she always blamed me for everything--her rages, her disappointment in life, her shortcomings, her failures. But on some level, I guess I *did* believe it. Not on the intellectual level, so probably on the emotional level. It became my responsibility to help others who couldn't or wouldn't help themselves. Even if they didn't ask me to.

I know I had an impact on my ex. A big impact. That changed him deeply, and softened him, opened him up in ways he'd never dreamed of. That he didn't ask for or want and resents to his core. The question I ask me is--why? Was it worth it? What exactly was I trying to achieve? To give something to someone else that I needed to give to myself? To give the compassion that wasn't given to me as a kid? If so, why can't I give it to myself?

Nothing wrong with that per se... . but why did I always choose to do that with the people I already knew would reject it outright, who didn't want it and wouldn't reciprocate? Was it really just to "re-live childhood patterns"? I don't know. Still exploring that. But I know I have bypassed those who would reciprocate and sought out those who would not. Setting myself up--even while knowing it--to tilt at windmills.

Thanks for sharing.

[heartandwhole]

PhoenixRising15,

Thank you for sharing this post, I admire your courage and honesty, and I found it very moving.  You are doing great inner work, and along with you, we are benefiting from your generous sharing.

It's clear that you have a great T, and I understand that after what you've been through, there are ongoing struggles, too.  I have been exploring body-based psychotherapy for a while now, and am curious if you have looked into that?  I've been listening to an audiobook by Peter Levine PhD and find it very interesting.  His statistic in the book is that 1 in 4 children are sexually abused (I think that is a U.S. stat), which creates many adults walking around in hyper-aroused, PTSD mode most of the time. 

Your post has inspired me to think about my own uncomfortable truths, so thank you, again.   

[PhoenixRising15]

@Coolio and @HeartandWhole,

Thank you. I appreciate knowing that my words can have a positive impact on others.  That is certainly not an automatic thought for me yet, and I appreciate you reinforcing it.

@doubleAries,

Wow.

I've been to a survivors of CSA group. 

I've been doing both group and individual therapy for years, but no one, and I mean no one has articulated so clearly my story as you have. 

I actually really really feel that you understand what I go through every day.  That is a first for me, IN MY LIFE.

Thank you.  So much, for your reply.

[PhoenixRising15]

@HeartAndWhole,

And regarding the body-based stuff, I'm not familiar with exactly what you are referring to, but I don't think I have.

I've done hypnosis, meditation, EFT, CBT, and traditional talk therapy.

The most beneficial for me has been Jungian regression.  If you are more interested, pm me and I can give you more details.

[Tolou]

Pheonix,

thank you for sharing, being truthful with ourselves is a huge step towards bettering our lives.  You are brave and for you to share the things you did will hopefully give insight and help to others.

It was good for me because I sometimes get caught up in thinking about others and their fault in a situation rather than the role I played in the dysfuntion myself.  Part of life is learning and with that we gain experience and knowledge I would presume. 

Thank you again for sharing with all of us.