Cutting ties

[braverheart]

I grew up in a house with a father who was BPD (narcssistic, borderline, and antisocial). He is also an alcoholic and substance abuser. As the only child I received alot of abuse and then when my mother left him but left me under his care financially things got worse. I have finally come to the point where I feel like boundaries with him are not working and I have blocked his number. I am in my 30s now and am just wondering if there are others out there who have been out of touch with their BPD parent for awhile? If so, how has your life been post this relationship?

My situation is a bit complicated right now in that 4 years ago my dad induced me to come work at his business saying he wanted to retire . I left a high paying job because I believed him and at this didn't understand his PD or had admitted to myself of his drug and alcohol abuse. Well now I've seen he used me to hide money from a bank who had a judgement against him and also stole money from me in the process.

On top of this I have an auto immune disease that's aggravated by stress. In the middle of the 4 years working with him I ended up hospitalized for a year because I learned of all the crazy schemes he was trying to pull on the bank. 

Fortunately now I have an attorney who is working to get me a severance to repay me the money he stole. I've also been in therapy for 2 years to learn to manage this. As of late though the stress has started to aggravate my auto immune symptoms.its just a lot to deal with and for my own health I've decided to cut tied with him. Right now I feel so realize bed when I think of never dealing with him again. I just wonder if I'll regret it later in my life? Has anyone else made this choice?

[DreamGirl]

I'm sorry that you are struggling so much with your dad.

I've been where you are and it's a hard place to be when facing the reality of a parent who isn't very good at being a parent.  My mom almost lost her house due to my dad's unethical business practices. I was fortunate in that I had a clear view of who and what my dad was before I would ever enter any kind of financial situation with him. I'm sorry that you had to learn that lesson the hard way.  

I also wish I could say "yes, cutting all ties will end all of your trouble!"

Oh, if it were only that easy.

I think we all need to do what is "right for us".

I cut all ties with my dad. I also was overwhelmed with anger (and hurt) for the better part of 13 years. It affected my life in ways that helped (I didn't have to deal with him) and ways that didn't help (I didn't learn to deal with him or my issues). That was all mostly due to my very obvious coping skill that I love to practice ---- avoidance.

And then he got sick.

I have profoundly struggled in reconciling the relationship with my dad, even now, and he's been gone for two years. I live with a lot of regret and a grief that became almost debilitating.

I think that you seeing a therapist is going to be the #1 help in this. Because really, this is all about us. It's addressing our past in order to deal with the present.

What does your therapist say about cutting ties?    

[clljhns]

Hi braverheart,

I agree with DreamGirl, therapy is the first step to healing. My parents almost lost everything because of my mom's reckless spending. We kids were blamed for this of course, even though only one of the kids were still in contact after nearly six years of NC.

When I chose to go NC, it was a struggle grieving through the loss. My therapist had offered low contact as a possibility. For me it didn't seem like a good option. My situation is different from yours, but I felt it the best step for me.

I still have my moments, if you read my post, you'll understand what I mean. Recently, a childhood friend who knows my parents, and the situation suggested that I get in contact with my parents as they are now 75. She suggested this also because she lost her mother three years ago and her father is not doing well physically or mentally. I know where she is coming from, but she can't fully understand my position because she had loving and supportive parents. I have toyed with the idea of re-establishing contact by phone only and possibly email, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it.

I do wonder if I will regret this decision and what ramifications it will have on me when they do pass. I wish that I could give you a definite answer, but what I can offer is that your emotional and physical health MUST be protected before you make the decision. It will be imperative that you have the skills necessary to handle the interactions with your dad, given the history and the potential for further harm. I think talking this over with your therapist will give you the best insight into finding the answer to your question.

Much peace and happiness to you! 

[braverheart]

Life is so weird because my therapist (whom I literally just found through Google and decided to go and see because she was so close) grew up in a very similar situation. She says I've been through hell and I gave the right to feel how I feel. She says if I don't want to speak to him I don't have to and when I want to then I can. Her biggest advice is that you don't have to love or even like your parents you just have to be respectful to them.

So I figure I just take it a day at a time. Maybe I will be able to move past this. I just don't want to have such a toxic person in my life.

Another thing I'm curious about is PDs as grad parents? My mom never stood up for me or protected me but I will never let my dad so to my children (which I dont have but may one day) they way he treated me

[DreamGirl]

So I figure I just take it a day at a time. Maybe I will be able to move past this. I just don't want to have such a toxic person in my life.

I think this is a good outlook. Right now? Talking to him isn't very helpful to you. Later on? Who knows.

Another thing I'm curious about is PDs as grad parents? My mom never stood up for me or protected me but I will never let my dad so to my children (which I dont have but may one day) they way he treated me... .

Part of what helped me a lot when it came to forgiveness of him is that my dad wasn't very good at being a dad, but as a grandpa he did really well - especially after he got sick. My boys loved him very much. They also adored him and his stories - because they were young and innocent. They never knew the side of him that I knew as his daughter.

Which is OK.