Irrational

[an0ught]

We all pride ourselves in being rational and having to cope with someone who is irrational. Ok, we know when we have been longer on this board that emotions often play a role on our side too. But irrational?

A fairly well known researcher in the area is Dan Ariely, a professor of behavioral economics is focusing on irrational behavior. I found it fascinating to learn how e.g. choosing between two options A and B can be influenced by having third totally irrelevant option on the table. The relative comparison between the options matters a lot. But what really struck a chord in me was when he explained that this irrational choice has a potential to be an anchor and form the basis of the next choice, a whole chain of choices.

When thinking some of the clearly unacceptable and irrational behavior we tolerate or have resorted to in our efforts to cope  - a question we all cope with is: how did we get there - and what is to be learned?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SKyDancer]

When presented with two wrongs, "choosing" to accept one of them creates a new baseline of acceptable choices.  As our relationship evolves, the choices offered increase in severity, continually lowering this baseline of what is acceptable.

Or, I completely missed the question/concept. 

[HopefulDad]

I think sometimes irrational behavior is rooted in placating our ID, the center of our psychological makeup.  While our ego and super ego try to work with our pwBPD, when sometimes it just becomes too much work our IDs can take over.  "I need to be right at any cost" might be a raw response to an onslaught by one's pwBPD, so you start shouting back, maybe you cancel plans that have nothing to do with the issue at hand just to stick it to them.  Then that decision becomes the anchor to your follow on decisions (e.g. plans remain cancelled because "I said so".)

[SleepsOnSofa]

As our relationship evolves, the choices offered increase in severity, continually lowering this baseline of what is acceptable.

Wow. I hadn't taken the necessary steps back to see how this has happened to me/us, but my first reaction is that this observation is very much on point. I'll be reflecting upon it over the weekend.

[waverider]

Our center and values rely on benchmarks. The problem is these benchmarks are often picked at random, based on perceptions and what we believe fits in with societies "norm".

As we are constantly put under the pump we compromise, and it shifts, we compromise again. Eventually these compounded shifts move the median, so it is somewhere it was never meant to be.

The influences which nudge these shifts are often seemingly irrational and unrelated, and as a result we do not resist them as they don't appear to individually conflict with our core values.

In our attempt to not be black and white we inadvertently encompass the irrelevant. It is probably what makes us human, and unpredictable.

Stepping outside ourselves and trying to objectively reassess our benchmarks, why we have them, what are they based on, and are they still relevant is a useful ability to have. It is not easy though as we get wrapped up in "trappings' which masquerade as relevencies.

I am sure as partners of pwBPD we daily see the benchmarks of others as being blatantly trivial. Likewise ours will be trivial to those with bigger issues.

Seeing things from the perspective of where you are actually at is important, rather than where you think you are at.