Healing and Growing: the need for support?

[AsianSon]

How do nonBPD family members heal and grow (given a BPD parent) if support is lacking?  I understand that a simple answer is "with great difficulty."  Or maybe "with the help of this site." 

But are there other, more detailed answers or experiences?

For instance, what if other family members or spouses or anyone within the relationship with the BPD parent do NOT support the notion of healing and growing despite the parent? 

One example might be family members who "cope" by appeasing the pwBPD.  Another might be a family member's spouse who isn't supportive of the efforts needed to relate to the pwBPD. 

[clljhns]

Hi AsianSon,

I think I understand your question to be, "How can healing and recovery start if the enfamily of the BPD don't want to change the family dynamics?"

Healing and growing is for you. So is the support system. Not them. They may never want to change their crazy lives and crazy behaviors. You have to decide how that healing and growing will begin for you. You may decide to not have contact with family, or you may decide to have meetings in a controlled environment. You also should read the resources here about how to communicate with a BPD and enfamily. If your family wanted to change and heal, they would have.

For my healing and recovery to start, I had to severe all ties. My oldest sister still sees our parents, but she and I no longer speak as she now states that aliens were responsible for the abuse we endured as children. My decision to stop all contact was painful, frightening, and liberating all at the same time. It has been ten years since I have sat in the same room with my parents, and honestly, I wouldn't want to. They still frighten me.

I know that you will make the decision that is right for you. Good luck and many blessings!

[AsianSon]

Hi clljhns,

Thanks for responding!  I re-read my original question and realized that I should have clarified that I was asking about the experiences of individuals who are already in the healing/growing process and encounter, or deal with, a lack of support.  In a sense, additional resistance beyond that of the pwBPD. 

I did not really think about it, but my question can include experiences from the beginning, if no support was present then. 

For me, I have started, am committed to, and am continuing with my process, which does include contact with my uBPD mother. 

I hope the above helps.  Thanks for your well wishes!  Strength and peace to you!

[Lights]

I think the ability to let yourself detach from others' emotional demands and control your reactions at that time is immensely helpful when you are interacting with the BPD.  You might need to have a few "stock phrases" for when you don't see a good solution, like, "I'm going to need to think about that" or "I'll let you know."  Or, if you just need out, "I'm going to take a walk" or "Excuse me, I need to make a phone call" -- and then disappear to another room, and then simply, "I'm sorry, but I have to go now."

Sometimes just being able to delay dealing with a situation gives you the emotional space to then look at everything more objectively and choose your reactions more carefully.  It helps to identify your triggers, and reflect on the dynamics (If BPD says A, everyone does B, but I think I should... . )

[AsianSon]

Thanks for responding, Lights!

Your suggestions are very helpful, and I will think carefully about them.  For now, I feel like that kind of detachment requires the use and maintenance of more boundaries (with the other family members and possibly with the pwBPD). 

For me, boundaries have be carefully (thoughtfully) placed because I am fighting enmeshment that is held out by others as a cultural / family value.  So often, the lack of support by family members strikes me as part of the enmeshment.  And the family members may unknowingly re-enforce the BPD behavior(s)!

Thanks again!  And I'll keep thinking about this. 

[livednlearned]

For me, boundaries have be carefully (thoughtfully) placed because I am fighting enmeshment that is held out by others as a cultural / family value.  So often, the lack of support by family members strikes me as part of the enmeshment.  And the family members may unknowingly re-enforce the BPD behavior(s)! 

I think that enmeshed family members are in a difficult place trying to support a non who has set boundaries. My codependent mother is in this position, and I see the effects it has on her health. I had to realize that she loves me, and wants to support me, but she herself is not strong enough to take the stand that I have taken. I have to be very aware with her, because she is so codependent, and will try to manipulate me using the only skills she knows how to use, most of which play on my guilt and obligation.

I had to learn that support looks very different when family members are deeply enmeshed. With my mom, she will fall into a martyr role that is very subtle and cunning. I respect what it is like for her to be in the middle, but I affirm my boundaries. I was the perfect appeasing, codependent daughter for most of my life, and now I am not. She misses the old me, and I can empathize with her sadness. She is on her own now, and that must make her feel lonely to not have a buddy in the family system.

I was trained that my strength was measured by what I could endure. There is some truth to that, but there is more strength in deciding to have boundaries.

[AsianSon]

Thanks for responding, livednlearned!

I can strongly relate to your description of your mother.  Because my mother's behaviors have been intensifying in recent years (with a great deal targeted at my father), he responds with demands that we help "keep her happy". 

Of course the possibility that he is likely codependent doesn't help.  So I've long known not to expect support from him.  What I have been working on is mild education for him (and other family members).

[livednlearned]

Thanks for responding, livednlearned!

I can strongly relate to your description of your mother.  Because my mother's behaviors have been intensifying in recent years (with a great deal targeted at my father), he responds with demands that we help "keep her happy". 

Of course the possibility that he is likely codependent doesn't help.  So I've long known not to expect support from him.  What I have been working on is mild education for him (and other family members).

Yes, I get lots of appeals to keep the family happy, and for most of my life I did this. I apologized for things I didn't do, just to keep the peace.

I changed the dynamic so slightly it was imperceptible. No raised voices, no ultimatums, no argument. My dad has narcissistic traits, and was a formidable force in my life for insisting that I be a good enabler. It's how I earned his praise. When our dynamic changed, it was so subtle it's almost hard to believe it could be over something so unremarkable. My mom wants me to make it better, to apologize or appease him.

It is hard to see my mom suffer, but I know she is in a different place, she tries to understand and she has done a good job trying to empathize with me. I know in many ways she admires me. But she can't stop, or won't stop being who she is, and I am finally protecting myself.

[AsianSon]

Wow.  Your description is very, very similar to mine (but with a mother to father swap). 

As the spouse of a uBPD, my father has shirked many responsibilities over the years.  So perhaps where your mother did the most that she could, my father ducked and sometimes even took personal advantage of my mother's behaviors. 

Right now, it is difficult for me to have much sympathy or compassion for him.  I have some compassion for my mother b/c I doubt her condition was by choice (although I question whether BPD is 100% in making a pwBPD unwilling to face their behaviors).  For my dad, there is the possibility that he is also a victim of a condition (perhaps uNPD) that complicates the bigger picture. 

Ah, there are just so many unknowns and moving pieces. 

Perhaps your mother is a little like my dad, who continues to point out that at 83 this year, he doesn't have much time left and so uses this as a reason to continue how he relates to my mother.  Unfortunately, this sometimes comes with throwing one or more of us kids under the bus that is my mother. 

It sounds like your mother doesn't do that, so that is a plus. 

I keep trying to remind myself and others that we are each stronger than we know.  And so capable of more than we think. 

[livednlearned]

Wow.  Your description is very, very similar to mine (but with a mother to father swap). 

As the spouse of a uBPD, my father has shirked many responsibilities over the years.  So perhaps where your mother did the most that she could, my father ducked and sometimes even took personal advantage of my mother's behaviors. 

Right now, it is difficult for me to have much sympathy or compassion for him.  I have some compassion for my mother b/c I doubt her condition was by choice (although I question whether BPD is 100% in making a pwBPD unwilling to face their behaviors).  For my dad, there is the possibility that he is also a victim of a condition (perhaps uNPD) that complicates the bigger picture. 

Ah, there are just so many unknowns and moving pieces. 

Perhaps your mother is a little like my dad, who continues to point out that at 83 this year, he doesn't have much time left and so uses this as a reason to continue how he relates to my mother.  Unfortunately, this sometimes comes with throwing one or more of us kids under the bus that is my mother. 

It sounds like your mother doesn't do that, so that is a plus. 

I keep trying to remind myself and others that we are each stronger than we know.  And so capable of more than we think. 

My mother has shirked many, many responsibilities over the years. My uBPD was physically abusive toward me until I was in my early 20s. In a moment of strength, I decided I would not come home for the holidays because I kept getting beaten up in my parents home where my brother still lived. No one stopped him from being abusive to me, and it never occurred to me to ask them to protect me. So I made a simple decision with the help of a therapist. My mother almost had a nervous breakdown because I was changing the dynamic. I never meant to hurt my family, I just wanted to stop getting beaten up. I would say that she is very complicit in the dynamic, and she will throw anyone under the bus if it means keeping the dynamic stable. That to her is more precious than protecting any particular person in the family.

I ended up marrying a man who is N/BPD, and eventually divorced him 3 years ago. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever done. It made me realize how much strength and courage it takes to draw clear boundaries in a family that has none. Because of that experience, I don't judge her, not like I did when I was younger. I feel sadness for her, but I no longer feel the need to get her to take my side, and I've stopped trying to test her loyalty. Enmeshment is very complex, almost like a form of brainwashing, and she will always side with enmeshment. I just give her my love and am grateful that she validated what things were like for me, and ask for no more than that.

[AsianSon]

You have gone through so much and have grown a great deal as a person.  It is so sad and unfortunate that there is so much dysfunction heaped on others, especially children in their growing years. 

I can only offer my awe and my wishes for continued strength and peace to you.