Keeping it superficial? How do I not discuss "MY issues"

[Lyrebird]

I'm feeling a bit nervous about tonight. The story is- up until last week I hadn't seen my parents for about five months. It kind of happened by accident- UBPDMom went away for a couple of weeks, then I put off seeing her a for a while  as I was feeling angry about some stuff, then when I did suggest catching up she ignored messages or made stuff up. When it came to Christmas she said her and dad were "having a quite one at home by themselves" - basically they didn't want to see us. Anyway, last week she asked me to a show- "dad was unwell, they had a spare tickets etc etc." I went, and it was fine. We chatted, got on well, it was nice. But then the show was cancelled half way through, with tickets reissued for tonight.

So, I'm going again   with her tonight to see the rest of the show.

The thing is that at the end of the evening last week she asked me if I "wanted to talk about my issues" - "MY issues." I said. She said - " oh well, what you're upset about" I said not really. - and I don't. I know what HER issues are (BPD) and I don't feel there is any point discussing any issues point at all really. It will go bad very quickly! But she is very keen for us to "talk".

How do I keep a nice superficial relationship going without her getting angry that I won't discuss stuff. After a while the ___ will hit the fan - as it always does- and I'll be accused of "managing her" again.

I just can't be bothered going through all the drama and fights and garbage that has defined our relationship for the past 40 years. I'm over it. But I'm not ready to go fully no contact. Although it sounds lovely - the last five months have been very relaxing!

[Lise]

I guess this answer'll come too late, since you've probably already been to the show with your mother, but none the less:

I remember the awful feeling when you're sure you'll get raged at or shamed, but can see no way of avoiding it or predicting what will happen. I find it useful to try to stop predicting the pwBPD's unpredictable behavior and in stead focus on what is actually within my control: My own behavior. I try to keep in mind the values I want to stand for in the situation, for instance, "I am equal to her, not subordinate". Whenever I feel the need to apologize, defend, please, or let her invade my boundaries, I'll try to stop myself from doing that, and instead answering in accordance with the value.

Notice that I use the term "try to" several times ... . I wish I could say, I mastered this skill. The sad truth is that I often don't, but when I do remember to treat myself as a grown woman with the right not to do as the pwBPD wants, the result is great. 

Best of luck, I hope you managed to steer through the night without being bruised too badly. 

[Lyrebird]

Thanks Lise. I'm on my way to meet her now. That is great advice and I'm going to keep it in mind tonight!

[formflier]

Thanks Lise. I'm on my way to meet her now. That is great advice and I'm going to keep it in mind tonight!

how did it go?

I'm no expert... . so please stay open to other advice... . but my reaction to your situation it that you answer the question of "do you want to talk" with a calm even "no"... and move on.

She may keep pressing... . I would not answer it any more.  Change subject... whatever... . and be prepared to leave if it she ups the ante and rages. 

[Lyrebird]

Thanks 

Well, I didn't meet up for dinner or a drink before so there would be no time for "discussing my issues". We had a nice night - I thought. No dramas. But then yesterday I got a text saying she had emailed "some news". I assumed my cousin had gotten pregnant! Lol. Or they were selling their house. No. I got an extremely long email in 4 parts (with headings and everything!) explaining why I was making them so sad and how shed been stewing on something she had (mis) heard me say, that my children r frightened of her (inference- I've been bad mouthing her to them I guess. Um no. They are 5 and 2!) and just generally letting me know that everything is my fault and she's just a poor loving mother who's been treated appallingly.

Aaaaarrrrggh!

So much for trying to keep a superficial relationship going. Guess that was never going to happen. Considering no contact now. I mean. I am an adult. I am middle aged! Am I going to have to put up with this crap until my old age? I just want a drama free life.

[formflier]

If there was nothing productive in the email... . I would ignore the entire thing.  If there were parts of it that were reasonable... . then maybe a quick... non-engaging answer is appropriate.  As in "Thank you for your opinion... I'll certainly consider it"... . (please be open to other advice from those that have been dealing with this longer than I)

I tried to do some effective communication via email... . with my uBPDw... . and she would still misquote and misinterpret.  I'm staying away from that for now.

The funny thing is that they don't seem to want effective communication... . just want to "tell you"... and see if you will up the ante.

This morning my uBPDw stormed out (not a rage... . but worked up)... . then "burst" back through the door a couple times to say something else.  There was no time for response before she slammed (or firmly shut)... . the front door.  Now she is on record that she "told me"... . and because I didn't respond she will claim I agree.  I just ignore it and if she presses suggest we schedule time to discuss this fully when we are not distracted or have someplace to go.  Almost never does she try to schedule.

Hang in there.

Thanks 

Well, I didn't meet up for dinner or a drink before so there would be no time for "discussing my issues". We had a nice night - I thought. No dramas. But then yesterday I got a text saying she had emailed "some news". I assumed my cousin had gotten pregnant! Lol. Or they were selling their house. No. I got an extremely long email in 4 parts (with headings and everything!) explaining why I was making them so sad and how shed been stewing on something she had (mis) heard me say, that my children r frightened of her (inference- I've been bad mouthing her to them I guess. Um no. They are 5 and 2!) and just generally letting me know that everything is my fault and she's just a poor loving mother who's been treated appallingly.

Aaaaarrrrggh!

So much for trying to keep a superficial relationship going. Guess that was never going to happen. Considering no contact now. I mean. I am an adult. I am middle aged! Am I going to have to put up with this crap until my old age? I just want a drama free life.

[Lise]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Lyrebird. Just seems like there's no such thing as a nice evening out with a pwBPD, is there?

I'd agree with Formflier's suggestion, try not to get dragged into a discussion that seems to have already been settled in her mind, but then again, I'm not experienced in the LC-relationships. There might be some productive way of handling this, but I don't know what it is.