Should I give her another chance?

[popeye6031]

A brief overview f my raltionship.  Been with my fiancee for 25 months... Been an emotional rollercaoster from just a few weeks in.  She is foreign but we have spent a lot of time together. One time I stayed with her for 4 months. A lot of extended travel has been involved for me.

Being with her is a lot easier than not, though even that is never plain sailing.  When with her she hates to see me get on with anyone else( male or female). We have 'you don't love me' conversations' every couple of days. My phone and ipad are checked every few hours. I am quizzed about every message and email. She constantly wants us to take pics together and post them on FB and it has to be my FB so that everyone sees me doing it. My profile pic, cover pic, pics on ipad, phones etc all have to be of her or of us together.  She would happily have me locked in her room all day having sex (sorry "making love".

When we are apart, my every move is quizzed over and over. If I so anything that involves me leaving the house I am asked 20 questions.  Then later I will be accused of cheating. I rarely go out, only to the movies with my bro, his wife and my mum. That is it. I have become a complete hermit since I started my relationship with my fiancee.  But the accusations, control, abuse and demands rarely stop. I could go on all day about the things she does but want to get to the point

She has her good qualities too. She can be very generous, loving, sweet and extremely complimentary when not dysregulating.

Last week she went out for a farewell party with a group of models she has been working with recently on photshoots (she has been modelling since November). Well, wheN she met up with the guy who was leaving, it turned into a party for two as no one else turned up.  She stayed out drinking with him and met some otherr people, including a mutual friend of ours from NZ.  Well, she normally cannot stop messaging  me, more so when she gets drunk. But all of a sudden she stops. After a couple of hours I message our mutual friend to see if she was ok. He calls me and tells me that he and everyone with him has seen my fiance all over her fellow model, kissing and groping him. They then left the club together without telling anyone.

This was not the first story i have been told in our time together but the first by someone just after it occured. I know in my gut the other stories are true but this just cemented it all for me.  I also suspect she has cheated on quite a few other occasions but nothing to back it up except for knowing when things just don't fit.

Well, the next day I told we were finished. I did not tellher how I found out but I knew what she had done. She denied it profusely, of course, but I did not let up.  The next day she starts messaging me begging me to give her another chance and how she wants me back.

She says that she will change and will never entertain other guys again.  I said that I want at least a week to myself to thinks about things.  I know her promises are most likely total rubbish but I want to see if anyone here would consider giving her a chance?

My head says no, my heart says yes.

[Take2]

That's definitely a tough one... .   I will answer from the perspective of someone who went thru the same things from the female side (we were never engaged nor living together though).  I knew for a year and a half he was probably going out with different girls here and there.  Before that past year though, I honestly don't think he was.  I could be a complete fool seeing as how I had caught him on dating websites long before.  With this current girl, who he is now very serious with, I found out about his r/s when our mutual coworker told me about it.  I was stunned to say the least.  This was him caught big time.  Of course when I called him out, he raged at me and blamed me for it because I've been so disrespectful and blahblahblah.  When I found out about it - they had already told one another that they loved each other !    As far as I can tell, this was 3 to 4 weeks max of having met.  Of course who knows.  Anyway - my point is - I have gone through this with mine and it hasn't gone well.  Of course everyone is different.  No doubt that my exBPDbf is a more severe rager than many others I read about.  You have to consider that you might start to turn into her with paranoia over who is textig her, where she is, etc... .   it's not fun to go thru that parnoia.  Think long and hard.

Only you know the true answer... .    Good luck... . I truly wish you well... .

[woodsposse]

 

In answering the question "would you give her another chance?" - it doesn't matter what my answer would be.  The question for you is that, as well as "Why would you want to give her another chance?"

This is by no means me saying, trying to say or have it come anyway across as I am conseling you on staying or going.  Far from it.  But... . the question to you is - after reading your story - it sounds as if you feel she hurt you.  I mean, repeatedly hurt you.  Either by doing something you don't like (like getting it on with some other dude), or making you feel like you can't have friends, or grills you if you so much as think about stepping out of the house.

That's the way it reads to me.  So if that is how you feel by things she has done, why would you give her another chance to do it to you again?  

Lets even back that up a bit.  When someone says "give me another chance"... . they are really saying "I didn't 'act' the way I was suppose to and not get in trouble with you... . so, let me try it again and make sure I get the 'act' right"

(okay... . maybe not all the time when someone says that... . but you get where I'm going.)

Bottom line is this - a person is going to act (or be) whatever that person is.  We shouldn't be asked to change for someone else... . so why would we ask them to change (even if they could).  That's sorta unfair.

So I say this.  Rejoice in the fact that she has shown you who she really is - because how you explain how she is in your r/s... . guess what... . that's who she is.  You should be happy that you have found someone unafraid to be herself with you.  She loves and trusts you enough to show you she is a selfish, emotionally immature, uncaring woman with no problems disregarding your boundaries or your trust or your feelings for her selfish and simple pleasure.  Had she not shown you how horribly horrible she is, first, you wouldn't have ended up here... . and second, you would somehow still be thinking she is some awesomely put together person filled with love and really happiness not only for herself but the partner she choices - and when you found out later who she really was you would be upset because you feel she betrayed you for not having told you the truth years before.

So this is a happy day.

Now you get to make a clear conscious choice.

1.  Give her another chance

2.  Let her go her happy way

[ShakinMyHead]

Popeye, I'm gonna have a go at your question. Get my mind off my BPDex for a moment . The general consensus when dealing with BPD/NPD partners that you are not married to, and have no children with yet, is to go No Contact, head for the hills you lucky ass! One day you will appreciate that, I promise.   What you are asking is ":)oes anyone on the board support you walking right back into the lions mouth?" I think the answer really is "are you ready to let go?" If you are, you will not give her another chance to hurt you, and repeat the cycle, which she will. If you are not ready you may have to go a few more rounds of the same stuff. Many a BPDp separates and gets help, therapy, inpatient, Rx's, etc... and then works on relationship. You are considering taking her back now where there's been no space to use this leverage to encourage her to help herself. Forget lying to yourself and believing she will work on it now, she was caught and she's panicking. The problem is you go into withdrawal also if you don't let her come back right away. Where we make our error is, we repeat the cycle hoping they will change, but in reality, the cycle repeats as long as it takes us to realize they will never change, only we, the nons, the co-dependent is in a position to break the re-cycle. Unless you are dealing with what Andrea Nouri refers to as "The Train Wreck Narcissist", (who rails through your life never to be seen or heard from again) all the rest of them tend to come back around and around and around, checking to see if you forgot their last indiscretion and you can be seduced once again. They are Vampires for Drama and attention at the very minimum. My advise to you is not to take her back in your home yet and not to end anything yet, just to be still and if you speak with her take some space to let the emotions settle, to reveal how you are truly feeling, not just reacting to crisis and the loss of her. You might be ok after a week, if you just gave yourself time for the dust to clear. BPD is a disease of disregulation, meaning disordered reactions. And you want to believe her that she will never cheat again, and let her back. That's an unfounded reaction if there ever was, right? For you, it's like a diet, the first 3 days off carbs is brutal but then you sail. A lot of it is truly physical. When I left my BPD/NPDexbf my best gf told me I looked like I'd just walked off a space ship. Give yourself a week, let her get some help, see if she does, think about what you really want, don't just react to feeling rejected or the loss or fear, think about what the strongest part of you would choose to do? Use this time, space as a way to help her take steps toward health, as we are known to be their enablers by being malignant optimists and gratifying them too soon for our own needs. You already know the answer, are you ready? Hugs, SMH

[popeye6031]

Thanks for the honest answers and sound advice everyone.

I know what the right thing to do is and know it is hard but will have a good think about things the next few days. Get used to the peace, quiet and not having to answer for every move I make.

[pinkparchment]

I have been in this situation. I wanted to be with my exBPDgf SO badly, although there was absolutely NO reason for that. My heart said YES, my head said what the &*$! are you thinking. My logical side held out just long enough for her to get tired of my indecision and paint me black, and then promptly disappeared as I tried desperately to get her back only to be ignored.

2 months of NC and I am already saying my thank yous to the heavens above. I'm not over her, I haven't stopped caring about her, but I'm able to think clearly. How long would have love and love alone sustained us for a lifetime when we were entirely incompatible, had polar values and belief systems. How long before I resented her for all I'd given up for her? How long before all those annoying traits made me want to scream?

I recently read a quote somewhere that said something along the lines of "Marriage should not feel like a prison cell, it should feel like liberation." Love is not enough to make a life together. It's just not. Prior to our separation (instigated by me after being convinced my BPD was the love of my life and I'd "settled", my marriage was just that. I felt so free. Free to be myself, free to do what made me happy, supported and encouraged in exploring new friendships, activities, and passions. I didn't realize how much of that was the result of a stable relationship. Is that how you feel with your current fiance? It sounds like you feel like a prisoner.

I thank God my husband wanted to take me back. We've never lost our friendship, he wanted me to be happy and said he'd support us together if that was what I decided, but that he believed we would both regret a divorce for the rest of our lives. I know he was right. I have a loong way to go to atone for my sins and earn his trust, but I know if we made it through this we'll make it through anything.

Just sharing my hard-earned truth with you, as a friend who made a life-altering mistake that cost me thousands of tears and endless months of heartache.

[popeye6031]

Thanks for sharing your story there pinkparchment.  You struck a few chords with me there.  I have felt like a complete prisoner in my relationship.  This week I even signed up to do tag rugby at work.  The first truly social thing I have done since meeting her.

She has been messaging me telling me she wants me back.  I did not realise that it was her decision.  For weeks before the night in question, she was very distant and now that she can no longer take me for granted, she  is begging for me to come back.  If I did go back it would be because I felt sorry for her because I know we can never work.