The other parent (spouse of BPD)

[rebl.brown]

Sigh, as usual that's how I feel when I think about my parents.  Just got through a short visit with NPfather who was married to the witch 35 years, they're now divorced and he married another very effective enabler.  The visit was superficial for me, I've learned to keep my emotional distance pretty well, he was only at my house one night.  I just hate seeing him or spending time near him or having him invade my space.  He was here for a family funeral which I didn't go to, yea for me.  Usually I would but I had a boundary I honored, yea.

No personal attacks towards me or anything, I just feel so drained being around him.  I want to let go even more and I am not so much talking about contact as heart contact.  I don't want any.  I don't want to try and entertain him anymore so he'll leave me alone when he visits, I don't want to listen to his opinions and judgments about me or other people anymore.  I want him to take his approval and stick it.  I want to let go of the past and any trace of a feeling of self-blame for me.  I want to move on and not live the rest of my life in the shadow of what happened the first 20 years of my life.  No more abuse, see him for what he is, expect what he is to be played out and don't look to him anymore in anyway as "my parent", its over and I want to let it be over.  Whew, thanks for listening.

[clljhns]

Hi rebl.brown,

I understand how you feel about your dad. My mom is the BPD, but I suspect that dad is NPD. He always defended my mom, even when she would rant at him and call him all kinds of demeaning names. I used to think that he was a silent, long-suffering partner. As an adult though, I realized that her illness served a great purpose for him. He could feel in control of the situation when she was out of control, and he would direct her from behind the scenes. They are still married after 57 years.

I remember a conversation in which I asked him why he would allow her to beat my two siblings. His only remark was that he talked to her about this. Lame answer!

I do hope that you continue to take care of yourself and keep your boundaries firmly in place. I noticed that you want emotional distance, not just physical distance from your dad. I completely understand this statement. For me, emotional distance meant that I went NC. Just couldn't handle the roller coaster ride of emotions when I was around them. They would do and say some of the craziest things, that I would feel off balance for days after seeing them.

Glad you are here and many blessings to you!