Is Compassion for the person wBPD necessary to fully heal?

[coastalfog1]

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been lurking in the background reading. I've started therapy,stopped drinking, and have tried to place the focus back on me instead of blaming her for every thing. Things are getting better, the dreams are less frequent, I've smiled more  in he last two weeks than I did during the whole time my ex wBPD were together. I see a small light at the end of this nightmare if I work on myself. But I'm struggling with a concept my T brought up, that of compassion for my ex. I'll admit it I love the woman she pretended to be, I hate the woman she was, I want no harm to come to her though I  suspect one day she'll go to far and someone will snap on her. I know who my replacement is and the sick thing is I'm grateful it's not me. At the same time this person is 19 going on 20, a sophomore in the undergrad program I was getting my master's in.  Why is it I should have compassion for her while she destroys this person. What does not feeling any compassion for her say about me as a person? The T say's until I have the capacity to empathize with her I will never fully move on.  Anybody else struggle with this?

[Madison66]

Great question, coastalog1!

I think it is easy to paint this question as black and white, when I find it to be complex and based on how I define compassion and empathy within the reality of emotional and physical abuse amidst mental illness. 

I first had to forgive myself for allowing myself to endure the years of abuse and remain in the r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  While doing that, I have had to maintain n/c and be on alert for potential future unwanted contact.  I understand the abuse, both emotional and physical, are part of the disorder.  There were things she did that I believe were done unconsciously and consciously.  It is what it is and the abuse is and will never again be part of my life.  I am taking care of "me" first.   

I left her and her three young kids in a better place than I found them.  I hold no ill will towards my ex gf and hope she finds peace.  That is the extent of the compassion and empathy I hold in my being towards her.  Again, I am taking care of myself first.  I define compassion and empathy in the terms I stated above.  No more or less. 

[Take2]

I don't know that I agree with that at all Coastal Fog... .  having compassion for my ex-BPD-bf has kept me stuck for a very long period of time while the abuse has increased dramatically.  I think that whatever you need to make yourself healthy and NOT focus on her at all is what is healthy for you.  Obviously not if that includes going out to hurt her in some way - but obviously you aren't doing that.  

I am painted so black and still struggling from withdrawal from my addiction to my ex that it's hard to think straight, but I do know that my replacement and he recently split this week - and I feel a ton of compassion for HER.  As far as I can tell, she is probably a sweet girl with a 2 yro.  She doesn't deserve to be on the crazy train at all.  I hope for her sake and her son's sake that she is the one who dumped him because she has a backbone... .  

[corraline]

sometimes i wonder if i have confused compassion with pity at times.

Im pondering the differences

“Pity” is an emotional response based on fear and misunderstanding

“Compassion,” by contrast, is “coming alongside another human being”.

Just reading an interesting article about that at the moment.

[slimmiller]

This is a very good question and I look forward to hearing more of what others think in the subject

I come and go on it. There are days where I feel nothing but pity for the poor sick creature that she truly is but on the days when she makes my life as a 'co parent' (if there is such a thing with a BPD) a complete Hell, then could not be happier then if she fell off of the face of the earth and became a bad nightmare and only in my memories.

I guess for me, I cant really feel true compassion for her because doing so would be overlooking the pain she has caused me. While I feel I should have compassion, what about me? How am I supposed to feel if I pretend to everlook all that Hell, even if it is a sickness.

In essence, its making her treatment towards me acceptable by feeling for her when in fact its me that she damaged

Yes? No?

[DB33]

Understanding that the woman you fell in love with is real helped me.  She wasn't pretending. But that funny, smart, sexy, adoring woman is a sum of many parts. She is also mistrusting, insecure, jealous, controlling, angry etc. She goes into a relationship headfirst no holds barred, with high hopes and unrealistic expectations. Inevitably it does usually fail. The good her and the bad her are both in there. Yes she lies, yes she acts, yes she lashes out. Inside she is in turmoil and fear and the more I learn about BPD and codependancy the more compassion I feel.  You will notice I included codependancy. Just like she is the sum of many parts, so was our relationship. I am included in those parts as I was part of the problem.

You are on the right track with the blame game. It's what I figured out too.

[HappyNihilist]

I think it's hard for a lot of us to get over this concept of fairness. I assure you that life in general will be easier if you work on that -- and it's certainly impossible to understand a r/s with a pwBPD through that lens. (Does a 3-year-old child act fairly?)

Compassion is typically seen as wanting to "help" in some way. Let's not use that definition. Instead we'll stick with empathy, which is at its core just the ability to recognize the humanity and emotions of another person.

It doesn't mean that you accept what someone is doing is right. It's not validation. Rather, it's simply accepting that the other person is a complex human with their own emotions, issues, and motivations.

I think the healthiest part of empathy in these situations is that it can actually let you DETACH. Once you start looking at the other person in terms of his/her own self, not as it impacts or relates to you, then you can separate more. You can move from a place of hate or obsession into a place of detached understanding.

[seeking balance]

Hurt is a hard emotion to process and perhaps compassion for the specific person who hurt you feels too big right now... . and that is ok.

Maybe start with baby steps - compassion for all mentally ill people first and accepting BPD as a true mental illness?

The 5th stage of Detachment is freedom:

The T say's until I have the capacity to empathize with her I will never fully move on.

I suspect your T is talking about freedom.

I found it helpful to start where I am rather than the end of the race - be where I need to be.  I focus on my healing, my gratitude, my emotions, my spirituality - and with time - compassion for BPD has happened for me.  That does not mean I don't have waves of hurt at times (rarely these days), but that is my grief of losing something I loved - not anger about it... . acceptance does lend itself to compassion.

Good question Coastal - be where you need to be right now 

[Take2]

I think it's hard for a lot of us to get over this concept of fairness. I assure you that life in general will be easier if you work on that -- and it's certainly impossible to understand a r/s with a pwBPD through that lens. (Does a 3-year-old child act fairly?)

I think the healthiest part of empathy in these situations is that it can actually let you DETACH. Once you start looking at the other person in terms of his/her own self, not as it impacts or relates to you, then you can separate more. You can move from a place of hate or obsession into a place of detached understanding.

That's me... .   I have been SO stuck on things being SO unfair.  For ALL the abuse that I allowed and forgave and then he discards me over nothing... .   I try and remember the toddler comparison when it comes to the raging but I guess I wasn't thinking about whether or not they (toddlers) act fairly also.  I'll try and focus on that more so that it will help me detach more. 

I had been detaching for a long time but truly slid so far backwards over the last month or two.  Obsession entered back in.  Not a fun place to be.  Painful and flat out embarrassing at this point. 

I will think more about this ... . it helps right now... . thank you... .

[coolioqq]

I think that compassion for our exBPDs is necessary as we should not allow ourselves to entirely identify them with their condition. However, during our recovery phase, I think that two things are very important:

1) Remain NC and

2) Do not focus on compassion/empathy towards them because that may keep us "locked" in either of the following states: "I am the stronger one, I should be there for him/her until they heal" or "Maybe the problem was in me all along" or "Now that I know enough about BPD maybe I can fix him/her" or _put your own fantasy here_

Maybe your T meant that you should feel compassion for your ex, but only when you heal yourself. I think that once you are fully healed, you will feel it. It is admittedly difficult to be compassionate towards someone who has hurt us so badly. But I see personal healing as the road to forgiveness and compassion. Forgiveness is often misinterpreted. It is not an act of submission or weakness or going back to the previous page; it simply means letting go. Likewise, compassion is not an act of weakness or lack of self-esteem. On the contrary, it is an act of a healthy ego relating to suffering of an unhealthy one. It is about being self-aware and thankful of your own mental and emotional health enough to recognize the lack of it in our BPD exes and wishing them the same as you have. Because, let's face it, they need it SO VERY BADLY.

But, again, while we are still grieving the relationship and our love for them may not be the right time to preoccupy our thoughts and forcing ourselves to feel compassion. If it's not natural, don't force it, until you're ready. You will be ready! You can be sure of that. You just need time.

[corraline]

I guess what we interpret as  the "nothing"  though, is "something" to them.  If i had known about BPD in the relationship I may have been more mindful about how i handled things. Maybe... . ? I was so triggered, i could be fooling myself right now. Just like the thought i have that i am feeling more compassion for him than i did before. I'll have to ask myself that question if i get any more hate mail or triggers.  ugh.!

[fromheeltoheal]

For me the healing came first and then the compassion; maybe having compassion for her is a later stage of healing, don't really care because it came easily.

Once I left her she was both the biggest fcking bhit and the most amazing woman in the universe, very, very strong emotions in both directions.  Then she became someone I hated, with an illness I also hated.  Then she became a sick person and I pitied her, along with detaching her from my fantasy of her, the woman I fell in love with who doesn't exist.  Then the realization I fell in love with a fantasy, and not really love, an addiction, forced the focus to shift to me.  Lots of anger, depression, blah, not even about her much, mostly at myself and at people who had 'trespassed against me.'  And as that has passed some hope has shown up, some positive focus on the future, lots of awareness of the work I've done and still need to do.  And finally, compassion for her and also gratitude for the relationship because it took me to places that motivated growth that I've been working on for decades and couldn't make it past; she pushed me over.  Not compassion for all the games she played mind you, the lies, the infidelity, the disrespect, those are only symptoms of an illness that a very messed up, beautiful girl got from her upbringing, very unfair, such a waste of a beautiful spirit, I wish her well, as long as it's somewhere else.

[HappyNihilist]

Not compassion for all the games she played mind you, the lies, the infidelity, the disrespect, those are only symptoms of an illness that a very messed up, beautiful girl got from her upbringing, very unfair, such a waste of a beautiful spirit, I wish her well, as long as it's somewhere else.

Very well said. Thank you for this.

I don't excuse my exbf's behavior. Regardless of anyone's past, we all make our own choices in life. But I definitely have compassion for the person inside.

Thinking back to the issue of fairness -- it's incredibly unfair that these people were so damaged and hurt, almost always by people who were supposed to have their best interests at heart, that they developed in this way. It breaks my heart. It makes me angry. In fantasies I've hunted down my exbf's parents, especially his father, and tortured and killed them. In reality, of course, that is nothing that can ever be changed, corrected, or forgotten. It is heartbreaking, but it, sadly, just is.

[HappyNihilist]

That's me... .   I have been SO stuck on things being SO unfair.  For ALL the abuse that I allowed and forgave and then he discards me over nothing... .   I try and remember the toddler comparison when it comes to the raging but I guess I wasn't thinking about whether or not they (toddlers) act fairly also.  I'll try and focus on that more so that it will help me detach more. 

I had been detaching for a long time but truly slid so far backwards over the last month or two.  Obsession entered back in.  Not a fun place to be.  Painful and flat out embarrassing at this point. 

I will think more about this ... . it helps right now... . thank you... .

Take2, I'm glad I was able to help in some way.

It really has helped me to let go of (not accept) his behavior when I remind myself of where he's stuck emotionally. The rages and tantrums, the impulsivity, the inability to put another's needs above one's own, the egocentricism, the unfairness, the sensitivity... . yes, toddler central.

It's OK to slide back sometimes. The stages of grieving and moving on don't usually happen sequentially. Finding yourself in a place where you've already been isn't a sign you're regressing.

[corraline]

I kind of liken it to dancing.

I used to be doing the tango with my ex.  Now im doing the hokey pokey all by myself.   

[allibaba]

But I'm struggling with a concept my T brought up, that of compassion for my ex. I'll admit it I love the woman she pretended to be, I hate the woman she was, I want no harm to come to her though I  suspect one day she'll go to far and someone will snap on her. ... . The T say's until I have the capacity to empathize with her I will never fully move on.  Anybody else struggle with this?

I am not sure if "Compassion" is the right word here but I agree with the therapist.  I think that most people stuck on these types of relationships fly back and forth between the extremes of *overly giving*  all the way to *too rigid*.  Both are forms of avoidance in the relationship.  Avoiding conflict by never saying NO... . all the way to avoiding emotionally hurt by refusing to interact and rigidly digging our heels in... .

I think that in order to fully detach and heal... . we have to step back from the vortex... . attain peace from the true, gut feeling understanding that this disorder has nothing to do with us (even if we do tend to enable it) and then be able to interact rationally with our ex (if and when required)... . even though they are not capable of 'rational interaction'... . doing all of this requires a bit of compassion or empathy... . understanding that 'they are sick.  their behavior is bad.  they can only hurt us when we let them.'

Since I have my son... . I do not have the luxury of just cutting off by husband.  I am actually grateful for this because it FORCES me to face my fears and treat him with love, consideration and caring and enforce reasonable (not rigid) boundaries.  Still don't know how it will all play out!  Watch this space.