Please share your wise parenting advice for this situation

[BioAdoptMom3]

Though we have raised two sons you all know that parenting teens with mental illness is totally different!  DD is in a residential treatment center, just diagnosed a month ago with bipolar, anxiety disorder and PTSD (abandonment issues related to adoption, my former breast cancer diagnosis and rape by the father of a friend last summer).  She has dealt with eating disorders, self-injury, suicide ideation and attempts, pot smoking and has a great deal of difficulty maintaining relationships.  She admitted to trying alcohol at a friend's house as well as smoking cigarettes.  She is now telling us that she is craving cigarettes.  First, I know she didn't do it very much because DH and I can both smell the stuff a mile away and the FEW times we asked about the smoky smell on her she had been in the home of a friend whose parents smoked. Most of the time we never smelled it on her or her clothes, nor have we ever found cigarettes. Not doing it all that often, and not being anywhere near it for over a month I find it hard to believe she is craving.  She has asked us to buy her a vapor pen when she is discharged (she is 14).  We have already said no and she continues to insist that she WILL smoke again when she gets out if we don't get her one.  She will find a way to get the cigarettes.  She has also told me she plans to quit when she is over being so "emotionally fragile" (her words) - yeah right!  I am not sure how to handle this.  We can say no, but I am sure she will find a way, even if just to prove to us she is going to do what she says.  We can have a rule that she can only see friends here at our house... . but we all know kids can still find a way to do what they want.  Advice?

Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

When is she going to be discharged?

If it's fairly far off, I'd say that even though I haven't changed my mind, I would think about it some more, and we could talk about it when the time comes... .

[jellibeans]

I like the delay option too. By the time she gets out things might be very different

What are the odds that someone at her rtc has one of these vapor cigs? If this was my dd she always wants what someone else has. These cigs are not bad for you?

I have just recent found out my dd is smoking though I have asked several times about it she always said no. I used to smoke as a teen and I do remember that I craved a cig when I was stressed. Do you think your dd finds it soothing?

I think I might want to know the reasoning behind wanting it but until that day comes then I would delay.

[Dibdob59]

I wish I could give you a solution but all I can do is give you my experience with my UBPDS29.

He was always highly gifted at any sport he took part in.  Victor Ludorum of his school and trials at a high level for the county (we are in the UK).  At around 13/14 his behaviour worsened (previously very sensitive, easily upset, shy etc) and he started to show anger.  He hated to be around anyone who smoked and even split on his school friends who were smoking saying how disgusting he found it and how it was bad for their health.

I discovered he was smoking when he was around 17, the age when he really started to fall out with his father (ex Marine and UNPD/BPD) and could not believe it. 

However, I now know it is soothing for him.  He has tried over the years to stop, always on his own  terms (fair enough) but each time he cannot.  When he disregulates, is triggered, stressed, angry etc the first thing he does is reach for a cigarette.  I am convinced it is a form of self medication.  Nobody else in our family smokes and I dislike it because of the smell and health risks.  However, in the scheme of things I now let it go.  To keep nagging him about it makes him more stressed and he smokes more.  I also believe he feels shame for smoking so asking him to stop triggers guilt too.

I see it as choosing my battles.  There are worse things he could be doing.  Defeatist?  To me I have adapted to being a realist.

I don't like it but I try to practice 'radical acceptance'.  Your DD is younger I know but I thought I would share my battle position with you.

Dibdob

[jeb]

When my nonBPD son was 17, I was still in my marriage and we had a horrible year. My son was binge drinking 5 nights out of 7, smoking up regularly and staying out all night and would not hear of a curfew.  I actually once drove by him and saw him light a cigarette which for my now-ex and me was worse than the occasional toke.  In the meantime my DD was binging and beginning to purge till she had to go to a Centre here in Canada for those young adults with eating disorders because she was binging and purging  6 or 7 times a day.

My son had one bad year and then went back to university and has completely turned himself around even though during this one year I was convinced he was bipolar and I was very anxious about him.  My DD on the other hand has her coping mechanism for stress and it is not smoking.  She buys about $100 (Canadian) worth of food and then binges and then purges.  It is her go to stress reducer but the horrible thing is that she always feels worse about herself after she does it.  I guess what I am saying is at one time I was convinced both kids were going down the wrong path but my son pulled  himself out of it; he still drinks & does weed recreationally; but he is 23 and has just finished third year engineering and is doing really well scholastically and has really straightened out.

So my DD is still struggling and probably will for who knows how long but there was a time when I thought my son was on the road to ruin and now I am so proud of him.  You never know what a year or two might do for some adolescents.  I think now as both my kids are in their twenties, adolescence can sometimes be a time to act out and rebel and things will get better as they mature (for half of them as has been my experience).  I hope that the bigger picture will find things getting better for you and your situation.  I just know that I jumped to conclusions too soon regarding my son, but not my DD (who has also been diagnosed with OCD, ADD, anxiety and depression).

[theplotthickens]

I have not read the other replies.  

A couple considerations.  1) If you allow yourself to be threatened and manipulated into giving into her demands, how will that help her?  2) Who makes the rules for behavior at your house?   3) If you do not live within your own value system, how can you respect yourself as a parent?

My dd picked up smoking as one of the many negative behaviors she picked up in a treatment center environment.  We do not allow smoking in our home, and if I find my daughter is smoking or using drugs, she will have to have more supervision and lose trust/freedom.

My advice: DROP the expectation if it isn't a big deal to you, and STICK TO YOUR GUNS if it IS.  Smoking is an extremely self-destructive behavior.   Do not let your daughter make demands that are harmful.  I highly recommend reading "The Essential Family Guide to BPD" by Randi Kreger for more on setting boundaries.