Today was a day of mixed emotions

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw is out of town studying at her university for the 4 days. Her D17 is at school. I didn't have any commitments today. So, I decided several days ago to drive into San Francisco to the California Academy of Science which is a great place! I decided not to meet with friends or bring any friends with me and just to have a day for myself. I felt guilty having time just for myself and deciding to do something for myself, but I needed to do that.

After that, I went to the Japanese Tea Garden and to the beach and started the trek coming back here. I then decided to see a movie, "Cesar Chavez", which is pretty good. Before the movie though, there were some TV commercials about future programs. One of them is called "Chasing Life", a girl in her 20s who finds out that she has cancer and how she copes with that.

Seeing that my first wife died of cancer 17 years ago, that was hard enough. However, the day of the week and the date this year, Tuesday, June 10th, is when this TV program begins, and it just so happens it is the same day of the week and the same date that my first wife passed away. That is when I lost it, and I began crying. Luckily, nobody else was in the theater at that moment, and I regained my composure after about a minute.

After this day of mixed emotions, seeing that my BPDw is so selfish and seeing that when I do share my emotions with her, when I called her, I chose not to share my emotional day with her. To top it all off, because she was so busy with her last couple of days, she completely forgot that I was going to have this day off for myself. So, I think why should I even bother sharing these emotions with her? I just told her what I did, and that was it.

Like many of you, I validate my BPDw so very much, but she never leaves room for me emotionally and oftentimes does not care what I do, anyway.

Thank you for letting me share with you folks!

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[Haye]

All i can say is that don't feel guilty about taking some time for yourself! (I do unnecessary guilts myself, so i do empathize but it's not needed and might even be harmful).

[empathic]

It's difficult when there is a large emotional gap. I can think back in time a lot about things, being triggered by things I see or hear (certain music for example). My wife on the other hand doesn't think about the past at all, at least not in any apparent way. So I have also decided not to share this way of thinking with her, because there is no point - she won't understand it.