see a therapist

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I talked with a social worker/therapist today about my BPD ex and my situation. I really don't see how they can offer any help to the non-BPDs. As evidenced here, everyone is leaning on each other saying the same things... 'you are better without her, you are free, time will heal you, stay away from your BPD ex, etc... . Am I right or wrong in asserting that there isn't much help for me or any of us that have been gutted by a BPD? It's just us here to support each other and lick our wounds.

Am I off base or right on the money?

[cron65]

I talked with a social worker/therapist today about my BPD ex and my situation. I really don't see how they can offer any help to the non-BPDs. As evidenced here, everyone is leaning on each other saying the same things... 'you are better without her, you are free, time will heal you, stay away from your BPD ex, etc... . Am I right or wrong in asserting that there isn't much help for me or any of us that have been gutted by a BPD? It's just us here to support each other and lick our wounds.

Am I off base or right on the money?

[LettingGo14]

Here are a few reasons I have a T:

1. I am learning to express my emotions, beyond anger, in a controlled & safe environment;

2. I am learning what Family of Origin (FOO) issues kept me "stuck" and "recycling" in the relationship;

3. I talk about how and what type of "healthy relationship" I might have in the future;

4. I stop ruminating on ex-girlfriend, and focus on what I need, and what I want.

There are many more articulate posts here about the value of self-reflection, learning to "individuate" and go through "abandonment depression."  But, my experience with T has been to "focus" my attention on the only thing I have power over: myself.   Too often, I've circled my pain, stuck to it, and returned to the source of my pain (recycling).  But therapy has served -- although slowly & painfully -- to give me more tools for self-reflection.

[Madison66]

Here are a few reasons I have a T:

1. I am learning to express my emotions, beyond anger, in a controlled & safe environment;

2. I am learning what Family of Origin (FOO) issues kept me "stuck" and "recycling" in the relationship;

3. I talk about how and what type of "healthy relationship" I might have in the future;

4. I stop ruminating on ex-girlfriend, and focus on what I need, and what I want.

There are many more articulate posts here about the value of self-reflection, learning to "individuate" and go through "abandonment depression."  But, my experience with T has been to "focus" my attention on the only thing I have power over: myself.   Too often, I've circled my pain, stuck to it, and returned to the source of my pain (recycling).  But therapy has served -- although slowly & painfully -- to give me more tools for self-reflection.

Cron,

I concur with LettingGo on reasons to use a T for help with your recovery.  I'm lucky in that my T is experienced in working with pw BPD, NPD and non's.  The point about FOO is especially important and could lead you to understanding why you chose to be someone with a PD, why you stayed and why you may have returned over and over.  My T also helped me great with "emotional timeline therapy", which helped me deal with the real events and hurts that were just stuck in my mind after the b/u.  I soon learned how to deal with the issues and then file them where they belong - in the past.  Lastly, my T is helping me to heal and look forward to future r/s without fear of repeating what I just went through.  My experience is that I wouldn't be where I'm at 124 days out if it hadn't been for the help of my T!

[cron65]

That's all well and good but I know that I am damaged from my past. The great events that shaped me and made me susceptible to this BPD. YOu see, I know who I am already. I know the hurt from my past and how they have shaped me. I am well aware of my flaws and my short comings. I don't see how a therapist can help me with something I already know.


I am what I am. This is me. People rarely change esp. as we age. Bpds have little chance of change. When it is your personality(whether you are normal or BPD), something that has been shaped since birth, good luck for anyone or any therapy trying to fix that. Now, am I right or wrong about that? I'd like to know.

[LettingGo14]

I am what I am. This is me. People rarely change esp. as we age. Bpds have little chance of change. When it is your personality(whether you are normal or BPD), something that has been shaped since birth, good luck for anyone or any therapy trying to fix that. Now, am I right or wrong about that? I'd like to know.

Here's a quote I read in a an article about therapy:  "Fear in life is fear of change.  Most people do not want to change.  They hold fast to their ideas of themselves, to their interpretations of how things are, to their grievances, their anxieties, their identities, their pain."

If I can have a trained outside party help me: (1) identify patterns, (2) offer alternative interpretations, (3) process pain that I might not have learned to process in FOO, (4) relieve my grievances, (5) re-focus my attention, (6) push me to grow, then I "evolve."

It's evolution I seek.   That's why I go.

[just_confused]

My T is helping me deal with the abuse I suffered and working with me on why I react the way I do sometimes. She is helping me set goals to become stronger. I don't just sit and talk, I work. I think everyone needs therapy.

[cron65]

That is fine for you. I am almost 50 now. I am a product of my past... roses and warts all. I am glad it works for you. God bless you. For me, I see it as a futile waste of my time.

[Madison66]

That is fine for you. I am almost 50 now. I am a product of my past... roses and warts all. I am glad it works for you. God bless you. For me, I see it as a futile waste of my time.

Sounds like you already made up your mind. Why did you ask? I'm also almost 50 and happy to report that I'm still learning and evolving. I suppose you can do that without T, but it is certanly not a big waste of time if you put your heart into it. Good luck with whatever path you choose!

[just_confused]

I can't criticize someone for not wanting to do therapy. It really is just a personal choice. Having said that, I think it is helpful to have an unbiased third party to talk to. That's why I think everyone needs therapy.

[Waifed]

That is fine for you. I am almost 50 now. I am a product of my past... roses and warts all. I am glad it works for you. God bless you. For me, I see it as a futile waste of my time.

I'm 47. I have been in therapy once a week for almost 7 months. I decided that I wanted to deal with my childhood/codependency issues. It has not been easy. Lots of sadness and hurt reliving the past but it has changed me. I no longer crave needy, "damaged" women. It has been a very frightening journey. I've gone from craving chaos to being afraid because I didn't know what I wanted to wanting a healthy drama free relationship. My self esteem is almost all of the way back. I am comfortable being myself and I can be by myself (without a partner).  I no longer fear intimacy and my fear of abandonment is rapidly improving. I hit rock bottom with my BPD relationship and it forced me to deal with my issues. It has been the best thing that could have happened to me.  Point is therapy works if you are open to it, honest with yourself and your therapist.

[Sunny Side]

Very personal decision, Cron.  I've always thought if I'm stumbling around inside a dark cave and someone offers me a flashlight, what would be my reason for not taking it?  But even with the flashlight I still must find my own way out of the cave.

[nownotsure]

I am well aware of my flaws and my short comings. I don't see how a therapist can help me with something I already know.

Usually someone has to have some type of goal in mind in order to benefit from psychotherapy. Often us non's end up feeling completely victimized by the end, that we need help in order to pick up the pieces. Consider yourself lucky that you are able to move on with relative ease.

[Split black]

That is fine for you. I am almost 50 now. I am a product of my past... roses and warts all. I am glad it works for you. God bless you. For me, I see it as a futile waste of my time.

Im older then you... . therapists are like trying on running shoes... . you keep going till you find a good fit. I didnt believe in them much... but this guy im seeing... . has been thru the mill... . hes seen it all... . ex addict, recovered BPD himself. He understands core issues that keep us repeating patterns and keep us stuck in addictive toxic relationships. They are definitely NOT a quick fix, but I find myself thinking about a session days later... . kind of cumulative effect. The end result is whatever it is you want or need help with. Thats the goal.

[Learning_curve74]

What's that old saying? Insanity is doing the same thing again and again but expecting a different result each time? If you can't change, then you aren't likely to get different results. That is your choice, no one else can make it for you.

We are all shaped and influenced by our pasts yet we are all also choosing what we do today. That we cannot choose a different path is a lie that so many people tell themselves and becomes a trap.