In such a bad place

[toomanyeggshells]

I just posted on Leaving about the most recent horrible behavior of uBPDbf, but that's not why I'm here, or maybe it is.  I don't know which way is up anymore. 

I was reading a magazine article the other day that talked about being honest with yourself, first and foremost, before you can even be honest with others.  I'm trying to dig so deep to figure out what I'm afraid of.  Why haven't I left yet?  What am I still living with him?  I feel bad for him, that's one thing, which is so absurdely ridiculous I can't believe I even have that emotion about him.  Financial ruin?  That's the main thing, I think.  But its so not important in the grand scheme of things.  My happiness, safety, life - all so much more important than money.  My family will love me no matter what.  I don't care what others will think if I move out.  Honestly, I don't.  Everyone I love can't stand him and they know how unhappy I am, how "crazy" he is.  They'll probably throw a party when I finally walk out the door. 

I need to find an apartment today, sign a lease, pack up and get my life back and I'm hopeful today is the day. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey TMES, check out these passages from the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life"; they've been profound for me:

People who become Caretakers for a BP/ NP also seem to have a certain set of personality traits. These traits do not constitute a “personality disorder .” In fact, they can be highly valued and useful to relationships and families, at work, and socially, especially when they are at moderate levels. They include a desire to do a good job, enjoyment in pleasing others, a desire to care for others, peacemaking, a gentle and mild temperament, and calm and reasonable behaviors. These traits can be the hallmark of someone who is easy to get along with, caring of others, and a good worker, spouse, and parent. But when you use these behaviors as a means of counteracting the extreme behaviors of the BP/ NP, they can morph into more toxic forms and become perfectionism, a need to please, overcompliance, extreme guilt, anxiety, overconcern, avoidance of conflict, fear of anger, low self-esteem, and passivity. At that point, these traits become detrimental to the mental, emotional, and physical health of the person and become Caretaker behaviors.

People who are emotionally healthy usually exit a relationship when this push/ pull pattern becomes more and more evident. They do not have much need or tolerance for this level of romantic or emotional instability. That is why BP/ NPs often have a pattern of many short-term relationships. But when BP/ NPs finds a Caretaker, he or she has found someone to dance to the relationship tune, someone who is adaptable and willing to be intimate and close one minute and who will also feel guilty and responsible enough to hang around when the BP/ NP pushes him or her away. Caretakers find that it is extremely difficult to abandon a BP/ NP. The Caretaker feels almost a calling to rescue someone who is emotionally hurting. It seems like the right and loving thing to do, but then you can’t see any way to leave without devastating the BP/ NP. As a Caretaker for a BP/ NP, this dance of “intimate hostility” doesn’t seem unfamiliar or bizarre to you. Your need to care for, save, protect, and take responsibility for the BP/ NP pulls you deeper into the relationship.

[toomanyeggshells]

Those are some of the most powerful words I've ever read ... . and they describe me perfectly.  Its a good thing all my co-workers are at lunch, because I sat here reading those words and broke into tears.  They speak directly to me.  Thank you so much for that, fromheeltoheal.  I'm going to order that book today. 

[fromheeltoheal]

You're welcome.  Nuthin' like a dose of validating feel-good to brighten our day.

I recycled once with my ex, and as soon as I got tired of her sht and started giving it back to her, the relationship ended immediately.  Pretty damn healthy if I do say so myself; the time for self-doubt is over.

Take care of you!

[Lucky Jim]

Great stuff, fromhtoh.  Thanks!  Been there; done that.  Now when I get a nasty message from my BPDxW, I don't mind because it serves as a reminder that I'm lucky to be divorced from her!  LuckyJim

[toomanyeggshells]

You're welcome.  Nuthin' like a dose of validating feel-good to brighten our day.

I recycled once with my ex, and as soon as I got tired of her sht and started giving it back to her, the relationship ended immediately.  Pretty damn healthy if I do say so myself; the time for self-doubt is over.

Take care of you!

This may not be the right board to ask, but when you say "I got tired of her sht and started giving it back to her", what exactly did you do? 

[fromheeltoheal]

This may not be the right board to ask, but when you say "I got tired of her sht and started giving it back to her", what exactly did you do?

Well, this is right at the end, I went on a family vacation with her and two of her kids.  She had flopped to total devaluation by then, was being just a total drag, complaining about everything, blaming, trying to assert control over everyone.  I was trying to lighten the mood, I was on vacation dammit, and I was actually having a little fun joking with her son, and she said "nothing you've said is even a little funny."  I was fresh out of tolerance so I said "well I'll try to do better, smartass."  And her teenage daughter, who had assumed the adult role in the dysfunction that is their family, started being disrespectful and mouthing off, so I told her to "stop being a little bhit and get happy, now!"  Not my proudest moments, but I was on my last legs and going insane, and one of the many unspoken elephants in the room was the fact my ex had spent the previous weekend cheating on me and I knew it.  Anyway, that got me kicked out of our hotel room, with her daughter sharing the room with her, the transparent play being that I was supposed to come back begging, pleading and apologizing.  Didn't work, by then I'd had enough and just left, stranding them.

Reading that back it sounds like a soap opera, but at the time I felt like I was going to explode, you know, the standard impossibility of trying to reason with the unreasonable and make a relationship work.  Live and learn, but before I threw in the towel and went on the attack, my heart was in the right place.

[toomanyeggshells]

I can understand your reaction completely. When you've had enough, you've had enough.