I feel a little low

[rebl.brown]

Hello friends,

been working on getting in touch with my emotions and it is hard.  Tapping in to that long ago place where I split off and dumped all the ugly emotions created by my BPD and ND parents.  I want to heal and it is worth it but in thinking about it today I imaged what I would say to my mother if I could go back in time and she were normal.  I don't know, it wasn't magical thinking or anything, it helped me understand the loss and the truth of all the emotional pain I've struggled with.  I don't know what I feel now, sad?  just low.  It's raining too so the weather is cooperating with my mood.  I've been journaling my thoughts to my therapist and I look forward to his comments.

I would so much rather stay out of this area of myself but when I do that I get so ill emotionally.  Maybe I'll do something that makes me cheerful tonight, watch a good movie.

[coraliesolange]

Isn't it funny how the weather senses what you're feeling and cooperates?   I know there's a middle ground between going overboard with your feelings and not having any feelings at all but that's a tough spot for me to find.  Sounds like it's hard for you too.  Hopefully with time the edge will wear off the negative feelings and they'll be easier to feel and move on from.  If you decide to watch a movie, you should definitely go for a comedy!

[AsianSon]

Hello friends,

been working on getting in touch with my emotions and it is hard.  Tapping in to that long ago place where I split off and dumped all the ugly emotions created by my BPD and ND parents.  I want to heal and it is worth it but in thinking about it today I imaged what I would say to my mother if I could go back in time and she were normal.  I don't know, it wasn't magical thinking or anything, it helped me understand the loss and the truth of all the emotional pain I've struggled with.  I don't know what I feel now, sad?  just low.  It's raining too so the weather is cooperating with my mood.  I've been journaling my thoughts to my therapist and I look forward to his comments.

I would so much rather stay out of this area of myself but when I do that I get so ill emotionally.  Maybe I'll do something that makes me cheerful tonight, watch a good movie.

It is a new day, and I wonder how you are feeling.  Did you enjoy a movie?  Is the weather still cooperating with your mood?   

I know that I often feel the tremendous size of the mountain I face with my uBPDm and father.  Sometimes it fades, sometimes I find a good distraction (like a movie) and other times I have to either ignore it or power over it. 

I agree with coraliesolange that the edge wears off and then we move on!   

[P.F.Change]

Hi, rebl.brown, I'm sorry you have been feeling low. 

I would so much rather stay out of this area of myself but when I do that I get so ill emotionally.  Maybe I'll do something that makes me cheerful tonight, watch a good movie.

Getting in touch with our feelings is hard work, especially after a lifetime of ignoring and repressing them. But it is an important step toward healing. I would often feel drained for a day or two after a therapy session, but I am glad I went ahead and explored all my feelings so that I could find some resolution. Avoiding was not helping me. I think it is great that you are willing to push yourself out of avoidance and do the work even though it's hard--that is really brave.  |iiiiI hope you will be pleased with the result when you are done. 

I also really like the way you came up with a solution to look after yourself. What did you watch?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[rebl.brown]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone.  I ended up on Netflix I love the BBC series"Call the Midwife".  Have you guys heard of disassociation?  I'm trying to go to the "dump"  I don't know what else to call it.  I have this split off space where I put the things that I don't want to feel and I wish so much I could stay out of there, I feel I don't have a choice because it's so hard to live in the present when I refuse to look or process the dump.  Ugh, I just don't feel good I don't want to do this.

[AsianSon]

Have you guys heard of disassociation?  I'm trying to go to the "dump"  I don't know what else to call it.  I have this split off space where I put the things that I don't want to feel and I wish so much I could stay out of there, I feel I don't have a choice because it's so hard to live in the present when I refuse to look or process the dump.  Ugh, I just don't feel good I don't want to do this.

It sound hard for you at the moment, and I understand how that can be.  Personally, I don't have much success with compartmentalizing the negatives. 

For me, it seems a little better to pick small or manageable negatives to work on while leaving the others in the "split off space".  The idea is to distract myself with the small item and to give myself a chance to succeed by overcoming it.  Maybe it is a kind of "acceptance" a little at a time.  And if that doesn't work, I try to put it down, but maintain my focus away from that other "space."

All of us are stronger than we think. 

Wishing you wellness... .

[P.F.Change]

I have this split off space where I put the things that I don't want to feel and I wish so much I could stay out of there, I feel I don't have a choice because it's so hard to live in the present when I refuse to look or process the dump.  Ugh, I just don't feel good I don't want to do this.

A lot of people dissociate, especially when faced with a traumatic situation. It isn't easy to face the things we've pushed away into the "dump" (I kind of like that way of calling it). If it were easy we wouldn't have put it there to begin with. It usually doesn't feel very good... . but you are doing it with a safe person (your therapist), and with that support you can process it all and then move on. You don't have to keep reliving it all forever. Whereas if you were to keep ignoring it, the unresolved feelings would keep following you around. Like you said, repressing makes you "ill emotionally." I know it's hard and you don't want to feel the bad feelings, and I'm awfully proud of you for doing it anyway. Hang in there.