oh the drama updates long time coming

[Seneca]

hi guys! it's been a long time since i posted. uBPDh is still taking his meds and going to therapy. he likes to come home from his sessions now and proclaim that the doctor says he is not "mentally ill" and "doesn't have BPD". whatever. he has all of the symptoms, some more mild than others. i think he has done a pretty good job of putting on a show for the doctor. he is only BPD with me, the rest of the world doesn't get to see it.  but somehow he thinks i should be happy? like this makes it better? but really, it is just far far worse. that means you've treated me wretchedly for over a decade with no real good reason other than you are a rotten monster. and it was within his power to change and treat me like a human being, yet he chose not to. and this is better than being sick? i wasted my empathy and patience on this person. so freaking ridiculous.

i have not wavered in my stance that it is over for me and that i am only here until it is the right time for all of us to split. but after 6 months he is still not hearing me. or processing this. or in total frickin denial, because he just keeps trying to win my attention back. he'd begged me to go to a couples therapist for a few months. i finally went to get him off my back. we spent the first 40 minutes doing what everyone does - yelling and finger pointing. i finally had enough and just had to get real. i looked at him, tears streaming down my face, and said, "I spent the last decade trying to make myself into the woman you said you wanted, and it always failed. but i never once stopped to ask myself if YOU were what i wanted. and i finally did. and the answer was a huge resounding NO! I DON'T want you. I would rather be lonely for the rest of my life than be in a relationship with you."

he sobbed hysterically. i felt very sad for him, because i know how that feels to hear. the t, who had JUST met us, was a little uncomfortable. but she looked at him and said "the problem is here, J, that i don't think you are going to get what you want." she offered to be my t, since i didn't have one and we'll save the couples counseling for when we're ready to talk divorce negotiations and handling the kids.

that evening he came home, and i was waiting for the roof to blow off, but he was all like "heeeey" sweet and crap like NOTHING HAPPENED! WOW, what am I going to have to do to convince him I mean it? What a basket case! talk about denial!

anyhow. I run into a mutual acquaintance this AM and we're talking and I start to open up to her about this for the first time. And she says she is not surprised. That he is very inappropriate with women - always putting feelers out. And apparently he reported to another mutual friend that he has received sexual favors from other people as compensation. (he does side work, and also was a landlord in a bad part of town and had known prostitutes living in his building). she of course didn't have any specifics, and this was obviously a while ago.

i think the earth shook a bit when i heard that. i had long suspected, but to hear someone else say it to me... .

the gall. the cheek of it! after a decade of accusing me of having affairs with everyone but the kitchen sink, though i never have nor would! all the years of going to church and being active in the ministry, and attending bible studies. all that... . GARBAGE! LIES! and the worst of it is that there is no way to confirm this. i could show him pictures of him in the act and he'd say it was a trick of the light. because he CAN'T be wrong. it can't be his fault! he can't be a bad guy! and so this is it. i'll spend the rest of my life wondering who and when and how often and what he exposed me to.

the big pi$ser is that i have had an unexplained health problem for the last year, been to doctor after doctor, had every test imaginable, been cut open for diagnostic surgery, and it remains a mystery. and the ONE set of tests i refused every time it was suggested, was std testing. because no one has touched me besides my husband and doctor in 13 years! why would i need an std test? so i am scheduling an apt on monday. and if i find out i have something... . i think my head will blow clean off my body.