First visit since finding out BPD

[whippoorwill]

So, about five weeks ago, my MIL went a bit nuts when I tried to talk to her about my hurt feelings (I was asserting boundaries) regarding the fact that over the last 3 years, our parental wishes for our small child have been slowly gnawed away at. (I didn't phrase it quite that way LOL.) DH and I found out at our first therapy session, through the description of her behavior before, during, and after the falling-out, that she is most likely BPD. We firmly believe this to be true-- everything fits, including the abuse that she sustained that we know about. My FIL is but a shadow of her now-- he is as mentally ill as she is, possibly worse since he just goes along with her and has nothing but her and his OCD and anxiety to keep him company.

So, these people have been a part of our lives twice a week for the last 3 1/2 years. We have not seen them in five weeks, and tomorrow, we are about to try a supervised visit with them and our child at my BIL /SIL's house. I am totally not wanting this to happen, but DH caved in to her a few weeks ago and told her everything that was on his mind and assumed that he could negotiate for her to behave herself and that way she could see her grandchild (and thus, stop putting on the pressure on DH). This agreement was made when I was not aware that it was being made.

Since then, we established in therapy that neither of us would make decisions without consulting the other person first. I was relieved that DH listened to my concerns and agreed fully with that. However, I'm now stuck taking my child to visit with them, which was REALLY hard for me to accept without feeling that I might vomit. (I've had two weeks to think about it.) Right now, I'm trying to see this as an opportunity. For one thing, everything could go smoothly. But that is very doubtful, since the MIL and FIL have been in full panic mode over the last 5 weeks, even threatening to get a lawyer after DH had set this meeting up. (They think they will get grandparents visitation rights if we decide NC.) So, I also see this as an opportunity to record (with my phone) whatever ridiculous crap goes down and just hope that my child isn't harmed too much by it, then have evidence for NC.

Still VERY nervous about tomorrow.

[whippoorwill]

Well, the meeting went well, all things considered. The best I was hoping for was to not have a dysfunctional emotional episode in front of my child. The BPD MIL was on her best behavior, which was sadly funny. She told me that I should just tell her if there is something wrong. ! That is precisely what made her turn into Mr. Hyde. I only answered, "I did try." I'm sure that in her mind, it meant that I tried and failed. She says she doesn't remember anything of our "conversation." And that she figured out what happened-- that I was upset with them because they were doing things with our child that I wanted to do with her. Yeah... . I'm so jealous that they sit in their basement condo or take her to Wendy's. I wish I could do those things with her. LOL. And, of course there is more-- LOTS more. But, I did all my homework and I knew this would be the best case scenario. So I was able to swallow my pride and emotions and see her for what she is-- a sick, elderly child who lives in an alternate state of reality.

I was afraid there would be an episode when we left and she asked, "when can we see _______ next?" Since they were on a twice a week visitation schedule (that was slowly killing me), I expected this question. DH and I have discussed this and as much as I want to say, "NEVER," we will compromise to probably every-other week. We talked about whether or not we were going to tell MIL this tonight, and we decided that we would try to evade answering her in person in case it would trigger her. So, we were able to give a general excuse that we would call her. I expect that she will begin calling DH again in a few days to try to "coax" (put him in FOG) him into caving into her demands. I think it would be best to let her know on the phone that we will allow every other week supervised visits-- take it or leave it.

As I said, I did my homework. I expect that she was on her best behavior tonight because she realized that she needed to win us over so she could be back to her usual boundary-busting ways with our child. But I feel so much better now that we have reached this juncture. It's taken almost a month and a half and three therapy sessions to feel that we have some control back (from the time of the falling-out and then finding out about BPD). DH and I discussed how this is always going to be an issue as long as she is in our lives/alive. It still boggles my mind how poor DH wasn't really aware of the severity of his own mother. It's so amazing, and so scary how the human mind works.

[Kwamina]

Hi whippoorwill  

Thanks for sharing this. I can definitely see why you were so anxious about this meeting with your MIL. Sounds like she put on the BPD mask because she realized it was serious now. How is the situation now? Have you guys told her that you will allow her to see her grandchild every other week and if so, how did she react?

It still boggles my mind how poor DH wasn't really aware of the severity of his own mother. It's so amazing, and so scary how the human mind works.

I might be able to give you some insight into why your husband wasn't fully aware of the severity of what is wrong with his mother. I was raised by an uBPD mother myself and when the BPD reality is all you know while growing up, it's very hard to fully realize just how wrong her behavior is. As an 'outsider' looking in who has had a different experience growing up, it sometimes is much easier to identify certain dysfunctional patterns because you know how different things can be. Children of BPD parents often don't have this outside-in perspective, they might not like the way they are treated yet this treatment is all they know.

[AsianSon]

I might be able to give you some insight into why your husband wasn't fully aware of the severity of what is wrong with his mother. I was raised by an uBPD mother myself and when the BPD reality is all you know while growing up, it's very hard to fully realize just how wrong her behavior is. As an 'outsider' looking in who has had a different experience growing up, it sometimes is much easier to identify certain dysfunctional patterns because you know how different things can be. Children of BPD parents often don't have this outside-in perspective, they might not like the way they are treated yet this treatment is all they know.

Hi whippoorwill,

I completely agree with this.  As another child of a BPDm, it was always easier to rationalize everything away because otherwise, your life (as a child) wasn't "normal."  Additionally, there could have been family tradition or cultural traditions that played a role.  A simple example is how some families and cultures have frequent use of guilt by mothers, which is seen as the "norm." 

And if your BPDmil "split positive" toward your husband during his childhood, or the BPD behavior wasn't as bad during your husband's childhood, the current situation might seem like a reversal of gravity to your husband.  He can understand it, and maybe even recognize it when it is pointed out, but might have no ability to accept it or to take action.   

I am one of 4 children from my BPDm.  There are more than 4 reactions to her behaviors.  I have communicated my BPD conclusion and reasoning to two of them.  One isn't interested and the other is consumed by confusion and depression that I think is caused by my BPDm.  I'm trying to figure out how I can help there. 

[P.F.Change]

Since then, we established in therapy that neither of us would make decisions without consulting the other person first.

This is good. 

I am glad the visit went relatively well and that you are feeling better. TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth can be a very good tool for communicating boundaries. Is your DH probably going to be the one who tells her about the new visiting schedule? Is he anxious about that?

Wishing you peace,

PF