smarter. More Sharp and Better observer Now.

[Tolou]

Through everything that took place, I find myself moving forward towards healthier relationships, in all areas of my life. I see things more clearly than I did before, maybe it's because I've just begun to open my eyes. I am a little more quiet, though I always have been, but just a little more reserved.

No lies, her memory is still with me, if not, I don't believe that I would be on these boards for this length of time. I'm smarter because I know more of myself now, what I want, what I need and desire.  What I will accept and wont, what I will tolerate and what I will not, I have boundaries. I'm more sharp because I see things through a different lens, not that cloudy one I was looking through before.  I'm a better observer because I don't ignore my instincts or the "redflags" , with anyone.  Not my co-workers, not family, not friends, and not my partner.  I say NO more to people, and don't allow myself to feel guilty over, if I can't do something for someone, or it doesn't work for me, then NO! I don't know the answers to everything, nor do I believe I ever will, or that I am suppose to.  I don't need the validation of another to tell me what I know, because I am rational and with good intent.  Just because someone has labeled me something in their mind or among there followers, doesn't make me that. No way!

I let go of the anger, I really don't think the anger was for my exBPDgf, it was anger for what I could have had, thought I had, but had to let go because it wasn't that.  I spent too much time thinking and ruminating over what I could of done differently, or how I could have helped.  Now, I see that I did what was right, and that's why it hurt. I'm not used to walking away from someone in need, but the day I walked away from her, I didn't realize, I walked to myself, and helped me, when no one else was there, I was there for me. It took me a long time to see that for what it was, I saved myself from that dispair that was becoming my life.

I've said it before:

Sometimes were used to associating bad feelings with, "I did something wrong", because it feels bad.  But the reality is, sometimes, when we do the right things, and make the right choices (the healthy choice), it's hurts, and we confuse the feeling and associate them with... . I hurt, so something was wrong, I did something bad... . But no, doing the right thing hurts too sometimes, and that is okay. It's called Growing.

[heartandwhole]

Great post, Tolou.  I really like the way you describe growing pains.  When we say yes to something new, we often have to say no to the alternative, and that can feel like a loss.  I'm glad you are finding yourself changing for the better as you move through your detachment.

I have noticed changes in my behavior and feelings toward others, too.  I spot red flags very quickly– in myself as well.    In some ways, I feel more guarded, but in others, much freer to be myself.  The learning keeps on going, and I suspect it will never stop.  That's okay with me.

You were there for yourself and "saved" yourself.  That is huge, and something that so many of us strive to learn, so thank you for sharing. I think it was Byron Katie who said something like, "A YES to you is a YES to me, and a NO to you is a YES to me, too."  Taking care of ourselves is never the wrong choice.

Great work 

heartandwhole

[Sunny Side]

This is great, Tolou.  In many ways being in a disordered relationship is like living with a terribly bad, never-ending cold.  Once it's cleared and you can breathe normally suddenly things around you don't sound, smell or feel the same.  It's the newfound clarity of feeling sound and yes it can feel scary but not half as terrifying as the idea of permanently losing your self.  Congrats on your continued healing, Tolou.

[Tolou]

Hearthandwhole- thank you for your comments, and I agree with your post, it's all part of growing.

Sunny-great analogy with the cold, when it begins to clear, then finally does, you can even breath better!