What was your process / What worked for you ?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

A lot of you have given me guidance that I have needed.  At times I'm thinking at the moment I'm the one with a problem with my emotional control. 

At the moment I want to do everything I can to fix something outside of my control.  Doesn't matter how much I read, how much I process what has happened in the past and understand the abuse I want to try and fix it.  Emotionally I cant stop that feeling of giving up not on the r/s but all the plans I had around the r/s.  That stuff along with the r/s was very real to me. 

I then have (its getting more vocal) the logical side that is starting to get some traction.   Its yelling at me to pull my head out of my arse, you cant change her only yourself and what you will accept.

Logic has been 'winning' so to speak for the last 2 days, I asked different people about confronting her with my new knowledge and got a hard dose of the truth.   No point all I was doing was continuing the abuse cycle by giving her amunition, millions of reasons against doing this. 

Well, today I had a great day with my son, couldn't have been more perfect.  Then when dropping him off the udxBPXex turned on the charm and hit me with a surprise.   This shouldn't have been a surprise to me, but it was ... .

Nice and polite about it... .   me I stayed to my script.  Please put it in a e-mail.  She didn't answer the question,  I repeated it, she got angry and said not now I can't, tomorrow if I remember.  I repeated the question a 3rd time and she said yes ill do it tomorrow.  Fuming, steam coming out of her ears... .

I said Thankyou and walked off.  I knew what had just happened and I still took the bloody bait. 

I got angry as I walked off and then really pissed off as she had done it again to me, I didn't raise my voice she did but she controlled the situation to make my awesome day end ___. 

Then emotion came through when I got to the car and I felt guilty as I can see how I contributed, provoking the situation. 

"If I didn't do that we wouldn't be in this situation... . "  it's partly my fault thinking.  I can still fix it!  EMOTIONAL VOICE SCREAMING YOU CAN DO IT!

I'm back to reality now and know that if not this it would have been something else.  She always kept escalating, when I set a boundary as simple as put it in a e-mail its sets her off now. 





QUESTION:

What worked for you? 

What was your process (emotionally and coming to grips with the situation) when unable to do n/c due to kids? 

The more I'm reading the more I'm understanding,  practical examples I find are a lot easier to put into practice for me than theory.  What are some of your experiences or examples if you don't mind sharing. 

[Aussie JJ]

Hi all,

A lot of you have given me guidance that I have needed.  At times I'm thinking at the moment I'm the one with a problem with my emotional control. 

At the moment I want to do everything I can to fix something outside of my control.  Doesn't matter how much I read, how much I process what has happened in the past and understand the abuse I want to try and fix it.  Emotionally I cant stop that feeling of giving up not on the r/s but all the plans I had around the r/s.  That stuff along with the r/s was very real to me. 

I then have (its getting more vocal) the logical side that is starting to get some traction.   Its yelling at me to pull my head out of my arse, you cant change her only yourself and what you will accept.

Logic has been 'winning' so to speak for the last 2 days, I asked different people about confronting her with my new knowledge and got a hard dose of the truth.   No point all I was doing was continuing the abuse cycle by giving her amunition, millions of reasons against doing this. 

Well, today I had a great day with my son, couldn't have been more perfect.  Then when dropping him off the udxBPXex turned on the charm and hit me with a surprise.   This shouldn't have been a surprise to me, but it was ... .

Nice and polite about it... .   me I stayed to my script.  Please put it in a e-mail.  She didn't answer the question,  I repeated it, she got angry and said not now I can't, tomorrow if I remember.  I repeated the question a 3rd time and she said yes ill do it tomorrow.  Fuming, steam coming out of her ears... .

I said Thankyou and walked off.  I knew what had just happened and I still took the bloody bait. 

I got angry as I walked off and then really pissed off as she had done it again to me, I didn't raise my voice she did but she controlled the situation to make my awesome day end ___. 

Then emotion came through when I got to the car and I felt guilty as I can see how I contributed, provoking the situation. 

"If I didn't do that we wouldn't be in this situation... . "  it's partly my fault thinking.  I can still fix it!  EMOTIONAL VOICE SCREAMING YOU CAN DO IT!

I'm back to reality now and know that if not this it would have been something else.  She always kept escalating, when I set a boundary as simple as put it in a e-mail its sets her off now. 





QUESTION:

What worked for you? 

What was your process (emotionally and coming to grips with the situation) when unable to do n/c due to kids? 

The more I'm reading the more I'm understanding,  practical examples I find are a lot easier to put into practice for me than theory.  What are some of your experiences or examples if you don't mind sharing. 

[AwakenedOne]

Hi Aussie JJ,  

My ex and I didn't have kids so I can't answer your question but I will attempt to give some advice instead.

Glad you had a nice time with your son. That's the most important thing. Seems like you did ok in dealing with her. You didn't raise your voice.

When you know you have to talk to her and go there to see your son prepare ahead of the visit for the different scenarios that might happen so you can act cool and deal with her on anything.

Have a plan/goal of what you will do if -> she gets mad or tries to argue with you what your reaction is going to be.

Maybe just be a calm smiling friendly robot that says "hello nice weather we been having" and leave the moment your business is taken care of. If she argues just say "I hear what your saying on that but I respectively disagree" or whatever similar etc... . Once you drive a block down the road after the visit then you could be mad and scream she's the devil.

Have a plan/goal of what you will do if -> she turns on the love charm how you will deal with this.



AO

[phantom17]

Same boat in that I don't have kids with my ex, but this is the process I went through:

1) Read as much as I could about BPD

2) Found an article about the waif that read as if I had written it through my experiences - literally had a what the heck moment after reading this article. ( is an awesome resource)

3) Made a list of everything I could think of concerning her odd controlling behavior dating back to the first few weeks of the relationship

4) Booked an appointment with a therapist to make sure I wasn't going nuts.

5) Discussed everything in my list with the therapist and she asked what I thought was going on. Told her I think it's BPD. She agreed, rolled her eyes, told me I wasn't crazy and to forget about the ex as fast as I could. Actually told me that she refuses to take on a person with BPD as a client, because of the roller coasters. She also said there is no fixing them unless they accept the problem and willingly go through years of treatment in which most cases fail.

6) Went back and combed through my list and compared her behaviors to what I've read on here and on  to cement it in my mind she's got the disorder.

7) everytime I began to miss her, I'd simply read through my list. I wouldn't get 1/4th of the way through before I'd be glad I wasn't with her anymore 

repeat #7 as needed.


I still got anxious when there'd be even a remote possibility that I'd run into her, but what helped the most is when I did actually run into her, I'd feel relief at the thought that i did not have to go home with her and get interrogated for looking in the direction of another woman (attractive or not).

Pretty much what this process boils down to is figuring out which type of BPD I was dealing with, confirming that it is spot on via her past behavior & her current behavior, then reminding myself of what it was like when ___ was bad (which was 75% of the time).

Hope that helps.

[phantom17]

One other thing that I forgot to mention that I believe is important is that there is a very high chance that you/we are not the first person our ex's have treated badly. We were just next in line. Her behavior was the same toward all the guys before me (she readily admitted), and will continue on with all her relationships after me. There's no breaking the cycle.

It's something my therapist told me and I think I read it on here and other places as well.

At any rate, anytime I think she's all happy and ___ by moving on to some new dude (who she's now married to), I just keep in mind that not only is she not happy, but the new guy is now living my past misery.

Sucks for him, but it helps me sleep at night.

[Aussie JJ]

This is sort of a bump.  I don't know everyone else's experiences but I have been doing fantastic and had a set back today.  Took me a couple hours to get over it emotionally but it wasn't like previous occasions where I lost all control.  I understood it I just couldn't stop it. 

Background here is I spent $300 on amazon buying and express posting every book relevant to my situation and then some.  I made a promise to myself to read through them all and then process everything and try to make more sense of everything. 

It is horrible but I can see ( I hate this ) where I have lost sight of what was important to me along the side of the train wreck that has been the last 4 years.  I committed to a week (lasted 4 days) of absolutely NO thoughts of her and our past and no just concentrate on reconecting with old friends and activities I have stopped doing. 

Even reading books on everything im still letting her dictate my life... .   hence a break for a week. 

I knew this was going to be hard but I allowed myself to write in my journal if it got to much and then leave it and move on.  I stumbled a couple times and wrote a few brief lines.  Mostly with how ex had negative impact on a few activities and I stopped seeing people to please her.  As I went through this I got angry and started ruminating etc so I would write it down and try and forget about it and concentrate on the next thing infront of me not BPD or something that I cant control. 

Today I had my son and made an effort to just be 100% focused on him.  Screw me, experience everything for him and enjoy his happiness.  I have realised that me playing with him is a trigger for her, if I got home from work and played with him it ended with her raging.  I think its the fear of abandonment or attachment stuff, her issue not mine but it has effected me in the past where I know she has raged at me when near him so I always back off.  Today was soo awesome.  I didn't make any excusses, got up early went for a swim and a run for me.  Had the house clean and then spent the day with him having a ball.  I think it is some of the best time we have spent together as I just ignored all the BS and concentrated on him.   

Anyway, to start the day off she told me only important information was that he went on a pony ride the day before.  Like medical details that she refuses to provide are not important. 

Anyway, I moved on, couldn't care loved my time with him.  When dropping off however she was all doe eyed and polite.  I was robotic and calm, polite in my responses, said it was a great day and moved off.  Followed my 'script'. 

About 5 minutes later all the good memories come back and I'm going why cant I confront her any try to help her.  This isn't fair on my son blah blah blah.  I had planned a few hours sleep before a night shift but was not able to let go so went for a run.  Now I've got over the why cant I help, I can fix this etc that I was going through earlier. 

How the hell do I stop this happening though.  I had 4 days where I was able to control everything and in 5 minutes understand and process my pain and anger.  Today it was overwhelming. 

I have made a thing that I am not going to burden my family constantly with my emotions and work through it as best as I can.  Today was bloody awful, I'm feeling guilty for not trying to help, not trying to fix the situation.  Taking all the blame again, angry at myself for not trying to even fix the situation.  I can't understand how even with the knowledge I still revert to the beaten up trodden on emotional mess every so often. 

Now I've got the double whammy of working a 12 hour shift with no sleep before it as I was a train wreck and had to get it out of my system by going for a run.  I know the pattern and recognise it but I cant stop blaming myself for 'giving up' or forfilling her 'abandonment' fears. 

It sounds so stupid, its so illogical and I still revert to that thinking and accept all of the blame particulary now that I know her thought process. 

I don't think this is a coping strategy long term to keep having those god awful moments but I have been able to control the others up until today. 


P.S.

I know you have to lean on family and friends for support but I saw that where my boundarys had been eroded by her I had also taken away all of mine when I was ruminating.  Hence the decision to try and calm down myself before talking with others about it in a state... .   Got to have your own values and I lost a lot of that self sufficiency to deal with my own problems.  I don't blame others but I have never been like this with no clue as to how I can fox a problem and people telling me I cant and to not even try.  Sounds weird but I always can and will find the way to fix the problem and I'm having trouble here processing that I cant... .   thats a big issue for me to get into my noggin... .

[Aussie JJ]

Even posting that has allowed me to calm down.  I'm focusing on positives however I feel selfish for not trying to fix others (her) problems. 

I have to write it down sometimes to know that I cant go back there no matter how much I want to help / fix the problem it is her choice not mine. 

*not fun revisiting that place* 

I used to have that feeling constantly when I was first told about BPD and then blamed myself tried to find a way to fix it and went in constant circles.  It was horrible doing that constantly. 

[babyducks]

Hi Aussie JJ,

First I want to say I think you did a good job handling an emotionally charged situation.  Give yourself credit for your insights and efforts. 

I am a fixer too.   It's actually my day time job, to fix things and I am wickedly good at it.

I became an emotional caretaker in my r/s with my EX.  Which is pretty easy to do since pwBPD tend to push the people around them to conform to their needs, wants and demands.  It was also pretty easy for me to accept because I have a childhood template of being a fixer and a caretaker.

I actually like being a fixer and a caretaker, in moderation it gives me a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction.

However with my pwBPD, there was no way to put the brakes on my caretaking.   And we both ran to the rails with it.   I believe what was hard for me was this behavior, the caretaking, the fixing was how I lived my whole life and viewed the world.  To have ~it~ fail so dramatically, so catastrophically, rocked my world view right down to the core.   I felt like nothing made sense any more.

Like you my logical brain said "Whoa this is bad, stop"  but my emotional side really flailed and floundered trying to come up with different behavior that felt comfortable.

I am also in low contract with my EX, and not by my choice.

I developed two tricks that seemed to help a little.   In the early days after we split I used what I came to call the White House Press Conference mode of communicating.   Say very little, say it woodenly, say it over and over again.  I actually practiced a couple of 'wooden' responses in case of a crisis or emergency.  I knew that a crisis or emergency would soon be occurring since pwBPD live in conflict.

I wanted to be polite and respectful, I never initiated contact and when in contact I refused to engage in any emotional topics.  Wooden line number 3 was "I am not in a place to be able to discuss this right now."   

Trick number two came from the understanding that pwBPD can not tolerate differences.   My EX expected me to think like her, feel like her, share the same opinions.  When I had a different opinion I was attacked.

Margalis Fjelstad wrote

Merging into an amoeba like oneness is the only tolerable state for the BP and the one must be them.

I came to understand that I was fighting the merging.   I had a harder time with this one.  I did a lot of mental imagery, (pretending in my head to put on emotional armor), thought stopping and like you reading.

I noticed you said you bought $300 dollars of books.  I hope you bought "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - How to end the drama and get on with your life" by Margalis Fjelstad

Here is a another quote from the book that is particularly poignant for me.

Caretakers seem to be more emotionally over responsive to others than the average person.  You have either learned or you just innately respond to the pain of others and see yourself as responsible to take care of that pain.  Caretakers are people willing to put their own needs and wants on hold to help and or please others.   They have a tendency to feel hopeless and helpless when overwhelmed and have a great aversion to feeling or expressing anger.  They are especially prone to being manipulated by fear, obligation, and guilt whether coming from others or within yourself.

For me the break through moment was the understand that the feelings guilt were coming from within me and I could control them.  Not easily but I could.  I have the choice to indulge those feelings or to replace them with others.  To appreciate those feelings meant I was being true to myself.  I DID NOT have to act on those feelings any longer.

Hope this helps a little.  Take care of yourself.

'ducks

p.s.   Wooden Line number 6 was " I am not am amoeba.  I am not merging."   Usually I said this one only in my head.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Aussie JJ,

I commend you for really looking at this stuff.  As you say, it is very hard and feels very uncomfortable.  Having to communicate regularly with your ex while detaching is a real challenge, and you are doing well!   

Don't know if this will resonate with you, but the "fixer" identity may be a compensation for deeper fears about inadequacy.  Most of us avoid going there, it can be overwhelming to feel, but opening up to that tender place can dissolve some of the defenses that keep us stuck in "holding patterns" and repetition compulsions.

babyducks has given you some great advice, and if you haven't already seen this thread about FOG, I think it will be very helpful in your situation: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

heartandwhole 

[Aussie JJ]

The biggest problem I have with my script is when she changes her tactics, I don't have something prepared for her change or she gets angry when I give her the one line response.  I know its happening and then take the bait hook line and sinker, I am not 100% detached yet.  I managed to walk away from her smile and then essentially broke down in private today. 

Their is a problem and I don't have a fix.  It is a foreign feeling to me, makes me feel inadequate yes to an extent.  I haven't acknowledged that, or recognised it up until now. 

The fear is that this issue, will effect my relationship with my son adversely.   The obligation for me to do something about it, fix it!  The guilt compounds for me when I go back to the obligation and thinking I could have done XYZ differently and that would have fixed that problem and I wouldn't have anything to fear... .

The workshops I have to say are more helpful than a lot of the books with different perspectives from so many people their is something I can always relate to. 

I am really enjoying my knowledge about the problems and also learning a lot about myself.  Its amazing how ignorant I was about aspects of my personality.  Also how I have lost so much that I value, if I blame exBPD then I'm never going to fix my stuff. 

The part that I suppose hurts me the most is black/white thinking and never knowing where I stand.  I did read someone writting that they don't hate their ex but hate BPD, this helped me a lot as I don't hate her, I hate what BPD is making her do.  The actions she is taking towards me and in caring for our son to alienate me from him are what hurts me, not her but the BPD actions. 

I like what you said about choosing what your going to do ducks.  What I will feel and all of that jazz is ultimately my choice, I am trying to do that however times like earlier today it falls apart on me.  Not cool making me buy another book though! 

Alot of what I have got has been on communication, so I can avoid the conflict and about effects on children of BPD mothers.  The thing with communication is she used all of the techniques on me but to manipulate or degrade and erode my resistance, having that knowledge caused me a lot of grief.  If I start using them she will pick straight away, she isn't a silly cookie, I will have to pick one communication technique and stick with it with her and practice the others elsewhere to perfect them.