Mother's day craziness

[zubizou87]

So yesterday I got an e-mail from my mother thanking me for the beautiful tulips I sent her for mother's day which was signed from me and my little sister.

Here's the thing... I didn't send my mother flowers for mother's day, I forgot and wouldn't have sent her a present anyway.

I don't feel at all guilty about this, I gave her a very nice Christmas and Birthday present both of which she acted like a petulant child about getting. I was really irritated about the Birthday present because I had put together a thoughtful care package which included some expensive confectionery. She snatched the gift out of my hands and started ravaging though it like a child. I didn't mind this as I know she was excited but i felt really hurt when my child sister asked her if she could try one of the sweets in her mum's present. To which my mother responded 'no it's mummy's birthday present!'

I felt really remorseful about this as I had considered giving the sweets to my sister and then at the last minute decided to give it to my mum as part of her gift. It really hurt my feelings watching my middle aged mother tormenting my little sister by not sharing her birthday sweets with her and enjoying the control she had over her.

Anyway is anyone else made to feel guilty about forgetting mother's day?

Personally I think two presents a year is enough... . besides she's forgotten my birthday a few times.

[DreamGirl]

I think it's important to have our own values in this stuff. I often tell people not to base our own behavior on another's behavior. I get the pwBPD in my life a mother's day card, because I always have. It's not really something I've deemed that she "deserves" as much as it's a small token from me to her that I recognize her in that kind of role.

What have you done in the past when it comes to Mother's Day?

Is this about your not valuing the holiday? Or not feeling the desire to give her recognition? Much less a present?

Could it be done with a simple card rather then a gift? Maybe just an email? A phone call? 

[Cassy]

I dread Mother's Day. I have three children of my own and I resent not being able to enjoy my family because my own mother is hanging over my head.

My entire life there was no celebration with my mother. I would give her a gift that she may or may not acknowledge, but the "big day" usually meant she would go to the Legion with her own mother (actually, my grandfather took us all to dinner once or twice), but I was definitely not part of the Mother's Day equation because they would get loaded drunk and start fights. It was all about my mother hijacking her mother so her sister's couldn't have her (insane jealousy).

After my grandmother died my mother would join us, but cause nothing but drama and stress and then she'd take off immediately following the meal to get drunk (it's not a real occasion in her mind unless you can't walk straight). I send gifts, she doesn't even say thank you. I called one year to say Happy Mother's Day and she told me to stop doing that because her friend (some guy she gets drunk with and his cousin) promised to "be her daughter" and take her out for breakfast every Mother's Day. News to me that she ever woke up before 1 in the afternoon, but okay.

So, now I get the passive aggressive vague booking, which I'll live with.

[rebl.brown]

WOW for years Mother's Day was a nightmare.  I started trying to appease the witch queen for a long long time.   When I finally went NC I couldn't stand mother's day,  I would not let my children even mention it much less give me a gift.  To this day I tell them, if you want to call ok but don't mention the holiday and don't even send a card.  They are very understanding.  Speaking from years of experience with this mother's day is the ultimate BPD mother's dream, guilt, gifts and attention all legitimized by Hallmark. 

Sorry if I sound so cynical, do whatever you have to to get through the stupid day and know BPD are so irrational, mine were on all holidays but "mother's day" was especially excruciating.  I didn't help you much, this was a total selfish vent.

I freakin HATE Mother f-er day.  (laughing at myself)

Peace

[Erells93]

Mother's Day is the worst in my family. My mother will stack up all her presents and literally say who her favorite person is this year based on the gift. I totally understand what you're saying. This year I'm just pretending it doesn't exist.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Mother's Day... . wow... . excruciatingly searching each year for a gift that was different or something she said she'd seen and would just love... . get it, either deliver in person or mail... . lots of thought put into handwritten messages in a card with it... .

Only to be belittled for spending too much, or what is she supposed to do with THAT? (usually the item she'd sworn she'd love to possess), anyway you know what I am getting it... . never good enough, never right, never appreciated.

A few years before my eternal NC, I stopped sending cards that said Happy Mother's Day. Cold turkey. She would mention that she got something from another sibling, silence on my end... .

That was sort of the slippery slope to realizing I needed to do my entire life that way concerning her - done, over and out, finito.

She pushed me over the edge one time too many and that preparation was already there, the idea, "Hey, enough of this, woman, no one else would get away with this abuse like yours, we're done here."

The bottom line was she never believed me when I actually got fed up enough to tell her she was getting close. And I only said it maybe twice. She really thought I was that stupid I guess.

But then again, she had decades of me not just going along with her but defending her to others. What was there to believe except my codependent stuff and sometimes it just takes us being shoved hard one time too many to break the chains and say, "Hell no, not one more minute."

So yes, me, too, even with gorgeous kids of my own it is hard to see all the Mother's and Father's Day (he's a schmuck, almost 90 now) signs and cards and stuff.  Just look at it like all that advertising is about aliens who live on Mars - you know people with NORMAL families ... . and who really has normal loving families? I can count the ones I've encountered on like... . 2 fingers.   

so it's a natural response to feel disgust and dismay with the barrage of reminders this time of year.

Screw it is usually my inner thought.     

[G.J.]

This thread is great.  Having been NC with my uBPDm for 11 years now, I had almost forgotten about this awful holiday!

The worst part for me, was trying to find a card that wasn't dripping with mushy gushy stuff that both she and I knew I would never say or feel.  Having to pretend that I was grateful for all she had done for me -- or even grateful for her existence in my life or on this planet -- was really an exercise in abuse, in and of itself.  So I always opted for the "funny" cards, that really had very little to do with Mother's Day.

I don't recall her having tirades over whatever I got her for Mother's Day (that's not to say it didn't happen though) but an incident on her birthday was what caused me to go NC for the rest of eternity.

I had gotten a new job and had to go out of state for training.  I would have no transportation, and would be extremely stressed out and bogged down with work.  There was a LOT of testing involved, and if I didn't pass, it would destroy everything I had been working for for the last 15 years.  I told her not to expect to hear much from me, and to please respect my need for some space.

About a month into training, with great horror and fear, I realized that I was still going to be away over her birthday.  In a panic, in the middle of a blizzard, I walked a mile to a grocery store, just to get her a birthday card.  I wanted to get her a gift, but had no way of getting postage for it.  So I wrote this nice note saying I was so sorry I wasn't there to celebrate with her and that I'd make it up to her when I got back.

On the day of her birthday, I called her at work, but she didn't answer (which was unusual).  So I called her at home, figuring she had taken the day off, but there was no answer.  So I left her a voicemail wishing her a happy birthday and that I was sorry that I missed her, but I wouldn't be around a phone for the rest of the day, but would speak with her soon.

That night I got woken up at 2am with a phone call from her, RAGING at me for "purposefully" calling her at home when I "knew" she would be at work, just so I didn't have to talk to her.  (I only wish I were that clever  )  That I was an ungrateful shrew (ok, she used a different word) for only sending her a crappy card for her birthday and she deserved a lot more than that.

After I hung up, I was just DONE.  Things like this had happened so many times over the years, and I realized that her hurt feelings over "only" getting a card and a voicemail while I was out of state, were FAR more important to her than my entire CAREER.  That's when it registered with me that this woman would destroy my life if I let her.

To this day, she claims she has no idea why I stopped speaking to her.   

[P.F.Change]

Please keep in mind the policies for this board:

This is a place to find solutions.  Please do not use this board as a place to complain about your relative without seeking constructive relationship advice.



The work on this board is about taking charge of our own behaviors. To do this, it is important that we move beyond co-rumination and injury submersion. We've been abused as kids--that's a given. It is also a given that our relatives with the disorder will still be hurtful, annoying, frustrating, confusing, and at times even infuriating. The difference now is that we are adults, too. We are no longer helpless victims. We are survivors who can look at our own behavior and work to find solutions.

In abuse recovery, it is appropriate to share memories that surface and describe the feelings associated with the abuse. It is equally important to keep the recovery process in mind during this time without becoming consumed in our childhood ruminations or keeping others stuck by co-ruminating with them. This is a place to encourage each others to see it, grieve it, and step above it--to grow and to heal.