You will get better

[bruised]

Hi,

I’ve been lurking on this forum for about 6 months. I’ve been reading about some of your struggles with your BPD partners and just knowing there are others facing similar issues has given me enormous strength.

My story:

I was in an intense emotional relationship with a woman I believe has BPD. As we never lived together I can’t be sure, but she shows enough BPD traits to make me pretty certain she is.  While I was physically attracted to her, the relationship was never physical. In the end, I guess it doesn’t matter whether she is actually BPD or not. The fact is, she is damaged inside and her emotional dysregulation caused me enormous heartache.

I’ve known her for a couple of years and I liked her from the start. After a while I realised I had a crush on her. I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since and she’s been in the driver’s seat. Eventually I fell in love with her (or at least I thought I did) and she couldn’t handle that. She told me that me being in love with her made her feel bad! That revelation left me shocked and saddened. What kind of person feels bad because someone is in love with them?

Despite her stated discomfort with my feelings for her, it was almost always her that would contact me. I rarely contacted her. Not because I was a bad friend- that’s just the way she preferred it. We talked regularly, but it was almost always about her problems. She’s in her forties but has NO close female friends. That’s where I came in- she used me as a therapist. I think one of the reasons she latched onto me was because I have lots of friends. She was new to the area and maybe she saw me as a conduit to my social group? I was physically attracted to, and in love (infatuated?) with, someone who didn’t really care about me. It’s a bitter pill to swallow.

She is very sexy and she would sometimes flirt with me. She would also play me off against two other male friends in our social group. I hated it, but the attention flattered my ego. I foolishly thought this was OK because she was giving me more attention than them. God, I handed this woman my dignity. I wish I’d never met her. There were so many red flags- flirtatious, seductive, attention-seeking, low self-esteem, self-loathing, volatile emotions, manipulation, testing my ‘devotion’ with unreasonable demands, alcohol problem (but not an alcoholic), panic attacks and depression. Some of these attributes I observed; some she admitted to me.

A few months ago she played me off against one of our mutual friends again and I decided “enough”. I cut her off. I stopped replying to her texts and calls. At social events I completely ignored her. I know this hurt her badly because her physical appearance deteriorated around that time. I suppose that was the BPD abandonment thing. I felt guilty, but I HAD to stay strong or I would be back into the maelstrom. I hate to admit it, but it felt good to be hurting her for a change. I’m not proud of this, but it’s true.

Since then I’ve been slowly getting better, but occasionally those old feelings of affection would come back and I would find myself fantasizing about kissing her. She is beautiful and she really got a hook into me.

Last week she sent me an email about something trivial. The next day she sent me a text about the same issue. Both were very matter-of-fact. No x’s or smiley faces this time around. This is the first time she’s reached out to me in months. In the past I would have been elated to see her name pop-up on my phone. This time I felt nothing. A few days later she called me about a related matter. I answered the call and I was very friendly to her, but I kept it light and I didn’t ask her how she was feeling- I didn’t want to go there. It was nice to hear her voice and I felt a brief afterglow - but it didn’t last long.

The email, followed by the text, was clearly a buildup to the call. I’m sure she was testing the waters to be certain I wouldn’t block the call and trigger her abandonment fears all over again. I assume the point of all this was for her to feel we are still friends (or at least ‘friendly’).

I’m pretty sure I’ve turned the corner. Yesterday morning I woke at 4:30am with a huge feeling of relief. My breathing was slow and deep and I was actually smiling in bed. It was almost transcendental. I haven’t felt his good since well before getting involved with this woman. The odd thing is; nothing has happened to bring about this feeling. It just happened. That’s the main thing I wanted to share with those of you going through the aftermath of a relationship with a BPD. Your brain needs time to process all the emotions and craziness. Eventually it says “enough” and you move on. I don’t hate her and I certainly don’t love her now. I’m not even sure I like her. And it doesn’t really matter to me any more. I can feel my emotional strength coming back and it’s a wonderful feeling.

I’ve read some of your stories and they are FAR worse than what I went through. Some of you have been through hell. Your healing will probably take longer than mine and you may need professional help. But you WILL get better!

Good luck to you all.

P.S. I can’t avoid this woman- we are in the same social circle. She is completely erratic, so I may need to seek your advice about how to handle the odd ‘situation’ that may arise. I’ll be back!

[Ihope2]

Thank you for this, Bruised. 

Yes, people with BPD seem to have such an intensity to them, such an aura at first.  I know I was instantly attracted to my soon to be exBPDh.  I have never been attracted to loud, busy and boisterous individuals. He was quiet and intense and appeared very deep.  He seemed to give much thought to things.  And what hooked me was that he did not seem afraid to admit to his emotions.  That he cries over things.  Many men would not admit to such perceived "weakness" openly.  He seemed to have such a sensitivity about him.

My downfall is that I googled information about him before we met for the second time.  He had submitted some poetry to a writers' website and I found and read three of his poems, and the words seem to reach into the very depths of my being.  Hauntingly sad and beautiful.

Well, little did I realise that with this intensity comes distorted thinking, emotional dysregulation, silent raging, moodiness, emotional abuse, shame, guilt, hatred, self-hatred, emptiness, perpetual loneliness no matter how much you try to connect with him, feelings of entitlement, paranoia, a death-wish, self-harming behaviour, resentment, revenge and punishment seeking behaviours, etc.

His poetry was like a precursor of the words and diatribes I would be subjected to from him during our relationship.  Words that sound deep and meaningful and even loving and yearning for human connection and warmth, but in the way they are said, they are used to blame and punish me for wanting to love him!  There is never not ambiguity and clouded communication. So much smoke and mirrors and nothing is as it seems.  And the net result is:  I did not feel loved and cherished and appreciated.  I felt like he was turning me into his biggest enemy of all time.  He was punishing me every day for wanting to love him.

BPD is the most tragic of mental illnesses.  You hear these beautiful words from the person, but over time you realise that their thoughts, feelings and actions do not match their words at all.  You are left at a complete loss as to what to believe... . you manage to fool yourself and convince yourself for some of the time that their words are the truth of them, but sadly, that starts wearing thin after a while... . and then you are left with the painful realisation that the words really do not mean anything much.  They are a smokescreen behind which the person with BPD hides their broken self.

[bruised]

There is never not ambiguity and clouded communication... .

I agree Ihope. Sometimes I had absolutely NO IDEA what my friend was trying toll me. I don't believe she was being deliberately cryptic. I believe her disordered thinking made it very difficult for her to verbalise what she wanted from me.

[Split black]

I’m pretty sure I’ve turned the corner. Yesterday morning I woke at 4:30am with a huge feeling of relief. My breathing was slow and deep and I was actually smiling in bed. It was almost transcendental. I haven’t felt his good since well before getting involved with this woman. The odd thing is; nothing has happened to bring about this feeling. It just happened.  Your brain needs time to process all the emotions and craziness. Eventually it says “enough” and you move on.

Good luck to you all.

I cant say that this feeling of relief I have came about because nothing happened. Just the opposite. So much utter malignant evil happened that ultimately the brain signals ok... . enough. And a switch just goes off. At least that how is was for me.

If I think about her at all its just to shake my head in a kind of disbelief. But its more like awaking from a coma or a trance where you see yourself and feel this pain... but then its over. Indifference. Not sure I believe it myself. But it is real. Im just back to doing the things I did before I met her... . and enjoying the things that I did before she consumed so much of my mental energy.

[bruised]

Hi SplitBlack,

What I meant was no specific event triggered my "recovery". I agree with you, it's the accumulation of a lot of hurt that causes the brain to eventually disengage. My friend doesn't make it into the "evil" category, just "nasty" at times.

I think I have also reached "indifference". I'll know after I see her on the weekend (can't avoid it unfortunately).

Like you, I've also resumed hobbies I had given up on. I was spending so much time on the internet trying to understand what was going on, I had little time for anything else. It consumed me. When I wasn't doing that, I was feeling too down to do anything productive. Thank God that's passed.

[Ihope2]

I think the term for it is "battle fatigue" or "riot fatigue".  It is a phenomenon, where an individual just cannot sustain the energy required to be in a conflict situation any more.  It is a gradual draining away of one's energy and resources, and eventually you just reach a point where you just implode and cannot carry on in that situation any more. So you are forced to remove yourself from it.

This is what happened to me too.  I cannot pinpoint any one reason or event, it has just been a culmination of weariness and fatigue and feeling despondent on my part.  The day I decided to file for divorce, I was also very ill in bed with flu.  Everything just collapsed in on me. 

[Narellan]

Thank you so much for your story. Especially the part about you turning the corner and waking up feeling happy. I'm getting better but still wake up crying over the loss of him and my ex best friend( they are now secretly talking behind my back and making play dates) I have to change lots in my life to get trough this, my whole social network and mutual friends are shared with my best friend so I have walked away from that. It's really hard but I feel like its the best thing for me to do. And I am NC with him my ex BPD. No doubt they talk about me being the crazy one. I read a post they sent to each other talking about how easily I fall for people, like I was a fool. Well better to be me with a big open loving heart than a lying cheating one that they both have. I took a lot of strength from your healing comments. Well done xx

[bruised]

Ihope2,

yes I think I had battle fatigue too.

Narellan,

I'm glad my post gave you hope. I feel for you having been cut off from your friends. That's one thing I still have. Do you have a friend outside the shared social group you can talk to? I have an old school friend who is outside the social group I share with my uBPD friend. I confided in him about what was going on, which helped enormously. I also went to a counsellor twice who was excellent. I think she could see right away what was going on and she gently steered my thinking in the right direction. She gave me some clarity, which I was sadly lacking in my infatuated state.

All the best.

[Narellan]

Yes I absolutely have lots of other friends and have spoken with a couple of concerned ones. I have support there, the only problem is the routine things I did with her, at least twice a week. I now have to ditch those. It's come to a head now because avoiding her hasn't worked. I was feeling harassed by her texts checking up on me all the time. Really she was wanting to know what I knew. If I had been told about her secret chats with my ex BPD. I had to be firm and blunt in the end and she's left me be for 24 hours. I think she'll turn up on my doorstep at some stage asking what's wrong and ill tell her straight our friendship is over without giving her a reason. I'm eliminating stress from my life, and she's my main stress. Two faced lying cheating b___. Ahhh that felt good