Mirroring? Perhaps an example

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Here are three examples of how my uBPDex changed her values around her social life.


Scenario 1

My ex was engaged to her last long-term relationship before me (2.5 years). I was not a replacement as they were in N/C for six months and still are to this day

She split some very long-time close friends because of him. "They got angry with me because I enjoyed spending time with him." He was not social and very jealous, but that was okay. They spent most of their time together alone. When they did socialize it was always awkward for him. She would not socialize without him because of his jealousy. In her mind, "They (her friends) couldn't understand that I cherished my time with him. My partner has to come first. If they can't accept that, well that shows their lack of character."

Scenario 2

“I was perfect” because I was very social. I got along with everyone. I am not the least bit jealous. So we had a great social life. All of her friends loved me. I met the friends she spit before and got along great with them. But I met them only once. There was too much damage over the spit she caused. I even got along with her close friend (fake name) Donald. He is an extremely muscle bound fellow who had a great heart and was emotionally open. She loved spending time with him and talking endlessly about feelings and such.”You are the only two men I know that are aware and articulate feelings.” I was never jealous of him, and encouraged her to talk with him. They would even go out for Sunday brunch together without me. It was all good. She was never attracted to his type and he was into women much younger than him. Secretly we both felt that he resembled Donald Duck a bit too much.

Senario 3

My replacement is a workaholic and has kids. Their time together is very scheduled. They never email or talk on the phone. Their texts are brief and usually to set up their next time together ( I explain why I know this on previous posts). She even told a mutual friend that she is beginning to understand why his wife cheated on him (devaluation early on). She now says, "I'm glad he spends Saturdays with his kids. This gives me time to have girls nights out." The only girlfriend she has to go out with was an old friend she painted black many times because this woman was not “trust-worthy.” “She is wild, flirty, and lies to her husband and goes out all the time behind his back.” Since we split my ex, her brother, this woman and Donald go out for “a night of shots and dancing” every other week. Last week my replacement went out with them. My ex did not do shots, he doesn’t dance, he would not speak to Donald and the two of them left very early. She is now planning “shots night” without my replacement knowing. She told one of our friends, “Well, I wouldn’t be comfortable if he was out doing shots and having women drive him home, but this is all in innocent fun.”


First of all, yes... . I have way to much information about my ex for being in N/C. All our friends were mutual. I have been working hard on detaching and have been doing well for less than two months on bpdfamily. For now this is helping me detach. It has to end. Ending this stream of information is my next big step.

It seems like her values change as she mirrors her partner. The partner before me was not social, so being social was not important to her, even to the extent that she lost a lot of friends. I am very social. We spent time alone or with her boys. But when we wanted to go out we went out together and had a great time with everyone. My replacement has interests that limit their time together (work and kids). She has changed her values (some deeply held values she expressed when we were together, like honesty and transparency) to fit her current r/s.

Knowing has been helpful in that I can clearly see BPD traits. It has help me see that it is the disorder that I no longer want to be with, not her. I can grieve her and focus my anger at the disorder. I never wanted to walk away hating her like every one of her exes.

It also keeps me from believing that our scenario was the healthiest. It certainly seems that way, but if she mirrors all of her partners, how can I say she was healthier with me? She was just mirroring me. Perhaps her values towards social life are more healthy in one of the other scenarios, or perhaps in a scenario to come once the current r/s collapses. More likely, she is just lost.

It helps knowing this to detach with the level empathy I once called was love.  She is a beautiful person caught up in a horrible disorder.

[Pecator]

Here are three examples of how my uBPDex changed her values around her social life.


Scenario 1

My ex was engaged to her last long-term relationship before me (2.5 years). I was not a replacement as they were in N/C for six months and still are to this day

She split some very long-time close friends because of him. "They got angry with me because I enjoyed spending time with him." He was not social and very jealous, but that was okay. They spent most of their time together alone. When they did socialize it was always awkward for him. She would not socialize without him because of his jealousy. In her mind, "They (her friends) couldn't understand that I cherished my time with him. My partner has to come first. If they can't accept that, well that shows their lack of character."

Scenario 2

“I was perfect” because I was very social. I got along with everyone. I am not the least bit jealous. So we had a great social life. All of her friends loved me. I met the friends she spit before and got along great with them. But I met them only once. There was too much damage over the spit she caused. I even got along with her close friend (fake name) Donald. He is an extremely muscle bound fellow who had a great heart and was emotionally open. She loved spending time with him and talking endlessly about feelings and such.”You are the only two men I know that are aware and articulate feelings.” I was never jealous of him, and encouraged her to talk with him. They would even go out for Sunday brunch together without me. It was all good. She was never attracted to his type and he was into women much younger than him. Secretly we both felt that he resembled Donald Duck a bit too much.

Senario 3

My replacement is a workaholic and has kids. Their time together is very scheduled. They never email or talk on the phone. Their texts are brief and usually to set up their next time together ( I explain why I know this on previous posts). She even told a mutual friend that she is beginning to understand why his wife cheated on him (devaluation early on). She now says, "I'm glad he spends Saturdays with his kids. This gives me time to have girls nights out." The only girlfriend she has to go out with was an old friend she painted black many times because this woman was not “trust-worthy.” “She is wild, flirty, and lies to her husband and goes out all the time behind his back.” Since we split my ex, her brother, this woman and Donald go out for “a night of shots and dancing” every other week. Last week my replacement went out with them. My ex did not do shots, he doesn’t dance, he would not speak to Donald and the two of them left very early. She is now planning “shots night” without my replacement knowing. She told one of our friends, “Well, I wouldn’t be comfortable if he was out doing shots and having women drive him home, but this is all in innocent fun.”


First of all, yes... . I have way to much information about my ex for being in N/C. All our friends were mutual. I have been working hard on detaching and have been doing well for less than two months on bpdfamily. For now this is helping me detach. It has to end. Ending this stream of information is my next big step.

It seems like her values change as she mirrors her partner. The partner before me was not social, so being social was not important to her, even to the extent that she lost a lot of friends. I am very social. We spent time alone or with her boys. But when we wanted to go out we went out together and had a great time with everyone. My replacement has interests that limit their time together (work and kids). She has changed her values (some deeply held values she expressed when we were together, like honesty and transparency) to fit her current r/s.

Knowing has been helpful in that I can clearly see BPD traits. It has help me see that it is the disorder that I no longer want to be with, not her. I can grieve her and focus my anger at the disorder. I never wanted to walk away hating her like every one of her exes.

It also keeps me from believing that our scenario was the healthiest. It certainly seems that way, but if she mirrors all of her partners, how can I say she was healthier with me? She was just mirroring me. Perhaps her values towards social life are more healthy in one of the other scenarios, or perhaps in a scenario to come once the current r/s collapses. More likely, she is just lost.

It helps knowing this to detach with the level empathy I once called was love.  She is a beautiful person caught up in a horrible disorder.

[HappyNihilist]

Pecator, you've really been able to step back and look at a lot here. Understanding BPD and BPD traits is a good way to try to make some sense of the r/s and the behaviors.

First of all, yes... . I have way to much information about my ex for being in N/C.

Yes. But that's OK. You recognize that it's not healthy for you. That's key.

It has to end.

Yes.  I'm glad you see that and are ready to do so.

It seems like her values change as she mirrors her partner.

Yes.

She has changed her values (some deeply held values she expressed when we were together, like honesty and transparency) to fit her current r/s.

Yes.

It also keeps me from believing that our scenario was the healthiest. It certainly seems that way, but if she mirrors all of her partners, how can I say she was healthier with me?

There is no "healthier" for her unless she does serious work on herself. The most certain thing is that the scenario was not the healthiest for you.

She was just mirroring me.

Yes.

More likely, she is just lost.

Yes.

She is a beautiful person caught up in a horrible disorder.

Yes. To a point. She still makes her own choices -- one of which is to choose not to work on herself. But yes, it is a difficult, horrible disorder to deal with, and it's heartbreaking when we fall in love with the "person" within, only to realize we can't hold on to that person.

Knowing has been helpful in that I can clearly see BPD traits. It has help me see that it is the disorder that I no longer want to be with, not her. I can grieve her and focus my anger at the disorder. I never wanted to walk away hating her like every one of her exes.

I'm very glad that being able to step back and look at her behaviors, both within the context of BPD and without, is helpful for you. It has been for me in my situation, too. You're doing what you need to do to process and heal.

You're under no obligation to hate her. I don't hate my exbf. I love a lot of things about him and feel a lot of empathy towards him. I have anger at his disorder(s), too.

But, like you are realizing, you can't have a r/s with a disordered person without also having a r/s with their disorder. It's a sad and painful truth, I know. But you are strong and will get through it.

Understanding and recognizing BPD traits in your ex can now help you start to better understand your own motivations, feelings, and reasons for needing that person and that r/s.

You are loving and empathetic. Turn that towards yourself.