So broken this morning.

[Jb101]

Stupidly allowed her back in my life a few days ago.

Last night we had a breakup for the record books, called me everything under the sun and kept repeating that I was a loser who didn't deserve her. Incredibly ugly. Called her this morning to clear the air, said it was for the best, but wish it hadn't gotten so ugly... . replied that it was good, it helped her hate me by saying it all and to never call her again.

Blocked/deleted her number... . I'm getting off this roller coaster. But utterly shattered today... .

[Aussie0zborn]

Well you asked for that and oh boy, isn't it painful? Im sorry to hear you are starting the day like this.

Make a mental note of how you feel right now and multiply that by a factor of ten for each time you go back or have contact.

You might feel broken right now but you can turn that around by focusing on yourself and starting the healing process right now. No contact is the solution but are you ready?

What do you need to start the process of taking your life back and freeing yourself of the abuse?

[Jb101]

Oh, I'm just a complete mess today, feel like hiding from the world.

Listening to music, trying to distract myself...

No real risk of contact, I feel abandoned, utterly miserable. I miss her like nothing else, but it's totally over unfortunately (must be crazy to think unfortunately!)...

But I reacted last night, abused me for ages, and towards the end I couldn't do validating etc anymore, lost it and said something horrible along the lines of 'you're nuts, you need to get help or you'll be a f###up for life, the men you talk about wanting to screw are going to have fun and toss you aside as soon as they realise that too... . '. She's understandably upset, I hate that I said it as I'm normally a very nice person. Either way she basically told this morning she's glad we argued, helped her hate me and it's easier for her to have no feelings about it that way...

Honestly contact would be like trying to ride a shiny new bike with a wheel missing, might seem attractive in some ways, but hopelessly dysfunctional and pointless if that makes sense.

But God I miss her... .

In some ways good for me too, it breaks any chance of it working, which helps me in moving on. Just incredibly hard, about a month ago we were about to settle on buying our dream house and naming our future kids... . for her to now turn around and say it was nothing and she hates me and is glad we parted is so painful... .

[Jb101]

I mean I'd just helped her find a nursing home for her sick father, we'd gone shopping for wedding rings, her mum loved me... . she had promised to see a therapist, even asked if we could see a couples counsellor about any impacts it was having on us... . Then we had an epic argument, she tore strips off me, and I stayed the night at an apartment I own. Talked to her, she was incredibly sorry later, and I said I think we need to hold off on the house and get the us side a bit healthier first. Within a week she decided I'd abandoned her, she didn't have any issues and all would be well if I wasn't there as somebody who knew about the problems and we were over... . Told me I wasn't good enough and I was a loser because I don't earn more than 200k (I'm not far off, and personally I think it's pretty bloody good) and a real man would... .

I feel like so much was invested in the relationship... . and now she thinks nothing of it, hates me and wants to 'be single and enjoy new one off encounters' who even says that? Teenagers? I am utterly messed up today.

[Jb101]

I miss that bike... . listening to Eric Clapton... . San Francisco Bay Blues wasn't the best song choice... .

[Jb101]

I want to call her like you wouldn't believe...

[Emelie Emelie]

I know you do.  I understand totally.  And after my first break up I ended up breaking down and making contact all the time.  It didn't help.  It only made me feel worse.  And shamed and humiliated on top of it.  Take it an hour at a time.

[Tired_of_this12345]

Jb, 

I'm in the same boat.  It's been a year since I looked at rings,  but I just had my break up tonight.  She said lots of terrible things to me.  I wasn't a man and she needed more than a part timer.  (I have 50/50 custody,  so I was only with her when I didn't have my child.).   This is the first time she had complained about that.   

I wished her the best and she actually said some nice things and we ended it.   I deleted and blocked her on everything.   I was actually very content in our last break up during our 2 weeks until she called me one night crying.   That pulled me back in.   But I didn't block her last time.   This time I know it's time.

I know I have to do this.  Sounds like you do too.

[Jb101]

Jb, 

I'm in the same boat.  It's been a year since I looked at rings,  but I just had my break up tonight.  She said lots of terrible things to me.  I wasn't a man and she needed more than a part timer.  (I have 50/50 custody,  so I was only with her when I didn't have my child.).   This is the first time she had complained about that.   

I wished her the best and she actually said some nice things and we ended it.   I deleted and blocked her on everything.   I was actually very content in our last break up during our 2 weeks until she called me one night crying.   That pulled me back in.   But I didn't block her last time.   This time I know it's time.

I know I have to do this.  Sounds like you do too.

That was almost literally my nightmare scenario. We even talked about it, she said don't worry, I'll never leave you, you make me so happy. But I was terrified after some of the worst arguments... I actually put it to her one day as almost that exact scenario and said  I wasn't comfortable buying the house if there was that risk... . professed her undying love etc... .

Be strong mate, I don't know if it helps much, but every bit of support I get helps tremendously.

[Jb101]

Omg, I'm struggling today. I want her back and to make contact so much... . she's decided she hates me so just like a moth running back to get burned if I did...

From what she has said she had similar things and an ex who turned into a stalker! Do other people have similar things they've learned about their ex's past? Part of me says I should feel like it's just the way she is, accept it was out of my control. But I still feel like I should have helped better with managing her issues...

[Tired_of_this12345]

Mine had several abusive ex's.   Her first husband was emotionally abusive.  He was the father of her 3 kids.  Although she said he was abusive,  she has a super close and unhealthy relationship with him still.   Her second husband was a steroid user that physically abused her.  He broke her nose with a headbutt,  but that was not enough to leave him.

Next up was another abusive steroid using boyfriend that she dated for 4 years after the 2nd husband.  He once accused her of cheating and threw her in the air and she broke her ankle. 

I was the next bf.  she told me that guy was a stalker.  She had him blocked on Facebook and his number blocked.  However,  he started showing up.  He would drive by her 2nd job, and send pictures of himself naked.    About a month into our relationship,  he showed up at her house while I was there.  He was screaming about how she keeps texting him and she won't leave her alone.  Then he tried to fight me.   Cops called and restraining order filed.   He still would appear through indirect means.   He would talk to her family and talk about how much he loved her.   

Looking back,  I think this was all part if her plan.  She loved that she was dating a younger guy(me),  and was trying to make him jealous.  I think she was texting him and telling him she was dating someone else now.  Of course, he shows up and looks nuts,  but I think she wanted that to happen.  Lots of crazy things involved there. 

So yes,  she has a stalker,  but she loved the drama.  It's what makes her feel alive.

[HappyNihilist]

Jb, I'm so sorry you're struggling today. 

Omg, I'm struggling today. I want her back and to make contact so much... . she's decided she hates me so just like a moth running back to get burned if I did...

From what she has said she had similar things and an ex who turned into a stalker! Do other people have similar things they've learned about their ex's past? Part of me says I should feel like it's just the way she is, accept it was out of my control. But I still feel like I should have helped better with managing her issues...

I know it's far easier said than done to accept that this was out of your control. But the truth is, it was and is and always will be. Her issues, her behavior, her actions, her way in life... . all of these are out of your control.

What is completely within your control, however, is your own mindset, behavior, actions, and so on. This is a good time to stop focusing so much on her and start looking at yourself. You put a lot of time and effort into trying to help her with her life and her issues. You deserve your own time and effort even more.

This is from one of your other posts... .

It's like there is this little kid mentally, who can be an angel and you just want to look after... . who throws their toys out of the pram in terms of the relationship, and then says it's your fault they aren't happy.

We used to have the best times and the. She painted me black and it wouldn't matter what I did, we could never have fun anymore. We went from a great sex life to utter hell... . and suddenly I'm being told I'm not a real man because we don't have a good sex life. This is after she suddenly doesn't want it and I'm nice and don't push, then get abused for that and it's my fault it feels awkward after because I'm feeling weird about having sex with somebody who abused me... .

But at the same time there's this angel I miss in there and wish I could get back and stop from hurting herself with this destructive cycle... .

Yes, there is a person "in there" whom you love and worry about and care about. (And yes, there is certainly a child mentality. That's a big part of her issues, which can never be addressed by anyone but her.) Unfortunately, that person is also emotionally disordered and, in your own words, abuses you.

Look at what you've said here. The hurtful things she's said and done to you. Does that truly seem like someone you need in your life? Is that really a person to whom you want to give all of your love and support and empathy and caring?

You deserve your love, support, empathy, caring, and focus. And we will be here to help. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Jb,

I'm sorry you are hurting so much today.  I remember how unbearable the pain felt to me the day after our breakup.  Be gentle with yourself and take one hour, one minute, at a time.  

In her book Susan Anderson calls this stage "Shattering," and here are some tips to get through it:

Tips for moving through this stage:

• Focus on this moment.  Trying to plan getting through a whole day is too big a challenge.  Take things literally one minute at a time.



• Try to avoid numbing out with alcohol, drugs, food, or sex– it will slow down your recovery and could make things worse



• Breathe. Even just a few deeper breaths will signal the nervous system to relax, and bring much needed oxygen into your body.



• Get very specific, focus on your senses, and concentrate on one thing for as long as you can, like the taste in your mouth, or the air passing through your nostrils. This might be 30 seconds at first, but it will grow if you keep trying.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but things really do get better.  We're here for you.  

[Jb101]

I'm such a mess. Got drunk today which was stupid. She sent me a message about some stuff I'd said saying it happened, don't beat yourself up over it. I apologised. The alcohol definitely played a part but I miss he so much today. The good times are great, and even if it hurt, I was getting so much better at detaching from the bad times and managing it.

I sent her a message saying we were both upset, messed up and needing space now to heal a bit, but how apart we just don't talk for a few weeks and see how we feel. She hasn't replied. Trying not to look at the phone every few seconds, and not sure what I'm doing...

[Jb101]

It's like I've become addicted to the drama and insanity?

And I'm mentally used to being in the talk it down, work it out when an issue comes up frame, it's hard to step back and say don't do that anymore.

I'm actually terrified of what she will say...

[Aussie0zborn]

Have you considered seeing a therapist? This is not always something you can do by yourself. Why not engage a professional to help you through?

[Jb101]

Yeah, just not sure I'm up to it. I feel a bit like if I do I'm letting it become part of life in too big of an ongoing way. Anyway she replied with a no, we both need to move on etc.

I miss her so much. She was horrible at times, but it's also broken me down so much I feel worthless without her now and like I can't do any better. She was the most successful and beautiful person I've ever had a ltr with and we had so much genuinely in common. It's just part of a bad breakup now I suppose. We had this amazing future we had planned and it's been ripped to shreds.