Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
September 28, 2024, 06:40:20 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Experts share their discoveries
[video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
What Do You Think He Is Really Saying?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: What Do You Think He Is Really Saying? (Read 422 times)
dealingwithit
Offline
Posts: 74
What Do You Think He Is Really Saying?
«
on:
May 01, 2014, 02:31:55 AM »
My husband and I are doing really well right now. Several years ago he was involved at least emotionally with a woman at work. It was a very painful situation for me which led me to fall into drinking for a few months. He found out and was very hurt and angry at me for drinking. (His dad was an abusive alcoholic.) I had asked that he stop communicating with this woman since she lived in a different state and he couldn't seem to do that... . Anyway, now he has better boundaries with women overall.
If I bring up anything to do with the situation, he immediately goes into, "You have ruined our family and put me through hell when I didn't do anything and never apologized" rant. It is like an automatic switch button with emotional intensity. I feel like he is hiding something when he does that, like I have stepped into territory he doesn't want me delving into. What do you guys think about that?
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
Indigo Sky
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: End of March 2013 she tried to have me charged with assault so she could benefit from it financially and then have me deported. Just about everyone has told me if I go back to her city most likely I will run into personal danger.
Posts: 848
Re: What Do You Think He Is Really Saying?
«
Reply #1 on:
May 01, 2014, 05:32:05 AM »
Why do you feel you have to bring up the situation?
Logged
dealingwithit
Offline
Posts: 74
Re: What Do You Think He Is Really Saying?
«
Reply #2 on:
May 01, 2014, 04:53:06 PM »
It is because he contacted a couple of people from his past and I wanted to remind him of the boundaries with women. He contacted them through Facebook but they are not responding. The point is to make sure he knows I won't go through that again. (Didn't make that clear in my earlier post, I guess
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7407
If YOU don't change, things will stay the same
Re: What Do You Think He Is Really Saying?
«
Reply #3 on:
May 02, 2014, 05:22:30 AM »
It is his natural response to a fear of being controlled (in his mind).
The past episode has been compartmentalized and put away. This could mean, as you fear, that the lesson was not learned, which may or may not be true.
Either way he sees that as his business not yours. He does not feel the empathy you might expect, only on how it impacts him, not how it impacted you, That is, it triggered your drinking and that affected him, not the guilt of what he did to you emotionally. In his mind you blew it out of proportion with your reaction.
His improved "boundaries' may just mean he is doing a better job of avoiding triggering you, rather than a change in attitude overall. It is always hard to tell what is real and what isn't, as past poor behavior has a habit of recycling as though it was never resolved.
Logged
Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Chosen
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1479
Re: What Do You Think He Is Really Saying?
«
Reply #4 on:
May 04, 2014, 09:27:48 PM »
Hi dealingwithit,
I can empathise with your situation, even though I haven't gone through a similar experience. I have gone through many times of uBPDh did something -> me responding (not so well) -> him putting all the blame on me, ignoring his responsibility (like he was the one which started this chain of events) -> in future if we mention this episode he will still put all blame on me.
First, no matter under what situation you mentioned his inappropriate behaviour, he will feel that it's a stab to his confidence (because he was in the wrong). He will feel the need to defend himself, and he does so by putting all blame on you. If he is able to say "because I crossed my boundaries with women, it led to my wife feeling hurt and drinking", then he wouldn't be pwBPD. As waverider said, he might/ might not have learnt the lesson. But bringing it up doesn't help (yes it's unfair; pwBPDs seem to be "allowed" to bring up issues but we can't). If he hasn't learnt it/ refuse to accept it, he will not change his attitude just because you remind him.
What you need is boundaries for yourself- *if* he doesn't something similar again, or if you have told him before what behaviour you accept/ don't (e.g. "No one-on-one contact with single women on FB", then if he steps on/ crosses the boundary, you will have to do something in response to let him know it is unacceptable to you.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
What Do You Think He Is Really Saying?
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...