At A Loss

[WhoMe51]

I have been on the leaving board since Easter weekend. I told myself that there was no way I would ever be with her again. I was tired of the push pull dynamics. She has been diagnosed with BPD. She was in treatment for about 7 months. She stopped going and that's when it started going down hill. She blamed me for anything and everything that was wrong in our relationship. I have been going to a therapist for this and my codependency. After our last big fight she said that she was done and so did I. I blocked all communication with her because I knew I had to detach or I would want her back. Things were going better cause I was spending my lonely time on here reading the posts and doing things that I liked to do. I was even trying new things. But then she started calling me from new numbers or dropping by my house. She even came to my job. She started telling me that she wanted to try again. She apologized for the fighting and blaming.

She came to my house last night with some beer and asked if we could talk. I let her in and we started to talk. She started telling me that she knew she needed to go back to counseling and that she had even made an appointment for next week. She said that she knew that she had to get help or she was going to lose me. She looked me in the eyes and said she loved me and that she was going to do whatever it took to get well so that we could be together. She's never talked like this before. Because my first thought was she was trying to manipulate me.

One thing that I have read on this board is "what do you want to do?"  I don't know what to do. Because a part of me feels like I'm setting myself up for more hurt but if she is sincere then in time she will be better. There is a part of me that is numb and a part of me that still loves her. I'm trying to look at it with my mind and not my heart. But as you all know that is a difficult thing to do.

[seeking balance]

Was she in DBT specifically?

Were you in T also?

[Emelie Emelie]

It is really difficult to separate your head from your heart.  My BF had never been in therapy.  But after four months apart he came to me with the same sort of scenario.  I did get back together with him but he never did pursue any therapy and dumped me again four months later.  So I'm a little gun shy.  

Is this the first time you've broken up or has this happened before?  

Is there a middle ground option for you?  Could suggest you talk again after she's been in therapy for a couple of months?  Ask that she try and process what happened with her Therapist and you do the same?  

What does your Therapist say?

[WhoMe51]

Seeking balance,

She was in dbt therapy. And she was on medication too. I am seeing a therapist too. It has kept me sane.

Emelie,

We have broken up before. Too many to count actually. But this is the first time she has actually apologized for her actions without the "I did it because you did this or that".  My therapist has told me to stay away from her and concentrate on my healing. I don't know what to believe from my ex. I guess time will tell. I didn't just jump back in. And I'm not going to. I have to see some long term commitment to what she was saying. Like you said. I really didn't know how to respond to her.

[trappedinlove]

This is a tough one... .

One important question to ask is what's in it for you.

If you try again you know there's a huge challenge in front of you two and there is going to be serious investment on your side to support her and be on her side while she is working on herself.

And this is a continuous process that is not likely to ever be cured completely.

You can grow through this process by dealing with the difficulties that it takes, but are you up to it?

Do you love her enough to be willing to really be there for her?

TIL

[BPD Magnet 1]

Everyone is at different levels of detachment when it comes to someone you love with BPD.It is a long long road wheather your in it or detaching from it.

There is no one answer ''fix'' to this issue.It is time and a PROCESS.We are all at different levels of this process.

It took me 7 years of hell.I lost all I ever had and my freedom 7 times due to hanging in there time and time again with a BPD Woman.I seen jail over this 7 times and still went back.I was in hospital 2 times over this and still went back.I was homeless and lived in my P/P truck time and time again and yes,i still went back over and over.

The last time I was BANKRUPT mentally,emotionally and physically and very very sick from all of it.The very last time I called her bluff and never returned to the HOUSE OF HORRORS.I ended up in a drug infested,prostitute infested week to week motel a broken man that lost everything I ever had.I was torn and trapped with no way out.

Well here it is 2 years later and I have done it.I am only 75% well but thank god I am not where I used to be anymore.

I feel your pain and wish you all the luck in the world.If there is anything I can do to help just let me know.

[fromheeltoheal]

Because a part of me feels like I'm setting myself up for more hurt but if she is sincere then in time she will be better. There is a part of me that is numb and a part of me that still loves her. I'm trying to look at it with my mind and not my heart.

Better yet, listen to your gut.  Our hearts speak to us in love/not love, without reason, we love what we love whether it's good for us or not.  Our brain is a very active organ, multiple perceptions, misperceptions, justifications, conflicting beliefs, all available.  But our gut doesn't speak in words, it speaks in feelings, actually only one feeling at a time, and it's NEVER WRONG.  I can't tell you the number of times I've overridden what my gut was telling me because my heart was telling me "love" and my brain didn't want to do what my gut was telling me; I could have avoided massive pain by just listening to my gut and acting accordingly.  I recommend it strongly.  What's your gut say?

[coolioqq]

Because a part of me feels like I'm setting myself up for more hurt but if she is sincere then in time she will be better. There is a part of me that is numb and a part of me that still loves her. I'm trying to look at it with my mind and not my heart.

Better yet, listen to your gut.  Our hearts speak to us in love/not love, without reason, we love what we love whether it's good for us or not.  Our brain is a very active organ, multiple perceptions, misperceptions, justifications, conflicting beliefs, all available.  But our gut doesn't speak in words, it speaks in feelings, actually only one feeling at a time, and it's NEVER WRONG.  I can't tell you the number of times I've overridden what my gut was telling me because my heart was telling me "love" and my brain didn't want to do what my gut was telling me; I could have avoided massive pain by just listening to my gut and acting accordingly.  I recommend it strongly.  What's your gut say?

I second this. If you look deep down, you do have a gut instinct that is much clearer than your conflicted thoughts/feelings, WhoMe. No one here will tell you what to do. 7 months of DBT and meds should have improved things... . Did you see any improvements? What did she give as the reason for giving up on treatment on her part?

[seeking balance]

WhoMe,

I can understand your confusion - the lack of boundaries and more time spent can make you feel like maybe this time will be different.  Many of us go back and forth and there is not right or wrong answer in all of this, it is your life to live as you see fit.

Tell me more about DBT - did she finish treatment and is in after-care or did she stop in midst of the treatment?  I am surprised she said "back to counseling"  because people in DBT treatment typically have longer than 7 months of a more structured program.  If she quit - this is a good indicator of what she does when things are difficult.

Rationally, she is showing you a bit of who she is... . she brought beer and showed up at your house unannounced - does this look like a respect of boundaries?

[WhoMe51]

WhoMe,

I can understand your confusion - the lack of boundaries and more time spent can make you feel like maybe this time will be different.  Many of us go back and forth and there is not right or wrong answer in all of this, it is your life to live as you see fit.

Tell me more about DBT - did she finish treatment and is in after-care or did she stop in midst of the treatment?  I am surprised she said "back to counseling"  because people in DBT treatment typically have longer than 7 months of a more structured program.  If she quit - this is a good indicator of what she does when things are difficult.

Rationally, she is showing you a bit of who she is... . she brought beer and showed up at your house unannounced - does this look like a respect of boundaries?

She was seeing a Psychologist who specialized in DBT treatment.  She told me that the reason she quit was the Psychologist told her she was healed.  And at the same time she stopped taking her meds.  The meds kept her moods somewhat stable and she was easier to deal with.  She seemed to be at peace with herself, but she complained that it was hard for her to feel anything. So she got off of them.  And I agree with you that she did cross boundaries when she came over.  But once again I allowed her to do so.  I don't really know what to do.  I don't know if she is serious this time or not.    Maybe for the moment she is or maybe not.  I don't know if I have it in me to support her like I will have to or not.  I was getting to a place where I knew that I would be ok when she came over.  I talked to my therapist yesterday over the phone and she told me not to take the bait.  Because I knew how this would end.  That if she was serious about the treatment and getting better that she would have to show a major commitment to treatment.  And she couldn't just talk about it.  I do love her but I don't want to lose myself in it either.  It has taken a lot for me to detach.  I have started looking at the relationship from outside the box instead of looking at it within.  I have been working on myself and seeing how my codependency has kept me in this loop for so long. 

[seeking balance]

She was seeing a Psychologist who specialized in DBT treatment.  She told me that the reason she quit was the Psychologist told her she was healed. 

This is not DBT and I doubt a psychologist would way "healed".  Honestly, research DBT - it is both group and individual settings and lasts longer than 7 months, nor is "healed" a word that would be used.

I don't know if she is serious this time or not.    Maybe for the moment she is or maybe not. 

yes, for the moment - Future behavior ... . the best indicator is her past behavior.

  I talked to my therapist yesterday over the phone and she told me not to take the bait.  Because I knew how this would end.  That if she was serious about the treatment and getting better that she would have to show a major commitment to treatment.  And she couldn't just talk about it. 

You pay your T for advice - I would listen if I were you.

I do love her but I don't want to lose myself in it either.  It has taken a lot for me to detach.  I have started looking at the relationship from outside the box instead of looking at it within.  I have been working on myself and seeing how my codependency has kept me in this loop for so long. 

Love - sometimes love is letting go.  The truth is, for her to heal she has to want to with our without you.  Love is not enough in these relationships - first of all, boundaries are critical and you are right, your codependency is not going to be an asset for this relationship.

You are on the Leaving Board for a Reason - I make this challenge to you:  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

What False Beliefs have you stuck right now?  Tell us more about how true it really is?

[WhoMe51]

seeking balance,

I would believe that I am stuck on #5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

and  And maybe #10 Belief that they have seen the light. I guess I am hoping that she has seen the light and the relationship will return to the way it was before.  But I know from Therapy that she probably hasn't seen the light nor will things ever be the same as before.  I know these things in my head, but my heart doesn't want to let go.  I believe that this comes from my codependency.  I think that I can help her or support or even fix her.  I know that I can't fix her but old habits run deep. I know what to do.  I have to listen to my "gut".  And to my therapist.  Things may change for a moment but it won't last is my belief.  And this comes from our past of break up make up over and over.  And I know that her psychologist or therapist wouldn't tell her she was healed.  She just quit going because of the pain that she was going through facing her past.  Even though I knew this I hung in there because of my own issues.  I thought I could help her and deep down I knew I couldn't  But I stayed in it despite what my head said.  Because I based my own worthiness on her getting better.  And without her I wasn't worthy of love or anything else.  I know better now but I keep thinking things will change.  Thank you for your thoughts. 

[seeking balance]

Have you had the opportunity to read "The Betrayal Bond"?

It is quite insightful and discuses our attachments on the basis of trauma attachments.  It might really help you in figuring all this out right now - a new tool for your emotional tool belt.

Peace,

SB