finally getting angry

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's interesting-- I was driving along and I've been dwelling in my break up a bit (we broke up about 3 months ago, we've been no to low contact-- wrapping up lease issues, etc. since then and now zero contact for about 3 weeks) and finally I asked myself-- what am I feeling?  And the emotion I had was "frustration."  What is frustration?  Well it's a kind of anger, but it is a low level, moderate anger, no?  I started thinking, I haven't really gotten angry about the situation.  I've worked hard since the break up not to engage in her baiting, belittling irrational behavior (or her friend's-- one of whom sent me a long nasty email that I didn't reply to.  This became me being rude to her friends) and I think I've never really hit the anger stage. 

There are several reasons-- in this relationship I wasn't really allowed to get angry (with her or in general... . This year the Christmas tree was a real pain in the ass, kept falling down, and after it tumbled over for the fifteenth time, I flung something (a bag of candy) against a door and swore).  Kid wasn't home, she was upstairs so I wasn't damaging anything or anyone, but this became my "anger issue."  When we'd argue, I'd do everything I could to not lose my cool, I'd consciously slow myself down, count to ten, etc.  This led to her just talking over me and yelling at me more (the pace at which she could invent ___ was unreal).  Occasionally, I'd explode or I'd just walk off (which usually led to her following me and yelling more).

But I realized that I wasn't allowed to get angry (I was allowed to rage, because that proved her victimhood, but express anger in a calm way? Never) in my relationship (I also felt that I wasn't allowed to get angry in a previous relationship... .   She had a probably BPD mom with rage issues.  So any time I lost my cool (even just pounding the steering wheel because I was lost and the traffic sucked), it became a major issue-- flashbacks to mom, etc. So I worked to control/repress my anger.). 

Certainly, we could trace this back to my own FOO, my dad could get really angry and my mother was certainly afraid of it.  But in every case, I was encouraged not to be too emotional (it still happens in my family, I occasionally will complain and rant about whatever stupid stuff is going on and my family treats it like I'm going to beat down my boss's door and blow up the office). 

I've realized now that I'm no contact with the ex, I don't have to hold this anger in.  I can say, YOU KNOW WHAT?  I'm pissed.  I am angry, because she laid hands on me, she cost me a lot.  I lost a home that I LOVED, I LOST A RELATIONSHIP WITH A CHILD I ADORE, I lost a good relationship with my (possible) in-laws whom I liked and respected. I lost a relationship with someone who when they weren't crazy was my ideal in a lot of ways (smart, pretty, funny, engaging, could be understanding when she wasn't belittling me, independent when she wasn't crazy, etc).   I'm struggling at work, because everything is everywhere, I don't have a routine and I don't know what else to do.  AND IT IS LARGELY HER FAULT!  I asked her to get help.  She said she would.  She didn't.  I didn't break that promise.  She did.  She f'ed up.  Not me.  I bent over backwards. I took her at her word.  I worked with her.  I tried.  I worked to diminish my bad behaviors.  I worked hard to raise her child and I was met with devaluation, lies, smears and irresponsibility.  Did I screw up?  Yep, I did.  I allowed myself to be emotionally blackmailed.  I allowed myself to ignore red flags.  I believed her promises.  I allowed lines to be crossed.  But you know what?  I did because I thought I was dealing with a normal human being.  I wasn't.  I was dealing with someone who is in so much pain that they can't give about anyone else.  AND in the last three months-- after she's painted me black-- she blamed me for it?  F that.  I'm going to go punch some pillows.

[rougeetnoir]

It's interesting-- I was driving along and I've been dwelling in my break up a bit (we broke up about 3 months ago, we've been no to low contact-- wrapping up lease issues, etc. since then and now zero contact for about 3 weeks) and finally I asked myself-- what am I feeling?  And the emotion I had was "frustration."  What is frustration?  Well it's a kind of anger, but it is a low level, moderate anger, no?  I started thinking, I haven't really gotten angry about the situation.  I've worked hard since the break up not to engage in her baiting, belittling irrational behavior (or her friend's-- one of whom sent me a long nasty email that I didn't reply to.  This became me being rude to her friends) and I think I've never really hit the anger stage. 

There are several reasons-- in this relationship I wasn't really allowed to get angry (with her or in general... . This year the Christmas tree was a real pain in the ass, kept falling down, and after it tumbled over for the fifteenth time, I flung something (a bag of candy) against a door and swore).  Kid wasn't home, she was upstairs so I wasn't damaging anything or anyone, but this became my "anger issue."  When we'd argue, I'd do everything I could to not lose my cool, I'd consciously slow myself down, count to ten, etc.  This led to her just talking over me and yelling at me more (the pace at which she could invent ___ was unreal).  Occasionally, I'd explode or I'd just walk off (which usually led to her following me and yelling more).

But I realized that I wasn't allowed to get angry (I was allowed to rage, because that proved her victimhood, but express anger in a calm way? Never) in my relationship (I also felt that I wasn't allowed to get angry in a previous relationship... .   She had a probably BPD mom with rage issues.  So any time I lost my cool (even just pounding the steering wheel because I was lost and the traffic sucked), it became a major issue-- flashbacks to mom, etc. So I worked to control/repress my anger.). 

Certainly, we could trace this back to my own FOO, my dad could get really angry and my mother was certainly afraid of it.  But in every case, I was encouraged not to be too emotional (it still happens in my family, I occasionally will complain and rant about whatever stupid stuff is going on and my family treats it like I'm going to beat down my boss's door and blow up the office). 

I've realized now that I'm no contact with the ex, I don't have to hold this anger in.  I can say, YOU KNOW WHAT?  I'm pissed.  I am angry, because she laid hands on me, she cost me a lot.  I lost a home that I LOVED, I LOST A RELATIONSHIP WITH A CHILD I ADORE, I lost a good relationship with my (possible) in-laws whom I liked and respected. I lost a relationship with someone who when they weren't crazy was my ideal in a lot of ways (smart, pretty, funny, engaging, could be understanding when she wasn't belittling me, independent when she wasn't crazy, etc).   I'm struggling at work, because everything is everywhere, I don't have a routine and I don't know what else to do.  AND IT IS LARGELY HER FAULT!  I asked her to get help.  She said she would.  She didn't.  I didn't break that promise.  She did.  She f'ed up.  Not me.  I bent over backwards. I took her at her word.  I worked with her.  I tried.  I worked to diminish my bad behaviors.  I worked hard to raise her child and I was met with devaluation, lies, smears and irresponsibility.  Did I screw up?  Yep, I did.  I allowed myself to be emotionally blackmailed.  I allowed myself to ignore red flags.  I believed her promises.  I allowed lines to be crossed.  But you know what?  I did because I thought I was dealing with a normal human being.  I wasn't.  I was dealing with someone who is in so much pain that they can't give about anyone else.  AND in the last three months-- after she's painted me black-- she blamed me for it?  F that.  I'm going to go punch some pillows.

[seeking balance]

Good post rougeetnoir!

Anger is a very valuable emotion in grief!

Throw pillows - take up kick boxing - getting that anger our physically helps a lot!  Enjoy letting it out. 

[rougeetnoir]

Thanks for your post, SB.

I think one of the things that was troubling in my relationship is that anytime I was assertive it led down all sorts of dark pathways on her end (I remember one big fight, because I finally stood up and said I can't do this for you and "boom".

Indeed, in the post-breakup world I noticed a pattern whereby if I were submissive and took the blame for everything, she would be much more easygoing and compliant, but if I were assertive (or even neutral) in anyway: BOOM! Out came the name calling, projecting, etc. 

It is going to take some time and some talking with a therapist to get to the point where I'll feel comfortable expressing my wants, needs, emotions etc. again (or for the first time).

[Narellan]

Thankyou so much for posting this R. It was like a lightbulb moment for me reading through it. Your thoughts are exactly where i am today. And i just did a quick lookback and realised the same as you. In childhood my mum had an explosive temper and i was pretty scared to get on her wrong side. I married a man who had anger issues, later  diagnosed as Bipolar. For my 23 year marriage i kepr my anger and frustration under control to avoid his escalations. I stayed in the marriage many more years than i should have because i thought he would kill our children if i left him. When they were old enough i explained his illness to them, gave them mobile phones to contact me if anything seemed weird about dad or if they ever needed me. They are big strong young men now, so this fear of him harming them has diminished. Weve been separated for 2 years.

And then along came my BPD man. Offering me everything i did not get from my miserable marriage from my aloof, never engaged ex H. I felt like my exBPD was my saviour. Anyway... . getting back to the anger point, my ex BPD never got really angry with me. I always thought things through, how to react, how to diminish his irritation when i sensed he was annoyed at me. I seem to be unable to predict peoples responses now after living with my exH so many years. Just before the final split with BPDex i accidentally locked his car keys in his car in the middle of nowhere. I almost had a panic attack. I felt that he would harm me for this. I almost smashed a window to get them out rather than confront him with what id done. I felt sick for an hour before i could tell him. When i told him i was almost crying i had worked myself up so much.(this would have enraged my exH beyond any rational thinking, and he would get a look on his face that meant murder). Anyway i confessed quickly adding "please dont say anything, i will fix it. Ill get someone to help me, dont even think about it." i had my hand over his mouth as i said this , but i was waiting for the explosion. It didnt come. He smiled and hugged me and said "dont worry, why are you so upset, theres always a plan B with me" at which he pulled a spare key out of his wallet. I was shaking by this point, probably with relief. But i just felt so in love with him in that moment.

I realise i too have never vented my anger and frustration throughout my life. And even now i chose a path to get my ex bestfriend out of my life which didnt involve any confrontation or arguing. And yet i feel so overwhelmed by my anger towards her, as she now becomes my replacement. Sometimes i want to scream and yell and slap her. But i keep trying to be dignified and push those feelings down. Maybe ill try the pillow punching too. Let me know what else works for you.

[Ihope2]

I can relate to the repressed anger issue!  My anger has been buried so deep down, it needs to come out. I am angry at my parents. I am angry at my late father for being so f^%$#@& emotionally repressed, bitter, cold and disapproving to the point of sarcasm. I am angry that he just dropped off the scene and died suddenly in his sleep at age 56 years.  I am angry at my 70 year old mother, who has thrown herself at one emotionally abusive man after the next in her life, and has been unable to live her life authentically and be emotionally honest with us, her children.  I am angry at the narcissitic a*&&^%hole of a "stepfather" who emotionally bullied us and helped alienate us from our biological father, and then after 15 years decided he had enough and left my mother for another woman.  After having dragged us to a foreign country for a 3 year foreign service job, and then dragged us to his home country of Germany and dumped us there without a home to go to (it was not our country of birth). 

I am angry at myself for all the bad choices I made when it came to relationships and how I threw myself at anyone who would have me and remained loyal to damaged, emotionally abusive men for a total of 13 years' worth of relationships.

I am angry that again, at age 45, I have come out of a totally dysfunctional relationship a drained and emotionally wrecked person, heck, I even married the man (my first marriage) and what a f&&**## joke it was.  It did not even last a year. 

I am angry that to this day, my mother plays emotionally manipulative games with my sister and me, treats us as children (we are in our forties) and wonders why we don't like her latest emotionally abusive (narcissist again we suspect) husband... .

I am angry that so much life has gone to waste all around in my family:  my father was damaged and dysfunctional from his screwed up childhood, so was my mother, my siblings and I got sucked into the dysfunctionality and lived our lives in a compromised way because of it.

I am angry at the waste of potential in my soon to be exBPDh, who could have been such a warm, loving, good man had it not been for the abusive and destructive FOO he grew up in.  I am angry at having lost him as a good husband and partner and soul mate before I even found him.

I AM ANGRY!

[Narellan]

Ihope2 BE ANGRY ! Let it out on here. I know all too well how you feel. And you kinda feel better after you vent a bit don't you? I'm surprised at my anger. I have only just felt pain, but reading through the steps of grief and loss, it's natural to feel it and express it. It just means you're becoming self aware and are moving forward. You have a lot to be angry about. So much disappointment and loss. Keep reading and venting 

[Ihope2]

Thank you. Didn't mean to hijack anyone's thread here.