Re-Connecting with Family After Years of Estrangement/Silence

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just wondering how some of you re-connected with your immediate families after months/years of estrangement due to your relationship with a BPD spouse or significant other. I haven't left my wife yet though I'm in the process of planning.

I reached out to my mother a few weeks ago via e-mail and she responded back immediately. I haven't responded since then but have been feeling the urge to. Part of me just wants to explode with all the details of the ___ storm of my marriage that I haven't told her or anyone else in my family. The other part of me feels this would only serve my temporary need to let some things go to ease my own uncomfortable feelings. I have a really, REALLY hard time asking for help when I need it. Especially from my parents and sisters. And I need their help.

But, I have treated my family like crap and kept them at arms length for years. How do I even begin to fix this?

[ATLandon]

Just wondering how some of you re-connected with your immediate families after months/years of estrangement due to your relationship with a BPD spouse or significant other. I haven't left my wife yet though I'm in the process of planning.

I reached out to my mother a few weeks ago via e-mail and she responded back immediately. I haven't responded since then but have been feeling the urge to. Part of me just wants to explode with all the details of the ___ storm of my marriage that I haven't told her or anyone else in my family. The other part of me feels this would only serve my temporary need to let some things go to ease my own uncomfortable feelings. I have a really, REALLY hard time asking for help when I need it. Especially from my parents and sisters. And I need their help.

But, I have treated my family like crap and kept them at arms length for years. How do I even begin to fix this?

[Emelie Emelie]

With love and honesty.  Tell them you need their help.  Tell them you love them.  Be honest about your rs with you wife but also take some personal responsibility or the estrangement.

What happened that caused you to pull away from them?

[LettingGo14]

This is a huge step, and I commend you for reaching out to your mom.  I kept my family in the dark about things for most of my marriage, until it really started falling apart.  Then, I opened up completely and they helped me through divorce more than I could have imagined.  It was truly transformative.   I wasn't quite the prodigal son returning home, but close.

There's a whole school of thought on family systems (see Murray Bowen), and how good it is to work through old patterns.   

I'd say go for it.  Angels appear when you need them.

[ATLandon]

What happened that caused you to pull away from them?

I don't even know where to begin. The very short and uncomplicated version would be to say that neither my wife nor my family ever liked each other much from the beginning, but that's also oversimplifying things and giving my wife a little too much credit. She always made mountains out of molehills even when my family was trying their best to include her and treat her well. I always made it worse by eventually siding with my wife and not making her deal with the facts.

On top of all that, I'm a transgender man (assigned female at birth but I live as a man) and my family has a difficult time dealing with this in general. For the longest time, my wife and I were "roommates" when my parents told extended family or friends about my life.

I e-mailed my mom this morning just to catch up on life and also said that I'd like to talk on the phone sometime. I told her that I'm a bit in over my head these days and need help but don't deserve it. We will see how things go from here.