How do deal with sexual bargaining and being told "were just friends"

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So... this morning my uBPDw "clarified" to me that until I give up my passwords (a limit I placed a while back) that we will be "just friends".  No touching, hugs or snuggles.

Later before she left she came over to give me a kiss goodbye... . I kissed her and off she went.  Seemed to be in normal mood.

So far I don't think that I have shown her that this irritates me or any of that.  I did remind there that I didn't refuse to give her access... . that she could have a neutral third party present and I would let her look through texts and emails all she wanted.  She responded that if I was willing to have a neutral third party present for sex... . she would be fine with restarting that.

I didn't respond and exited the discussion.

How do I SET this?  Or do I just ignore strange offers like this.

Do I continue to offer hugs and intimacy if she initiates?  Up until this point I have... .

[formflier]

So... this morning my uBPDw "clarified" to me that until I give up my passwords (a limit I placed a while back) that we will be "just friends".  No touching, hugs or snuggles.

Later before she left she came over to give me a kiss goodbye... . I kissed her and off she went.  Seemed to be in normal mood.

So far I don't think that I have shown her that this irritates me or any of that.  I did remind there that I didn't refuse to give her access... . that she could have a neutral third party present and I would let her look through texts and emails all she wanted.  She responded that if I was willing to have a neutral third party present for sex... . she would be fine with restarting that.

I didn't respond and exited the discussion.

How do I SET this?  Or do I just ignore strange offers like this.

Do I continue to offer hugs and intimacy if she initiates?  Up until this point I have... .

[Wrongturn1]

Wow, formflier, that is definitely abusive and unhealthy of her to withhold sexual intimacy in an attempt to extort information about your passwords.  If I recall, you mentioned you two were seeing a therapist together, and this would be an excellent subject to raise during a session.

Whatever you do, I would encourage you to stand firm on not providing her the password information.  Even if you give her the passwords and she reads every email you have ever sent, she still will not trust you because she is mentally ill.  Remember that if you give in to her in this situation, the positive reinforcement would encourage her to withhold sex to control you in other ways.

[formflier]

Yep... . I will definitely be bringing it up.  From our past sessions we each get about 1 topic... and then with all the associated drama... . that is about what gets talked about.

Nothing has been solved. 

I still have an odd notion about her putting agreements in writing.  I have one pathway that I have told her about that I would give up the password for.  And that is how she handles what she finds.  Lots of ifs here... but if she agreed to some structure for how she handles what she finds and sticks to it... . then I would give up the password.  Agreement would state that a violation would result in me revoking access. 

In recent history we are 0 for 2 in her keeping her agreements... . so I doubt she will go back to that as it tends to prove to her... or invalidate her... . that she can't follow through.

I've also stated that she can look with a third part present.

She has made clear that all she will go for is unrestricted access with no controls on her behavior.  The answer is NO... . if that "causes" her to end the marriage... . fine by me.

Although with the bajillion threats of "its' over" she has made up until now... . she has taken no action as of yet.

And I doubt she will.

Thanks again for reminder to not give in... . I have nothing to hide... . but the "real" reason that I couldn't put up with her access was all the things she uncovered (in her mind)... . would blow about them for a couple days and then say they didn't matter anyway.

Allen

Wow, formflier, that is definitely abusive and unhealthy of her to withhold sexual intimacy in an attempt to extort information about your passwords.  If I recall, you mentioned you two were seeing a therapist together, and this would be an excellent subject to raise during a session.

Whatever you do, I would encourage you to stand firm on not providing her the password information.  Even if you give her the passwords and she reads every email you have ever sent, she still will not trust you because she is mentally ill.  Remember that if you give in to her in this situation, the positive reinforcement would encourage her to withhold sex to control you in other ways.

[Wrongturn1]

She has made clear that all she will go for is unrestricted access with no controls on her behavior.  The answer is NO... . if that "causes" her to end the marriage... . fine by me.

Btw, your statement above is a good example of a boundary.  You will not give her unrestricted access.  How she chooses to react to that is up to her.  Sounds like you are doing a good job of keeping that boundary in place, in spite of her withholding and other accusatory behavior, so kudos to you for that. 

I noticed you asking about validation on another thread.  For me, a book that really helped with that is "When Hope is Not Enough" by Bon Dobbs.  It's a relatively short book that provides a lot of specific examples of how to validate in a range of situations.

Also, thanks for your military service.  I especially admire the skills of our military pilots (especially Naval aviators).

[formflier]

Thanks for the book review... . I'm ordering it as I type.

I had a blast in Naval Aviation... . but... . as I got older... . the cockpit got smaller and my joints seemed to hurt more after a mission.  They don't build those things for comfort. 

I'm several months into trying to understand BPD... . not sure how I never heard of this before.  One thing that I've decided is that once I draw a boundary or make a decision... I'm not changing it.  So... little by little I've made decisions and probably let some stuff fester too long before acting... . but so far... . I haven't flip flopped on anything.

She has made clear that all she will go for is unrestricted access with no controls on her behavior.  The answer is NO... . if that "causes" her to end the marriage... . fine by me.

Btw, your statement above is a good example of a boundary.  You will not give her unrestricted access.  How she chooses to react to that is up to her.  Sounds like you are doing a good job of keeping that boundary in place, in spite of her withholding and other accusatory behavior, so kudos to you for that. 

I noticed you asking about validation on another thread.  For me, a book that really helped with that is "When Hope is Not Enough" by Bon Dobbs.  It's a relatively short book that provides a lot of specific examples of how to validate in a range of situations.

Also, thanks for your military service.  I especially admire the skills of our military pilots (especially Naval aviators).