On the move...

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I haven't posted for a while, have been keeping my head down trying to work through my own feelings but it is becoming increasingly difficult as the weeks roll by, not easier as I would of hoped.

Please take a look back a my earlier posts for the full back story but in a nut shell; my life long friend who was more like a sister to me is udBPD with all traits, she gas lite with me almost 4 months ago, we had a pretty bad argument over something trivial but nothing that a chat couldn't and some space apart couldnt of resolved in time, she blocked me from everything over night and when I sent a message confronting her over what I felt was a total over reaction, she retorted with a tonne of really personal abuse, accused of me of saying things I didn't say, completely misinterpreted my message which was very clear and not a personal attack or abusive, wished me unhappiness and told me to stay out of her life forever... . That was almost 4 months ago and I have honored her wishes.

I had one other close friend who house shares with her (I think this was a very triangulated situation in retrospect), she witnessed the original argument and agreed with me at the time that it was PWBPD who had instigated the whole sorry mess.

So 4 months on and things seem darker than ever - These girls were like my sisters and I have had no contact with one and minimal contact with the other in that time; I work in a busy office 5 days a week and although I get on really well with the girls I wok with, they are all settled down in relationships with their own independent friendships to maintain out of work so it's not really feasible to expect any form of deeper friendships with them.

I was dating a guy for a couple of months and we started dating just before the argument happpened; it all seemed to be going great until his ex gf contacted him to say she wanted him back and would harm herself if he didn't go to her - needless to say, at 2am last friday morning he up's and leaves (he was staying the night at my place) to go to her side and I haven't hear anything from him since.

To say my feelings of self worth are at an all time low is an understatement - I seem to be so easily thrown away by people I thought genuinely cared for me, at a moments notice.

It had been almost a month since I had heard from my other 'close' friend who lives with PWBPD, each time I would send  text asking how she was and each time I would get a very 'closed' response - Something like 'I'm goods thanks, hope all is well with you'.

So for a month I didn't message her an thought maybe she would reach out to me, afterall she knows that I've only lived in my new town for 8 months and it can be quite isolating and I don't have any other friends to talk to.

WRONG - A month later and still no word from her so I bit the bullet again and sent my usual 'Hey, how are you?' message.

I got a reply of her usual format but this time I thought I would suggest meeting for coffee... .

It took her almost an entire 24hrs to reply, she said it would be good to meet up but she could'nt for a few weeks as she was busy with work and moving.

I said that was cool as I was having an operation in a couple of weeks and I haven't been too well lately (currently under investigation for possible breast cancer as well as a stress related skin disorder) - I mentioned the breast cancer in my message and got 'well I'm sure it will be ok' in reply.

Now im posistive that all will be ok and this is just a precautionary measure but I am still a little scared (I'm not even 30 yet) - I was completely taken aback by her nonchalant attitude; she didn't ask what my operation was for or when it was (all the usual questions you'd ask your close friends out of nothing but concern).

It's clear she only replies to my messages out of a sense of 'duty' and she clearly doesn't really care how I am at all.

I can definitely say that if the boot was on the other foot and she had told me she was undergoing tests for breast cancer and I knew she was on her own with no friends to talk to, regardless of any bad blood, I would've been in my car as soon as possible and driving to see her to make sure she was ok and to just be here for her if she needed me... . But no, nothing.

I feel like I could be dead and buried for months and neither of them would never know or care.

So back to the girl who was once the person I was closest to in the whole world, my best friend/sister - She forgot to block me from twitter in her 'Black Out' rampage so I thought it best to 'do the honors' so to speak to avoid any more abuse heading my way, the problem is although she is 'Blocked' from seeing my account, I can still see hers - I stumbled upon this 'glitch' by accident when trawling through my old news feed and realized I can still still see her tweets... .

And to say I am distant memory is an understatement! There are recent pics of my 'replacement' all taken on raucous nights out (the replacement even looks a little bit like me which I found strange), comedic tweets, generic daily updates and the occasional scathing remark which I would imagine is something to do with her feelings of hatred towards me; one lovely example being 'Some people you lose aren't a loss' (reading that cut like a knife) - I'd always tried my best to be a good friend, to help out where I could and be there for her through her darkest times.

It was her birthday on Friday, the first birthday in almost 20yrs that I have not acknowledged in some way - I am honoring her wish to stay out of her life and after the vile things she has sad to me, I couldn't imagine having her in my life again.

Being a long bank holiday weekend this weekend (and he birthday), I set out a plan to make sure I didn't just lose myself to the sofa; I've been to the gym and to the movies with my mum yesterday evening but today I woke up feeling more defeated and alone than ever, and yes, the sofa claimed me today and it will most probably claim me tomorrow as well.

I guess the thing I'm struggling to understand is how can someone who tells you one minute 'how much they love you and how special you are to them and their life' and the next, you are worse than dirt?

How can a friend who you've not fallen out with, switch allegiance so easily and care so little when you have openly said you are struggling?

It's starting to feel that I have been dupped into thinking I had two great friends and we all loved each other like sisters, through thick and thin.

My friend with UDBPD has behaved badly towards me before, she has let me down on a couple of occassions when I have really needed her (she was wrapped up in toxic relationships), we talked it through and we moved on; never did I ever remind her of it or make her feel guilty for things I'm sure many other people may consider unforgivable - But we have one ridiculous argument and all the years of love are gone, just like that.

So I know from my other friends text that they are moving (she gave no details of where or when and I didn't ask) - We've known each other since we were 11yrs old and it's the strangest feeling to have no idea where my 'best friends' will be. It's like every memory of them I have is being erased and they will be somewhere in the world, but I won't know where.

I have been trying to get on with things and getting used spending alot of time by myself and filling that time with productive things but I'm finding myself falling into more and more unhealthy habits; I've found that buy mixing codeine based painkillers and alcohol is the only way I can get a decent nights sleep, at the weekends I'll take enough to keep me asleep for 12 hours or more (sleep is a relief because I don't feel so alone when Im sleeping), I'm struggling to get motivated for work as there seems little point in going to work only to pay bills and keep the roof over my head which has become more of a cage than a home; I have no friends to socialise with so I am just working to pay the bills and put food in the fridge and there is nothing to look forward to.

As soon as I open my eyes from a long sleep, the first thought is of disappointment that I couldn't stay blissfully peaceful for a while longer.

The past few weeks, I've been thinking alot about taking my own life but my mum would be devastated (she keeps sayin 'don't do anything to yourself will you', it's like she knows the things I don't say) - My only sibling has severe special needs so I know I'm the only chance my mum has at having grandchildren one day and I don't feel like I could take that from her; I know it sounds odd but sometimes I get angry that I have to fulfil this for my mum one day because it would be so much easier to just not wake up.

My phone doesn't ring except for my mum calling to check I'm not hanging from the shower rail and the occassional sales call but apart from that, nothing.

It feels like my life will always be this lonely and I really can't cope with this forever - It's feels like everything I thought to be real, true and strong was in fact a fragile, brittle lie and I invested so much for nothing.

I'm angry because I have always been there to support these girls through every big and every small life event, both good and bad and now I could do with some support, I am left to rot in the ground like I never even existed, like I never even was.

I want to scream at them to hold me up like I have held them up so many times, I won't because I would'nt know what words to use.

Apologies for the loong post! If you made it this far down the page, thanks for reading - just needed to vent

[GlitterBug]

So I haven't posted for a while, have been keeping my head down trying to work through my own feelings but it is becoming increasingly difficult as the weeks roll by, not easier as I would of hoped.

Please take a look back a my earlier posts for the full back story but in a nut shell; my life long friend who was more like a sister to me is udBPD with all traits, she gas lite with me almost 4 months ago, we had a pretty bad argument over something trivial but nothing that a chat couldn't and some space apart couldnt of resolved in time, she blocked me from everything over night and when I sent a message confronting her over what I felt was a total over reaction, she retorted with a tonne of really personal abuse, accused of me of saying things I didn't say, completely misinterpreted my message which was very clear and not a personal attack or abusive, wished me unhappiness and told me to stay out of her life forever... . That was almost 4 months ago and I have honored her wishes.

I had one other close friend who house shares with her (I think this was a very triangulated situation in retrospect), she witnessed the original argument and agreed with me at the time that it was PWBPD who had instigated the whole sorry mess.

So 4 months on and things seem darker than ever - These girls were like my sisters and I have had no contact with one and minimal contact with the other in that time; I work in a busy office 5 days a week and although I get on really well with the girls I wok with, they are all settled down in relationships with their own independent friendships to maintain out of work so it's not really feasible to expect any form of deeper friendships with them.

I was dating a guy for a couple of months and we started dating just before the argument happpened; it all seemed to be going great until his ex gf contacted him to say she wanted him back and would harm herself if he didn't go to her - needless to say, at 2am last friday morning he up's and leaves (he was staying the night at my place) to go to her side and I haven't hear anything from him since.

To say my feelings of self worth are at an all time low is an understatement - I seem to be so easily thrown away by people I thought genuinely cared for me, at a moments notice.

It had been almost a month since I had heard from my other 'close' friend who lives with PWBPD, each time I would send  text asking how she was and each time I would get a very 'closed' response - Something like 'I'm goods thanks, hope all is well with you'.

So for a month I didn't message her an thought maybe she would reach out to me, afterall she knows that I've only lived in my new town for 8 months and it can be quite isolating and I don't have any other friends to talk to.

WRONG - A month later and still no word from her so I bit the bullet again and sent my usual 'Hey, how are you?' message.

I got a reply of her usual format but this time I thought I would suggest meeting for coffee... .

It took her almost an entire 24hrs to reply, she said it would be good to meet up but she could'nt for a few weeks as she was busy with work and moving.

I said that was cool as I was having an operation in a couple of weeks and I haven't been too well lately (currently under investigation for possible breast cancer as well as a stress related skin disorder) - I mentioned the breast cancer in my message and got 'well I'm sure it will be ok' in reply.

Now im posistive that all will be ok and this is just a precautionary measure but I am still a little scared (I'm not even 30 yet) - I was completely taken aback by her nonchalant attitude; she didn't ask what my operation was for or when it was (all the usual questions you'd ask your close friends out of nothing but concern).

It's clear she only replies to my messages out of a sense of 'duty' and she clearly doesn't really care how I am at all.

I can definitely say that if the boot was on the other foot and she had told me she was undergoing tests for breast cancer and I knew she was on her own with no friends to talk to, regardless of any bad blood, I would've been in my car as soon as possible and driving to see her to make sure she was ok and to just be here for her if she needed me... . But no, nothing.

I feel like I could be dead and buried for months and neither of them would never know or care.

So back to the girl who was once the person I was closest to in the whole world, my best friend/sister - She forgot to block me from twitter in her 'Black Out' rampage so I thought it best to 'do the honors' so to speak to avoid any more abuse heading my way, the problem is although she is 'Blocked' from seeing my account, I can still see hers - I stumbled upon this 'glitch' by accident when trawling through my old news feed and realized I can still still see her tweets... .

And to say I am distant memory is an understatement! There are recent pics of my 'replacement' all taken on raucous nights out (the replacement even looks a little bit like me which I found strange), comedic tweets, generic daily updates and the occasional scathing remark which I would imagine is something to do with her feelings of hatred towards me; one lovely example being 'Some people you lose aren't a loss' (reading that cut like a knife) - I'd always tried my best to be a good friend, to help out where I could and be there for her through her darkest times.

It was her birthday on Friday, the first birthday in almost 20yrs that I have not acknowledged in some way - I am honoring her wish to stay out of her life and after the vile things she has sad to me, I couldn't imagine having her in my life again.

Being a long bank holiday weekend this weekend (and he birthday), I set out a plan to make sure I didn't just lose myself to the sofa; I've been to the gym and to the movies with my mum yesterday evening but today I woke up feeling more defeated and alone than ever, and yes, the sofa claimed me today and it will most probably claim me tomorrow as well.

I guess the thing I'm struggling to understand is how can someone who tells you one minute 'how much they love you and how special you are to them and their life' and the next, you are worse than dirt?

How can a friend who you've not fallen out with, switch allegiance so easily and care so little when you have openly said you are struggling?

It's starting to feel that I have been dupped into thinking I had two great friends and we all loved each other like sisters, through thick and thin.

My friend with UDBPD has behaved badly towards me before, she has let me down on a couple of occassions when I have really needed her (she was wrapped up in toxic relationships), we talked it through and we moved on; never did I ever remind her of it or make her feel guilty for things I'm sure many other people may consider unforgivable - But we have one ridiculous argument and all the years of love are gone, just like that.

So I know from my other friends text that they are moving (she gave no details of where or when and I didn't ask) - We've known each other since we were 11yrs old and it's the strangest feeling to have no idea where my 'best friends' will be. It's like every memory of them I have is being erased and they will be somewhere in the world, but I won't know where.

I have been trying to get on with things and getting used spending alot of time by myself and filling that time with productive things but I'm finding myself falling into more and more unhealthy habits; I've found that buy mixing codeine based painkillers and alcohol is the only way I can get a decent nights sleep, at the weekends I'll take enough to keep me asleep for 12 hours or more (sleep is a relief because I don't feel so alone when Im sleeping), I'm struggling to get motivated for work as there seems little point in going to work only to pay bills and keep the roof over my head which has become more of a cage than a home; I have no friends to socialise with so I am just working to pay the bills and put food in the fridge and there is nothing to look forward to.

As soon as I open my eyes from a long sleep, the first thought is of disappointment that I couldn't stay blissfully peaceful for a while longer.

The past few weeks, I've been thinking alot about taking my own life but my mum would be devastated (she keeps sayin 'don't do anything to yourself will you', it's like she knows the things I don't say) - My only sibling has severe special needs so I know I'm the only chance my mum has at having grandchildren one day and I don't feel like I could take that from her; I know it sounds odd but sometimes I get angry that I have to fulfil this for my mum one day because it would be so much easier to just not wake up.

My phone doesn't ring except for my mum calling to check I'm not hanging from the shower rail and the occassional sales call but apart from that, nothing.

It feels like my life will always be this lonely and I really can't cope with this forever - It's feels like everything I thought to be real, true and strong was in fact a fragile, brittle lie and I invested so much for nothing.

I'm angry because I have always been there to support these girls through every big and every small life event, both good and bad and now I could do with some support, I am left to rot in the ground like I never even existed, like I never even was.

I want to scream at them to hold me up like I have held them up so many times, I won't because I would'nt know what words to use.

Apologies for the loong post! If you made it this far down the page, thanks for reading - just needed to vent

[cosmonaut]

Wow, GlitterBug, that is an awful lot to deal with.  I'm so sorry you are going through all of this, and all at once.  I can imagine how lonely you must feel and like everyone has abandoned you.  I'm so sorry.  I know you must be hurting so badly.

Regarding your best friend with BPD, it is very hard to understand the behavior of a pwBPD and how they can love you more than anything at one point and then leave you like you are nothing the next.  I suspect that your friend felt threatened by your fight and her deep fear of abandonment, which all pwBPD have, was triggered.  This caused her to abandon you before you could abandon her.  It is a profoundly negative coping mechanism to deal with their terrifying fear.  It's extremely hard to not take this personally, but it really isn't because of anything you did, or because you did something so awful.  It is her disorder and it's tragic, but it's not your fault.  Please believe that.

I can't believe the man you were seeing ran off in the middle of the night to be with his ex.  What a jerk!  I can't even believe how some people act.  You didn't deserve that and you shouldn't be treated like that.  Don't let him drag you down - he's the dirtbag, not you.  You didn't do anything wrong.

I'm also really sorry to hear about your breast cancer scare.  I do hope it turns out to be nothing serious.  That's a frightening experience for anyone, but especially someone as young as you are.  I will be praying for you that all is well.

It can really hurt to feel alone.  Is there a therapist you could see right now that might be able to provide some support for you?   Are you able to lean on your mother for some emotional support?  It helps to talk about things and to be supported.   This forum is also a very welcoming and understanding place.  You might not get immediate feedback, but it's pretty high traffic and everyone here understands the pain you are going through.  We've all been there.

Hang in there, GlitterBug.  Things will get better.  Keep doing the positive things you are doing: exercising, getting out, staying busy.  You are doing all the right things.  You should be proud of that.  It will take some time, but it will get easier.  Keep going.  You really are showing a lot of strength in a very difficult time.  Keep posting and let us help you too!   

[GlitterBug]

Wow, GlitterBug, that is an awful lot to deal with.  I'm so sorry you are going through all of this, and all at once.  I can imagine how lonely you must feel and like everyone has abandoned you.  I'm so sorry.  I know you must be hurting so badly.

Regarding your best friend with BPD, it is very hard to understand the behavior of a pwBPD and how they can love you more than anything at one point and then leave you like you are nothing the next.  I suspect that your friend felt threatened by your fight and her deep fear of abandonment, which all pwBPD have, was triggered.  This caused her to abandon you before you could abandon her.  It is a profoundly negative coping mechanism to deal with their terrifying fear.  It's extremely hard to not take this personally, but it really isn't because of anything you did, or because you did something so awful.  It is her disorder and it's tragic, but it's not your fault.  Please believe that.

I can't believe the man you were seeing ran off in the middle of the night to be with his ex.  What a jerk!  I can't even believe how some people act.  You didn't deserve that and you shouldn't be treated like that.  Don't let him drag you down - he's the dirtbag, not you.  You didn't do anything wrong.

Hi Cosmonaut,

Thanks for the reply

Yeah I suppose one of the problems is that some of the behaviours with PWBPD are so different to those without it that it's almost completely incomprehensible when there is a full 360 degree shift.

I keep thinking about all the things I thought she would be there to see, like one day if I get married and have kids, our next milestone birthdays, even silly stuff like the next car I might get or where I might move to in 5yrs - The realisation that she won't be a part of any of these life events devastates me because I just always thought she's be there with me. In a really strange way it kinda feels like she has passed away; the way she has just cut all contact and has started creating a new life without me in it (we would see each other at least 3-4 times per week and stay at each others places for most of that time).

I find myself wondering if she will miss me one day? Does she miss me know? Does she see any wrong in what she has said and done? Will she ever wonder where I am or what I'm doing? Did she ever care at all?

Perhaps she did know that I was really annoyed after she gas lit with me in such spectacular style and was terrified of me 'abandoning' her so she got in there first so to speak. I had always stuck by her in the past n matter how challenging it was, I certainly never deserted her when I knew she needed me the most so I don't understand why she would paint me Black now - I did notice her behaviour had become more and more eratic in recent months so perhaps this culminated in our argument and her choice to go NC with me.

Who knows?

[cosmonaut]

I can so identify with how you are feeling, GlitterBug.  Trying to understand why our pwBPD behave in the way they do can be very difficult, because they are not acting rationally.  Their thinking is highly disordered and even disconnected from reality.  There is something of an internal logic within the disorder, however.  pwBPD are emotionally hypersensitive and to a large degree they are ruled by their emotions.  So much of their behavior is driven by trying to soothe out of control emotions that they feel overwhelmed by.  Often, unfortunately, what they do are very impulsive and self-destructive things.  There is also the phenomenon of engulfment that many pwBPD experience where they can feel swallowed up in close relationships - as if they are going to lose themselves.  In response to this feeling, pwBPD often flee the relationship, because the fear of engulfment is so great.  This might also have something to do with why your friend is behaving in the way she is.  Still, it doesn't help that it hurts very, very badly.  I feel that same way about my ex.  It hurts.

I also still miss all the plans that I once dreamed of with my ex.  It is hard to let go of those hopes.  We fully expected that our pwBPD would be lifelong friends or partners.  You are so right, that is is much like a death.  And like a death, we have to grieve the loss of the relationship and the loss of all of those once very special dreams.  It is hard, but necessary.

Hang in there, GlitterBug.  I know this is a very trying time for you, but I think you are handling things well given the enormous amount you are dealing with.  Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.  Let us support you and you can support us too.