My Kids' Grandparents didn't allow me to see my kids

[bpdsupport]

Today I asked wife if the kids are at her parents because I want to go see them. She said yes but 30 minutes later(I was almost there) wife texts me saying that I her parents don't want me there so I cant see my kids. I called her parents house and father in-law picked the phone said hi but hanged up on me. I knocked the door couple times but they didn't open the door. I also called the house phone again and said I want to see my kids. Wife left work to meet me there so I can see the kids but I didn't feel comfortable meeting wife in private so asked her to drive half of a mile and meet me in a public place but she said no. I told her that I just took off work time and drove 30 miles and to please drive the kids to me for the the sake of the children as they need to see their father. I miss them and they miss me. They need my emotional support and deserve to see me. She still said no and told me that she won't cater to me. My wife constantly making excuses not to allow me to see the kids. What is my right? Can I file a police report? Can the grandparent keep the kids from me? She has changed the lock on our apartment so I am not able to come home and applied for child support. She also took out half of our money from the bank. I still pay for everything from our joint checking account where my checks go to. How can I verify that she applied for child support? There's no court order nor I filed for divorce. I am located in California. Has anyone had experience as such and if so please share. Thank you so much.

[manicmuse]

Hi, Im sorry your having so much trouble.

You need to go to court and set times and dates.

Also change bank accounts!

[ForeverDad]

Here are some solutions, some may be practical, some not, but the point is to become informed so you can make more informed and more confident decisions and choices.

Unless there is a court order stating otherwise, such as a court ordered parenting schedule or active restraining or protection order against you, then parents have equal but unspecified rights.  Without a court order stating otherwise grandparents have less authority than either parent.  What this means is that you could have asked for a local police officer to accompany you to pick up your children and the officer would have told them that you as parent have the right to take your children in the other parent's absence unless the grandparents had paperwork stating otherwise.  Of course exercising your right as parent could raise the level of conflict exponentially but it would at least stop that type of obstruction (and be replaced by other obstructions).  Even this is not a guarantee of success, the grandparents could claim the children weren't there.  Or they could stall until mother got there then the officer would not choose to intervene between the parents and probably tell you to walk away and come back when you have a court order in hand.

In my case, that's what my police told me.  They wouldn't even come out to accompany me (so my ex wouldn't claim some sort of false allegation or fearfulness) until I had a court order.  In all, I did not see my preschooler for over 3 months, that's how long it took for me to give up negotiating with my then-spouse, file for divorce and wait for a temporary order hearing.

Usually separation/filing is the most vulnerable time for you regarding risk of blocking AND false allegations of DV, threat of DV, child abuse, child neglect and/or child endangerment.  That's how extreme these acting-out PDs are such as BPD.  Be aware.  Beware.  Right now you MUST be very careful not to be seen as a stalker, harasser, pervert or some other sort of perp.  (Yes, if your spouse has a PD then you can expect to eventually be called the lowest of the scum of the earth.)  If police are called and/or your spouse makes allegations against you, true or false, you can be easily carted off for a weekend in jail "just in case" or "until a court decides whether the allegations are substantiated".

Yes, it could happen to you, though not saying it will.  It happened to too many here.  I had fallout too.  I had been a religious volunteer for over two decades, my spouse had joined me for 8 of those years.  I had been an elder in my congregation, I had to step down due to the increasing family discord.  I'm not 100% sure, but I think one time the police were about to arrest me or at least cart me off.  My preschooler saved me that day, he refused to leave my arms.  Since separation & then divorce I have faced allegations of LITERALLY every sort of abuse an adult male could do to a child - abuse, neglect, endangerment.  My and our religious background meant nothing in the face of the intense level of ex's conflict.

On the financial aspect, I'm truly surprised she only took half.  (I wonder why?  Was that a lawyer's advice or what her parents instructed her?  Generally a disordered spouse feels entitled to clean out the accounts.)  You have every right to deposit your paycheck into a personal account.  (I had opened a separate personal checking account and shifted my paycheck deposit there about 3 months before our separation, but that's another long story.)  From there you can move money over as appropriate to the joint account to pay bills or provide money for your spouse and children.

Besides documenting your parenting, her obstructions and her poor behaviors, document every financial issue you can recall.  Accounts, cards, titles, deeds, passports, birth certificates, licenses, vaccinations, etc.  You'll need them to file the divorce or sometime during it.

Have you gotten a few legal consultations from family law attorneys?  You need to find out where you stand legally, what your options are and choose strategies.  That is a priority now, trying to convince your ex or her parents to cooperate is unlikely to work - or not for long if there is no reconciliation - so you need to get started on your legal path now.

[bpdsupport]

Thank you so much for the information. I really appreciate it.