Hurting So bad

[outside9x]

Hi,

It's been over a year since my 2 1/2 year stormy relationship of several break up, and her raging and even getting physical, and crying etc.  I am not young and either is she , in our 60's but she is beautiful, and especially through the wonders of cosmetic surgeries.  I guess, that's part of the pull. 

Anyway, I broke NC, and we talked about meeting even though we are both with other people. She found a young rich one though she is well off due to 3 previous rich husbands.  No I am not rich by far.  I think she was drinking when she caled me, and maybe the romance wasn't going good, who knows.   

SO, she then started to blast me for some old emails I sent , when she out of the blue and in a loving state went into a big rage, and ran out of the car at a stop light.  (I was quiet and never said a mean word to her, or raised my voice but she was raging)  So I wrote something the next day , because this was not the 1st time, there were many other rages etc, and I didn't understand BPD at the time.  It was just crazy, I felt bad, so I mentioned things like, so you think everyone in your family is crazy but your the good one, and they are jealous of you etc, etc. It doesn't make sense,   Not good I know, but I was hurting , and this was some time ago.  She does really flip out.

So, she mentioned that , and mentioned things on the phone I never said or did.  Of course this is just to make me feel low like I am the problem,etc. I tried not getting too defensive but that's hard.

Suddenly though she said her daughter was walking in the house and had to go.  Her daughter lives about 20 miles away, and it was 9 pm on a weekday.  (Maybe the boyfriend) She asked me to text and said we should talk and meet for a drink.

After that , I thought I got pretty beat up, so I didn't text, but two days later, asked her to meet me via VM, and I haven't her from her. 

The real sad thing is, even at her best, (which doesn't last more than a week)  I know it can never ever worked. Like Ever, she will rage over something, and demean me or it just won't be a loving relationship.  So it's good we won't meet.

Yet, I burn so deeply inside to see her to touch her again, to laugh with her, etc.  Yes, The fanstasy in my head.

I never felt anything like this for one who could be so cruel at times, and her mind just goes crazy and she pushes away , even during the most loving of moments and then seeks out men on dating sites etc, and doesn't care.  She is bad news, but is so smart, and plays the game the all do, which is to the outside world they are the best, yet she has no family and friends 3 fail marriages and almost a 4th (the guy got away, but she did get part of his business because he was stupid enough to make her VP)

Why do I even crave this!  THis is truly an obsession that has no reason or logic other than the push and pull and mind games and sexual allure.  (well that is a lot) She is great at all three, and fantastic at demands and can make you feel like you are doing something wrong.

HELP ME  RESIST! i NEED TO TOTALLY BLOCK HER EVERYWHERE. ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE THIS!

Thanks

[Infared]

Outside... . I am not that young either... . and it has been more years than I will say that I started NC with my pwBPD. She ran off with another man a week before Xmas and swore there was no one after living with me for 5 years. Cut me out of her life pretty much completely and told me lie after lie after lie... . and was really mean... but I kept trying to go back for more and capture the illusion of what I thought our relationship was. Part of the reason, that I sought this site out was that my BPD recently attempted an "accidental" run-in in a grocery store parking lot. (I have gone out of my way to have ABSOLUTELY no contact for way more than 5 years... (I still think of her every day... . and after a couple of false starts just decided not to date anymore. My life is much calmer now! Phew.)... . She somehow knew my car and was lurking nearby!.  My only thought when I saw her was, "how is the most direct way to help and protect myself in this moment". I put my head down, sped up and arched right around her.  I find it hard to believe that a 60yr old 6'1" 210 lbs man has to feel that way about what appears to be a well-dressed, attractive, suburban woman pushing a cart in a parking lot after all these years... . but it might as well been Godzilla coming at me. After reflecting on that situation it was obvious to me that she had seen me in the check out line, she ran out into the parking lot, knew my car and lay-in-wait to ambush me. I did not know it was her at first... . but I noticed it was odd that this person with a cart full of groceries was just standing off to the side and then just started charging at me. After I gave her the slip,  I looked over and she did the whole stop... . sigh, collapse the shoulders victim act out.  WOW. I used to fall for her victim stuff all the time... . that is how we started dating. I was her hero, back then.  It is still upsetting... . no doubt... . but at least now I can laugh about it too.  I think other survivors understand that, here. The history of how I was treated was so bad and painful to me I just can't talk to her. I should say I just can't love myself and even have a conversation with her.   

I have been in a lot of therapy, one-on-one and group and I also am very involved with a substance abuse group (going to a meeting in a little while) for over 11 years now.  LOTS of support.  Had to learn to love myself... . once you get to a certain place (for me)... . I just can't go back for any of that insane abusive behavior. In that little drama I learned EVERYTHING I needed to know. Nothing has changed for her. She is still immature manipulative, dishonest, self-centered and crazy as hell. This person is not contacting me like an adult... . she is faking an accidental run-in in a parking lot like a 7th grader and since (if that were true, which it wasn't) the encounter would be totally on my emotional dime because she did not initiate the contact (which of course is a big fat lie from the getgo). NOTHING good can come of that contact for me. NOTHING.(unless I want more drama, abuse and insanity).  Just have to take care of me. I wish her well. Hope she is OK ... . but I cannot engage with someone who treated me in the ways that she did... . and every time I went back it was just validation to her that she can act just the way she has been acting because obviously she had all the power.

So, until you can love you enough you will just continually keep having the experiences that you are having. I found out that I was responsible for the craziness, too.  I kept going back and thinking it would be different. It never was. I needed to work on me for things to change.  ... and until I got a pair of big-boy pants... . they never did.  It is not easy... . but "I" had to change or be miserable.

You can do that, too Outside. If you were someone standing on the sidelines watching the choices your are making what would you tell you? 

[LettingGo14]

Thanks for posting outside9x.   I am sorry you are hurting.  You did say several things that could help you heal, and I hope it's okay if I highlight here.

Anyway, I broke NC, and we talked about meeting even though we are both with other people.

Many of our relationships have a pull similar to an addiction.  You allude to being with another person, who I assume you do not wish to hurt.   You focus on your ex's new relationship, but what about your own new relationship?  For me, sometimes I find stepping out of my own head helps, and you may want to put yourself in the shoes of your new partner.  Does that make sense?

The real sad thing is, even at her best, (which doesn't last more than a week)  I know it can never ever worked. Like Ever, she will rage over something, and demean me or it just won't be a loving relationship.  So it's good we won't meet.

Yet, I burn so deeply inside to see her to touch her again, to laugh with her, etc.  Yes, The fanstasy in my head.

So often we replay what is in our head as a way to try to figure things out, or ease our pain.   Our rational minds know that, as you say, "it's good that we don't meet" -- but our hearts hurt and we sometimes focus only on good times. 

I've found that accepting loss, and grieving it, is how we push through it.  For me, no matter how much I wanted it, my relationship was not going to work.  That was my reality -- and it has taken a long time to embrace it.  Until I did, I was stuck in the muck.

Why do I even crave this!  THis is truly an obsession that has no reason or logic other than the push and pull and mind games and sexual allure.  (well that is a lot) She is great at all three, and fantastic at demands and can make you feel like you are doing something wrong.

HELP ME  RESIST! i NEED TO TOTALLY BLOCK HER EVERYWHERE. ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE THIS!

Many of on the leaving board feel like this.  We have to make a choice.  For ourselves.  We have to face it, or we continue to suffer.   Detachment leads to freedom, outside9x.   It's okay to be in pain -- it's okay to hurt.   We have to own our pain in order to go through it, and not give anyone else the power to make it go away.

Does that make sense?

[outside9x]

Thanks everyone for the replies.  I was away and decided to just pull away a bit.  The meeting never took place because she did not reengage.  Part of that was me not returning her call that she ask me to do, and I didn't want to after talking to her on the phone and hearing the same rants of what I did to her. 

Yes, I am sure you are all too familiar with that.  They come in like a hurricane, and destroy everything then blame you for pointing out a few things.  sigh! Never admitting any part of it.  Never , unless it for use to lure you back in.  So I did call back for 3 days.  Anyway, glad she didn't return the call and want to meet.  She is with another anyway. 

I am back to N/C and my new girlfriend, she is beautiful, sane, and a sweetheart, and loves me, and I just got crazy, since as you know, the allure of the BPD and her charm was more then the quiet loving ways of the other.  Plus the BPD was smoking hot I must admit!  They usually are. She Spent and changed everything on her body, and I mean everything in the last 5-7 years. 

But, I am so glad I didn't give in.  I suspect as you wrote, this is a long road to be sane again.  I ready to travel it.  You can't live or make sense of crazy, and crazy can be very exciting especially when they are somewhat in a normal state, but that doesn't last too long. 

So, its what's inside of me, more than her.  I know she is pure pain.  I keep touching the fire and go, Ouch!  I am learning about desires and love.  Big difference.

Thanks All, doing somewhat better, and I hope the NC goes well.  Its for me to heal!

[Infared]

Thanks everyone for the replies.  I was away and decided to just pull away a bit.  The meeting never took place because she did not reengage.  Part of that was me not returning her call that she ask me to do, and I didn't want to after talking to her on the phone and hearing the same rants of what I did to her. 

Yes, I am sure you are all too familiar with that.  They come in like a hurricane, and destroy everything then blame you for pointing out a few things.  sigh! Never admitting any part of it.  Never , unless it for use to lure you back in.  So I did call back for 3 days.  Anyway, glad she didn't return the call and want to meet.  She is with another anyway. 

I am back to N/C and my new girlfriend, she is beautiful, sane, and a sweetheart, and loves me, and I just got crazy, since as you know, the allure of the BPD and her charm was more then the quiet loving ways of the other.  Plus the BPD was smoking hot I must admit!  They usually are. She Spent and changed everything on her body, and I mean everything in the last 5-7 years. 

But, I am so glad I didn't give in.  I suspect as you wrote, this is a long road to be sane again.  I ready to travel it.  You can't live or make sense of crazy, and crazy can be very exciting especially when they are somewhat in a normal state, but that doesn't last too long. 

So, its what's inside of me, more than her.  I know she is pure pain.  I keep touching the fire and go, Ouch!  I am learning about desires and love.  Big difference.

Thanks All, doing somewhat better, and I hope the NC goes well.  Its for me to heal!

hmmmm... . she blames and fixes all of her outside... . RUN LIKE HELL!  :-)