My Broken Toe

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been exploring my sensitivities in relationships, and noticing what one of my favorite book authors call my "broken toe" (or cracked identity).  It's the core belief picked up in childhood that we are defective, not enough, unlovable, etc.  Most of us can identify several of these identities, but usually one is stronger than the rest.

The idea is that this core belief reflects our deepest fear, and most of us spend our lives trying to make sure that no one discovers this about us.  We compensate, imitate, mask, and project... . because feeling the feelings around this fear/belief is extremely uncomfortable.

I've identified two cracked identities for myself:

• I'm unlovable.
  
  
• There is something wrong with me.
  
  

In the physical world, if someone steps on our toe, we probably say "hey!" and gently push them off of it.  But if our toe was broken, we'd mostly likely scream, get upset, and blame the other person for not being careful.  The problem is not the stepping, however, it is the extreme sensitivity that is already present. 

If someone told me I was wearing green pants when I knew they were brown, I'd immediately form an opinion about the person's perception and/or vision.  I wouldn't feel upset or slighted.  But if a potential romantic partner said, "I'm not able to love you the way you want me to," somehow, I'd make that about me, about my deficiencies.  Why wouldn't I just chalk it up to his inability or lack of desire to have a relationship with me (which is not upsetting)?  Because of my "broken toe."   

Since deep down, there is a fear in me that I'm unlovable, I make sure that I am super loving in my relationships, hoping to prove to myself and others that I am lovable.  Since I don't want to feel that there is something wrong with me, I make sure that I am very competent and capable, open-minded, etc. 

My pwBPD seemed to offer me the fulfillment of a great need to feel loved and accepted.  He was interested in everything about me, protective, caring.  When he left, I felt rejected, unlovable, deficient – but he left because of his wants and needs, and not because there was something inherently wrong with me.  I felt like he stomped on my broken toe repeatedly, but all I needed to do was remove it from under his foot.     I needed to take care of it, pay attention to it, protect it (a temporary cast?), and understand that the responsibility for my broken toe is mine and no one else's.

What I am finding is that when my deepest fear about myself is triggered, leaning in to the discomfort is the way to go.  It's extremely uncomfortable, especially in the presence of someone else, but it leads me to a well of compassion where I understand that the broken toe is simply a deep fear, it is not the truth of who I am.  I don't have to protect myself with thicker and thicker armor – that just keeps me from connecting with others, and the opportunity to love and be loved.  No, I can  feel that discomfort – ride it out – and meet my essential self on the other side of fear's black hole.

Easier said than done.  But a fascinating exploration, to say the least!

Can anyone else relate?  What is your broken toe?  How do you hide/protect it from yourself and others?

[heartandwhole]

I've been exploring my sensitivities in relationships, and noticing what one of my favorite book authors call my "broken toe" (or cracked identity).  It's the core belief picked up in childhood that we are defective, not enough, unlovable, etc.  Most of us can identify several of these identities, but usually one is stronger than the rest.

The idea is that this core belief reflects our deepest fear, and most of us spend our lives trying to make sure that no one discovers this about us.  We compensate, imitate, mask, and project... . because feeling the feelings around this fear/belief is extremely uncomfortable.

I've identified two cracked identities for myself:

• I'm unlovable.
  
  
• There is something wrong with me.
  
  

In the physical world, if someone steps on our toe, we probably say "hey!" and gently push them off of it.  But if our toe was broken, we'd mostly likely scream, get upset, and blame the other person for not being careful.  The problem is not the stepping, however, it is the extreme sensitivity that is already present. 

If someone told me I was wearing green pants when I knew they were brown, I'd immediately form an opinion about the person's perception and/or vision.  I wouldn't feel upset or slighted.  But if a potential romantic partner said, "I'm not able to love you the way you want me to," somehow, I'd make that about me, about my deficiencies.  Why wouldn't I just chalk it up to his inability or lack of desire to have a relationship with me (which is not upsetting)?  Because of my "broken toe."   

Since deep down, there is a fear in me that I'm unlovable, I make sure that I am super loving in my relationships, hoping to prove to myself and others that I am lovable.  Since I don't want to feel that there is something wrong with me, I make sure that I am very competent and capable, open-minded, etc. 

My pwBPD seemed to offer me the fulfillment of a great need to feel loved and accepted.  He was interested in everything about me, protective, caring.  When he left, I felt rejected, unlovable, deficient – but he left because of his wants and needs, and not because there was something inherently wrong with me.  I felt like he stomped on my broken toe repeatedly, but all I needed to do was remove it from under his foot.     I needed to take care of it, pay attention to it, protect it (a temporary cast?), and understand that the responsibility for my broken toe is mine and no one else's.

What I am finding is that when my deepest fear about myself is triggered, leaning in to the discomfort is the way to go.  It's extremely uncomfortable, especially in the presence of someone else, but it leads me to a well of compassion where I understand that the broken toe is simply a deep fear, it is not the truth of who I am.  I don't have to protect myself with thicker and thicker armor – that just keeps me from connecting with others, and the opportunity to love and be loved.  No, I can  feel that discomfort – ride it out – and meet my essential self on the other side of fear's black hole.

Easier said than done.  But a fascinating exploration, to say the least!

Can anyone else relate?  What is your broken toe?  How do you hide/protect it from yourself and others?

[dontknow2]

heartandwhole, timing is impeccable.

My broken toes: unlovable, undeserving, and not enough (and not 100%/whole).

I protect them by avoiding big risks (i.e. loss of job) by not saying what I really think, staying in a relationship where I am unloved, only telling people about my weaknesses/imperfections after they don’t feel so vulnerable anymore (i.e. post-therapy or already improving), suppressing things I don’t like about myself, and judging what I don’t like about myself in others (logical validation: if they are bad for the same trait, then I must be too).

I was just triggered yesterday at work. I was on a temporary developmental assignment and on my last day (with an offered extension with promotion to be effective soon). My team including my supervisor ganged up on me out of the blue and completely tried to discredit my work in front of the customer that took months to gain just a little trust in my work. After I ended the call prematurely out of frustration, I just cried and then e-mailed everyone that I turned down the extension with a promotion (due to being very hurt by team and unprofessionalism). Part of me really doesn’t want to go back to that team and another part realized my unlovable and ‘not good enough’ broken toes were stepped on. So, I am deciding if I ask if they will take me back and ‘ride it out’ in the discomfort to see if my efforts can come true. Ugh.

Thanks for sharing.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yeah, I can relate.  My core deal has always been a feeling that I'm 'less than' or 'not good enough'.  To expand on your toe metaphor, lately I've been in 'I just don't give a fck' mode; I tell people my damn toe is broken.  Some, like my ex, stomp on it with glee, some people are unsupportive, and some people say the equivalent that they're sorry and they avoid stepping on it.  They toe the line so to speak.  Coming back from metaphor, those are the people I want in my life, the ones I can tell that I have a feeling of 'less than', and they will not only accept me anyway but help me not feel that way, and the only way to really find out what reaction I'm going to get is by letting fly with my truth.  Life's too short to fck around anymore, and I wasted too much time with her, time to start living all the way, keep the supportive ones, and screw the rest.

[heartandwhole]

heartandwhole, timing is impeccable.

My broken toes: unlovable, undeserving, and not enough (and not 100%/whole).

I protect them by avoiding big risks (i.e. loss of job) by not saying what I really think, staying in a relationship where I am unloved, only telling people about my weaknesses/imperfections after they don’t feel so vulnerable anymore (i.e. post-therapy or already improving), suppressing things I don’t like about myself, and judging what I don’t like about myself in others (logical validation: if they are bad for the same trait, then I must be too).

I was just triggered yesterday at work. I was on a temporary developmental assignment and on my last day (with an offered extension with promotion to be effective soon). My team including my supervisor ganged up on me out of the blue and completely tried to discredit my work in front of the customer that took months to gain just a little trust in my work. After I ended the call prematurely out of frustration, I just cried and then e-mailed everyone that I turned down the extension with a promotion (due to being very hurt by team and unprofessionalism). Part of me really doesn’t want to go back to that team and another part realized my unlovable and ‘not good enough’ broken toes were stepped on. So, I am deciding if I ask if they will take me back and ‘ride it out’ in the discomfort to see if my efforts can come true. Ugh.

Thanks for sharing.

dontknow2,

Yikes!  That is difficult, I'm sorry to hear about what happened at work.  Those kinds of situations definitely step on my broken toe, and it's very hard for me *not* to react immediately. 

It's been a few days, what has happened since?

In the book it says that when we are triggered like that, we might try to stop immediately and instead of our habitual reaction, do the opposite (so if we habitually lash out, take a breather; if we usually shut down, stay open, etc.), and then focus on ourselves, instead of the other.  Easier said than done    but a great practice.

[heartandwhole]

Yeah, I can relate.  My core deal has always been a feeling that I'm 'less than' or 'not good enough'.  To expand on your toe metaphor, lately I've been in 'I just don't give a fck' mode; I tell people my damn toe is broken.  Some, like my ex, stomp on it with glee, some people are unsupportive, and some people say the equivalent that they're sorry and they avoid stepping on it.  They toe the line so to speak.  Coming back from metaphor, those are the people I want in my life, the ones I can tell that I have a feeling of 'less than', and they will not only accept me anyway but help me not feel that way, and the only way to really find out what reaction I'm going to get is by letting fly with my truth.  Life's too short to fck around anymore, and I wasted too much time with her, time to start living all the way, keep the supportive ones, and screw the rest.

Hi fromheeltoheal,

Thanks for chiming in.  I know what you mean about surrounding yourself with supportive people, and I think it's great that you are able to share your vulnerability with them.  That is hard for me.  Sometimes I wish we could just bust through the masks and introduce ourselves as "Hi, I sometimes feel that I am unlovable, and that there is something wrong with me," just to give people a heads up.

Kidding aside, though, I know that my broken toe is going to be stepped on, no matter how understanding the people around me.  So, freedom for me is not armoring myself against the inevitable step-on, or requiring people to "be careful," but being able to feel those feelings and come out the other side.  And of course, that may include a natural shifting of relationships, too.  The feelings haven't killed me yet, and the more I work through them, the less "sticky" they become, if that makes sense.  

The challenge for me is to remember to look at my foot more than theirs.   Growing pains!

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks for chiming in.  I know what you mean about surrounding yourself with supportive people, and I think it's great that you are able to share your vulnerability with them.  That is hard for me.  Sometimes I wish we could just bust through the masks and introduce ourselves as "Hi, I sometimes feel that I am unlovable, and that there is something wrong with me," just to give people a heads up.

Yeah, it's hard for me too, but I've been practicing doing it anyway.  My experience is everyone feels they're unlovable and that something is wrong with them at one time or another, or all the time, or somewhere in between, and I can engage in superficial communication with people, but that just feels so empty.  Life is on the other side of that, and I'm really done with superficial.  One tack is to share a little about ourselves, see what we get, share more, build slowly.  I've been taking another tack: let fly with who I am at my core and see what happens.  I can't say that I'm good at it yet, but it does get to the meat of what's going on between me and someone, and it's been a good tool for getting rid of people I don't need in my life, at least.  Stay tuned for updates... .

The challenge for me is to remember to look at my foot more than theirs.  Growing pains!  Great point!  New for me too; growing pains are what weakness feels like when it's leaving.

Thanks H&W

[dontknow2]

It's been a few days, what has happened since?

In the book it says that when we are triggered like that, we might try to stop immediately and instead of our habitual reaction, do the opposite (so if we habitually lash out, take a breather; if we usually shut down, stay open, etc.), and then focus on ourselves, instead of the other.  Easier said than done    but a great practice.

Hello heartandwhole,

With my tail between my legs, I did ask if the temporary promotion is still an option for me (after I said yes after paperwork was submitted and then no). It was confirmed I have until tomorrow to decide. I do appreciate the idea about doing the opposite of my habitual reaction (my typical reaction when things get really bad, and have the option, is to run away). In this situation, I am confused. If I don't take the temporary promotion (run away?), I get to go back to the team that I love (going to) but lose the promotion. After reading this though, I think it is pretty cool that I have 2 options both with pros and cons in this job market. There are many people who don't even have options for employment much less ones with more money. I am feeling grateful. Thank you.

[seeking balance]

Good topic

My broken toe:  not enough

My coping:  perfectionism (in myself)

What I am learning, slow down and be in the moment so I can be mindful when my broken toe may be flaring up.  Sometimes I really have to challenge my thinking (DBT skill) when I find myself angry or feeling defensive.

Waiting to confront versus reacting has helped me be more mindful.  I also have learned to let myself be angry and have boundaries when someone really isn't taking responsibility for their own actions or emotions - it is not up to me to regulate another adult.  I also can "mess up" and it isn't the end of the world nor is everything my fault.

[ziniztar]

Ok let me think about this one... .

Broken toe: I'm unimportant, my needs don't care.

Coping mechanism: I make myself useful. At work, at a sports club, as a roommate, as a friend, as a daughter.

When I step up and signal my need and someone ignores it, I get super super super frustrated and angry. Instead of leaving it alone, I dive into it to get it. That never really worked for me . Especially when it comes to attention. When I'm not getting it enough, I've learned to walk away. Not only does that not push the other person away, it also affects the way their attention enters my mind when I finally get it. When I've asked for it I don't really believe it. When they come to me all by themselves, it feels like a mega-validation.

The hard part about that is to find out what is "enough" or a "normal amount" of attention. I think I've somewhat figured it out with my friends, as I don't get upset at them anymore when they cancel on a party or date. Trying to incorporate that into my relationship with dBPDbf now.

[heartandwhole]

Good topic

it is not up to me to regulate another adult. 

I love this, SB.  Very wise words and a great reminder for me.  Thanks for sharing. 

[heartandwhole]

Broken toe: I'm unimportant, my needs don't care.

Coping mechanism: I make myself useful. At work, at a sports club, as a roommate, as a friend, as a daughter.

Boy, can I relate to the "my needs don't matter" issue.  And I resonate with your strategy to become useful.  It seems many of us, especially "caretakers," are obsessed with doing, doing, doing to feel worthwhile.  I feel my true self is definitely a "be-er," though, so it's exhausting sometimes! 

Ziniztar, do you think your frustration in response to not getting enough attention is a call for you to pay more attention to your needs?  I find that I really have to practice focusing on my emotional needs, it doesn't come naturally in many situations.

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

[pilgrim]

Four years ago I had a real broken toe (two, actually) resulting from a head on freeway collision while riding a motorcycle.  Unskillful surgery resulted in a permanently crooked toe.  I chose to leave it that way in order to remind myself how grateful I was to be alive and relatively unharmed after the accident.

My lifelong other "broken toe" was feeling like damaged goods.  I was on disability for OCD when I met my uBPDxw, and I was deeply ashamed of it.  She referred to my diagnosis, withdrawal from the practice of law and getting treatment / disability as "your failure," reinforcing my shame. 

Much later I realized the feeling of being damaged goods was also from being raised by uBPD mom, from being humiliated and beaten as a child with undiagnosed Tourette's syndrome and later feeling like I didn't achieve enough professionally, not financially stable, something which we men are especially vulnerable to.

My coping mechanisms: perfectionism (the OCD) and isolation (social anxiety).

Accepting myself as I am, accepting what happened in my life (I'm 54), accepting the choices I made and their consequences, daily reminding myself to let go of the past and focus on today . . . This is my current challenge.

Biblical wisdom and meditation helps.

Thanks for this post.

[heartandwhole]

Four years ago I had a real broken toe (two, actually) resulting from a head on freeway collision while riding a motorcycle.  Unskillful surgery resulted in a permanently crooked toe.  I chose to leave it that way in order to remind myself how grateful I was to be alive and relatively unharmed after the accident.

My lifelong other "broken toe" was feeling like damaged goods.  I was on disability for OCD when I met my uBPDxw, and I was deeply ashamed of it.  She referred to my diagnosis, withdrawal from the practice of law and getting treatment / disability as "your failure," reinforcing my shame. 

Much later I realized the feeling of being damaged goods was also from being raised by uBPD mom, from being humiliated and beaten as a child with undiagnosed Tourette's syndrome and later feeling like I didn't achieve enough professionally, not financially stable, something which we men are especially vulnerable to.

My coping mechanisms: perfectionism (the OCD) and isolation (social anxiety).

Accepting myself as I am, accepting what happened in my life (I'm 54), accepting the choices I made and their consequences, daily reminding myself to let go of the past and focus on today . . . This is my current challenge.

Biblical wisdom and meditation helps.

Thanks for this post.

Hi pilgrim,

I was going to highlight some of your post and respond, but there is so much wisdom in it, I just had to quote the whole thing.  I admire your ability to accept your choices and to still work on your issues, especially after what you have gone through.

Have you found any lessening of the perfectionism or isolating with this awareness?  I agree that focusing on the present is a challenge, but when I am able to do it, it feels like a new life in that instant. 

I agree that meditation is a wonderful tool for growth and focusing on the present.  Another practice that really helps me stay present is focusing on my breathing and the sensations in my body.

Thanks for sharing.

[ziniztar]

Ziniztar, do you think your frustration in response to not getting enough attention is a call for you to pay more attention to your needs?  I find that I really have to practice focusing on my emotional needs, it doesn't come naturally in many situations.

Good one. I do think it is, yes. Usually when I feel I'm not getting enough attention I feel entitled to receive help from someone and I'm not getting it. This same applies to the relationship I have with my brothers by the way. At home we all dance the Karpman dance in nice triangles and I'm trying to step away from it. I've also noticed these thoughts with good friends - anyone I have attached to really. That oneliner that says that we choose partners with a same level of emotional maturity didn't resonate with me at first - I thought I was very mature. I am, in a 'functional' kind of way, but not when it comes to human needs/emotions/relationships.

I find it really hard to pay attention to my needs because I've never learned to recognize them. Also, I feel a great deal of fear when expressing them; afraid to lose the people that I express my needs to because they'll think I'm not fun/perfect/capable enough anymore. Fear of being a burdon. And then there's the anger, when I do express them and someone chooses to ignore them. Do I then have to abandon that person?

Slowly I'm learning here that my own needs are invaluable. I had to learn that lesson a few years ago because of a (now chronic) ankle injury. It means I can't be the person I used to be, I have to go home early, can't join some activities, have to say no sometimes... being a burdon really . Luckily I've noticed that some friends respond really well, that helps.

How have you drawn more attention to your needs?

[heartandwhole]

Ziniztar, I relate to so much of what you have written here.  I definitely know the Karpman dance – my brother, mother and I used to do it regularly. 

I also have a tough time expressing my needs, for similar reasons to yours.  One, I don't know what they are, and two, they aren't going to get met by anyone else anyway, so why bother? 

How have you drawn more attention to your needs?

I've been trying simply to pay more attention to my emotional needs.  It's definitely a work in progress.  I started out by writing out conversations with my "little heartandwhole," which was very helpful in showing me the needs I have repressed for so long.  It takes practice, though, for me to remember to check in with myself regularly.  I remember reading about a man who was so out of touch with his needs, that his therapist told him to set a timer on his watch.  Every time it beeped (on the hour, I think), he was supposed to ask himself what he needed right then.  Might be a good practice!

[Surnia]

I am late here and I can relate to many things here - great thread. 

The "not enough" is my broken toe as well.

And yes, perfectionism toward myself and being there and doing things for others... .

I remember reading about a man who was so out of touch with his needs, that his therapist told him to set a timer on his watch.  Every time it beeped (on the hour, I think), he was supposed to ask himself what he needed right then.

o yes... . I have days I forget to drink... . a very elementary need. Thats always a bit of a sign that I am not in balance.

its a bit better for me since I am living alone. So there are times no one is around needing me - which gives me naturally breaks.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Love this thread. Describes me perfectly...

this helped a little piece of me move on.

[clairedair]

My broken toe:  not enough

My coping:  perfectionism (in myself)

Same here.  At home and at work.  I placed higher expectations on myself than others.  At my last job interview, I told them I was a 'reformed perfectionist' ! Got the job and I am enjoying working in an environment where I feel 'good enough' without having to be Wonder Woman. Have the odd relapse but getting better!

I also have learned to let myself be angry and have boundaries when someone really isn't taking responsibility for their own actions or emotions - it is not up to me to regulate another adult.  I also can "mess up" and it isn't the end of the world nor is everything my fault.

I was thinking this week about trying to get some answers from ex during a conversation last year.  He told me that my feelings were not his responsibility.  I felt I couldn't say anything else after that.  it took me to this week to work out that what I wanted was not for him to take responsibility for my feelings (in this he was right - we can only take responsibility for our own feelings).  What I wanted and still want and need, was for him to take responsibility for his actions. I feel very angry at times and am trying to feel angry and not discount it.   What I struggle with just now is having this need for him to take responsibility but knowing that this need will remain unmet.  I have to find a way to meet that need without his input.

I find it really hard to pay attention to my needs because I've never learned to recognize them. Also, I feel a great deal of fear when expressing them; afraid to lose the people that I express my needs to because they'll think I'm not fun/perfect/capable enough anymore. Fear of being a burdon. And then there's the anger, when I do express them and someone chooses to ignore them. Do I then have to abandon that person?

This is familiar Ziniztar - the fear of losing others (this was the case with exH - the real risk that expressing my need would mean him leaving as it happened several times) or fear of losing other's good opinion (family, work colleagues). In answer to your question, I wouldn't want to abandon someone who had ignored my expressed needs but if they repeatedly did so and you'd explained that this was hurtful, i would think about distancing myself.

I think the 'not good enough' feelings and being uncomfortable expressing anger will be very common around here.

Really helpful thread.