sometimes i just feel so angry

[corraline]

Every day i walk past a sandwich board that advertises a mens group that my ex belongs to.  His friend offers counseling in their centre there.  They mentor boys to become men as well and my ex is part of this.

Their group and website advocates for men becoming healthier and stronger and also supports violence and abuse against women.  My ex has done radio promos for them and is a senior member.  I just get soo angry because its just such an unbelievable blatant bs persona that he is putting on.  I mean do these guys even have any idea of who he is?  It's not just me he has abused. He has an unbelievable disregard for women.   I have been violated in so many vicious ways and to see him parade himself as a noble man who is fighting a cause for men disgusts me.

its all i can do to keep my mouth shut at times. Every time i walk past that sandwich board i get triggered.

i don't get to my anger often, but its here big time right now!

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi corraline,

I know the feeling well.  I am coming (with the help of my T) to the point where I realize that my uBPDexw is going to continue being the person I know in truth for the rest of her life... . getting people to fawn over her, presenting herself like such a kind and charming person, somehow manipulating and getting others to completely revolve around her and tell her what a great person she is, having people I care about get swept up into being obsessed with her, etc.  My T says that the dynamic of BPD/NPD peope *is* to get everyone obsessed with and wrapped up into them -doesn't matter if it is positively or negatively.

All I can do, however, is stop being obsessed with her, myself... . and when I am fuming and all caught up with how bad she is and how everybody else is buying her BS, I'm feeding my own obsession.  In other words, I'm as bad as everybody else.  I may see the truth about her, and my feelings may be primarily anger and resentment rather than a fawning, blind indulgence, but I'm still wrapped up in her like everybody else.

And there is a point -a phase in our healing- that means we face all of our anger and see things as they are, but it reaches a point where it goes too far and we sit and bitterly ruminate about how terrible they are.  

Anger... . pain... . impossible to not be triggered by their b/s.  But we need to let it come in like a wave, and then let it go as well. We both need to reach the point where we stop drinking the coolaid of being obsessed with them.  They aren't going to change.  We can know the truth, but we, for our own sakes, need to blaze a new path and let it go.  Whenever we feel the urge to perseverate and torture ourselves with what liars they are and how awful it is that everyone thinks they are wonderful, we need to refuse to take a "drink" from that bottle... . knowing it only serves to hurt us further and keep us away from getting healthier.

[corraline]

thanks out of egypt

you are absolutely correct.  i can usually manage it, ... . today i am more triggered.

i work so hard on detaching and letting go, im just not there all the way... .

sometimes i wish it would just all go away.  NOW!

going to the gym soon. sure that'll help. overdue on that one

[OutOfEgypt]

rock on

[Mutt]

Their group and website advocates for men becoming healthier and stronger and also supports violence and abuse against women.

I'm sorry coralline. You have a right to be disgusted and feel violated for what he did. There is nothing healthy or strong if you are an advocate for violence or abuse. It's unhealthy and weak.

parade himself as a noble man

You're right. It's an illusion, he's a charlaten.

Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.” ― Brené Brown

[corraline]

thanks mutt

he is not the only one who creates illusion in this group.  his friend who runs it in my town sexually violated my girlfriend and he is married.  i know this for fact. i saw his pathetic apology on email to her. he told her that he just didn't know what came over him.  she was devastated.  my ex tried to make out that it was her fault .  of course.

He is married and parading around like a great guy in our community. haven't made my way to the gym yet.  leaving soon.  i need it .

[corraline]

Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.” ― Brené Brown

good one, thanks mutt

[Mutt]

Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.” ― Brené Brown

good one, thanks mutt

You're welcome corraline. The truth has a way of working itself out.

[cosmonaut]

I know what you mean, corraline.  I can't believe how strong the emotions still are 5 months later.  This is insane, isn't it?  In some ways, I feel this is the lowest point so far.  The intensity isn't as sharp, but the pain is deeper.  I hope that this is the bottom.  I guess this is what abandonment depression is?

I keep getting triggered too, and I feel angry and incredibly hurt.  The hurt is the root emotion.  I am convinced I have PTSD.  I'm really angry with myself about that.  I know that's really stupid and counterproductive, but I am.  My therapist has also been increasingly coming to realize how deep this has gone and how seriously this has affected me.  I am haunted by my ex.  I don't know how to get her out of my head, let alone my heart.  Some days are better, but some days are still really tough.  I had thought that I'd be past all this by this point.  It's clearly going to be a while longer.  I think it will take a year or more.   This is a long road.  Know that you are not at all alone in feeling this way.

I'm so sorry to hear about your abusive ex.  :'(  That has to be infuriating that he wears this mantle of nobility and great mental health.  He is such a fraud.  That makes me so angry.  I imagine you must feel so much more angry.  It would be triggering for anyone to be reminded of that.  I am dealing with some secondary trauma from my ex.  She shared some extremely disturbing things with me, and it has had a profound effect on me.  More than I had realized.  I can be badly triggered by things.  Certain news stories, certain other things.  It brings it all back.  My ex sobbing hysterically on the floor - not letting me touch her or even wanting me to look at her.  I can't fully imagine what you must feel, but I think I can understand a little of it.  I'm sorry so for what you are going through, corraline.  Sending you        

[corraline]

thank you cosmo

yes there are so many layers to this.  I think for me i had to unravel my head which is a very slow process, now i am getting to the heart of the matter more.  We just have to give ourselves permission to go through it and compassion in all of this.  I am so grateful for all of you here.

Hugs back to you cosmo  

[goldylamont]

Corraline, outofegypt, Cosmo and others, such great posts. Dealing with the anger and underlying pain of realizing how fake our ex's can be I feel is the trickiest part of recovery. The reason is because our anger is justified--we know we are right about them. Yet the bitter pill to swallow is that the anger no longer serves our greater purpose so our work is to move on.

I wouldn't think about having a full recovery from this in just a few months out of this type of r/s, seriously don't be mad at yourself for being mad at them after a fee months. Do a self checkup after a year, anger is still there but less. Check again after 2 years, then at year 3. You will notice improvements. But 5 months? No you may be in the middle of your anger building and reaching it's apex, things are still raw for you. Stay diligent and know your goal is to let the anger flow out of you and lessen over time. But it doesn't serve you to find fault in yourself because consciously you are rushing the timeline.

I'm two years out. In such a better position. So much less anger, but there's still some there. My task now is to stay vigilant and aware of this--a year or 18 months ago I would be so angry so I knew I had to work on myself and I did. But now the challenge is to not stop this work. My anger is far less intrusive in my life so it's easier to accept as a part of me. But I refuse. Even if it isn't debilitating like it rightfully was before I still have work to do.

So just know that your anger will build and recede many times on the arc of recovery. And you will begin to see that many others here who aren't so angry yet simply aren't as far along in their recovery as you.

I always like to say something personal as I feel sharing helps us all be more aware. I have a recurring anger fantasy now that I'm trying to let go of. Trust me it's **very mild compared to where I was a year ago. 18 months ago I created an anger fantasy where my ex would come to my house wanting reconciliation and I would wait for her to get close whilst hiding a bunch of eggs. Then I I would pelt her with the eggs and she would slip and fall on the ground and I'd keep throwing eggs at her as she cried out apologies for her transgressions! Damn you woman! Lol it really is funny to me now. I had created this fantasy as a safe way to channel my anger where I could take out my frustration to hurt and defraud her without the guilt of doing long term damage to her.

Years later the recurring fantasy is much less intense, so I can see improvement. I keep dreaming of being at my neighbors house and running into my ex's family members, her brother or mom. I really liked her family and vice versa. And I would tell them what a nasty person she was and how uncomfortable it was at first when she stalkishly moved back in my neighborhood after lying to friends saying I was the Antichrist. Hah, and I know I don't need to do this, its just a fantasy, so this is the latest thing I need to let go of--two years out even. But much less intense than before. Its an improvement I hope sharing this can give you some context. Best wishes to all on your recovery! If you are pissed off it sucks but trust that you are ahead of the game of those who are not.

[corraline]

thanks goldy

thats a very honest post and i appreciate that you are willing to share your anger fantasy ! cool.

i find that i work thru anger when i listen to certain kinds of angry intense music. I just let myself feel the intensity with it.  that can be my channel.

the gym is helping too. 

[myself]

Dealing with the anger and underlying pain of realizing how fake our ex's can be I feel is the trickiest part of recovery.

This is what I've been facing lately. It's been like pulling at loose strings, finding the whole thing falls apart. If this wasn't true, then that probably wasn't either. Being 'fake', even for 'survival' reasons, is being dishonest with the person you're supposedly being 'real' with. Which plays out like betrayal.

[Red Sky]

I love the anger fantasy! My anger fantasies (wrt uNPDexbf) are way, way worse than that. May have to try re-imagining now... .

It is a horrifying thing that your ex is doing. I wonder whether the need to get involved in changing others' minds is somehow based in the fact that people with a PD will have a distorted sense of reality. Nons feel that if you do the same thing you should get a similar reaction from a person each time you do it, right? It's why our interactions with people with personality disorders are confusing... . Because they don't have that consistency. If you have an undiagnosed PD, would you see the whole world the way that we see our interactions with pwPDs? Because if so, it makes it easier to see how they could want to, I don't know, try to guide people, influence people to try and make the world make sense to them.

My exbf is a feminist campaigner and even today this fact really gets to me. (Saying that he treats male and female partners equally badly  )

[goldylamont]

really happy that sharing this may have helped someone. you know my egging fantasy was probably the first one that i was "ok" with--meaning that i had much worse fantasies as my ego tried to rebuild itself. some of these were scary, things you don't want to share. the beauty of the egg fantasy for me was it's resourcefulness since when it did come up i could safely go through the fantasy with as much intense anger as i could muster, and the end result would be what i needed at the time (to feel that she was in pain), but the only real damage would be a bunch of broken eggs some fantasies i had though i had to check myself so as to not go too far down the rabbit hole--so in a way my egg fantasy came as a relief and i would go to town with it.

on a pragmatic level anger is simply a configuration of energy, a very excited active state of energy. i'm sure they are able to glimpse at this using an MRI or imaging technology. so we have to find ways to dissipate this energy so that it doesn't build up. listening to music and working out are great for this. "safe" anger fantasies i think are also useful. for me, fast/aggressive swimming and then doing a sauna/meditating were very helpful. there is another technique i found called "burning contracts" which i've written about that was extremely helpful. bottom line is we have to find ways to honor and respect your anger--allow it to express itself with as much intensity and vitriol as it needs, just be smart and do it in a safe way.

[patientandclear]

Corraline, I think your anger on this particular point is really important.  It is an important piece of re-telling the story to yourself of who he is and thus, what the r/ship between the two of you was and could have been.

My ex has shown up as quite the philosopher in the months and years since he gained my trust by saying all kinds of things that he then made no effort to follow through on and had previously (and has now subsequently) promised to so many others.

When we first got together he led me to believe he shared my values of loyalty and commitment.  But now, he has an expressed and very convenient philosophy that we need to not grasp and hang on to people and experiences past their expiration date.  He puts this forward as a sort of Buddhist non-attachment philosophy.  But to me, he is rationalizing irresponsibility toward others from whom he has asked a great deal.

It angers me much more that he cloaks his cyclical emotional injuring of women in this mantle of enlightenment.  So I get why the sandwich board would be infuriating.  Hold onto that?  That understanding of the false front he puts on should help a lot in feeling OK that it is over.  I can't miss someone as much who uses such rationalizations for hurting others.

[corraline]

When we first got together he led me to believe he shared my values of loyalty and commitment.  But now, he has an expressed and very convenient philosophy that we need to not grasp and hang on to people and experiences past their expiration date.  He puts this forward as a sort of Buddhist non-attachment philosophy.  But to me, he is rationalizing irresponsibility toward others from whom he has asked a great deal.


thank you patient and clear.  the above that you shared is exactly my experience with my ex.  He also played the buddhist non attachment thing to me to rationalize his irresponsibility. i punished myself relentlessly that i could not just "be" there with him.

[Red Sky]

I know that feeling! That you kind of accept things you're not comfortable with because it feels like they're coming from a more mature or enlightened stance?

Aaaargh.

[corraline]

Red sky

i join you    AAAARRRRGGGHHH !

[Red Sky]

I have a few classics on this. The feminist quite often left me alone in rough parts of town 'because it wouldn't be very equal to ask a man to walk you home, would it? Then I would have to walk back alone' and because 'we should focus on stopping people from attacking women, rather than focusing on protecting women from attacks.'

[Blimblam]

When we first got together he led me to believe he shared my values of loyalty and commitment.  But now, he has an expressed and very convenient philosophy that we need to not grasp and hang on to people and experiences past their expiration date.  He puts this forward as a sort of Buddhist non-attachment philosophy.  But to me, he is rationalizing irresponsibility toward others from whom he has asked a great deal.


thank you patient and clear.  the above that you shared is exactly my experience with my ex.  He also played the buddhist non attachment thing to me to rationalize his irresponsibility. i punished myself relentlessly that i could not just "be" there with him.

Yeah, I know this nonsense!  My ex used the non attachment positive thinking stuff too.  It confused me and upset me to no end.  I guess it's just more evidence of how they lie to themselves.