Need help writing a letter to my BPD sister / General BPD advice /New at posting

[ivy107]

Hello Together,

This is my first time every posting about this subject online. I don't really know where to begin, but to say that my relationship with my younger sister has been more than challenging, frustrating, heartbreaking and disappointing since I have been about 15 years old. I found out while I was in high school that she was lying about me to her friends making up totally random stories about me, making me sound like a total fool and a horrible sister, no reasons given as to why she was saying any of these things. She also hacked into my email at the time and starting to online chat with my first real crush (I want to say I loved him for as much as I could have at the time) who went to a different school (eventually having me walk into our house and seeing him sitting on the couch when I had never met the guy before (this was back in the day when AOL was still cool) was a huge shock to my system, especially when you're 16 and boy shy. I think this experience ruined my dating life for the next few years to say the least. I also had just been on a date with someone and my sister knew this and the first thing she asked me when I walked into the room was "How was your date?".

Over the years there have been random bouts of radio silence where I don't hear anything from her for weeks, then she calls me daily and only talks about herself, she didn't bother coming to my college graduation, she wrote me a five page letter about what a horrible sister I was when we lived together for six months (the WORST six months of my life), she's had several outbursts in front of me, called me a b___ several times and also once told me she wanted to push me off a cliff (twice I had to go home to a friend’s house instead of staying with her), I've had to keep her from cutting herself further and help her mend her wounds after she’s burnt herself, I almost drove 4 hours in the middle of the night to rescue her after she called me bawling when I was still in college... .I’ve never felt like she’s truly interested in having a healthy relationship with me or that I can ever trust her. I don’t believe most stories she tells me. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells when I talk with her because saying one wrong thing can set her off. She has picked at me in the past and insulted my personality and my dreams. I’ve stopped telling her about my plans for my life because I know I will just hear something negative. Anytime I even mention anything about a guy she immediately makes a scoffing noise like, “Oh, not this ___ again,” like I am unworthy of being loved. She has slept with more people than I care to know and has a history of cheating and being promiscuous. Every new guy she meets is always the best, the smartest, the most amazing, the best looking, etc. But heaven forbid I mention anything about a guy to her, that’s not allowed. I can be overly sensitive, partly due to her constant criticism and lack of interest in my well-being, I would imagine.

I now am living abroad and have been away for six months. The first few weeks we had more contact, but after that it's pretty much dropped off. She sent me what I like to call a "Terror Text Message", aka "I"m in the hospital"... .then she doesn't answer her phone for five minutes while I freak out and then she finally calls me back and says her friend is in the hospital, she's fine. Right. She called me last month out of the blue and said she was going to come visit me in October (not first asking me what my plans might be, imagine me having my own life) and I said that would be great but that I already had a set week planned in October to go to Spain with my best friend. She freaked out and starting saying things like, "You're friends are more important than your sister," and making threats along those lines and then hung up on me. Since that episode we have had a little contact, but now she has a new boyfriend (she can never, ever be alone) and I haven't heard a word from her in over a month. I used to send her funny FB messages, but I would never get a response even though she sometimes posts 4-5 times a day.

I'm realizing now more than ever that I will never have a normal relationship with my sister. I have been to therapy to talk about how growing up with her has affected my self-esteem and I have to say that having no contact with her is the most rewarding thing for me, as much as I HATE to have it be this way. The last two times we talked I kept waiting for her to ASK ME ONE QUESTION about myself, what I am doing for work here, how I am liking living abroad, but I got nothing. I'm scared for the future, what happens if I have kids or a husband, how do I explain my sister to them? It's been embarrassing in the past when exes have met her, she's always been super rude to them and snobby.

So, this brings me to my post: I want to write her a letter and let her know how I feel, that I am deciding to break off contact with her unless she wants to be in my life and that I am worried about her. When I was at our mom's before I moved we talked about her together with our stepdad and they both know and agree she is mentally ill, but they don't have the willpower to see that she gets some help. I should point out she has been to therapy a few times here and there in her life but one time it was with a friend of hers (great idea) and the other therapist I actually met because my sister said she wanted to meet me (I wonder what kind of lies she told that woman about me, I can only imagine?) and I realized almost immediately that my sister had that therapist wrapped around her little finger. She is also taking anti-depressants (last I heard, but she decides every few months that she doesn't need them and usually ends up having a manic episode of some kind). Our dad committed suicide when we were younger and I know my sister was a daddies girl. She was also horribly bullied in school to the point where my mom had to switch schools for her. I would really appreciate any advice, insight, similar stories... .Thank you! 

[Turkish]

Hello ivy107,

I'm glad you found us!

It's so difficult with struggling to get validation from an invalidating person. She sounds emotionally enmeshed with you, like she's seeking validation of herself by unhealthy attachmemt to you. I'm sorry that you have been the target of her anger and outrageous behaviors. She seems to have no problem seeking you out for "rescues" when she sees fit. This is the struggle in having a relationship with an emotionally limited person (see here for more on that).

She is who she is, as we are all who we are. It's natural to feel responsible for her. She's your little sis after all, no matter her behaviors. NC or LC is a boundary, and a way to protect yourself. It doesn't sound like she is a physical danger to you, so it's like you will have some contact. Maybe you can get something from this discussion:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Concerning the letter, based upon the stories you tell, it's likely to be read by blind eyes, blinded by the pain in her heart and the sickness in her mind. You're probably correct that your dad's suicide (abandonment) was a huge trigger for her, and she's been dealing with that by unhealthy coping mechansims and anger. I'm sorry that he left you like that, it must have been a horrible time.

Typically, communication with a pwBPD (person with BPD) involves a lot of validation. Sometimes, the BIFF response is best: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm (see here for more).

Send it if you must, but I would expect only that which she is able to give in return. I would encourage you to write it anyway for yourself.

Turkish

[HappyChappy]

Concerning the letter, based upon the stories you tell, it's likely to be read by blind eyes, blinded by the pain in her heart and the sickness in her mind.

Typically, communication with a pwBPD (person with BPD) involves a lot of validation. Sometimes, the BIFF response is best: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm (see here for more).

I would expect only that which she is able to give in return. I would encourage you to write it anyway for yourself.

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles, you clearly have a lot to deal with. But I would agree with the above. Ruminating over what to say, because we're "walking on eggshells" is understandable. But a BPD has an inner script,  for which the “right words” don’t exist and won’t change.  But you can change how you see it, and how you deal with it. If you send the letter do it for yourself. Write it and don’t send it for a few days. For me, writing it is enough and when I sent them I always regretted it. Best of luck.

[Corpal74]

Write the letter but understand it is only the beginning of the solution and not the solution itself. You are making yourself heard which is sticking up for yourself. Be prepared that it will probably set her off and twist everything you say. What works best for me is boundaries. I will walk away and hang up whenever she gets out of line. I think you will learn that once you set boundaries for yourself. This is so you can put your mental health and well being first. I speak firmly to my mom with short sentences repeating it a few times of needed. I will love you and be there for you but I will not... .Its an example of what you can say. I find since they live in a world that they are the victom if you explain how you are not trying to hurt them this is how I felt and it wasn't about you can be effective. Honestly 75 percent of the time it doesn't work, but with a combination of firmness and persistence in setting boundaries so you can take care of your own mental health... things will get better, and if you decide to continue the relationship understand not to expect too much. But if you have those boundaries in place the relationship can be less difficult.

Also I find, like children they like to see what they can get away with.

Hope things go well

[ivy107]

Thank you so much to the three of you who responded! I never got an alert from BPD that someone had responded to my post so I assumed no had and never checked back on the website. I have had some more contact with my sister, but it's still the same sort of stuff as it was a few months ago. I am actually going to visit my family in the states next month and plan on telling her the ways I will be there for her and the ways I no longer will be. I agree it's not a good idea to give her the letter, it will be read with blind eyes and better to write it for myself. Thank you again for the kind responses! They will surely help me with this next step