How to combat BPD BM's psychological abuse?

[PinkieV]

My SS's BM has been out of jail for three weeks. Since then, he has shut down with his counselor. The counselor told DH today that SS has been thoroughly brainwashed. He gets to a certain point and just shuts down.

We are able to monitor FB, but not his phone. We don't believe he has even spoken with her that often, but it's been enough to spook him badly. We have the final custody hearing in three weeks, but are trying to settle before that. However, now we're inclined to re-think settling too easy because she's preying on him. But we don't want that to backfire and the judge think we're not cooperating.

We live two states away, so there will be limited visitation. However, he may have his first visitation right after the trial date, and we're really becoming afraid of what will happen in that three weeks. He is immature for his age, and very guileless. He wants to stay with us, but believes everything she says. Our only hope is to have his brother sit him down and talk to him when he comes down to visit next week. That and have the counselor tell him that SS18 has told DH things that happened when they lived with BM to help him open up since she already knows. In fact DH is contacting the counselor tonight to see if she's available to see both the boys together.

We're just not sure what to do to try to protect him!

[Nope]

Having the boys sit down with the counselor together is a great plan! If your SS sees his older brother will tell the counselor things then SS will know it is safe to do so.

Conflicting message can be really hard for a child to process. Kids are concrete thinkers for the most part. This means that when an adult authority figure says something it must be true. If two adult authority figures are saying two different things, or if one is saying things that the child can see for himself are not true, then the confusion can cause a shutdown or acting out.

At the very least if he can let the counselor in on what she is saying, then she can guide him through reaching his own conclusions and eventually learning to cope with her better.

[Matt]

Sounds like the counselor is one key to this.

Have you tried talking with SS openly about this?  Will he talk about his mother at all?

Are you talking about SS18 or is that the older brother?  How old are both boys?

One option might be to tell your lawyer - and the judge - very openly what is going on.  Do you think his counselor would be willing to talk to the judge too?  Maybe say, "Since BM got out of jail SS is not doing well.  He needs to be protected from her until he is ready to talk to her.  So let's have only supervised contact for now, with a professional present to monitor what is said.  Then when he is older he can decide when to talk to her."

What do you think BM says to SS that makes him so scared?