A glimpse of the witch

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was horribly co-dependent for many years with my BPD mother.  I was her golden child... . but not always, she could be the nastiest and meanest person in the world to me when she hated me.

For the past 7 years I have stopped sharing anything of importance with her, just kept it all light hearted and tried to be as supportive as possible, without getting sucked into her dramas, which are one after the after. 

Because before that, any problem that I would have, I would share it with her, hoping for her support, but it always became her problem and would turn into a major catastrophy.  For instance, when my marriage broke down 10 years ago, she was so stressed out with worry for me, hmmmm, she ended up having a nervous breakdown and it was all caused because of my breakup, which I coped fine about, she didn't.  When my daughter was killed 7 years ago in a car accident, again, I needed her and she couldn't be the Mother I needed.  Sure, she cried and hugged me, but she kept saying it was her baby that was killed, she again ended up in hospital, with all the doctors and nurses giving her the attention she craved, while here I was, nearly dying from my grief, and she says to me "I wish I was like you, strong"... .

you're so lucky... . that was the day I detached... .

Anyway, at the moment I'm going through some very hard financial times, and she has found out and is using this to her advantage.  She has been demanding I move back in with her, to get back on my feet.  She has paid a few of my bills, and the worst thing is I have had to ask her for money here and there... . purely from desperation.  So, suddently she feels she has this control over me again, and I am fighting to keep my distance but not cause a problem because unfortunately I do need her help at the moment.

Today I went over to visit her.  She lives alone.  She is 74 years old and no major health issues, but even though she says everytime I see her, well I don't have much longer left on this earth

and you girls (my sisters) will soon have everything, so you won't have the struggles and worry that I had to live with my whole life.

Not wanting this story to go on forever, but at the moment her youngest brother is dying of terminal cancer.  We have always been very lcose to this uncle, he's like a brother to my sisters and I.  Anyway she has had a big falling out with her other two brothers because of the Will.  Oh my, it's turning ugly.  Her other two brothers are quite well off, and I've spent my whole life hearing how selfish they are for not helping her more etc... . how hard her life has been and how lucky they are... . so now one of her brothers is questioning the wording in the Will, which leaves the majority to my Mother and she is furious.  She said she hates him and will never forgive him for this blah blah blah... so, I tried to validate her as she got drunker and drunker.  so matter how many times I tried to change the subject, back to this anger and hatred. 

So, as I get up to leave, she gets scathing towards me.  She's like, you have no idea, do you... . I didn't want to get sucked into this, so I said "Mum, I've got to go now, try to have a nice evening" and there's a good movie on tv later etc... . trying to distract her... . but she gets nasty and is almost spitting out nasty comments, which I was tuning out... but she starts on my finaanical situation and says again, YOU need to move back here... . and start being responsible! 

To see that mean and ugly person again, which I havent seen for years, because I've avoided her so much over the years, really bought me to my knees and reminded me of the reason why I can not ever ask for her help, she will use it against me.

Before today, I had been considering maybe I should move in with her for a few months, to get back on my feet, maybe she's changed... it's been so hard to even think about this, but, I would rather starve than live with her again, I realised that, today.  She is still the same!

[RedRose15]

I was horribly co-dependent for many years with my BPD mother.  I was her golden child... . but not always, she could be the nastiest and meanest person in the world to me when she hated me.

For the past 7 years I have stopped sharing anything of importance with her, just kept it all light hearted and tried to be as supportive as possible, without getting sucked into her dramas, which are one after the after. 

Because before that, any problem that I would have, I would share it with her, hoping for her support, but it always became her problem and would turn into a major catastrophy.  For instance, when my marriage broke down 10 years ago, she was so stressed out with worry for me, hmmmm, she ended up having a nervous breakdown and it was all caused because of my breakup, which I coped fine about, she didn't.  When my daughter was killed 7 years ago in a car accident, again, I needed her and she couldn't be the Mother I needed.  Sure, she cried and hugged me, but she kept saying it was her baby that was killed, she again ended up in hospital, with all the doctors and nurses giving her the attention she craved, while here I was, nearly dying from my grief, and she says to me "I wish I was like you, strong"... .

you're so lucky... . that was the day I detached... .

Anyway, at the moment I'm going through some very hard financial times, and she has found out and is using this to her advantage.  She has been demanding I move back in with her, to get back on my feet.  She has paid a few of my bills, and the worst thing is I have had to ask her for money here and there... . purely from desperation.  So, suddently she feels she has this control over me again, and I am fighting to keep my distance but not cause a problem because unfortunately I do need her help at the moment.

Today I went over to visit her.  She lives alone.  She is 74 years old and no major health issues, but even though she says everytime I see her, well I don't have much longer left on this earth

and you girls (my sisters) will soon have everything, so you won't have the struggles and worry that I had to live with my whole life.

Not wanting this story to go on forever, but at the moment her youngest brother is dying of terminal cancer.  We have always been very lcose to this uncle, he's like a brother to my sisters and I.  Anyway she has had a big falling out with her other two brothers because of the Will.  Oh my, it's turning ugly.  Her other two brothers are quite well off, and I've spent my whole life hearing how selfish they are for not helping her more etc... . how hard her life has been and how lucky they are... . so now one of her brothers is questioning the wording in the Will, which leaves the majority to my Mother and she is furious.  She said she hates him and will never forgive him for this blah blah blah... so, I tried to validate her as she got drunker and drunker.  so matter how many times I tried to change the subject, back to this anger and hatred. 

So, as I get up to leave, she gets scathing towards me.  She's like, you have no idea, do you... . I didn't want to get sucked into this, so I said "Mum, I've got to go now, try to have a nice evening" and there's a good movie on tv later etc... . trying to distract her... . but she gets nasty and is almost spitting out nasty comments, which I was tuning out... but she starts on my finaanical situation and says again, YOU need to move back here... . and start being responsible! 

To see that mean and ugly person again, which I havent seen for years, because I've avoided her so much over the years, really bought me to my knees and reminded me of the reason why I can not ever ask for her help, she will use it against me.

Before today, I had been considering maybe I should move in with her for a few months, to get back on my feet, maybe she's changed... it's been so hard to even think about this, but, I would rather starve than live with her again, I realised that, today.  She is still the same!

[BabeRuthless]

RedRose: I am sorry you are going through the pain of up-close re-exposure to your BPD mom. I can relate to so much of what you shared. Not sure what the best living situation is, considering tight finances, but it sounds like you are thinking it over carefully.

I am also so sorry to hear about the death of your daughter years ago, and the breakdown of your marriage. What hard times those must have been. My first husband died of a brain tumor at age 43, nine years ago, and my uBPD mother also broke down and wasn't able to support or comfort me. I related in a separate post that, a week after the death, as I was sitting at my table writing thank-you notes for flowers and memorial donations, my mother began sobbing and telling me she was afraid to be a widow.

The situation with your ill uncle (I am sorry to hear about this) also sounds so hard. Your mom's relationships and responses sound so much like my mother's... . it's uncanny. Just want you to know you are not alone.

Keep some strong boundaries, as it seems true that she has not changed and may use a request for help -- or shared confidences -- to her own advantage. Hang in there... . thinking of you.

[jessienbp]

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Don't move back in with her. Or get financially dependent on her. I speak from experience. Find any other possible way to not literally starve to death.

[RedRose15]

Thank you BabeRuthless and jessienbp.

BabeRuthless, wow yes, it's uncanny, the similarities with your story about your Mother sobbing and mine.  They sound like twins.  It helps a lot having people who understand how difficult this is.

When my Mother was in the Psych ward after my daughter was killed, the psychiatrist's called my sisters and myself into a family meeting.  We were sitting at this table, my Mother looking broken and like a little child.  Every now and then I could see the corner of her lips, almost have a tiny little smile as they all talked about how hard it was for her.  They were talking about shock treatment etc and said she had suffered a huge loss, the loss of her grandchild.  This was my daughter they were talking about.  I really couldn't deal with this.  It was all about her.

I've never been able to forgive her for this.  I never will.  The pain I was felt was undescribible. Not to have a mother I could lean on for any support, that was almost bad... but to watch her be the victim, that almost destroyed me.  For her to say, I wish I was as strong as my daugher and all the doctors are feeling sorry for her.  It at this time, when I detached fully from her.  My co-dependency died.  It took this for me to see how ill she is and how she will never be there as a Mother should be. 

So, It's rare, but I have been depressed and I've let my guard down with her, only because of the financial bottom I've hit, my fault, I did open that door up, again, hoping I guess she had changed a bit.  Well, she is taking full advantage of me again.  I'm pulling back the best I can, but she now has information, has seen my weaknesses again, which to her, is power... and she is trying to solve my problems but I have to do what she wants me too.  But I will not move back in with her, I actually would rather starve.  I cant tell her that though, I just try to validate her as best I can and not JADE in any way about what an irresponsible daughter I am, which is what she said to me again, today... . Actually, come to think of it, that's been my label for most of my grown up life

Just thinking about labels, I've had a few, these are just some of mine from her:

I'm irresponsible,

I'm an uncaring b___

There is something mentally wrong with me

I'm TOO sensitive

I need to toughen up

I'm a horrible nasty little girl

I'm pasty and sickly

Hard to find second hand clothes for such a chubby little "nasty" girl

Oh I could go on forever here... .

it took me years to like myself a little bit.  I still occassionally abuse myself like she did, call myself names and feel like I am that horrible nasty child/girl she said I was. I still have a low self esteem buried deep within me, no matter how much hard work I've done to undo the damage caused. 

[BabeRuthless]

RedRose, I am reading your post and realizing how neither of us is alone... . I am so sorry for your mother's illness and behaviors, which are so much like my mother's. One difference, that makes me feel fortunate, is that my mother has only occasionally been openly cruel to me, and it was a long time ago. Most problems stem from her neglect and bottomless neediness, narcissism, and impulsive, poor decision making that has consequences for the whole family.

I so related to what you said about sometimes calling yourself the mean names your mother used. Lately, I am aware how much, as a child, I internalized my uBPD grandmother (primary caregiver) and uBPD mother's feelings and behaviors. For me, it triggers shame and even self-loathing to see that the witch is not only "out there" (my family members) but that her outlook and responses have taken hold inside of me... . that I learned this way of being. I now am committed to unlearning it, which is slow and frustrating but a worthy, healthy path for my second half of life. Maybe my middle and mature years can be better than my youth. What a thought.  

Have been reading a lot of BPD, Al-Anon and related stuff, and it seems there is nothing more important today, and going forward, than learning to love myself -- (big) warts and all -- the way I longed for my mother and grandmother to love and accept me. Very slowly, I am also seeing that when I am able to do this even a little, I automatically have more compassion and patience toward others, and am not so unconsciously driven by my own hostility and unmet needs.

RedRose, I'll be thinking of you today and the self-aware, sharing, growing women we both are. Know that your pain of the loss of your daughter is understood here as your loss. Thanks for your post... . We are in good company together here.