Borderline Sister/Narcissistic Mother?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I started going to therapy this past week because I've been having so much difficulty communicating with my family since my sister was checked into rehab a few weeks ago due to heroin possession.  She has all the characteristics of someone who is has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder.  She is incredibly self-destructive, volatile, gets close to people and then pushes them away, manipulates situations to create rifts between family members and to get her own way with money, ect. She lies constantly and belittles the suffering of others and never apologizes for any offense caused except when threatened with some consequences. She has an incredibly explosive temper and is frankly terrifying to be around sometimes. My parents are blind to the true nature of her problems and seem to think she will outgrow it.  She is 22.

However, I am just now, coming to the conclusion, (with the help of my therapist) that my mother is most likely a narcissist.  Now that I am out on my own, with my own house, husband and son I am suddenly awakened to the realization that she uses everything in her power: matrydom, guilt, blame, obligation to ascertain that everyone in the family cruises along with what she wants.  Since my sister got out of rehab on Monday, I asked my youngest sister, to watch my son on thursdays (when I work), rather than having him over at my parents home around middle sister with BPD. It was a decision my husband and I made for his safety because she is, like I said, extremely erratic and my parents are so in denial that they don't see when she is high or manipulating them. My mother then called me a few days later (while I was working) and told me that I would be responsible for my sister's relapse if I did this, and she might overdose, and that we were done if I did not let my son come over to their home.  I told her that I did not feel comfortable with him being there if I was not around.  She preceeded to tell me I was ungrateful and listed all the things she had done for me over the years and that doing things like this I was "airing the families' dirty laundry in public". As soon as I brought up situations from the past that involved her rescuing my middle sister at my expense (such as my sister getting out of a drug test with the excuse used by my mom that I was having a miscarriage while I was pregnant... . when only a week earlier I did have a threatened miscarriage and my sister refused to take me to the hospital), this was met with complete denial and an assertion that I was overreacting and finally that it was a necessary means to an end. What end I don't know because of course the sister in question went on to do heroin but that's that. The conversation ended with her crying over the phone so that I felt incredibly guilty telling her that I had to get back to work and not be having this conversation between students (I teach private voice and piano lessons). 


I know that my parents must be going through difficulties with my sister, but frankly, I told them time and time again that she needed help and they refused to listen or told me that I was criticizing them.  Because of this I told my mother that I don't want to talk about my sister anymore because the conversation always ends negatively.  However she finds a way to sneak it in and victimize herself.   So... . lengthy post ended... . does anyone else have a family structure like this?  How did you cope?  How did you make yourself an individual while maintaining closeness with your family?  The therapist and I are working on my assertive behavior because she says I have spent so many years trying to go against my own personal feelings in obligation to my family that I have now swung from passive to aggressive as all that pent up frustration has reached a boiling point.  Did any of you have a similar experience?  She wants me to talk to both my sister and my mother and assert myself in a calm way, explaining what I need from them.  I'm terrified. But I also don't know how I can pretend like everything is fine anymore.  My feeling is that if I'm able to understand my family structure more it will be easier to cope because I wont risk being dragged down unawares into the vicious cycle of blame, guilt, and constantly working to avoid feeling like I'm failing everyone. 

I've always felt close to my mother but I think it was that I was always going along with what she wanted and I feel incredibly guilty or doubtful if I sway in a direction other than what she believes, even if it is something small.  I always feel like I have to backtrack or else the emotional atmosphere becomes so heightened that I lose all sense of logic.  Finding the balance is incredibly difficult and anxiety-provoking.  A little clarity and distance I think will be helpful

[Ridente1]

I started going to therapy this past week because I've been having so much difficulty communicating with my family since my sister was checked into rehab a few weeks ago due to heroin possession.  She has all the characteristics of someone who is has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder.  She is incredibly self-destructive, volatile, gets close to people and then pushes them away, manipulates situations to create rifts between family members and to get her own way with money, ect. She lies constantly and belittles the suffering of others and never apologizes for any offense caused except when threatened with some consequences. She has an incredibly explosive temper and is frankly terrifying to be around sometimes. My parents are blind to the true nature of her problems and seem to think she will outgrow it.  She is 22.

However, I am just now, coming to the conclusion, (with the help of my therapist) that my mother is most likely a narcissist.  Now that I am out on my own, with my own house, husband and son I am suddenly awakened to the realization that she uses everything in her power: matrydom, guilt, blame, obligation to ascertain that everyone in the family cruises along with what she wants.  Since my sister got out of rehab on Monday, I asked my youngest sister, to watch my son on thursdays (when I work), rather than having him over at my parents home around middle sister with BPD. It was a decision my husband and I made for his safety because she is, like I said, extremely erratic and my parents are so in denial that they don't see when she is high or manipulating them. My mother then called me a few days later (while I was working) and told me that I would be responsible for my sister's relapse if I did this, and she might overdose, and that we were done if I did not let my son come over to their home.  I told her that I did not feel comfortable with him being there if I was not around.  She preceeded to tell me I was ungrateful and listed all the things she had done for me over the years and that doing things like this I was "airing the families' dirty laundry in public". As soon as I brought up situations from the past that involved her rescuing my middle sister at my expense (such as my sister getting out of a drug test with the excuse used by my mom that I was having a miscarriage while I was pregnant... . when only a week earlier I did have a threatened miscarriage and my sister refused to take me to the hospital), this was met with complete denial and an assertion that I was overreacting and finally that it was a necessary means to an end. What end I don't know because of course the sister in question went on to do heroin but that's that. The conversation ended with her crying over the phone so that I felt incredibly guilty telling her that I had to get back to work and not be having this conversation between students (I teach private voice and piano lessons). 


I know that my parents must be going through difficulties with my sister, but frankly, I told them time and time again that she needed help and they refused to listen or told me that I was criticizing them.  Because of this I told my mother that I don't want to talk about my sister anymore because the conversation always ends negatively.  However she finds a way to sneak it in and victimize herself.   So... . lengthy post ended... . does anyone else have a family structure like this?  How did you cope?  How did you make yourself an individual while maintaining closeness with your family?  The therapist and I are working on my assertive behavior because she says I have spent so many years trying to go against my own personal feelings in obligation to my family that I have now swung from passive to aggressive as all that pent up frustration has reached a boiling point.  Did any of you have a similar experience?  She wants me to talk to both my sister and my mother and assert myself in a calm way, explaining what I need from them.  I'm terrified. But I also don't know how I can pretend like everything is fine anymore.  My feeling is that if I'm able to understand my family structure more it will be easier to cope because I wont risk being dragged down unawares into the vicious cycle of blame, guilt, and constantly working to avoid feeling like I'm failing everyone. 

I've always felt close to my mother but I think it was that I was always going along with what she wanted and I feel incredibly guilty or doubtful if I sway in a direction other than what she believes, even if it is something small.  I always feel like I have to backtrack or else the emotional atmosphere becomes so heightened that I lose all sense of logic.  Finding the balance is incredibly difficult and anxiety-provoking.  A little clarity and distance I think will be helpful

[lucyhoneychurch]

Hello   

I think the part of your comments where I kind of wanted to grab you and say, Wow, this is just so wrong... . was where you are advised to speak to your mother and sister and tell them what you need from them. Given that one is a proven drug addict (and from the little I know heroin is such a ticking time bomb, just as far as survival is concerned) and the other has time adn again manipulated everything into you are letting them down... .

What could you possibly need from either of these people even if it's your mother and sister except distance and possibly outright protection?

It's like you are trying to take off your "invisible cloak" and I wore one too as the oldest of four and trying to say like CP30 in the dessert, Over heeeeere, help and jumping up and down and everyone is still turning their attention to someone who has ruined your family basically... . that has to be a deep wound for you as you've moved into adulthood and having your own family.

I applaud you asking someone else to care for your child.

I applaud you seeking some answers... .

and most of all I applaud you sounding like you might consider just an entire time out from the whole awful emotional circus that addiction can bring into our lives.

You have that right.

You can tell your family that your T has advised you to take some time, like a retreat, and you will contact them when you are ready and not until then.

You don't owe them your time nor explanations.

Your young family is your sole obligation now.

I am very sorry these things are coming at you when you should really be having such fun with your child. 

I just can't fathom what is to be gained by showing your belly, in a sense, to your mother and sister. Telling them what you need from them - has that ever worked? how could it possibly? but your T might really have a good game plan for you... . maybe ask her what outcome is expected from communicating what she suggested.

Please don't take that as trying to bring more upheaval into your head... . just couldn't imagine how that will work.

Mostly because my family dynamics were so similar (no one on drugs, but emotionally addicted to chaos etc).

Good luck.

[BabeRuthless]

Ridente: Glad you posted and reached out, but so sorry you are going through this. 

Your family sounds very similar to mine... . I have had decades of experiences like those you describe, and intense, ongoing anger and grief. This board is a great place to learn and to find companionship and coping tools. 

Like lucyhoneychurch, I wonder re: effectiveness of telling your troubled mom and sister what you need from them. (They have not asked you, "What do you need from me?" Alternatively, if you want to express a desire for change, you could be clear about your needs for greater safety and peace, and state what you will do differently to that end. Maybe this would be assertive for yourself, child, and husband while still signaling your care and love for your mother, father, and sister.   

In my own family, when I have seemed to ask others to change, it has created resentment and resistance from them and, for me, "insanity:" doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. It has also reinforced my position in system as "high-handed" or "one-up" as compared to addicted or BPD loved ones.   

Glad you are here, Ridente, and I'll look forward to hearing more.  

 

[clljhns]

Hi Ridente1,

Sorry to hear about this painful situation in your life! My family situation was little different in that whenever my black sheep sister got into trouble, she was thrown out of the family. However, I can commiserate with the demands of a BPD parent.

Have you considered finding someone else to watch your little boy? I am thinking that this might stop the argument from mom that you must bring son to their house. I would also encourage you to read J.A.D.E on this site. I think you will find some helpful ways to communicate your needs to mom without feeling like you just got steam-rolled.

I am curious as to why your T wants you to state your needs to mom and sister. Maybe her suggestion is that you will be working towards this in therapy. I am interested to know what your therapist's intentions are regarding this.

Much peace and healing to you!