Doing things for yourself or child and they get upset

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So my child has a sport she plays twice a week and I either take her or go and watch if she is with her dad.  Also, a family member asked me to play an instrument for her wedding so I have a practice a week for that which is about 4 weeks.  And now I am getting an attitude from my uBPDbf that "when have you been home before 7:30?"  I get home from work at 3:30 and my daughters sport is around 6 for an hour and the music practice is about 3hrs. 

When I am home with him he does his own thing work out, shower, watch tv.  Doesn't engage... . nothing!  Yet, is giving me a hard time and telling me I'm selfish because I'm there for my child and doing this for my cousin.  It is so frustrating... .   He is being selfish.  Tomorrow is Friday and I guarantee he will go out drinking after work and not say a word to me what he is doing... . but that is all okay.

[FigureIt]

So my child has a sport she plays twice a week and I either take her or go and watch if she is with her dad.  Also, a family member asked me to play an instrument for her wedding so I have a practice a week for that which is about 4 weeks.  And now I am getting an attitude from my uBPDbf that "when have you been home before 7:30?"  I get home from work at 3:30 and my daughters sport is around 6 for an hour and the music practice is about 3hrs. 

When I am home with him he does his own thing work out, shower, watch tv.  Doesn't engage... . nothing!  Yet, is giving me a hard time and telling me I'm selfish because I'm there for my child and doing this for my cousin.  It is so frustrating... .   He is being selfish.  Tomorrow is Friday and I guarantee he will go out drinking after work and not say a word to me what he is doing... . but that is all okay.

[ugghh]

That is what pwBPD do.  Of course as a non you are reacting in a perfectly rational manner to his comments. 

What action do you want to happen when this occurs? 

[FigureIt]

The action I would like is for nothing, no .  He doesn't need to say anything.  He needs to accept that my daughter is a child and will come 1st.  Also, I am "here for him" 80% or more of the time.  I can't do anything for me.  I biked to work today 7miles.  He doesn't care if I made it safely.  I texted him "I'm here." and got no response. 

I specifically asked last night what he wanted me to make him for dinner.  Today, when he got home I again asked if he preferred chicken or shrimp... . his response "i'm not that hungry"  I said I told you I would make us dinner... . His reply "I didn't know what you were doing or if you'd be home"  What the heck?

His kids stopped by and they told me they talked to him and said they would be over around dinner time.  Nothing was said to me.  When I asked what he told them they said "he didn't know if anyone would be home."  What?  I told him yesterday I would cook him dinner, what am I missing?

I know... . SANITY!

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm glad you know he is being selfish.  Hopefully, the self-doubt he has worked hard to forge in you is not being triggered, as well.  I agree with ugghh.  This is what they do -demand you to be totally focused on them.  They will try to trigger you to get attention from you in any way they can, even if by making you feel mad, scared, guilty, or confused.

[FigureIt]

They will try to trigger you to get attention from you in any way they can, even if by making you feel mad, scared, guilty, or confused.

I definitely agree and this is what he is doing now. He is being secretive with his phone. Tonight he has gone out drinking & to track. I asked what time he'll be home and was told "no idea" before he might be able to push and I might give in but now my daughter is too important. I'd rather hang with her then go out.