I wanted to start a thread about different way to open communications to a pwBPD that are topics that important to the non but may set off the BPD.
I know in the past, I've too often got lost trying to figure out how to make an PDx agree with me and worried about their reactions too much. I think instead I'd have been better off to keep it short and sweet and set a boundary instead of try to obtain their agreement or support.
We non-'s tend to try to think cooperative, and we project that onto other people. And while it's a good thing to work things out cooperative, sometimes it's not healthy to try it with certain people, such as pwBPD or other PD's. It's really hit me hard in the last month or so how important it is to not over-do it when trying to work out a cooperative solution to an issue with someone whose point of view is skewed about said issue. Another way to put it is you can't reason with irrational.
They'll actually respect you more if you set firm, consistent boundaries with them. There will be other issues and they'll try to break down your boundaries, but holding your boundaries is a different issue. In the end, they'll either leave for someone else they can manipulate easier, or they'll learn from your consistency that you really aren't out to hurt them, they'll trust more eventually, and things will get better. Either way, the drama tones down.
Example#1
I have to plan a business trip that includes a co-worker (male). I have been on this trip 2 other times and each of those times my wife went also. Both times and more so the last time she made it very difficult to get work done. This time I would like to not bring her. What are ways I can discuss this with her. I know there will be rages over it but I want to find ways that I remain strong and not get in the position where I cave in or make the situation worse.
My vote is for short and sweet. "I have a work trip, and I need to be very productive. I'm going alone so I can just focus on the work I need to do." That sets the boundary. You're going alone. She'll fight it, but holding your boundary is different from the decision to be made.
Eaxmple #2
I just mentioned to my wife that I would like to reconnect with my family. She hasn't blown up about it as bad as I feared but think it becasue I sprung it on her without time for her to over think it. I wan to be able to explain that I am doing this for me and if she would like to that would be great. She can't understand why I would consider it with or realtionship being as broken as it is. How am I going to make her fall in love with me again is her question to me.
Short and sweet - I'm going to visit my family. Dates are (whatever they are). You're welcome to come along. If not, I'll see you when I get back.
As for why you'd consider it with the relationship being broken - it's because you're human and you need supportive community and family. You need them even more in tough times. Having the comfort of extended family support in tough times makes it easier to get through tough times. It builds you up and strengthens you. And you don't need to justify and defend your desire to have better relationships with your family. Not to anyone. Again - this is an issue where boundaries are required, not her agreement. Set your boundaries for you, and hold them.
As for her question of how you're going to make her fall in love with you again? - Just my humble opinion, but you can't make her do or not do anything. It's up to her to engage in the relationship in a healthy fashion. And you're not responsible for how she feels.
She's not going to change unless she has to. And if you give in to trying to "make her love you again" (and there all kinds of unhealthy aspects to that), she won't have to change.
Your allowing yourself to be controlled and manipulated by her through your fear. I guarantee you she knows this, and preys on it. People with BPD are very good at reading other people emotionally. If you want to break out of all this, it's going to start with letting go of your fear of her.
