He was my best friend and i miss that

[BorisAcusio]

Sorry, I know the feeling and it hurts.  When I think about my x I have always thought of the good times, how close it felt, that warm feeling inside.  I have come to realize, with much reading, that my feelings are for a fake person!  A person that my x pretended to be, a character of my imagination!  It seemed so awesome to be that close!  The hardest thing to realize is that they mirrored everything you wanted in a relationship.  Now she's doing the same thing to someone else, with absolutely no break from our relation.  He can have her, my x is used merchandise.  I'm actually waiting for results from STD screening cuz she was with a half dozen people (maybe more) during our time together!  No friend of mine would do that to me, it was all BS!  You should definitely be strictly NC and keep having fun with your friends.  They are there for you, he's not.  Take care of you

From what you wrote, she could be my BPDex.

You have to understand that pwBPD are capable of horrible things, while bringing very little to the table when it comes to genuine care, support or commitment. Being in the stage of denial is completely natural. We've all been there. The longer you clinging to the fantasy, the more pain it will inflict on you.

[cacanpoint]

I know that i am fantasizing some parts of the relationships and remembering maybe most of the good moments. But at some point, I just can get for the moment that someone can fake to be good. It must be some good parts in them, it is just that indeed and I agree with you on that, they are enable to commit and take responsabilities that get along with any type of emotional attachment.

What helps me is for instance to remember that i really want to have kids some day, and i often thought it will have be with him. But what a painful experience would that have been to raise kids with someone who is afraid of taking responsabilities and be stable !

[Narellan]

Cacanpoint it's really great to see you are coming out of the fog. Reflecting on our past relationship is part of our healing process and when we can glance back without pain and see some clarity that's learning. You can see clearly now that he was wrong for you, that it would have been "terrible to have children with him" That's a good realisation for you to hold onto as you move forward. Well done to you   you have come a long way girlfriend x

[Samsara121]

I guess we don't have all the same way to deal with empathy and this disorder. I am really convinced that it wasn't a choice for him to behave like he did. Not that this is an excuse for him to behave bad, but I could see the shame and the remorse that he had after bursting in rage.

This is a devastating desorder. Maybe for you ex it was not a problem, but for mine, he was aware of his sickness even if he had not the courage to see a therapist. He could just see and feel that he is hurting the people he loves the most. And that is not an easy way of seing your life and yourself.

And Narellan, i agree with you. Anger keeps you stuck. Generally in my life i try to pardon people for their mistakes. As i'm a human and i do mistakes too sometimes, i expect other to be kind to my own weakness so i do the same. But to get over a failed relationship with BPD person, some may have to feel that anger to get over it.

There is no best way to deal with our pain. Everyone has to find what's best for him according to the r/s he had (and all r/s are different even if BPD traits make them look alike). I want to find my inner peace again, and anger is incompatible with that.

Thank you for this very open thread, I feel the same to my ex-pwBPD. She was not choosing her behavior she was just using coping mechanisms that were unhealthy, risky or devastating, mainly for herself.

Those coping mechanisms will be on until their negative consequences outweigh their benefits.

Now I'm struggling like you CaCanpoint, I had to mee my ex- once for some admin papers and I organize the meeting outside, by a cafe, and as short as possible. During those 45 minutes I was able to clearly see the "seductive" mechanisms that made me dive for it in the first place. I was able to keep quiet and protective to myself. After the meeting I found myself crying and angry again. And during weekends when I feel weak, I feel like contacting her again.

And then on Monday, I shake my brain and go back on rationality.

What really helps me is the detachment process and the distance, I consider myself an addict that needs to stay away from the substance, that's what my T says... . I acknowledge the craving but I know the devastating effects of that drug. I hope we all find the strength to move on and work hard on our self to reverse that craving to a healthy connection. 

[Samsara121]

We can all have healthy relationships, but I agree that this can only happen if we are willing to leave unhealthy ones when we see the indicators.  This takes courage, but we are probably all more equipped for such decisions after educating ourselves on this illness.  I think we need to come to grips with the idea that we probably need more than "some" therapy; real pathology lies not in needing help, but in the failure to recognize that one needs it and the consequent failure to pursue it.  This is part of what differentiates us from many of those with BPD that we know so well.  In addition to that, we need supportive communities like this one (and hopefully in the physical world too).  And finally, I think we just need to be open to relationships that may not seem immediately appealing the way our relationships with pwBPD are.  Many of us thrive on the "chemistry," i.e. the idealization and instant intimacy that comes with a relationship with a BPD partner.  As a result we turn away from more subtle, deliberate relationships early on.  In these cases, it is really on us to be open, to give them a chance, to not turn away before we give them time to develop. 

Last night I was hanging out with the group where I'd met my ex-pwBPD. I was talking to everybody a bit, having fun, hoping she would be there as well, and by the end of the evening I was thinking about how we got hooked together, how it felt to be listened to and all the great conversations we had in the beginning. (After a while in the r/s we both would stay silent when together). I was missing the intensity.

You say Saddle that we need to focus on our self, that's the decision I made lately, it's been some time since I'm working some specific topics with my T, but now I wish to concentrate on my relationship with myself. I'm a recovering codependent and I need to be with someone I can feel I can help or be in a strong position. If not I'll feel threatened and very insecure. Just thinking about being with a stronger partner makes me feel like a crying scared baby! 

I'm now doing a very positive therapy called Life span integrating ( www.lifespanintegration.ch/peggy-pace/)

and I feel so much better in the core of myself! It's just incredible the difference: before that, just walking in the middle of a crowd would make me feel awkward, invisible and uneasy.

Sometimes I still think that I won't be able to live a a nice relationship because I've build so much walls around me - that's why only pwBPD can reach me, with their intensity and mirroring - so I walk my path, with my T as my

compass.

[Clearmind]

There does come a point where we see it all clearly - it takes time.

Have you considered seeing a therapist Cacan? There is much to process and why we were attracted is only the tip of the iceberg!

[cacanpoint]

Yes, I've considered it for a long time… The problem is that it costs a lot of money and I cannot afford that for the moment. I prefer to spend the money I have to distract myself, going out with friend, paying for my holidays etc…

But I know that one day I will be ready to approach therapy with serenity and to take all its benefits.

For the moment, I have you all and I'm exercising my self-analysing skills