He was my best friend and i miss that

[cacanpoint]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a very rough day. We're separated since january, NC since end of march and he found a replacement very quickly (he's now in love with her... . )

Yesterday, i was in a big public party feeling very good, having fun and dancing with my friends. In the middle of the evening, he arrived with a friend. I was so mad at him that he came to this place he knew I was. As I have had some drinks, i was more emotionnal and when i saw him, i couldn't help to go and talk with him (even if my friend that also know him tried to talk me out of it). We had a long talk, i cried a lot (and i'm ashamed of that). We told each other that we miss a lot each other. Even if we're aware that it was the best choice to separate, it is so hard to just erase someone you love from your life.

He is such a great person and i really love his presence. I was just so sad to see him, we hugged several times and that felt so good and painful at the same time.

I'm completly lost and hurt. I thought I was doing better but seeing him made me feel so sad. We live in a small time and like the same kind of music so it will be hard no to run into each other in the future.

I don't know how to manage that, can someone please help me going through that ?

Thank you... .

[trappedinlove]

 

[Narellan]

I really can understand how you feel. Its heartbreaking. I feel your pain, i can imagine myself doing the exact same thing. Ive been 9 weeks NC too, about the same as you. Im actually really dreading the moment that this happens to me. Ive got scenarios planned out in my head that all involve me maintaining NC. But theres no accounting for pain and tears rearing its ugly head just when you thought you were doing ok.

Its just a minor setback, a learning curve. This sounds like it may happen again given you both live in a small town. I can really only suggest that you plan to avoid talking to him. If you dont engage with him, you may still be able to be in in the same place.

You said you were having fun, laughing and dancing with friends. Thats fantastic! See how strong you are. Unfortunately alcohol weakens our will. Maybe you could avoid it while you feel so vulnerable.

You know time will help you to manage these situations better.

I was invited to a social function today, and i had contemplated going. I knew my ex best friend(my replacement) was going to be there, and i thought maybe i could go and just avoid talking to her. That would be our first face to face since i ended our friendship about 4 weeks ago.

Ive been depressed and only leaving the house to go to work or my kids activities.

Anyway so i ruminated for a few days and decided id give it a go. Then she sent me a text "Hi Narellan, just wanted to say hi and see how youre doing?". And the tears just camte from no where.

I bawled for hours, getting myself so angry, thinking how could she do this to me, blah blah.

But i realised there was no way i could go to this social function and not be sure i wouldnt break like that again. So even though 50 or so people would be wondering where i was, i had to not go for my own sanity. its too soon. And im not ready to see her or face her.

If i bumped into her out after id had a few drinks, i think id really let loose and it wouldnt be pretty. And id lose all self respect. So these are trigger situations, and i need to avoid them for the time being. If i bump into my ex BPD i will be ignoring him the same>NC. I dont really have the same anger toward him, as i do for my ex best friend of 20 years who does not have BPD, she had no excuse to betray me and be with him behind my back.

Im sorry i cant really be of more help. It just hurts, its going to hurt for a while and youre hurting much more now because you engaged with him. NC seems the only way to heal. Take care sweetie, we are here for you 

[cacanpoint]

Thank you Narellan for sharing your experience with me. You talk about self respect and you're really right, i think  that is what i lacked yesterday and what makes me feel so ashamed right now. Ashamed and weak ! All my friends could just see the broken me, the one that i don't want to show... . bursting into tears like a child.



bouh, life is really hard today.

Feels good to be surrounded by nice and loving people here

[BorisAcusio]

Just keep a pwBPD close enough and you don't need any more enemies.

[Emelie Emelie]

Hi Cacanpoint - I'm sorry you're having a rough day.  My exBF was my best friend too.  We talked six times a day.  The first time I saw him after our first break up I couldn't stop crying.  In fact I think I saw him three times in the first few months and I cried every time.  In front of him.  Don't be ashamed of that.  You love someone and it hurts.  If I saw him today I'd cry.  (I'll cry today even though I won't see him )  Your feelings are okay.  You're right where you need to be.  You're grieving.  It's okay.  It just takes time. 

[maternal]

I know this pain very well, too.  When my ex and I parted ways, on very good terms, we both knew this was for the best... . despite the fact that, at the time, I was willing to continue working to strengthen what we had. I won't be running in to him any time soon, because I had to move across the country for both financial and healing reasons.  I will be moving back to his part of the world by the end of next year, so I've got to figure out how to screw my courage to the sticking place and get myself well enough not to fall into his trap again (despite actually wanting to right now).  But I absolutely feel your pain of missing the friendship and knowing that deep down, this person is a very good person.  I feel the same way about my ex.  I will always wish him well.

No Contact seems so cruel, especially in light of the fact that you know there's good man in there, but it will help.  

Keep your head up.

[cacanpoint]

Thank you maternal. It looks like our story has much in common.

I really think that it is the best thing for me to be separated, but i wish life could just be easy and that we could stay friends without any of us being hurt. But i guess life is never like that, and I have to accept that i struggle in pain a lot more than he does.

In the end, from what i saw on this board, i try to remember that this heartbreaking experience is the chance for me to grow emotionnaly in order to find a healthy r/s in the future. And i know i will get better, it just takes a loot of time and time seems to pass really slowly right now.

I also try to remember that the r/s was doomed, even with all the effort in the world !

I have the chance to be really happy one day. He seems not to have that chance since he's aware of having BPD but not willing to do therapy or anything... .

The next hard step for me is knowing that i will one day see him with my replacement and even if i know i should let it go, i know that this will break my heart. But knowing it makes it easier in a way...

Take care maternal, you look like a great person who has a lot to discover and to improve about you ! this is a positive dynamic, even if it feels hard.

[going places]

I used to think STBEXH was my 'best friend'.

See, I have a bestie, she's been ma girl for over 30 years.

We know each other inside and out.

We have gone years without speaking, and then the day we met up, it was like we never missed a beat.

She knows my heart and I know hers before we speak.

We can read each other's tone of voice, facial expressions, and know what to do to help make things better.

It's a two way relationship, give and take, take and give... .

SHE is an amazing woman.

I really struggled with 'losing my bff' (in my stbexh) and even told him so. Said that I missed our friendship, how we used to talk on the phone on my way home from work, and how we would just hang out and do things that friends do... . I really wa wa wa'ed around about that.

Then it hit me.

He was not my friend.

Friends don't do what he did to me to people they claim to love, and be 'friends' with.

Friends do not deceive, lie, steal, cheat each other.

Friends do not have secret addictions.

Friends do not say "I love you" to your face, then tell another woman "yeah, we will end up divorced anyway, so let's have an affair".

No.

Friends do NOT behave like that.

So... . my STBEXH was never my friend.

I truly was HIS, but he was NEVER a friend to me.

Sad, but my experience

[Narellan]

Going places... . I had a bestie like that. Shared everything for 20 years. Every thought every secret, talked every day even if it was just a quick text.

She's my replacement now.

Supported him from day 1 of our split.

It's really hard losing a best friend that really turned out to be no friend at all.

Everything now seems like a lie. And my ex BPD was also my bestie. I have more empathy for him because he has little control over his reactions.

But I can't ever forgive her.

You learn the most about people at the end of a relationship/friendship with them.

[cacanpoint]

today i'm struggling with the shame of being so weak. When i bumped into him last night, i just couldn't walk away. He told me to go and meet my friends but i was just so madly attracted to his presence, like a magnet… And now i feel stupid to have stuck to him for like and hour. we had a nice talk etc, but i just feel like i was a burden.

ahhhhh that is so crappy to ruminate that shame !

[BorisAcusio]

If you still think that he/she was your best friend then you don't understand the disorder or holding a concept of interpersonal relationships that is not healthy, nor mature in any way.

[cacanpoint]

Borisacusio,

I don't agree with you. I am well documented about BPD and i'm quite intelligent so i think i get this situation at some point. Beyond the person with BPD there is a human being with values, ideas and a certain way of behavior. And i guess you can be friends with everyone, even people that are suffering from any kind of disorder.

The problem with this board is that a lot of people are struggling in pain and demonize the BPD's into some kind of demons. I think they may have quite a lot of bad sides but you should'nt ignore that if you fell in love with someone it is not for no reason. Don't you think ?

[going places]

Borisacusio,

I don't agree with you. I am well documented about BPD and i'm quite intelligent so i think i get this situation at some point. Beyond the person with BPD there is a human being with values, ideas and a certain way of behavior. And i guess you can be friends with everyone, even people that are suffering from any kind of disorder.

The problem with this board is that a lot of people are struggling in pain and demonize the BPD's into some kind of demons. I think they may have quite a lot of bad sides but you should'nt ignore that if you fell in love with someone it is not for no reason. Don't you think ?

NOW that I am educated on what BPD is and now that I know what the signs are, you better believe that I will run, like my butts on fire and my head is catchin' if someone else presents the same behaviors.

What I 'fell in love with' was a lie. A stage prop, and act, a facade... .

I will never ignore the fact that I invested absolutely 100% of my everything, and got ZERO return on my investment. With that fact comes a lot of pain, anger, and regret... .

I went thru the 'stage/phase" of 'defending' him.

I did the whole let's have sympathy / empathy , let me help you get help, have 'mercy' and give him extra credit, when zero credit was due.

I had all kinds of excuses for him: Childhood, getting married young, churches let us down, counselors let us down, she was a temptress, he was 'just under stress'.

Yeah... . I went through 'that phase'.

Now I am past it.

He is what he is and he chooses to be what he is, by refusing to admit he has issues and by refusing to seek out professional help, for his sake, and for the sake of his family.

For me personally? The Sympathy Train just pulled out of the station on this one... .

[going places]

If you still think that he/she was your best friend then you don't understand the disorder or holding a concept of interpersonal relationships that is not healthy, nor mature in any way.

If there was a like button, I would have pushed it!

[Narellan]

I disagree he "chooses" what he is. No one chooses to have BPD. You can't choose to have a disorder.

I personally prefer to have empathy than anger. I can still move on with empathy, anger tends to get us stuck. Not that we can choose our emotions at times, any more than they can choose to have BPD.

[going places]

I disagree he "chooses" what he is. No one chooses to have BPD. You can't choose to have a disorder.

I personally prefer to have empathy than anger. I can still move on with empathy, anger tends to get us stuck. Not that we can choose our emotions at times, any more than they can choose to have BPD.

He chooses not to seek help, or admit there is a problem.

Thereby choosing to remain the way he is.

An alcoholic, that refuses to admit they have a problem, and refuses to seek help, chooses the bottle.

I have empathy for my children, the victims of his sickness.

I have sympathy for whoever he's 'seeing' right now, because good chances are she is younger than he and has no idea what an F5 Tornado she's involved with (which, serves her right, because she is CHOOSING to be involved with a married man).

Sorry. I am past the warm a gushys. I have no feelings left for him except the occasional flare up of anger (when he sits in front of the TV for 7 hours playing a video game that was inappropriate to be played in front of our daughter).

His choice to do nothing, killed everything good I had for him.

I don't wish for him to be hit by a truck (most days ;-) )

But, I have zero, nothing else for him because of his choices.

[cacanpoint]

I guess we don't have all the same way to deal with empathy and this disorder. I am really convinced that it wasn't a choice for him to behave like he did. Not that this is an excuse for him to behave bad, but I could see the shame and the remorse that he had after bursting in rage.

This is a devastating desorder. Maybe for you ex it was not a problem, but for mine, he was aware of his sickness even if he had not the courage to see a therapist. He could just see and feel that he is hurting the people he loves the most. And that is not an easy way of seing your life and yourself.

And Narellan, i agree with you. Anger keeps you stuck. Generally in my life i try to pardon people for their mistakes. As i'm a human and i do mistakes too sometimes, i expect other to be kind to my own weakness so i do the same. But to get over a failed relationship with BPD person, some may have to feel that anger to get over it.

There is no best way to deal with our pain. Everyone has to find what's best for him according to the r/s he had (and all r/s are different even if BPD traits make them look alike). I want to find my inner peace again, and anger is incompatible with that.

[BacknthSaddle]

There is so much to learn from this thread, and as always on this board, the most important things to learn are about ourselves.

When I was struggling to admit to myself that my ex had BPD, my therapist said to me "you don't want to acknowledge her pathology because you don't want to acknowledge your own." I see now how true this is. This thread is a microcosm for all romantic interactions with pwBPD: it began with cacanpoint's effort to garner support after a difficult night, and it ended up being ALL ABOUT THEM. 

Ultimately, whether or not they choose to inflict pain or to fail, whether or not they are bad to core or have values and complexities is beside the point. The point is: these are people who have hurt us repeatedly in serious ways, who continue to do so, and we have to ask ourselves why on Earth we would want to have that type of person in our lives.

Cacanpoint's, you say if you fell in love with someone it is for a reason, and I agree. But it doesn't follow that the reason is they are really beautiful people deep down or whatever. We fall in love with certain types of people because of what is inside of US. In the case of pwBPD, most of us who fall "in love" are people with deep desires to fix other people, to repair them. Many of us have saviour fantasies, and these people are begging to be saved. This doesn't mean that we are "bad" or that they are, but it does mean that most of our relationships are based on a fundamental imbalance and, as a result, the relationships are thus "doomed" from the beginning.

This discussion is a worthy one, but, if we really want to heal and have healthy relationships going forward, we have to change the conversation from being about them to being about us. Why do we find ourselves attracted to damaged people that we can't fix? Who don't have the courage or just don't want to fix themselves? What does it say about us? And, most importantly, how can we shake these impulses so that we can find ourselves drawn to relationships that are based on durable love and reciprocity.

[cacanpoint]

Backnthsaddle,

all you said is really true and i know that this experience is the occasion for me to grow emotionnaly.

But deep down, i'm still attached to this idea that only people having some kind of sadness or madness are able to touch my soul… I definitely have to work on that !

[going places]

This discussion is a worthy one, but, if we really want to heal and have healthy relationships going forward, we have to change the conversation from being about them to being about us.

Why do we find ourselves attracted to damaged people that we can't fix?

Who don't have the courage or just don't want to fix themselves?

What does it say about us?

That is why I am 'peacing out'. I am taking my adult children and moving 5 states away as soon as the divorce is final and this house sells. I want to be as far away from him as possible.

I tried to "fix" him for the last 3 years. What a HUGE waste of my precious time and energy.

It has been said: If you are tired of sinking... . let go of the rock.

And, most importantly, how can we shake these impulses so that we can find ourselves drawn to relationships that are based on durable love and reciprocity.

I would totally agree, with the slight word change from "durable" love to "genuine love"!

[Narellan]

Thanks back in the saddle. There's a huge amount of pain in these posts and everyone's responding from a different place in the detachment phase. We all do what we can to move on. And we do need to focus more on us than them. I wish you all the best going places. It's great to have an exit plan and get off the rollercoaster ride.

I left my 22 year marriage with my bipolar husband and took my 3 teenage sons away from the anger and dysfunctional relationship. I wanted them and i to have a peaceful life. I didn't want them thinking what they saw every day was normal. It was a really hard decision and took me ten years to impliment. 2 years on they are doing so well and can see my exh s behaviour for what it is. But we get along much better now we are apart and the boys have regular contact with him.

I'm thankful they only met my ex BPD guy once.

Out of the frying pan into the fire for me. I've got a bit of work to do there, but I'm ready to explore my part in it. 

[myself]

I know that by the end, I was frustrated because she wasn't being the friend I thought she could be. I was also frustrated with myself that I wasn't being able to be the kind of friend I felt to be. We each had push and pull, and angst, with each other and within ourselves. Too many sensitive defenses. NOT doing something is an action in its own way. We were so close, it seemed, but looking at it now I wonder what kinds of friends we really were as honesty and trust dissolved. The patterns were ours to change, to be better friends. Or go our separate ways. I miss the feelings I had when I thought things were going well with her, but I don't know how much of a friend she really was. Facts doing the opposite of fade away.

[Emelie Emelie]

This discussion is a worthy one, but, if we really want to heal and have healthy relationships going forward, we have to change the conversation from being about them to being about us. Why do we find ourselves attracted to damaged people that we can't fix? Who don't have the courage or just don't want to fix themselves? What does it say about us? And, most importantly, how can we shake these impulses so that we can find ourselves drawn to relationships that are based on durable love and reciprocity.

How do we shake these impulses?  I feel they are as deeply ingrained in me as my XBF's issues are in him.  I get that I have self worth issues in rs, and therefore "need" to be needed.  Have no idea how to overcome them.  (Have done some therapy.)  I had a 20 year marriage prior to meeting my BPDxbf.  My exHB was ultimately diagnosed as BiPolar.  Stopped taking medication and went into a downward spiral.  He's destroyed his career, his marriage, his relationship with his daughter.  By the time I got out of it I was sure I would never again be in a rs with someone who could not reciprocate emotional support, etc.  Got asked out be a few guys but was never interested until I met my exBPD.  Thought he was the greatest guy ever.  No   for quite a while.  By the time the BPD behaviors showed up I was well into it emotionally.  But there had to be something, right?  I guess a big indicator is that I didn't leave the rs when the behaviors showed up.  I worry about this.  I worry I'll never have a healthy rs.

[BacknthSaddle]

We can all have healthy relationships, but I agree that this can only happen if we are willing to leave unhealthy ones when we see the indicators.  This takes courage, but we are probably all more equipped for such decisions after educating ourselves on this illness.  I think we need to come to grips with the idea that we probably need more than "some" therapy; real pathology lies not in needing help, but in the failure to recognize that one needs it and the consequent failure to pursue it.  This is part of what differentiates us from many of those with BPD that we know so well.  In addition to that, we need supportive communities like this one (and hopefully in the physical world too).  And finally, I think we just need to be open to relationships that may not seem immediately appealing the way our relationships with pwBPD are.  Many of us thrive on the "chemistry," i.e. the idealization and instant intimacy that comes with a relationship with a BPD partner.  As a result we turn away from more subtle, deliberate relationships early on.  In these cases, it is really on us to be open, to give them a chance, to not turn away before we give them time to develop. 

[going places]

We can all have healthy relationships, but I agree that this can only happen if we are willing to leave unhealthy ones when we see the indicators.  This takes courage, but we are probably all more equipped for such decisions after educating ourselves on this illness.  I think we need to come to grips with the idea that we probably need more than "some" therapy; real pathology lies not in needing help, but in the failure to recognize that one needs it and the consequent failure to pursue it.  This is part of what differentiates us from many of those with BPD that we know so well.  In addition to that, we need supportive communities like this one (and hopefully in the physical world too).  And finally, I think we just need to be open to relationships that may not seem immediately appealing the way our relationships with pwBPD are.  Many of us thrive on the "chemistry," i.e. the idealization and instant intimacy that comes with a relationship with a BPD partner.  As a result we turn away from more subtle, deliberate relationships early on.  In these cases, it is really on us to be open, to give them a chance, to not turn away before we give them time to develop. 

THIS is bang on!

For me personally, when I find myself 'drawn' or 'suck into' emotions... . I have to STOP dead in my tracks, breathe and use my brain. Logic.

The hardest thing for me was I wanted things to 'make sense'.

I wanted to 'understand' why things went down the way they did.

For a couple years, I got 'hung up' on trying to make stbexh's affair.

I begged and begged him to make it make sense; what was his plan; what was he thinking.

The answers given were: I don't know. I had no plan. I was just going to have my cake and eat it too. I had no plan... . etc.

That drove me crazy because I needed things to make sense.

Now?

I just have to accept that it was not my fault, the choices HE made were his, and his alone.

I stopped making excuses for him, and just logically came to the conclusion, that I will never understand his mind because it's messed up, and myself and our kids are just innocent by-standers in his tornado of bad decisions.

The best thing for us is to 'get out of the tornado shelter and move to a tornado free zone'.

Moving forward?

KNOW the signs of a tornado, and don't get caught up in the debris cloud.

[BorisAcusio]

Borisacusio,

I don't agree with you. I am well documented about BPD and i'm quite intelligent so i think i get this situation at some point. Beyond the person with BPD there is a human being with values, ideas and a certain way of behavior. And i guess you can be friends with everyone, even people that are suffering from any kind of disorder.

The problem with this board is that a lot of people are struggling in pain and demonize the BPD's into some kind of demons. I think they may have quite a lot of bad sides but you should'nt ignore that if you fell in love with someone it is not for no reason. Don't you think ?

You don't have to demonize them in order to understand that they have serious limitations when it comes to meaningful interpersonal relationships. Unfortunately they haven't reached a certain developmental milestone where capacity for responsibility, concern for others, and empathy arises. These are facts.

Tell me, how could you possibly consider someone your best friend without these qualites?

[BorisAcusio]

We can all have healthy relationships, but I agree that this can only happen if we are willing to leave unhealthy ones when we see the indicators.  This takes courage, but we are probably all more equipped for such decisions after educating ourselves on this illness.  I think we need to come to grips with the idea that we probably need more than "some" therapy; real pathology lies not in needing help, but in the failure to recognize that one needs it and the consequent failure to pursue it.  This is part of what differentiates us from many of those with BPD that we know so well.  In addition to that, we need supportive communities like this one (and hopefully in the physical world too).  And finally, I think we just need to be open to relationships that may not seem immediately appealing the way our relationships with pwBPD are.  Many of us thrive on the "chemistry," i.e. the idealization and instant intimacy that comes with a relationship with a BPD partner.  As a result we turn away from more subtle, deliberate relationships early on.  In these cases, it is really on us to be open, to give them a chance, to not turn away before we give them time to develop. 

Very well put. You've made truly remarkeble progress in a relatively short timespan so congratulations for that.

[Tolou]

BPD OR NOT... .

I really got to the point where I try to stop thinking so much about the disorder or weather or not she had it.  The simple fact is that the relationship was missing certain things I needed, it wasn't healthy for me, it was very one-sided. I just didn't want to accept that for many reasons.

The bottom line, if someone cannot treat us the way we deserve or want to be treated, why would we stay, I left after 6 months... . And though I went through hell for walking away, it was then when I couldn't ignore the signs that this would not have ended well no matter what I said or did.

The consideration of settling for a relationship like this would say more about me than the other person.  I can't say if this person is good or bad etc... . I have no idea what goes through their mind at the end of day, regardless of all the facts because at the end of there are so many comorbid disorders that it's pointless.  For the most part, they did not put a gun to our heads to make us stay, we chose to.  And thought it hurts when things don't work out the way we would have hoped they would, their not responsible for happiness, nor our we responsible for theirs.  It comes from within, atleast it should begin to, before you can truely share it with another.

[kba1969]

Sorry, I know the feeling and it hurts.  When I think about my x I have always thought of the good times, how close it felt, that warm feeling inside.  I have come to realize, with much reading, that my feelings are for a fake person!  A person that my x pretended to be, a character of my imagination!  It seemed so awesome to be that close!  The hardest thing to realize is that they mirrored everything you wanted in a relationship.  Now she's doing the same thing to someone else, with absolutely no break from our relation___.  He can have her, my x is used merchandise.  I'm actually waiting for results from STD screening cuz she was with a half dozen people (maybe more) during our time together!  No friend of mine would do that to me, it was all BS!  You should definitely be strictly NC and keep having fun with your friends.  They are there for you, he's not.  Take care of you