Don't They See a Pattern?

[MidKnightsun]

My exNBPD was very aware of his patterns and cycles. He also said he felt great shame over his repeated patterns of disengagement. He never really apologized for his mistreatment of me, just stated the facts of his shame. He would promise meds, counseling, etc. when those were my terms of taking him back, but those promises would evaporate once he had me reengaged. What he really wanted was to find someone who could "handle him", like his ex wife had for 30 years. He said, "when we first started dating, I didn't realize how broken I was". He said he was unfit for a relationship. But, of course, those statements all went by the wayside when he found a new girlfriend to jump to after 8 years with me. He just doesn't want to do the hard work to address his disorder and his fear of being alone outweighs his knowledge of the fact that he is unfit for a relationship. I would not be surprised if he rushed to marry the new girlfriend so he can make it look like I was the problem.

[Banshee]

They DO see a pattern! When we got back together (1st and only recycle) and then broke up after 3 weeks... I was trying to talk things out and he screamed... DON'T YOU SEE IT GETS WORSE EACH TIME ! So yes even in a rage they see it, he was talking about how much worse his anger was , his irratation was, his dislike of my behavior  was.

Edited to add... he seen a pattern yes , not so much his fault but more my fault and him getting more annoyed by me "making" it worse.

[GreenMango]

Seeing patterns isn't necessarily the issue.  Many folks at moments recognize the problem.  Shoot people with dependency issues can know they struggle with booze or drugs.  So can people with BPD.

It's all in the capability to apply skills to change.  Imagining how hard it is to change ourselves then imagine how impossible a task it may seem to be if you have the types of impulse control and emotional regulation issues overwhelming sense or logic.  It's not a nice place to be.

[corraline]

My ex had post it notes up on his mirror to help remind him to keep his mouth shut and not say too much when dealing with other people. Smiley face with a straight mouth.   He also had notes up on his fridge to remind him of how to deal with his own distorted thoughts

When our relationship was getting close to the end the notes on the fridge changed to , " I will not associate with others who have distorted ideas about me (him) "

I know he tried hard sometimes to help himself.  I feel sad when i think about it.

[Narellan]

Ohh Corraline that really triggered me the last post it note.

I don't even know him but I really feel his pain and confusion. It's such a terrible disorder .

[Lion Fire]

Narrellan,

That triggered me too. When my anger and hurt occasionally subside the feeling that's left is sadness. Truth is, there is a good soul who is very ill and trapped in a tortured mind and that is so sad.

[cosmonaut]

It's all in the capability to apply skills to change.  Imagining how hard it is to change ourselves then imagine how impossible a task it may seem to be if you have the types of impulse control and emotional regulation issues overwhelming sense or logic.  It's not a nice place to be.

Very well put, GreenMango.  That is certainly my experience in a nutshell.  As I said earlier in the thread , my ex really does know she has some serious problems, but she just hasn't ever been able to tackle them.  She knows these issues are wrecking havoc in her life, she knows she alienates the people she loves, and she knows she needs help to overcome that.  But she just won't.  I've never met anyone who just so completely refuses to do anything to help themselves.  In the relationship, it was probably the most painful and maddening aspect with which I dealt.  It  tore me apart.  It began to consume me.  I spent all my time worrying about how to get her help for her innumerable issues, both physical and psychological.  I spent tens of thousands of dollars getting her the medical care she needed, and then wracked my brain on how I could afford to get her the further help she needed.  She categorically refused to apply for SSI disability to help with that, because it would make her feel bad.  It began to cost me at work.  I exhausted all my personal time in dealing with her latest crises of the day, and when it was gone had to beg my employer to be understanding.  I spent countless hours reading up on her conditions and trying to find new approaches to try.  When I would talk to her about it she would either get angry, dismiss me, or most frequently of all shut down.  I made appointments for her, talked to many doctors, therapists, and financial counselors on her behalf, and it never did any good, because she just refuses to face herself.   My God, there is just so much there.  Part of the problem was that I had no idea about BPD, and I don't think she did either.  I thought her major psychological issues were extreme PTSD and clinical depression, exacerbated by an eating disorder and years of drug and alcohol abuse.  I now understand that the root cause is something else entirely from which everything else springs - the BPD.

It is tragic.  It has been the most tragic experience of my life.  I wanted to help my ex more than anything.  Really, I wanted to save her.  I'd have given anything, even my life, to do that.  She just won't do anything to actually confront her problems.  She runs away from everything and everyone.  So, yes, I agree entirely - she sees her pattern, but she can't (or won't) do anything to address it.

[maternal]

I have been a relatively unemotional individual for a very long time.  I have usually preferred to keep my feelings to myself and suffer in private.  It was very difficult for him to deal with this and it got slightly easier for me to open that up to him over the four years that we were together.  I am touched by how much he did care for me and wanted to know what I was thinking / feeling.  I just wasn't that person when I met him.  I would try to share more with him as the relationship grew, but the few times that I was shut down for sharing just made me continue to be shut down.  He was very intuitive and always knew when something was wrong, but most of the time when he would ask me what was wrong, I would lie and say it was stress about not having money... . or something of the benign sort.  It was absolutely impossible for me to tell him that I was upset because I knew he was cheating or whatever it was that was REALLY bothering me.  I never realized that hiding my real feelings from him actually made things much, much worse.  All that did was invalidate his own deep feelings and let him assume that I don't care... . which is very much not the case.  I see these things and recognize what I need to work on myself for next time around.  As much as he knew something was wrong with him, and he knew that he wasn't happy and I knew how much he suffered, he also knew that something was wrong with me, as well.  Somewhere along the way, earlier in life, I shut myself off from everyone.  I closed up and never allowed myself to be truly open, not even with him... in some ways, I think I made things worse for him.  And it hasn't helped my career at all, either. 

This perspective shifts my idea of him somewhat.  I know how much he suffered within himself, and dealing with that, and dealing with me who is just emotionally closed off didn't help him at all.  It doesn't change any of his behaviors, but I do allow him plenty of leeway.  I really did just love him so much, and I just wanted him to be content and truly happy within himself.  The few times I did see him feeling good were some of the best times ever.  I can't mend his pain anymore than he can mend mine... . and to be completely honest, I think of reuniting with him in some utopian euphoric place where we're both healed or well enough to survive one another happily and healthfully.  I don't hold my breath for that, of course, but the thoughts linger.

[lemon flower]

Truth is, there is a good soul who is very ill and trapped in a tortured mind and that is so sad.

agree, and I still have difficulties to accept the fact that so many sufferers of this disease aren't able to get out of the trap, basicly because their own mind plays games with them :-(