Can someone with BPD explain some things about my ex Gf?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I wonder if someone with BPD would be able to help me. I dated a woman for 2 wonderful years, and had no idea what BPD was until after she lied to me, cheated on me (which I forgave her for), professing her love to me and letting me know she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, then permanently breaking up with me that night. She rebounded with the guy she cheated on me with who was a classic step down from me, and then got engaged to him five weeks later. She has never been diagnosed, but it fits like a glove. From what I’ve read about the disorder, it is as if someone was watching and recording our relationship. During our time together, she would tell family and friends that she loved me so much that she’d break into tears. She has never said that she doesn’t love me anymore, but has been very clear that any hope of reconciliation is not going to happen. When I asked why she was breaking up with me, she said it wasn’t so much that she was breaking up with me, it was that she was “setting me free”, so I think she knows about her condition, but maybe is too afraid to explore what it really is. She is also telling him things on Facebook that she told me just days before our breakup, and going to places I suggested that we go, but she turned down as uninteresting to her. My first question is this: After the engagement, she keeps talking about me to friends, and she texts me every week or so asking if I have something of hers at my place and when I tell her yes, she tells me to just keep it. Why is she doing this? Secondly, and most perplexing, is that she made a huge deal of her engagement on facebook, and even though she defriended me, she didn’t block me and was sure to make these announcements public probably so I’d see them. What is strange to me and our friends, is that since the original engagement announcement postings and relationship status change, she hasn’t posted a single thing about it, or him, or them as a couple. Why is she not acting like a newly engaged woman bragging about him, showing pictures of her ring, etc.? There’s simply nothing, and when friends specifically ask about him or the engagement, she is very elusive about it. Even so, within the past couple of weeks, she seems to be avoiding everyone who has even the remotest connection to me, including friends of hers that she had from before our relationship. Hopefully someone can shed some light on this. Thank you.

[falcon]

I wonder if someone with BPD would be able to help me. I dated a woman for 2 wonderful years, and had no idea what BPD was until after she lied to me, cheated on me (which I forgave her for), professing her love to me and letting me know she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, then permanently breaking up with me that night. She rebounded with the guy she cheated on me with who was a classic step down from me, and then got engaged to him five weeks later. She has never been diagnosed, but it fits like a glove. From what I’ve read about the disorder, it is as if someone was watching and recording our relationship. During our time together, she would tell family and friends that she loved me so much that she’d break into tears. She has never said that she doesn’t love me anymore, but has been very clear that any hope of reconciliation is not going to happen. When I asked why she was breaking up with me, she said it wasn’t so much that she was breaking up with me, it was that she was “setting me free”, so I think she knows about her condition, but maybe is too afraid to explore what it really is. She is also telling him things on Facebook that she told me just days before our breakup, and going to places I suggested that we go, but she turned down as uninteresting to her. My first question is this: After the engagement, she keeps talking about me to friends, and she texts me every week or so asking if I have something of hers at my place and when I tell her yes, she tells me to just keep it. Why is she doing this? Secondly, and most perplexing, is that she made a huge deal of her engagement on facebook, and even though she defriended me, she didn’t block me and was sure to make these announcements public probably so I’d see them. What is strange to me and our friends, is that since the original engagement announcement postings and relationship status change, she hasn’t posted a single thing about it, or him, or them as a couple. Why is she not acting like a newly engaged woman bragging about him, showing pictures of her ring, etc.? There’s simply nothing, and when friends specifically ask about him or the engagement, she is very elusive about it. Even so, within the past couple of weeks, she seems to be avoiding everyone who has even the remotest connection to me, including friends of hers that she had from before our relationship. Hopefully someone can shed some light on this. Thank you.

[arjay]

... . Greetings.  None of it seems to make sense unless one views it from the mind of the disordered person.  

Likely she is feeling shame for the moment and why she is not commenting on her new engagement and/or things are already problematic with her new SO.

BPDs can and often do leave an "attachment" one way or the other as they move forward.  It is their lifeline in the event things go wrong.  It is far less about not being able to let go of the past relationship.  It is about fearing she may find herself alone if things don't work out where she is.  We are often used as a "safety net" in  case things go wrong.  Sadly once they come out the other side, after a period of insecurity, we are dropped again, painted black and they move on to their next relationship (if that is what you can call them).

It all makes so little sense for a rational mind.  It is simply all part of the behavior and how they learned to survive.  On another note, this is a site for individuals engaged in a relationship or healing from a past relationship with a person that is BPD.  BPD suffers are encouraged to find support on sites dedicated to helping them to help themselves.

Peace

[falcon]

Thank you for your reply. So here's the loaded question I'm not sure I want to know as we haven't been apart for three months, and I'm in that uncomfortable place between letting her go, and hoping she returns. If it is true that her silence is because of shame for leaping before she looks, will she still move forward with marrying him? And secondly, if things are in fact not working out, will she reach out to me even if I am painted black? We have been on good terms so it's hard to tell where I stand with her. Thanks again.

[arjay]

... . A person with Borderline Personality Disorder often presents with a characteristic relationship pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings back and forth from one phase to the next. ~ Roger Melton, M.A...

I believe this should answer your question as you are in the later stage of the relationship.  I say later, because the relationship has ruptured and she has already left for someone else.  She may actually even come back for a period, however the cycle you have already experienced would likely continue, which may include her saying she loves you, followed by hating you and leaving for someone else again.  Once this stage is reached, there is no going back to "how it was" for anyone.  There has simply been too much damage for everyone.  She may repeat this cycle with her new SO too, with you simply being another casualty.

Yes it is tough being in that "in between place" of wanting to move on and hoping they return so we can salvage the relationship.  Sadly I don't know of many cases  on this board where this hope was realized without both attending counseling and working on themselves. We tend to hang on to the "maybe" thought of them returning and realizing we loved them; our SO "seeing the light".  We don't realize that in fact all we experienced "is" the relationship, meaning all of it, including painting us black and leaving.  We hope that somehow our situation is a "little different" and that maybe we will be the exception; that we will be able to return to "how it used to be".

The hard part for me was accepting that the all encompassing behavior "is the relationship", and not just the "good parts" which was typically a very small part of the dysfunctional relationship overall.  Initially I focused on the small part and tried to emotionally negate the rest which was horribly dysfunctional.  It wasn't until counseling that my "acceptance" of and understanding of, the dysfunction of a relationship with a person suffering from BPD was realized.

Peace

[paul16]

Falcon - I would say that you are thinking about her waaaay more than she is thinking about you. You're kept on a back burner just in case. Compare it to backing up your hard drive. How often do you use the back up drive? You access what you need from the hard drive... . till it fails. Then you go to your back up.

Hate to put it in those terms but that analogy works.